Ritualized Abuse (Part 2)

Entry 2

 *This is going to be rambly. My head is all over and I can't think too well.*

So, to start off, as a child there was a lot of emotional/covert incest and possibly non-touching sexual abuse by my father. Well, maybe some touching 'down there' in that 'area'. He also pretended to pinch my (maybe he even did) nipples and boobs as a little girl and preteen and even some in my teen years but it was just playfully... But I don't think he meant it as bad. No, I know he didn't because he isn't sick like that. Besides I have to protect him. I HAVE to. I can't betray him. I am supposed to that's what they told me!   Whatever... but I am confused because I read that for something to be sexual abuse however, I guess the person has to do it with sexual intent. So, touching, if done innocently wouldn't be sexual abuse..? I am confused about this because it's hard for me to be upset and angry without knowing my dad's intent. I KNOW he loves me and would never mean to hurt me. He did take the belt to me as a kid sometimes but I don't know. It was traumatizing and very excessive and cruel at times I feel but he didn't want to hurt me. He also choked me once or twice. He wrapped his hands around my neck and I couldn't breathe or anything but I was an adult when this happened though so it's not like I was a child or anything. So it's not that bad right?

He liked to play mean and painful games that prevented me from having control of movement or well, any control. And he found it funny but they hurt. But I still liked them because I was stupid and young. Plus I got attention from my dad and I loved him so very much. One of the things was "See How Long You Can Take It" which was being tickled relentlessly without laughing or moving. You couldn't move at all or we would have to start all over. It tickled so much it almost hurt! I loved it and I hated it but then I just begged to stop but we couldn't until I had not moved. I failed over and over....

And then he would pinch HARD my tendons that sent like a sort of nerve shock through my body. It made me collapse. I can only describe it like a shock going straight through my neuro system. Not like an electric shock but then again it kind of felt like one. I have been shocked before by accident as a child and I can't describe how it felt exactly but it was similar in the sense that I felt this sharp pain that went along my tendon and it affected my nerves and just was crippling. A painful involuntary spasm. The primary one's being the tendons in my neck by my carotids, the ones behind my knees, and the one where your leg bend at the hip (right next to my v*gina). That hurt a lot but then he made it tickle some too... And then I laughed but partly due to being nervous maybe?

He and his family also brainwashed me in a sense. But they loved me and they weren't intentionally trying to hurt me. They couldn't have. They wouldn't have done that.. I don't think they knew what they were doing. But it caused unbearable emotional and psychological pain and confusion for me. I can't even begin to verbalize the pain. I really can't. You know the heartbreak that you felt when you broke up with a boyfriend or someone you love? Or the feeling when you lose someone you love? You know how it felt like you just couldn't go on with life? That intense ache. It's unbearable. Well, the pain psychological pain I felt was so much worse that any of that (and I have felt both of those things, more than once). The pain almost paralyzed me. It made me "learn" to hate my mom through them. They poisoned me. Anyway, that went on from early(ish) - mid childhood to mid teens. Along with the "sexual tinged" stuff from my dad. You see my dad, from a young age started getting me alone and told me terrible painful things about my mother that weren't even substantiated I don't think but I was just a little kid how was I to know? But I believed him. And he told me I was his special girl... We were best buds, pals. And I loved him with an intensity I can't describe. A loyalty. An understood agreement between the two of us and his family. One I was to keep at all costs... I had to. That was what they told me. My mind was so trashed. It was NOT natural but to me it was. His mother and sisters told me it was my duty to protect daddy from mom because she was evil and terrible. They would ask me if I really loved my dad I needed to protect him and make him happy. That meant holding him while he cried sometimes and I would be bawling because the person I love the most is in so much pain. I felt every bit of that pain. Every single bit... I don't get how they all got their pain, ideas, beliefs, and thoughts into me but they did, and I felt all of their pain plus my own. It was so horrible I even felt it physically. And then for my mom, they instilled a hatred so deep, that it still manifests itself sometimes deep down. It is always there. It is first response. I can't get it to stop or leave. They put it there in my head those assholes! But I can't call them that because they loved me and I loved/love them all so dearly and in every other aspect they were amazing. .... F*ck I get these two conflicting messages in my head from one side I hear this and then I remember I can't feel that way it't not right to betray daddy.....

But about the stuff with my mom again... Sorry for talking so much. I just, no one gets any of this mind manipulation shit.... I hope I am understood somewhere...

Anyway, The things my dad told me that my mom did were excruciatingly painful to hear (even as an adult, let alone child of 9, maybe younger). But as I got older the bitterness grew and festered and it was so deeply rooted that I even began to hate myself. I was so mean to my mom. Everything she did to get close to me I seemed to knock down. I wouldn't let her get close to me. I 'hated' her, but at the same time I felt bad because I loved her. Even now I am almost in tears remembering how I felt. All of these emotions are coming back. I was in such conflict all the time.) Nothing was real ever for me. I didn't even know how I felt. Who was the 'real me'? I didn't know whose emotions I was feeling... Grandma's? Dad's? Aunt's? Had they become mine? "What is wrong with me? You are a stupid, evil bitch?!" I often thought...

My mom would always ask me, "Why do you treat me like this Chantel? What have I ever done to you to deserve this treatment?!"

(I couldn't tell her what my dad was saying that made me hate her so. I had to protect him! He was my love and I just, I loved him so much it hurt. Literally. I loved him and had to protect him at all costs. That was my job! My duty! I didn't have an option...)

So I just said, "I don't know why I act the way I do mom. I am a f*ck up. I am a b*tch."

The whole time inside I was hating myself for hurting my mom because I really didn't hate her like I told myself... I loved her so much but I couldn't tell her why... So, I think that I just made myself believe that I really truly hated her as a way to cope... But I knew I was killing her inside (part of me hated hurting her and the other part loved it. I thought she deserved it for hurting my dad so much because he was my favorite). Looking back, I can see how I would have thought I hated her. I had such ANGER towards her for hurting my love... I had such resentment inside. I could not be nice to her. I just couldn't. I can't even explain it. I just can't and I am sorry...

The thing is, I never gave her a chance to tell me her side of the story. It somehow never dawned on me that she had a side to tell. I always just thought she was the bad guy and my dad was the angel. (Now that I am forcing myself to think about it; I can only imagine how confused my mom must have been to have at one point, had a child who loved her so much and then, BOOM change into this hateful little kid.) My mom and I honestly had a pretty good relationship until the "age of awakening".

Oh, and you know what the "funny" and crazy making thing was? During times when I was being horrific to my mom (which I have no excuse for honestly even though I was just a little girl); my dad would always ask, "Why do you treat your mom like this? Why are you so hateful? What is wrong with you?” He would be so mad at me and then I would have to try and come up with the right answer on the spot without giving him away. I was under so much pressure... I just I don't remember honestly. I think I just blocked a lot of the emotions out.

But it drove me so mad!!!! He and his family told me all this horrible crap about her and told me how hurt and bothered he was by her and expected me to not act otherwise?! All of the 'evil' stuff she had done... How was that not suppose to affect me for f*ck sake... I was a child!!! I couldn't f*cking process it, let alone know how to act towards her...) I don't honestly think they knew that they were doing was wrong... Which then makes me the guilty one for being angry. I wasn't supposed to be angry I was supposed to protect and I just need to punish myself when I get like this..... I am sorry I really am for being so horrible... And I am sorry for that tangent. That wasn't even half of the mind stuff but I can't do anymore right now it hurts me too bad...

Saying all of that wasn't supposed to happen. My hands kind of took over. I apologize. I wasn't supposed to say all of that.  

But here I am not able to f*cking stop eh? I just it is coming out and I really should not be saying any of this... But I feel compelled to...

And so, there is this memory that I realized I have always had but just somehow 'forgot' it? It was I remember something from when I was REALLY little. It is almost like it is in snapshots. It takes place in my old house. I moved from there when I was 4 so I couldn't have been very old.

I don't remember what happened or why I was in pain... Dad... That's why.

Somehow, it seems like I am naked? But it can't be real. It seems so unreliable. I barely know what happened I only have like 3 or 4 snapshots and then some feelings of pain and sadness and fear. Such hysterical fear-for-your-life type of fear. But maybe this was a dream. Maybe it didn't happen. I don't know...

But, like I said, it seems like I am naked somehow. It also seems like I am seeing myself. During some parts it is like I am actually viewing it out of my own eyes, but then other parts it's like I am watching a movie or just looking at pictures. Does that makes sense?

Anywho, in some parts of this it seems like I am crouching on a register (air vent) absolutely hysterical. I do remember (I think) doing that hiccup thing when you cry too much the sobs turn into spasms. I remember pain. Lots of pain. I am guessing the belt was involved.

Some reason it seems my mom is in the mix. Purple pajamas. Something about purple pajamas... Maybe she is wearing her purple pajamas? It seems like she was holding me. I am not sure when though.

I don't really remember anymore.

I am not even sure if this is real.

What could I have done to cause this? I was maybe 3? I had just turned 4 when we moved...

I wish I could know the whole thing so I could know what it is that I did...

I know I did something though. He was mad. He never did it without a reason. He wasn't mean like that. He is a good dad.

This type of treatment wasn't ALL the time.

He does love me... I know it.

But, again I doubt this is even real. I just have this feeling it is not how I thought it was. There is a reasonable explanation for this. There has to be. I did something bad. Maybe he didn't even hit me. I don't f*cking know...

Ritualized Abuse (Part 1)

What I have written below are excerpts from what I have written on online forums for survivors of sexual abuse and also from journals I have written in the past. So, if it seems like some of the below content is directed towards a certain audience (those on the forums), it’s because it probably is. Some of the content is dated, that is from my journal entries… but to make it easier to read, I will just split this all up into “entries”. I apologize; I know it’s a lot… But it is just something I need to dive into and give to you… We don’t have to talk about it all anytime soon, if ever really… Maybe we can someday, but I just need it out there… I need there to be some type of understanding: a base per se. Otherwise I will just forever beat around the bush… This is, of course, nowhere near all of it… But it’s a start…

Entry 1

So, just saying, this is going to be long.

I have survived ritualized abuse (not to be mistaken with ritual abuse). *There was a definition that I saw that said a broad definition was abuse that is done in a systematic manner or done in a ritualized way (like in repetitive and systematic abuse) often involving degrading sexual, physical, mental, and emotional abuse and mind manipulation. Military basic training, hazing, partner-battering, and spanking children can be seen as ritualized abuse. [broad definition].

I am not meaning occ*lt rituals. I just want this to be clear. I am NOT trying to invalidate anyone. Please know this. I am just merely trying to process the systematic abuse. And my friend said he seems very ritualistic in how he did it as did my dad and his family, maybe.*

He used a lot of manipulation and he conditioned me to react certain ways when he did or did not do certain things. And the ways he hurt me, it did it the same way and did the same things to trigger me to be dissociative before he did whatever it was he was going to do.

Also, as a child, my dad and his mom and sisters turned me against my mom and poisoned my small mind against her and made me believe that my purpose and duty was to please and protect my dad. I didn't live for myself. I didn't even ever focus on me as a child. My purpose was my dad. I was so sick. I AM so sick... I can't explain it all... It hurts a lot.

The psychological abuse was horrible and it forever altered my mind it seems...

You see, it was very ritualistic in how he abused me and followed through with the abuse and he [my ex] manipulated and controlled my mind. I began reacting like a robot almost in time from the things he did. He conditioned me or 'trained' me... So, I don't know how it was that he truly got me to think and perceive things as he wanted me to or how he got me to react the way he wanted to... Well, it was through abuse but still, that just doesn't seem to cut it? I don't know... I guess I have been told it was gas lighting and is a "form" of mind control or at least an aspect or facet that is used in it.

I am hoping to find even a small trace of validation even if it is knowing (or not knowing) what happened to me and what exactly to call it... Either way I will be one step closer to the truth...

Oh, and I wasn't a child either when this part of my abuse happened. I was ages 17-19. There were times when I was a child that my dad and his family (unknowingly/unintentionally caused harm, but I know that they would never have meant to hurt me on purpose) but they controlled my mind from an early age and it hurt soooo bad. It still has left me f*cked up in the head although I am trying to break through the lies.... I will maybe share that too while I am here. Sorry... I just wanted to put it here to just in case and because someone said (and I have always felt in a way) that it was ritualized and VERY intentionally done to gain control of me...

Okay, here we go:

I know it is not as sadistic as many others have experienced ... Hell, I am not even sure if it is sadistic at all. I am not sure what it was or what to call it... I don't freaking know...

Hugs and comments GREATLY appreciated.

February 25, 2013

"I feel he was a sadist in an emotional sense. He got enjoyment out of making me suffer emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. It felt tortuous... Which is why I wrote what follows... Please tell me if this does not being here... I will remove it.

He would torture me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and he would physically abuse me and then he would expect me to have sex... I was semi-dissociated sometimes... He an*lly r*ped me once too. So much blood. And he v*ginally r*ped me more times than I am even sure of. He'd pull my hair and he would batter me verbally until I was a compliant shell of a human being too afraid and "out of it/zoned out" to fight him or even really care what was happening... Don't get me wrong, I cared but, I can't explain it, I kind of gave up and was resigned to what he was doing to me and what he was going to keep doing too me. I loved him. I was his amusing toy he could manipulate and abuse and get pleasure from… plus he knew I loved him and he used it against me. That and my age. I was 17 and he was my first boyfriend. I never saw at home what a relationship was supposed to really be like... But that is another story entirely…"

March 30, 2013.

"I remember some other things. But I am not sure they fit here since they didn't happen while being sexually assaulted. But, I will list them anyway.

I remember him choking me once it was on Easter. 4 years ago. I was 17. He put my on the ground or, I don't remember how I actually got there... But he wrapped his hands around my neck and he choked me. I started to blackout. My vision became tunnel-like and it got smaller and smaller if that makes sense. Anyway, I figure it was due to both inhibited blood flow to my brain and lack of oxygen. He all the sudden stopped and freaked out and started crying saying how sorry he was. He told me that he deserved me leaving him. He did it in a way that made me feel bad for and sorry for him. I was the one who ended up comforting him!!!! What the hell was wrong with me?!?!?

Very often he did things like:

Pushing me into walls
Pushing me onto his bed
Pushing me to make me fall
Pinning me to walls, his bed, wherever
He pulled and dragged me by my hair...
He pushed me into the bathroom door once thinking it was latched but it wasn't and I fell through it and hit my head and back on the bathtub. That hurt!
He called me the most dehumanizing names. He got into my head and convinced me that I deserved it somehow and that it was completely justified and my fault. I really did feel like an animal sometimes... I truly thought it was my fault. I don't see how but I did. And to an extent a part of me still does...

He would follow me around sometimes and I would get kind of freaked out. He would interrogate me or something along those fashions but with some physical stuff mentioned above to get me all scared and zoned out and with the threats of "bad stuff" I just somehow knew he could and probably would do...

He did so many awful psychological (mental, emotional, spiritual) things, physical things, and sexual things. He loved the power of me being powerless. It tripped his trigger.

There were so many other things. It's impossible to remember them ALL.

April 4, 2013

"I have no idea how he did this... But he sometimes had me convinced I was crazy!

Sometimes after he would hurt me (either physically, emotionally/mentally, spiritually, whatever) he would literally have me convinced that I was crazy. It was the weirdest thing ever. I was sure that I knew what had just happened but he assured me that I was remembering it wrong or that I was making it up somehow. It took awhile before I got to the point where I doubted my own sanity. I think that the abuse and manipulation have to be somewhat recurrent in order for it to progress to this. At least that is how it was for me it seems.

See, when the abuse first started happening, I was sure of myself. After he did something hurtful to me, whatever that something was, I knew without a doubt that it did indeed take place. I may have rationalized it and made excuses for him and been in denial, but I still knew that it had taken place. And it didn't matter how many times after the incident he told me that I was making it up. I knew it truly happened. But after some period of time (a few months) and after repeated abuse and reassurance from him that I was making it up and that I was crazy in the head, I guess I started believing it? I can't tell you when exactly it happened.

But I think I have an idea of one of the techniques he used to get me to comply to how he wanted me to view the situation: conditioning. I hope that it is OK to use the term 'conditioning'. If not, I am sorry. But those are the only words I can really think of... or maybe 'trained'? I really don't know... Sorry. The thing is, it's still there. In my head I still react how he wants me too. 4, almost 5 years later.

So, this is how it usually went down. He would usually tell me one of these two things:

He would tell me that I "made" him do what he did and that I was taking it out of context. That he was doing it out of concern and love and was only trying to teach me how to act so he could help me. (This is primarily what he used when the abuse first started to occur. He said it in such a way that it sounded like he truly cared. This is how I explained away his behavior and remained in denial. I told myself if only I hadn't of done this or that.)

I think that I knew deep that I didn't "make" him do anything, but I loved him... I wanted to believe him. I was so f*cking stupid...

Then he would hug and tell me how much he loved me and I would say the same, now somewhat reassured that he did in fact love me.

Then we would go and do something fun and he would be the nicest boyfriend ever. I 'forgot' that anything had even happened.

Eventually, (about 8-10 months into the relationship, and I am assuming once he saw that I was mentally 'pliable') he progressed to telling me that I was crazy and that nothing at all happened.

At first, I was resistant to this and I would sometimes say something like, "No, I know what happened. You just pushed me not even 5 minutes ago. I am not making that up. You just did it. I am not crazy."

This would piss him off. He would be adamant I was indeed not remembering it right. (Yeah, like I could forget how/what happened in a period of minutes lol.)

The more and more he told me I was remembering it wrong, the more aggressive he became. His demeanor was threatening. He would shove me just a little bit to where I lost my balance but didn't fall completely over, he would tower over me and scream terrible things at me and squeeze my arms with his hands until my arms started to hurt. He had this horrible look in his eyes.

He would again tell me that I was misconstruing everything. He would say that he would NEVER hurt me because he loved me so much.

Then he would take my arms and wrap them around his neck and he would hug me really hard. Too hard. It was sometimes difficult to breathe and I was scared because I felt smothered and trapped. But I couldn't get away because he wouldn't let me go until he was done hugging me. It was on his terms.

But I just HAD to get free. I felt so anxious.

So, I tried to get free because I was feeling scared and mad and I would say, "Let me go! I want to go home!

He would then get mad again and push me on the ground, or up against the wall, or on the bed...

He would block the door and not let me leave. He would say, "You aren't going anywhere yet. Now, I really AM sorry for having to do that but I was just trying to give you a hug. Come here." - Then he would again pick me back up and hug me. Except this time I wouldn't fight it. I didn't feel anything at all. I was blank. I was like a zombie and I just was 'playing the part'.

I don't really know what happened after this would take place. Maybe he let me leave? I don't remember. It happened so often. There were so many other things he would do. There were times he wouldn't let me do things unless he said so or felt it was OK. If I went against it, he would physically hold me "captive" almost by blocking his door and he had this cold and evil, almost primal, look in his eyes. I would be so scared... He LOVED it! WTH?!?!

I feel bad for complying... I feel like I allowed it. And I feel so dumb that I honestly did believe that I was at fault and crazy.

Part of me thinks it was just safer to agree with him and go along with him in believing that nothing happened, but I can't be sure.

And honestly, looking back, I think that deep down, I knew the truth. At least in the back of my mind. I knew what he had done. But not agreeing with him would have been worse and I loved him so much and wanted to believe him so badly. So, I did. I began to believe that maybe, just maybe I was mixing everything up.

So, these types of things began happening so often... Sometimes multiple times in a day. I just stopped feeling and I agreed with him. It was like a natural response. And he KNEW he 'trained' me to be like that. But at the time, I had no idea that he even was training/conditioning me... I just, I was so f*cked up in the head... Honestly I didn't even know what was what any longer. Sometimes it was like I didn't even know who I was anymore... It sucked. I still don't get it.

But there were other times that I expected him to be awful and he treated me so awesome. Like he had in the beginning when I first met him. He acted like the guy I fell in love with. And I would be confused and I would think, "Finally! He is back!" and then I would let my guard down... And then he would hurt me again.

He would tell me that nothing happened and that I was just misconstruing everything. He would then say that even if something hypothetically did happen, it was because I provoked him and that he would NEVER do anything unless I gave him a reason.

But he REALLY did love me at one point. In the beginning of the relationship. He had to of. What is wrong with me? I feel crazy all over again.

I just can't get over how I obeyed him! I listened and reacted how he wanted me to.

It just happened. I didn't even know that this is what was happening! Not to this extent anyway!

When I reacted to the abuse (after prolonged exposure) it was like a reflexive natural thing I did. And HE caused it.

Are there different degrees of conditioning or control of the mind or mental manipulation? Or is it something else entirely? Again, I am not trying to make anyone mad or offended nor am I trying to invalidate or discredit or lessen what has happened to you all. I am just so lost and mixed up still... Been doing so bad lately.

Even now, I catch myself not wanting to believe it and I find myself making excuses for him.

And when I talk about what he did, I get terrified. He said he'd bash my brains in with a crow bar if I ever told again because he was tired of me making "lies" up about him.

Lately I've been seeing him places. I get so internally panicky. Heart races. Mind races. Uuuuuugh. And I have been really struggling lately with the feelings of panic, dread, irritability, racing heart, trouble breathing, and hands shaking and trembling. And very often I have an overwhelming feeling of dread. I've been hyper-sensitive and very jumpy like I'm always on guard. Everything seems to startle me. And these feeling aren't always when I'm triggered either; sometimes it seems to happen out of nowhere. But lately, more often than not, it is a persistent feeling/reaction I'm having. Also, it seems that my mind is constantly going over and over about the abuse that has happened to me. Like internally in my mind it happens on a loop sometimes. I can feel the emotions I was feeling at the times of the r*pes or there was even a few times several months ago a few weeks after the last r*pe occurred where I could actually physically "feel" it happening. I know that makes no sense though.I'm having trouble concentrating and staying focused and everything seems to get me riled up, anxious, or pissed. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to go crazy. Everything gets fuzzy and I sometimes feel far away. And now anytime I talk about what's happened to me (the r*pes, abuse, and just all of the bad stuff that's happened), even if it's just typing it on the computer, I start to shake and/or my heart races and I begin to feel what I listed above.

But I do find it odd, I know in my heart that what he did was wrong but still try and talk myself out if it sometimes. And even though I know it was him, not me, I still feel the fear that he instilled in me and that he trained me to feel and react to in the way(s) he wanted me to react.... And it won't leave even though I know he is not hurting me any longer. It's like a physiological and mental response. It just happens.

Why?

How?"

That's the end of that... But I was thinking, perhaps the reason (other than that I truly did love him) was that I desperately wanted to please him... More than anything I wanted him to be the guy I fell in love with and I wanted to do anything to make him love me... That makes it my fault... Also, I think part of the reason I felt like this was due to what my dad and his family did. I was told as a child up into my teens (16 or so) that it was my purpose to protect and serve my daddy and make him feel better. And he loved me so much and in such an intense way. He loved me and talked to me the way you would talk to a lover or best friend... He always (and still does) introduce me as his daughter, pal, buddy, best friend... And I loved him also with that much intensity. It was sexually tinged and I am so gross and dirty. I was used but I am still gross and nasty. They put their ideas in my head. They poisoned me against my mother. Something so deep that even now it is still in there. Nothing will make it go away. I think that what they did maybe set me up for this. And all of the other r*pes that have happened... Anyway, sorry for this tangent. I will post maybe more about my dad and his sh*t after I post this if that's OK that is...

Again, I KNOW I apologize too much but I can't help it... It is one of those things that I chronically do and have no clue as to why...