And tonight, in a few short hours, is the night (of one of my many anniversaries). It's been 1 year. And who besides me (in RL) remembers? Who even cares? Maybe I don't even care... but that's a lie. And where are you dad? Betraying me again? Right now, you are sleeping where "it" took place. You are in the same room with the same man on the same night 1 year later... Drinking with him more than likely... And here I am... By myself at home drinking... Again. And I don't even care right now that I am breaking sobriety. I really don't give a f*ck even though I know that I should...
You make it hard to forgive you. But God knows I have to. Because God says I should... And because I love you. Despite the sh*t you have done to me yourself and despite the betrayal you have showed when it comes to your loyalty to your friend...
You make it hard to forgive you. But God knows I have to. Because God says I should... And because I love you. Despite the sh*t you have done to me yourself and despite the betrayal you have showed when it comes to your loyalty to your friend...
Heck, you KNOW about what happened... You were THERE in the same room... I know I told you I was OK and told you to go back to sleep... But that was due to my overwhelming sense of shame and embarrassment... It was due to there being weapons all around and my fear that someone would end up dying... It was due to the fact that there was an 11 year old child in the room asleep... I didn't want to traumatize him or put him in danger... But, I have been told that you STILL, as a father, should have done something... I have been told that you should be livid at your friend for what he did... I have been told that even if it had been consensual, you STILL should be livid just for the fact that he would betray your "friendship" by doing something with your daughter, consensual or not... But dad, it wasn't consensual... And I worried myself sick for weeks before telling you because yet again, I WAS LOOKING OUT FOR YOU... I didn't want to hurt YOU by telling you what your friend did to me... I didn't want to cause you to lose your friendship... I didn't want you to go off the deep end and do something that would cause you to go to prison for... But all of that worrying was for nothing because you didn't even care when I told you. Well, you cared a little but you are still friends with him dad... I just figured you would care... I just figured you loved me enough... And after all of the sh*t you have done to me, I kind of felt like you owed me this... But maybe not... I guess you don't owe me anything...
(This was written today [9/22/13] after church)
(This was written today [9/22/13] after church)
So, today at church, I had to run out of the sanctuary really fast. Was gone for about 20 minutes maybe? I ended up sitting in the hallway, knees tucked up to my chin, shaking and trying to breathe right. Then I felt really "not all the way there". Have been feeling bad off and on all day long... Luckily there is a really amazing woman who I was able to talk to who brought me back to reality somewhat. Thank you Jesus for her. And thank you Jesus for Xanax...
