The Mind of Someone Else

***The Mind of Someone Else***

*Story Teller*
How does one explain this?
Can you open your eyes and see?
Bad things happen in this world;
Things that should never be.
So stop a moment to gather
The thoughts inside your head.
Step on a different path of life
Of Someone Else instead.


*Someone Else*
How can I explain this?
Can I help you see?
I once was a smaller form;
A child with a desperate plea.
Fear enveloped being,
Wrapped in others hate;
Creating inside myself:
Rage. Guilt. Shame.
I grew up despite this,
Thinking I was free.
Living day-to-day
Surviving in a dream.
An alternate reality
Where Others took my place
Allowing me to survive the pain.
This was a gift of grace.


*Someone Else: Internal World*
Foggy void, voices heard
Drifting in, no more words
Space and time unravel, unwind:
Sitting behind the Third.
But once inside, I look out
At a new world and I watch birds.
Beings that are beautiful and true
Distractions from the reality
Of forced agony with you


*Someone Else: The Change*
Now I feel I can explain it.
Finally, I can see!
No longer a small child
But a woman who can be free!
Freedom from guilt, shame, fear, and rage.
All of those are from yesterday.
And admittedly still, I feel the pain
But it doesn't have to control Me today.
I can live out my life untarnished
With my Guide, my Love, and my Light unharnessed.

Our System

C.C. - Most concrete little (possibly an age slider) who holds most of the traumas. Is pink in color. 

MotherMii - Motherly and nurturing Other. Is green in color. 

Miss Spacey - Base layer of the System, center of all dissociative episodes. Is yellow in color. 

Rage - Seething and angry Other. Is red in color. 

The Fixer - Wants to please everyone and fix everything. Is blue in color. 

Scared One - Fearful and small Other. Is purple in color. 

Chantel - Middle to Adolescent Other. Is orange in color. 

Vixen - A very strong sexual and sensual Other. Is deep burgandy in color. 

Vixen and Chantel are new as of yesterday 11/24/15 

Vixen is extremely sexual and wants to be used and hurt. Does anyone know how to handle this? Thanks. 

Is This Me?

This is a picture of my brain I did while inpatient. *Note* Not all parts are there. Only what I sensed at the time. This is very new to me. 

I've been drinking A LOT lately. Smoked weed, a lot of it. It was really good, but I did feel guilty at the same time only because I'm a nurse. I have been popping pills. I need to stop. I don't see a problem with weed in all actuality. Only the negative connotations society has placed upon it and as a nurse I need to be careful.

And been self-injuring a lot lately too: burning.
Scars litter my body - proof of the pain I hold inside. Some of which I'm not even aware of.

The insiders who live with me in my brain hold it. Each of us hold this freaking pain as our own little proof that we're real. Not much of anything to hold onto really, but hey, it's ours.

Sometimes I hate living and I get mad at C.C. - AKA: Small One. She's so stupid and small and pathetic. I am not sure of her age, but it varies from age 3 to about 10. It is like she has different ages too. Like she herself split off from there. A split within a split.

There is Angry One aka Rage. She gets on her rampages and it's frightening. The rage is uncontrollable and oftentimes when I am in 100% control, I can feel her rage leaking into me and it influences how I act. It makes me mean. And I truly hate being mean. I don't know why I am so mean. I don't get why she is so mean.

Miss Spacey is ever-present causing poor concentration to leak through to me and there always the threat of a spur of the moment dissociative attack. She is yellow. I can feel her color. Sometimes I feel yellow just wash over me. I can almost taste it.

The Fixer wants to do just that: fix things. It breaks her heart when she can't. But that's what she was trained to do since she was a small child. That was her role. Make daddy feel better. Hold it inside... Can't show it. We can't show it. Can't let it be known... No one can know... Make people happy. Keep them safe and give them love. That is your purpose lovely child.

Persecutor usually is the one with the bad ideas. She hurts herself: cuts herself, burns herself, honestly anything that will cause harm. Self-loathing is a grand thing eh?

Scared One  is always having irrational fears and it's stupid. They are my fears too but sometimes the irrational part of me will be in more control and these sudden pangs of fear will consume me causing panic.

MotherMii is kind of like a mother figure. She mothers me and takes care of me (us). She is kind and loving. Takes care of people and is very thoughtful and empathetic.

There are many more. I can feel them but I can't 'see' them. I am usually in executive control but on occasions when things get to be too much, I will go away completely. I will drive to towns and have no idea how I got there or walk places and buy things I don't remember buying. I will say things to people and have no idea what I said. It is so embarrassing. And it terrifies me as a nurse.

These are all me. They make up me. They are themselves, but they aren't fully split at the same time. But then again I'm not fully uniform either. Have I finally have begun to except the Others in my head (if there even are "Others"...?

Like I said, they aren't fully-split like DID at all.. But they are other "sides" to me.. And they make up me... I know everyone has this to an extent but mine feels a bit more concrete than everyday people's are, and quite a bit less concrete than those with DID... So I have no Idea what I am... A freak I guess...

Realizations About My Body and It's Problems

Headache again today... And body aches. Muscles kill me... I've been doing a lot of research... There seems to be connections between Fibromyalgia, GERD, Raynaud's Syndrome, PTSD, Migraines, and possibly even yeast infections. I battle all of these; most of them since I was young. Now, I must say, I've not yet been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia or Raynaud's Syndrome. But I have been dealing with the Raynaud's Symptoms since I was 12 or so. I'm almost 23 now. And the Fibro symptoms for at least 4 years. I fit every textbook symptom to a T... I have been diagnosed with PTSD, GERD, and have chronic yeast infections along with a myriad of other issues... It can't be coincidental... I just can't find a doctor to refer me to a specialist as they don't seem to believe me... I am getting so worn down. And dissociative symptoms bad again ad well... So fed up. I am too young for this sh*t... This isn't fair.

I mean, after all that has happened why do I have to deal with this stuff too... It's like my body f*cking hates me or something... It has been through an awful lot of sh*t... I think it blames me. I know I blame myself... Why wouldn't the rest of me and the parts of my body that are unknown to me feel that way too? I guess I thought that maybe, just maybe I could get a bit of a break. I have battled the ADHD all my life and the effects that it had on my learning abilities. Not to mention the social setbacks it caused; and God knows all the other sh*t that went along with it... The depression and anxiety... All at a young age... Let's not forget the PTSD diagnosis and dissociative issues that I have been having these last couple to several years... And possibly even most of my life... I am not sure.

I read that there is a link between Fibro and abuse in childhood (physical and emotional abuse and/or chronic psychological stress) and/or domestic abuse in young teen years... I have both of these histories. I read somewhere online that sexual abuse didn't seem to pose as a common link... I found that really odd actually. Anyway, there is a statistic that states that up to 25% of those diagnosed with Fibro have an abuse history. That just seems crazy to me but also very believable.

You see, I never really paid much mind to my physical ailments that I've been battling. But they have gotten to the point where I can hardly function some days. So, I decided to do some research on Fibro... The results that came up really shocked me. There I found that there are in fact MANY associated problems and diagnoses that oftentimes go along with Fibro... But what REALLY shocked me was how many of these conditions I suffer from... Most of them, as I said in the beginning of this post, since I was a child... This is just all too surreal... It is hard to really grasp that I can have all these f*cking issues... I MUST be making this up... One person cannot literally be as f*cked up as I am... Gosh...

In the reading I have done, I have found that people who have Fibro oftentimes, if not always, have other conditions that seem to be linked to it. I know that I already stated some of the diagnoses/symptoms in the beginning of this post but I am going state them again along with some others that I had as a child that I am not sure actually pertain to Fibro...

• PTSD (diagnosed) 
• GERD (diagnosed) 
• Raynaud's Syndrome (undiagnosed but almost 95-99% sure I have it) I literally have every single symptom of it 
• Chronic yeast infections 
• Chronic (almost every other week for most of my childhood) canker sores in my mouth. Sometimes 3-5 at a time. Sometimes I could hardly talk or eat for days to a week or longer (unsure if there is a link for this one) 
• Chronic/severe ear infections that were every other week as well (unsure if there is a link here) 
• Multiple Chemical Sensitivity - sensitivity to dust mites, mold, grasses (diagnosed) 
• Asthma (diagnosed) 
• Migraines (have suffered with them for most of my life I think) 

I guess I don't get a break. What-the-f*ck-ever... F*CK you you STUPID body....

Dissociation To The Extreme...

I've been having depersonalization and derealization I guess. I don't lose time. Not usually anyway. I think that's only happened once or twice and very fast and briefly only a few minutes. It's like there is this rapid cycling inside my head. I come in and out and there are bits of time missing but it happens so fast... Like a camera shutter.

I don't feel connected really to the world around me, or even to myself at times. I am behind a glass inside the back of my head looking out through my eyes (windows) [see above picture]. I see things in black and white during this. It's like I am under water. Sounds like I am wrapped in cotton or something. Nothing makes sense. I can't communicate right. It's all I can do but stay present. Also, sometimes I can't feel my body and it doesn't feel like mine or like me. It feels heavy and yet weightless. Like white in T, she has this big cushy red leather chair I always sit in and it feels like my body is going to melt into it but another part of me is going to come out and away. Like I am peeling away from my body and floating away... Breaking ties with this world in a sense.

It takes a lot out of me. I am prone to severe headaches/migraines during this. Odd body pains and sensations. I actually have had severe headaches all my life but everybody has that I think right? And when I was little I remember a lot of painful pressure "down there" in both "places". And the other night while trying to fall asleep. I got these horrible throbbing pains down there in my behind area. Once while at T (I don't remember what I was talking about) my girl parts started tingling and contracting. It was so gross. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I finally told my T this after a couple months. I was just so mortified. I was laughing though. I guess that's what I do when nervous? She wasn't grossed out. She said this could be all sorts of things. The word 'body memory' came about. But that can't be right. I wasn't abused like that as a child. Only in an emotional way that had sexual overtones. I also have been having bad pains all over the last year or two. Sounds like fibromyalagia or something... The only thing that happened that maybe would have required some type of dissociation would be that I was under extreme emotional pain/stress and fear and had a heavy weight on me and responsibility. But that can't cause dissociation. Can it?

Sometimes I feel at such conflict inside myself. I argue with me inside. I feel like at certain times, my mind switches so much that I can't decide or agree on any one thing. If I do agree or make a decision I quickly change my mind. I feel like different pieces of me are loyal to those I was made to be loyal to as a child. They are always in conflict and contradict themselves and it makes it hard to function. My T says I have 'splitting'. Not like separate personalities but parts of my mental functioning that split off because it was too painful to process or deal with or because if I didn't I would have went crazy or had a mental breakdown. Or I perceived it as unsafe or bad to process at the time. Maybe like an emotional fragment/partial personality split. I used to hear voices as a child and I wasn't scared of them. I can remember one distinct time but I just have this feeling or knowing that it happened more than that. I feel like I am going absolutely crazy...

I was in T the other day and I said, "Well all people contradict themselves and argue with themselves."

She said, "Yes, but not to the extent at which you do. Your mind will change so fast and so abruptly. You will say one thing and then you will turn around and fight with yourself almost. And be very angry and defensive."

Sometimes I feel like I have no substance. I mean, like when I am in this state. I seem to be confused about who I am. My identity feels shaken. I can't formulate a thought very well and just can't think. Sometimes I feel 'small' and just want to curl up. I feel scared and little and it is hard to do adult things I should be able to do.

Is that possible? Can these emotional pieces 'take over' or influence how I perceive and do things? Like I feel what they (me?) feel and it influences what I do and how I act. I am aware. When I depersonalize and feel like I am separated from the world and from people or even myself I sometimes will continue talking. And it is like I am only half involved. I talk but I am not really even thinking about talking and it doesn't feel like me all the way. My body doesn't always feel like it is there. I can't explain any of this...

Is it possible to have layered emotional aspects? Have you ever heard of such a thing?

It Keeps Adding Up (Part 2)

I sometimes have these semi-blackouts... I am not sure if it is really a blackout though.. It's like time loses all meaning and I just become not aware as much of what I am doing or what I have done... The blackouts are anywhere from a few seconds at a time to minutes and even up to an hour. Or maybe longer. I'm not sure. And like I said, it's not really a blackout per se, but like I keep becoming unaware of where I am and what I am doing and then time will like slip by and I don't notice it and I get lost... I guess I have kind of blackout out or lost time a few times maybe...? It feels like I used to feel when I smoked a ton of weed... When I look around, everything 'stutters'. Like time folds in on itself. And every few seconds it's like I forget where I am and I'm disoriented. And then right when I start to remember where or even who I am it happens again and then I am like, "Am I real? Where am I? What's happening?" It's like time means nothing. Lose all sense of time kind of. And I get tingly and it feels like I'm floating. I go numb...

I am not sure if it is "true" dissociation or not... I get very spacey and am not really all the way "present" and I feel fuzzy and like I am in a dream. I can't really explain it. It is weird. Sometimes I feel disconnected from reality momentarily and I just "go through the motions" of the day while I am in this "state". I even feel time slipping by. Sometime I will look at the clock and will be like, "Waaaaa?"

I will at times be talking and then just stop mid-sentence and not even know what I have been saying. People have to tell me what I have been talking about. Sometimes I can resume. Sometimes I just can't. It seems like a distant dream that I can't remember
.
A month ago or more, while at work, I went and turned a TV off and was walking around and then sat back down (so I have been told...)

Then, I asked one of the aids, "Why is the TV off?"

She looked at me weird and said, "Chantel, you just came out of the soiled utility room, sat down, stared at the TV for a bit, walked over and shut it off, and then walked around. It didn't look like you had anywhere in mind you were actually walking too. Your eyes were glazed over. Then you sat back down and just kind of came out of it and asked why the TV is off. Do you feel OK?"

I replied (this I remember), "I didn't turn it off. I have been sitting here this whole time."

"Um, no you haven't."

At first I got angry because I thought she was playing a trick on me but then the nurse at the time on that shift said that she watched me turn it off. Then the room began spinning. Or maybe it was me who was spinning (in my head)... After a while, I vaguely remembered "shutting off the TV"... But I didn't think that was reality. I don't remember doing it per se, but I remember dreaming about doing it... Or at least I thought it was a dream. It's like I watched through a foggy glass or something... But it didn't feel real at all and even then, it was hard to retrieve this memory that I thought was a dream. I even asked them if I was dreaming and if I was real... They said I was saying things that didn't really make any sense and that I just "left".
Then I would come back and ask, "Am I still here?" And as soon as I would ask that, I would "trail off" again... I do remember asking these things vaguely. I remember this happened in waves... Like it was so fast... So so fast. Cycling rapidly... it's hard to explain...

And so, I had saw my T a dew weeks ago and I told her about the blacking out. Have already told her before actually... But it's happened some more and there's new things... I just wanna be done with it all... I am so f***ing tired of it all.

She said it sounds like another part of me takes over at least part way... maybe... I don't f*cking know... Not like a whole other personality, but like a fragment or something... I mean, it is like I am looking through a frosted glass. I "remember" things but only after people tell me what I did... I don't even know if I remember it or if my mind is suggestive and fills in the blanks. Either way, it is like it was a dream. I could swear I dreamed it.... But in reality I guess it actually happened. And then it will happen again and again... Like I will be aware of what's happening to an extent and can control it to an extent. But it is a HUGE fight to try and remain in control and not just fade out. It is so taxing. Sometimes I just go away. And I don't get it. It's like I can remember snippets but it doesn't feel like me. It feels like it was a dream and didn't really happen to me. I am so f*cking confused...

She said thinks it could just be dissociation and that I am checking out. I am not sure. I guess "I" myself am not really in total control, but "I", the other me, (not an alter or personality, just a different aspect of me) kind of does whatever... Because I can influence what I do and even control it to an extent sometimes.

Honestly, the last several.months, I'll do things and not remember doing them. I found some clothes I don't remember buying in stores I don't remember going to. They were purchased a few months ago. But I know I bought them because my debit card was used. And I will talk to people and not remember talking to them or sometimes I'll just black out or something. Or it's like I can see myself talking and hear myself talking to people but am not actively engaged in it. It's like I am in a different realm I am underwater and invisible. I'm someplace else.

This is not at all normal...

It Keeps Adding Up (Part 1)

So, here are just some things that have been happening in the last month... I found out about the 4th and 5th bullet points within an hour or two of each other...

• Anni (of one of my r*pes) was this month and I am so glad December is almost over... Persistent panic attacks that cause severe repercussions... It's beginning to affect my job as a nurse... I can't have this right now... I just can't handle this all right now...
  
• Dissociation and PTSD have been through the roof!
  
• Work is stressin me out and triggerin me badly.
  
• Found out my aunt has a very aggressive form of lung cancer and is dying and now any talk of death makes me panic... I am so sad... My mom is upset... We didn't really even having a Christmas this year because she wasn't in the mood... Not that I got Christmas off anyway... I went in at 3 pm on the 25th and got off at 6 am on the 26th and had to be back in at 4pm that same day... I have yet to get any holiday off...
  
• My best friend (the one who hurt me on St Patty's Day... if y'all don't remember the whole St. Patty's Day ordeal you can read about it HERE) got pregnant and never even told me... I know we weren't talking, but this was the ultimate betrayal... I guess being best friends since we were 5 (so almost 17 years) means nothing to her... I mean, for f*cks sake... We were like sisters... Inseparable we were! We finished each others' sentences... Did absolutely everything together... We were always there for the other.
  
  We always talked about how when one of us would get pregnant, we would go shopping and be involved in the pregnancy somehow...
  
  Normally, I would have been one of the first people she called... Instead, I get told by my mom, who got a text from her (my friend's) mom... It just hurts so damn much...
  
  I just stared at my mom for a few seconds and then said, "Uh,.. oh... okay..." *Short Pause* cue tears....
  
  I gave her about a week or so to tell me herself... I wanted to give her the benefit of a doubt.
  
  But she never did... And so, I felt terrible not telling her something, because that would make me a bad friend... so I texted her "Congrats! Happy for you. When are you due?"
  
  "Who is this?" she replied.
  
  Thinking that maybe she changed her number and didn't tell me, I said, "It's Chantel. Is this not ______?"
  
  "Yes, it is... Sorry my phone's acting weird. I don't know yet. I have an appointment in 2 weeks... Keep this on the DL. No Facebook." (Yeah, her phone is acting "weird"... She obviously deleted me from her contacts... Or got a new phone and didn't put me in her new one...)
  
  "I wasn't going to." I said, sad... Almost in tears...
  
  "Just making sure." She said.
  
  And that was that... No thank you for my congrats... Not even a reason for her not telling me... I doubt she would have ever told me... I had to make the first move... And this was 2 weeks ago since we talked. I have not heard from her once... And I think it is over. Age 5: pre-K/kindergarten to 21 years of age... (I am now 22 but turned 22 not long after we stopped talking)... So 16, basically 17 years we have been best friends... And it is all over... It just doesn't seem real... I feel so hurt and betrayed. We have so many good memories... Gosh... F*cking b*tch... I wanted to demand why she didn't tell me... What the f*ck is her deal?!?! But I didn't I held my tongue and just internalized it...
  
• T has been really difficult... It just has been really cruddy...Triggered really badly, often... Dissociate... In T, while driving, at work... Yeah... Stinks...
  
• Oh, and I had my yearly female exam the other day.... It was awful and very triggering... Made my PTSD symptoms so much more worse... Like they weren't already... And I think she could see the scars on my legs... No, I KNOW she could. It would be impossible for her not to... She didn't say anything though... She could tell I was really upset and uncomfortable.... So she made it fast, which was nice of her... But I still hated it... F*ck this sh*t...
  
• Then I was triggered further with the thought of her seeing the scars and it just made me wanna c*t even more... How f*cked up is that?
  
• I just can't focus... Can't stay attentive to what I need to do. half the time I walk around not knowing what I need to do or just walk around barely knowing what I am supposed to do or where I should be... Gets me into trouble... Employer told me I needed to get my sh*t together..
  
• I am soooo jumpy... Everything scares me and makes me jump... It's awful...
  
• I am SUPER achy and in pain all over... I HATE it and have no idea why I am feeling like this... It's wearing me out.
  
• I have no patience (this is a "me" problem I think though)... I snap at anyone and everything. I cussed a fork out today for like 5 minutes for me dropping it... No joke. Poor fork, it wasn't your fault... People around me are suffering... EVERYTHING is making me mad. Literally...
  
• I am very pissed at myself because I have such a hard time saying 'no' to people. If I do say it, I feel very guilty and upset... There we are again, repeating childhood conditioning... Don't live for myself... (This was not explicitly told to me but it was implied by 'their' actions and how I was to treat my dad and yeah it doesn't matter...)

Last night (9/21/13) and early morning today (9/22/13) mark the 1 year anniversary...

(I wrote this last night [9/21/13] around 8:00 pm)

And tonight, in a few short hours, is the night (of one of my many anniversaries). It's been 1 year. And who besides me (in RL) remembers? Who even cares? Maybe I don't even care... but that's a lie. And where are you dad? Betraying me again? Right now, you are sleeping where "it" took place. You are in the same room with the same man on the same night 1 year later... Drinking with him more than likely... And here I am... By myself at home drinking... Again. And I don't even care right now that I am breaking sobriety. I really don't give a f*ck even though I know that I should...

You make it hard to forgive you. But God knows I have to. Because God says I should... And because I love you. Despite the sh*t you have done to me yourself and despite the betrayal you have showed when it comes to your loyalty to your friend... 

Heck, you KNOW about what happened... You were THERE in the same room... I know I told you I was OK and told you to go back to sleep... But that was due to my overwhelming sense of shame and embarrassment... It was due to there being weapons all around and my fear that someone would end up dying... It was due to the fact that there was an 11 year old child in the room asleep... I didn't want to traumatize him or put him in danger... But, I have been told that you STILL, as a father, should have done something... I have been told that you should be livid at your friend for what he did... I have been told that even if it had been consensual, you STILL should be livid just for the fact that he would betray your "friendship" by doing something with your daughter, consensual or not... But dad, it wasn't consensual... And I worried myself sick for weeks before telling you because yet again, I WAS LOOKING OUT FOR YOU... I didn't want to hurt YOU by telling you what your friend did to me... I didn't want to cause you to lose your friendship... I didn't want you to go off the deep end and do something that would cause you to go to prison for... But all of that worrying was for nothing because you didn't even care when I told you. Well, you cared a little but you are still friends with him dad... I just figured you would care... I just figured you loved me enough... And after all of the sh*t you have done to me, I kind of felt like you owed me this... But maybe not... I guess you don't owe me anything...

(This was written today [9/22/13] after church)

So, today at church, I had to run out of the sanctuary really fast. Was gone for about 20 minutes maybe? I ended up sitting in the hallway, knees tucked up to my chin, shaking and trying to breathe right. Then I felt really "not all the way there". Have been feeling bad off and on all day long... Luckily there is a really amazing woman who I was able to talk to who brought me back to reality somewhat. Thank you Jesus for her. And thank you Jesus for Xanax...

Part 2 of My Story: Domestic Abuse

C was my first everything. I was very naive and innocent in some ways. I trusted him. He was so cunning and he told me everything that I wanted to hear. I believed him. Who knows maybe he did love me at the time in his own sick and warped way... It doesn't really matter. It was perfect for the first 4-6 months I'd say. I had fallen in love with him and he knew it.

He started to get really controlling though. I didn't pay any mind to it though because I loved him so much. After awhile the controlling just became progressively worse. He would tell me what I can and cannot say or do or think or dress and if I didn't do these to his liking he would ridicule me. It got to the point where he would bring up my childhood and would throw it in my face. Like it was my fault. He said I was a screw up from a sick and f*cked up family. He would throw my dad into the equation just a bunch of sh*t he shouldn't throw at my face. (You don't do that to someone who has been hurt. Hell, you don't do it to anyone... You just don't. Inside all people is an inner child. Some are happy some are sad and scared. You don't bring up one's childhood to use it against them especially when it is painful. That child (my inner child) was so afraid and hurt by what he did. [If this makes no sense I am sorry. It is all true though]). That hurt sooo bad I can't even explain. I was just scum. Then he would turn around and awhile later apologize and beg for forgiveness and for me not to leave. He swore he would change. And he did, for awhile, sometimes for a couple weeks sometimes for a month or so. He would be the guy I had fallen in love with. It would be like nothing had changed. I stayed for those moments. I put blinders on I think. I was in such denial. I kept telling myself it wasn't that bad.

It went from verbal and mental abuse to physical. He would grab me and throw me into walls or pin me on the bed or wherever he wanted to really. He would drag me by my hair. I think the one time I really thought, "Sh*t, I should have left. I am going to die. He is going to kill me..." was when he had me pinned on the floor and had his hands wrapped around my throat. He was choking me and I couldn't breathe. I started to blackout and he must have realized what he was doing because he jumped up and was wigging out asking for me to forgive him. I just stayed lying there on the floor. I was in total shock. If I said I wouldn't forgive him or retaliated at all the abuse would resume so saying "Yes C I forgive you" was the best option. There were other physical things but you get the picture. I think he liked the control. It was all about control. He had a narcissistic personality and he was very manipulative.

I would have taken the physical stuff over the verbal or mental abuse any day though. I mean, none of it was fun but the verbal and mental abuse really took its toll. He would tell me things like I wasn't really that pretty and that I was too wide in the hips, then I was skinny, too skinny, then I was beautiful. "Wow Chantel, you are a f*cking stupid sh*t for thinking you are ugly. Don't you know you are gorgeous?" he would say. He would constantly play mind games. It got to the point where I was walking on egg shells around him because I was so scared of what would set him off. It could be a slight smile at the wrong time or a shirt I was wearing he didin't think fit his mood.

I honestly cannot explain the way he manipulated my mind. He would tell me something and then if I didn't listen to what he told me I would "pay". It was so confusing because once I listened to what it was he wanted to tell me or convince me of, he would turn around and say that I was making it all up and that he would NEVER have said that... I would argue and say, "Yes, you JUST told me this." Well, arguing made him mad and then it just made it all worse in some way or another. So, I started to believe that he really didn't tell me that and that I actually WAS just making it all up. He convinced me I was crazy. The threats, physical pain and abuse, emotional/mental/spiritual abuse and mind control (almost like brainwashing), and sexual violence (more r*pes than I care to think about) and then the loving nature and wonderful treatment after the abuses and the confusion it brought on really all just contributed to making me feel insane. Literally. This cycle of telling me something or doing something to me and then convincing me that he didn't do it (or that I was just misconstruing the details and exaggerating what did happen into something it was not) was not just a one or two time thing. It happened multiple times in a day sometimes; followed by him acting loving and nice towards me and him saying that I was crazy for thinking he didn't love me or for thinking that he was EVER bad to me. How could I think he was bad to me? Was I nuts? I must indeed be nuts for thinking such a thing... OR instead of him showing love after these mind-invasions he would coerce me into believing him by physical abuse or intimidation. It made me go into a dissociative state. Everything got really foggy and I kind of just spaced out... I never knew what to expect with him. He kept me guessing. I was always on the defensive. It was terrorizing but I learned to sort of "blank out" while it was happening. And the sick part was was that I ACTUALLY believed it was MY fault he did these things and that I did something to cause him to do all of this. I think deep down I knew but I just so badly wanted it to be normal and alright?...

((((Sorry if you don't agree with it... I know it is gray area r*pe... If it even is r*pe. I was told by some people I know that are survivors of SA and DV that this is r*pe because similar things happened to them but my best friend said this was just sex and it is not r*pe because sometimes her hubby wants sex and she dosen't really want to but she does anyway... The difference is, her hubby didn't abuse her into compliance like C did with me... I felt almost coerced... I don't know I can't explain it... Sorry. Maybe it wasn't r*pe... Now I just feel dirty and sick.))))

About the r*pes... I just recently realized that they were even r*pe. You see, it would usually start out with a barrage of verbal, emotional, and mental attacks and then the physical stuff. Usually I would be mad and I would even sometimes fight back a little but that didn't end up well. Long story short, after he was done roughing me up a bit he wanted to day he was sorry and wanted to have sex... I obviously didn't want to have sex with him. For one, I was p*ssed at him for the things he said and did and I would feel in pain depending what he had done to me... BUT, I never really resisted. I just thought, "it's my duty do have sex with him..." he knew I didn't want to. My body language and facial expressions told that I was NOT into it... And, sometimes I even groaned and sighed to tell him I wasn't interested... I honestly was kind of scared to straight up say 'no' because I didn't want him to be super mad at me again and scream and berate me and push me around... I guess I just 'spaced out' while we were having sex. I know he knew I didn't want to. I mean, what person honestly would want to have sex after having done to them what he did? He could tell that 'I wasn't fully present' during sex and could have stopped to ask me what was wrong or if I was ok. I can't imagine how he wouldn't have noticed... I just think he didn't care. He didn't care enough to not hurt me in every other way why would he care if I wasn't really enjoying the sex like he was?

He knew how to twist his words to make you think sh*t smelt like roses. He was one way in front of people, calm, collected, nice, and loving towards me. Once we got in closed door the facade came down and he was his real self. He got me to believe that it was my fault. I honestly believed I did everything to cause this. If I just hadn't of said that or worn this or looked at him that way he wouldn't have had a reason to do what he did. It was my fault. It IS my fault.

I was brainwashed. It was like a spell I was under I swear. Once I was gone and away from him for a few months I saw how wrong it was and how toxic it all was. I hadn't been eating. I was down to 95 lbs because I was so nervous all the time. I still am little but not that little.

*******TRIGGER WARNING*******
C also r*ped me. An*lly. Uuuugh. ***Details*** We were fooling around and were getting ready to have sex. He asked me if I wanted to do an*l. (We had tried to once before and I didn't really like it and I just didn't want to do it at this time)... So, I said, "No not this time either, someday I will do it with you but I just want to have regular sex."
So, we start having sex. He was behind me. He pulled out for a second or two and I was confused and then he just shoved it inside of me pretty much dry without any lubrication at all. I screamed. It hurt so bad. I couldn't breathe very easily due to the pain. I managed to ask why he did that. He said he accidentally "slipped". So after it was over I went to the bathroom. There was blood. For like a week after there was blood. *******END DETAILS*******

Sorry, I am embarrassed.. Maybe I shouldn't have shared this part... But, it is part of my story... I don't think anyone will be understand this or what I went through or why I did the things I did and stayed if they haven't been in it themselves... I still am fearful I will be judged for acting the way I did and for staying... for that, maybe I did deserve what happened because I was stupid enough to stay because I was so controlled and warped... When he r*ped me I would go into a dissociative state so I didn't really do anything about it... I just freakin' laid there... Sigh *sobs*