Heartbroken and Grieving/ Severe Anxiety/ Support Needed

This is my dog Lucy when I was 8 years old. She was 6 months old. The next one is her with one of her MANY "bears". And this next one is me just smiling at her looking at something out the window.
RIP baby, I will miss and love you forever. *cue tears* 

***So, this is something I think I am going to let my T and my mental health NP (my medication prescriber) read when I see them next. It's been like 2 months or more since I last saw them. I am going insane and something is REALLY wrong with me. I think I need a referral to a psychiatrist.***

I have been really struggling lately with the feelings of panic, dread, irritability, racing heart, trouble breathing, and hands shaking and trembling. And very often I have an overwhelming feeling of dread. I've been hyper-sensitive and very jumpy like I'm always on guard. Everything seems to startle me. And these feeling aren't always when I'm triggered either; sometimes it seems to happen out of nowhere. But lately, more often than not, it is a persistent feeling/reaction I'm having. Also, it seems that my mind is constantly going over and over about the abuse that has happened to me. Like internally in my mind it happens on a loop sometimes. I can feel the emotions I was feeling at the times of the r*pes or there was even a few times several months ago a few weeks after the last r*pe occurred where I could actually physically "feel" it happening. I know that makes no sense though.
I'm having trouble concentrating and staying focused and everything seems to get me riled up, anxious, or pissed. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to go crazy. Everything gets fuzzy and I sometimes feel far away. And now anytime I talk about what's happened to me (the r*pes, abuse, and just all of the bad stuff that's happened), even if it's just typing it on the computer, I start to shake and/or my heart races and I begin to feel what I listed above. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I was going over in my mind things that have happened to me. I wanted to list them out, what happened, and how I felt so I could just get them sorted out and unscrambled from my mind. Maybe all of the stuff that has happened to me has just added up and has caused me enough scarring to feel like this now. I don't know. I just know I can hardly function anymore and it is impeding with my everyday life and work and I am scared I may lose my job if I am not careful.

So, to start off, as a child there was a lot of emotional/covert incest and possibly non-touching sexual abuse by my father. But for it to be sexual abuse however, I guess the person has to do it with sexual intent. So, touching or "almost touching" if done innocently wouldn't be sexual abuse..? I am confused about this because it's hard for me to be upset and angry without knowing my dad's intent. I KNOW he loves me and would never mean to hurt me. He did take the belt to me as a kid sometimes but I don't know. It was traumatizing and very excessive and cruel at times I feel but he didn't want to hurt me. He also choked me once or twice. He wrapped his hands around my neck and I couldn't breathe or anything. I was an adult when this happened though. So it's not like I was a child or anything. He liked to play mean and painful games that prevented me from having control of movement and he found it funny but they hurt. But I still liked them because I was stupid and young. Plus I got attention from my dad and I loved him so very much.
He and his family also brainwashed me in a sense. But they loved me and they weren't intentionally trying to hurt me. I don't think they knew what they were doing. But it caused unbearable emotional and psychological pain and confusion for me. It made me "learn" to hate my mom through them. They poisoned me. Anyway, that went on from mid childhood to mid teens. Along with the "sexual tinged" stuff from my dad.

My grandpa emotionally and verbally abused me and tormented me from toddlerhood or younger until I was 13 or 14.

Then when I was 17 (2008-2010) I was in an abusive relationship. He was 19 when it started and 22 when it ended. There was gas lighting/mind control and manipulation, physical abuse, emotional, mental, and verbal abuse, and multiple r*pes, an*l r*pe, and sodomy. He also choked me once and I thought I was going to die! I loved him though. The thing was, I never knew what to expect from hi. He could be nice and loving or cruel and sadistic. He kept me guessing and was always changing it up so I wouldn't know how to react or what to expect. It was like he was trying to alter my perception of reality: what was real and what was not. He would tell me I was remembering things wrong and that I was crazy. He would say that he did NOT just do what I was saying he did. He did that enough times (along with physical abuse and verbal threats to reinforce his point) that I began to believe him and question my own sanity. I can't explain the mental mind control. It was horrid. Still, I loved him dearly and even for the longest time after we broke up I viewed it as my fault. I still do sometimes. I live in the same town as him so I see him around sometimes. In fact, a couple years ago after we had been broken up for several months, he called me and was very angry that I had told someone what he did to me because after all, it was a lie… He said if he ever saw me and heard that I was telling these lies, he would bash my head in with a tire iron. I wouldn't put it past him either… I almost completely shut down when I see him. Just typing this is making my heart race and has me feeling light headed.

Then when I was 20 I was digitally r*ped by a different boyfriend's best friend. He was 22. I was drunk and high. He made me feel so disgusting... The things he did to me… The things he made me say… I relive that a lot… All the time I see or hear things that trigger me and send me back to there. That was in December of 2011.

Then in September of 2012, my dad's best friend digitally r*ped me and made me do things to him. He did so many sickening things to my body; including peeing all over my body while I was passed out. I was so drunk. My dad was there while it happened too and heard it happening I found out some weeks later. But in his defense, he asked me what was happening and I was so terrified of him seeing me like that that I just panicked and begged him to not come over to where it was happening… I still didn't think he knew I was being r*ped or doing anything sexual for that matter. I was wrong. He knew full well. But he listened to my request, so that's my fault for not allowing him to help me. He is still best friends with him too. This makes me feel betrayed somewhat. He says however that I am the one who betrayed him!!! I still don't get his rationale for that one!

But most recently, the last straw is that my best friend, my dog, died almost a month and a half ago on May 28th. It was awful. I am an RN and just recently got a job at a nursing home and that alone is stressful enough! Well, my dog ended up dying on my first day of work at this nursing home. I was to go into work at 7am for my first day of orientation. At 4:30am my dog was acting fine. I let her out to potty and she ate her breakfast. She was happy and was running around. Then at 5am she just let out this awful wail went stiff and was shaking. I thought she was having a seizure (but really most likely had a stroke) and then she went limp and stayed that way. Then she began having agonal breathing and periodically would let out this loud horrible bawl. She would make sucking noises at the air and try so hard to breathe but she couldn't and I couldn't do a thing for her. I felt so helpless. I held her for while and then my dad took me and her to the vet after I called them with an emergency vet call. While my dad was driving, she was heaving and suffocating. Towards the end her body was spasming and she was making those horrible screams again and then she just stopped. The vet met us there but at 6am she had already died in my arms. I was in such shock. I was hysterical and yet I could not believe it. I still went into work though at 9am that same morning. I was in a state of shock all day so I don't remember much of the day except how painful it was and how unreal it all felt. It still hurts but I have grieved so much by this point. The part that hurt the worst was the shock of it all. I have accepted it now and can look at all the good times we had.
She was my best friend. She was my only friend all my life. I got her when I was 8 and she was only 6 weeks old. She picked me. I didn't pick her. When I went to the farm to get a puppy, she ran up to me and followed me everywhere. I bet I walked all over that farm and I could not get away from that puppy (not that I wanted to). None of the other puppies really cared about me. They all wanted their momma, but she didn't; she wanted me. I would go and put her back with the litter and then would walk away but later I would look by me and there'd she be walking along side me looking up. I swear she was smiling. I still had not yet picked a puppy. She picked me. I didn't even have to pick a puppy. We connected just like that. Our connection was so strong. It was instantaneous. We were inseparable ever since. She got me through so much. I don't know if I would be alive without her honestly. I loved her so much. I have never loved anything so much. I just can't explain the level of intensity our friendship and love was for each other. We "got" each other. We did EVERYTHING together. Literally. There was not a time growing up when we were not together. She was the only childhood friend I really had and has kept me sane all of these years. She was a true blessing from God.
She would have been 14 on the 30th of this month too. I will always love her. I got her cremated and have her ashes now.

Lastly, just trying to learn this job and not having any idea about what is going on. I can't concentrate on anything and everything scares me and I am so jumpy and nothing "clicks" in my mind anymore... I can't grasp or retain anything and I am so confused all the time and feel like I am constantly fearful and just plain panicky. I feel like I am in a state of hyper vigilance. I feel like I am unraveling. I just wish I were dead some days. I really do.

Oh, and on the 1st of this month, I relapsed and got SUPER wasted and I SI'd REALLY bad. I hardly even remember hurting myself and do not even remember why I did it or what I was feeling. But it's all up my right thigh. Like 4, 10" long cuts. I also SI'd on my left wrist too.

I am so stupid.


__________________Update__________________

I went to T for the first time in like 2 months. She says I fit the criteria in the DSM-IV for PTSD. I was wondering... and she confirmed it. I just have felt so off. Very spacey, out of it, floaty, and far away very often. I dislike this. Sooooo jumpy and on edge.
*Sighs*
Now I am to go in to see my med doc. Time to tell her what I've been feeling and what Kim said about the PTSD symptoms. Also, I think I need different meds...
Will take hugs if anyone feels generous.
Blessings to you all! <3