My dad, my dad's best friend, one of their mutual friends and his son, and then myself stayed in a one room hunting cabin. The man and his son (who was young) was down at my dad and his best friends hunting property. It was the little boys first ever time deer hunting. He shot his deer and we all went to the Mexican restaurant to eat and celebrate. Well, my dad and his friends are all big drinkers and I had just turned 21 so I could legally drink so I did. We all got drunk. My dad ordered margaritas by the pitcher but asked that they put mostly tequila in them, they were BROWN instead of green. I could hardly taste any lime it was mostly tequila. We went thru like 4 or 5 pitchers. Then we DROVE back to the cabin and drank beers the whole way (which wasnt odd to me as my dad and I used to booze cruise when I was like 11-19 so I thought nothing of it as we regularly would drink together)... By the time we got back to the cabin we all hung out for awhile but then the little boy needed to sleep and the dad went in the cabin with him to sleep.
There were 2 bunk beds and 2 couches. They took one bunk bed, top and bottom. Then my dad popped some Ambien, or so he told me he did, (he was notorious for drinking alcohol and taking Ambien, blacking out HOURS and doing very erratic and dangerous things, for which he has no memory at all. During my whole childhood I had to save him from hurting himself during these times and he would do things like try to climb into a woodstove, chop wood naked in the snow in the winter and hurt himself, and I as a child had to drag him in the house, he'd grab me and take me driving and he was all over the road... you see, my mom would lock herself in a room in our house so she didnt have to deal with him and leave me with him... he would hurt me and be very sexually abusive/inappropriate with me and have no memory of it)... but you see, I was told by his mother, sisters, and him that I was to protect him as it was my duty and role. I was told this multiple times a day starting VERY young, I was groomed for not fighting back and not speaking out, compliant and frozen, like a doll... and protecting my abuser(s).
Wow, I digressed. So the man and the son go inside. After a bit of drinking outside with me and his friend, my dad eventually went inside and went to bed on the other bunk bed, the bottom bunk. I was to have the top bunk when I was ready to sleep, but I wasnt tired. I was 21 and used to staying up until 5 am. So I went outside and sat at the picnic table and smoked a cigarette, it was the middle of June so very warm. I was just looking at the stars and was very happy I remember.
My dad's best friend come out and sits next to me and said, "You mind if I sit with you? I can't sleep."
I told him of course he could. He was like my second dad who I'd known since I was 8 years old. I trusted him more than anyone.
But he started to get kind of creepy. He wanted to hug me and I was ok with that. But then he tried hugging longer and pushing me against a tree and I said, "No I cant please stop." And he said, "Oh I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it I'm just drunk and lost my balance."
Well, I'm standing there smoking my cigarette and it starts raining, like POURING sheets. He said, "Let's go to the shed! I can turn on the generator for lights."
So we go to the shed. He sits on a chair and I do too. He then hands me a can of beer. I think nothing of it, I'm 21, this isn't weird as I'm of age and I'd honestly been drinking with my dad since I was 11 or so, it was normal for me. I drink the beer he gave me. Then he picks up 2 more and hands me one and he says, "Let's shotgun them" so we do. And then he just hands me can after can. I bet we went through a case of beers ON TOP OF all that tequila... Eventually I say, "I can't I'm done. Please stop. I need to go lie down in the cabin." I stood up but then collapsed and dont remember much after that at all for a bit. I guess he must have walked me back to the cabin thru the rain I dont remember maybe he carried me, I have no idea. But we did get inside the cabin and I'm so drunk I can hardly stand up, he's holding me up. There was no way I could climb the ladder to the top bunk.
So his friend took me to the couches and laid me on that. I pass out cold almost immediately. The couches are next to each other making an L shape. Anyway he takes one couch and I take the other.
Well, I come to out of my drunken state to feel him touching me. I feel his lips on mine, his tongue inside my mouth, groping my breasts, he had taken my hand and wrapped it around his c*ck. And I was so out of it I was disoriented and forgot where I was and thought it was my bf. I half-assed in my drunken state stroked him but immediately realized, "This isn't my bf!!!"
I open my eyes and see where I am: THE CABIN... I pull my hand away and I don't know what to do. I lay there and shake my head "no" and I know he could see me as the moon was shining thru the window onto my face, and mouthed the word "no" over and over and was stifling sobs into a pillow. As much as I wanted my dad to help me, as much as I wanted it all to stop I was ashamed for one. And secondly, I was told by my dad that he had taken Ambien and I saw how much he'd drank... I was sure if he found out what was happening he'd freak out and shoot the place up in his drugged and erratic state. I knew how Ambien made him..... and there were weapons EVERYWHERE, literally probably like 10 guns and knives all over the cabin. And if he had started shooting up the place, there was a child in the room...if that child had got shot, I'd never have forgiven myself. So, I laid there silently crying.
I passed back out...
I come to again with him unzipping my Jean's. He has his hands in my pants and it shoving fingers inside me roughly, hurting me... I try not to cry out... I pull his hands out from inside of me over and over and shake my head no over and over. I'm too drunk to get up.
I whisper. "Please stop."
Then all the sudden, my dad chimes in with, "Chantel, what are you doing over there. Who are you talking to?"
By this point I was so dissociated I was floating kind of out of my consciousness/body (dissociation comes easy to me from all the other abuse ages 2 - 23)... I heard his voice but it didnt register. All I remember was thinking, "No he cant know... I want his help but he can't know. The child... Soemone will die..." all the sudden I heard my voice speaking but I didnt feel in control of it. I was floating out of my body and hearing my voice speak but it wasnt me speaking it. I was so dissociated and disconnected. I think also maybe an Alter took over.
Anyway, I heard my voice say, "Dad PLEASE stay where you are and dont get up!!!" But as I was floating out of consciousness, observing it all at this point, I didnt even realise it was me speaking. Yet, I even in that dissociated state, could hear the pain and fear and begging to be helped yet not able to ask for help in that poor girl's voice. How could HE NOT HEAR IT OR PICK UP ON IT?? Idk.... I didnt feel safe calling out for help also bcuz there were guns all over, including one close to my head....
So, he did just that, laid there and went back to sleep... and his friend continued doing what he was doing but I blacked it out.
I wake up in the morning, soaking wet from head to toe. At this point in time I had no idea why i was wet. I couldnt remember anytning. I just knew i was upset and I felt off... but looking back I always did have a feeling something happened, even upon waking. In fact, my dad, and the man and his son went to breakfast that morning but I had a terrible hangover and I'd gotten literally no sleep and I dont know how long it even went on. I blacked it out and was drunk too. So I stayed back at the cabin... PLUS I had an image in my head about him and had a flash... I had a feeling SOMETHING happened. So I stayed behind with him to ask him if something happened... but we just sat there awkwardly and didnt talk and I chickened out and couldnt ask him and then panicked and left. I'd driven my own car so I left to go home. Half way home it all flooded back and I pulled over on the side of the road and threw up and had a panic attack.
It took me weeks to tell my mom. I finally told her and she was mad. She said, "We need to tell your father."
I didnt think my dad would even remember anything as he only briefly woke up for about 30 seconds or so it seemed at the time... and he'd taken Ambien. He doesnt remember 12+ hours normally when he takes Ambien. And he drank an ungodly amount of alcohol too... I didnt think he would remember ANY of it. That is also why I didnt call out for help. I was scared HE'D GO TO PRISON FOR KILLING THIS MAN and like always, I was protecting HIM...
But regardless, mom and I sat him down and told him. I told him what happened my side of the story I was so upset and crying and shaking while telling him. He sat there, not speaking. Just staring at me. Looked angry. Then without saying a word, he got up, went outside and left in his car. I was sure he was going to go kill his friend for finding this all out. As far as I knew, this was all new news to him....
He comes back home 2 hours later. He says, "I spoke with Tim. I fixed it. This was all a huge misunderstanding. But it is all better now. He didnt mean to do what he did and it is okay."
I just stood there. I was so confused and shocked. I started sobbing. Then he turned to me, "Chantel, I was there in that cabin. I heard EVERYTHING. I laid there for a good 30 minutes before I said anything. I heard the sounds you made. You enjoyed it and wanted it. I gave you an out but you didnt take it. This is all your fault you slut."
I said, "What??? You listened to me be raped and assaulted for 30 minutes and waited that long to say ANYTHING? Also, those sounds you heard were ME stifling sobs to prevent waking up anyone to PREVENT YOU from hurting an innocent child or going to prison. I was protecting YOU as I was taught all my life to do..."
Then I said, "If you can remember all of that night and laid there and listened to me be raped and still have full recollection AFTER claiming to take Ambien ... yet you took Ambien all my childhood and would hurt me and assult me and claim to have no memory.... so which is it? Did you lie about taking Ambien and just lay there and listen to me being raped? Or are you actually able to remember stuff when you're on an Ambien bender? Do you remember assaulting me and sexuay abusing me as a kid?"
He refused to answer.
My mom said, "We will press charges."
Then my dad said, "If you press charges you'll be ruining this man's life. He has been like a second father to you all your life. What will his wife and children think of you? What will they think of him? He doesnt deserve to have his life ruined. It isnt like he even hurt you. Where is your bruises? Where is the blood? You have no physical evidence. This will not stand up in court."
My mom was FURIOUS. She was 100% on my side.
This was at a time when I still lived at home. I couldnt stand living under the same roof as my dad. So. I moved in with an ex bf... I lived there for about a month until I realized why I'd left him in the first place. I had no choice but to move back with parents. And when I moved back. My mom say me down and said, "I've changed my mind. You caused this to happen to you. If you press charges you'll be ruining his life. You need to take accountability for your actions. You will NOT press charges."
I was so broken.
And come to find out, by my dad no less, the reason why my shirt had been soaked when I woke up that morning in the cabin was because his friend pissed all over my body.... he told my dad this... he peed all over me.... degrading me and marking me.... and my dad said, "He told me he thought you were a toilet. He was so drunk. He cant remember anything. Why do you want to ruin his life?"
