A Dark Web Inside

So, it's been really difficult. Yesterday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a drive. I was the one driving and I didn't really have any single destination in place. We went to get something to eat, going to my hometown. Since we were in my hometown, I decided to start driving around. After awhile, I decided to take some back roads in the country. I ended up coming out at a highway near my hometown but outside city limits. I knew exactly where I was. So I took a right on this highway. I kept going, all the while growing more anxious inside; feeling something dark, evil, and sinister creep into my mind. It felt like something was on the tip of my tongue - a word that I couldn't quite find. Except it wasn't really a word. It was these terrible feelings: pure dread, terror, shame and disgust that seemed to come out of no where. Along with these feelings, I would have these images and/or memories (of my childhood with my dad at 'the property') pop up. The thing is, these images/memories were not bad memories. They were good and happy memories. Which is why it is confusing for me because I can't understand why I have these terrible feelings associated with these good memories.

It honestly felt like I was right on the edge of making some sort of correlation between these feelings and these images/memories and then *POOF* it was gone. Right on the tip of the tongue... It almost felt like on the surface, these memories and images I was having were pretty and nice, but take off the veil and you will see all the dirtiness underneath that is hidden away. The thing is, I have no memory of anything bad happening in my childhood at 'the property'. Thus is my confusion.

So, anxiety ever-rising, I continue to drive on. Trying my best to shake out of my head and body these terrible feelings I was having... Drive. Drive. Drive. Keep on driving, something compelling me to drive a few towns over on the back roads to 'the property' (land my dad owns where I spent most of my childhood free time here. My dad's best friend owns land bordering ours. This land is one of the places where I was r*ped by dad's said best friend.) Now, that makes sense why I would have bad feelings associated with these places then doesn't it? Except the thing is most of these memory flashes were from when I was really young. Hunting trips, hiking, fishing, 4-wheeling, etc. dad and I used to take together on the hundreds of acres of land... The r*pe by his friend happened when I was 21. So it couldn't be associated with that. No, this feels like there is something deep down inside my head. Something I can 'see' but really can't actually see. I am not aware of it. But I can sense something dark and depraved. A dark ball of web deep inside me... Tainting me.

My boyfriend had no idea where we were or why I was driving to where I was driving. He was just sitting there in his seat. My boyfriend also had no clue I was struggling as I was not flipping out like I normally would. I was in a dissociative state kind of. Internally I was going crazy but for some reason I couldn't talk about it. I felt like I was being silenced. Physically and mentally incapable of talking about this... I felt like I wasn't supposed to talk about these things. It would be bad... Not allowed... Bad girl... So, I demanded silence. Which was rude of me because every time my boyfriend tried to talk I would snap at him... I just was so close to breaking that I couldn't handle any stimulation... I felt I was going insane...

I had no idea why I was driving to 'the property' except that I felt compelled to drive there... I felt like I was being called/pulled there and it was so hard to fight. It felt like it does when I HAVE to hurt myself. The SI/SUI feelings I get that are so strong, I can't fight them. It feels like I am being controlled; like SI/SUI is a preprogrammed response to when I remember something or start to talk about these things to someone (my T or my boyfriend)... (I wonder if they are related somehow...?)

I drove to at least 3 or 4 different places all in the same area of the property. Every time I drove by one of these places I felt a "click" and then terrible, terrifying feelings would seep into me. Pure terror... The feeling and/or thought, "Something terrible happened here." But that was all it amounted to... Torture... Long story short I ended up driving by a river bottom with lots of cornfields (cornfields sometimes trigger me but I don't know why), a trail leading to our property, and 'the cabin' where I was r*ped by dad's friend. I did drive to one place that was not related to 'the property'. It was the house of a different best friend of my dad's and his friend's mom's house which is right next door. I used to go there a lot as a child. Nothing bad happened there either that I can remember but I still have these gut-wrenching feelings when I go by these places or when I think about them. And I have no idea why... Even just typing this all out, my heart rate has increased... I am trembling. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty. I feel like a dirty wh*rish girl. Need to be punished...... I am sorry. I am so lost....

Does It Really Matter?

I've often had this question and I know other survivors have it too: What is better? Being tortured with no love and all abuse? Or "loving" torture, mind games, and physical abuse with periods of intense sadistic abuse mixed in?

One of my main abusers (my father) hurt me very covertly. He even tortured me too (bending joints the wrong way just before the breaking point, pinching and grinding nerve bundles, tickle torture, throwing ice water on me while I am naked in shower, mind games, mental conditioning/pr*gr*mming, beatings, restraining me, deceit, trickery, all feigning love and playful games, etc...).

He liked to see that I was in pain but he never said this to me. He actually made it into a game. He told me I liked it. He tickled me relentlessly while hurting me in terribly painful ways at the same time so I would be confused about it all. I associated the bad torture pain with tickling and so I laughed while I was in pain. This has my current idea of love and genuinely playful "games" that I should be able to have with my bf messed up. My thinking is severely changed. How I perceive the world and people around me. How I perceive their actions and how I react to them. See, I thought those things between dad and I were all just games.

Even the possible sexual abuse wasn't direct so I am confused about that as well. I don't know his intentions at all. So I have often just wished he had been terrible and vicious and overt with it all so I would know without a doubt what did and did not take place. Then I might finally be able to feel like my anger and pain are justified. At the same time, I get very confused because he DOES love me. And most of the time he was a good dad. More now than he was when I was a child. But I know he loves me in very good ways. He himself is just messed up like me...

I think the main issue here, that I have realized now, is that ALL survivors think this way. ALL abuse is bad and no matter the intentions behind it, it obviously affects us all and leaves us with the same unanswered questions...

I can 100% see how one could think and feel the way how one is worse than the other. Just as I can see how I feel how I do. But it's really all the same.

I'm supporting you all!!!

More Shit....

Talked to my boyfriend. He said it is NOT a coincidence that every member of my family (mom, sister, dad, and yourself) has dissociative issues. Abuse seems to go back generations. But so far I have no recoedtion of sexual abuse as a child... Not "real" sexual anuse anyway. Only physical and mental, emotional, verbal, spiritual maybe even.

But this morning, I was exhausted and passed out fast once in bed. I had my back turned to my boyfriend who was also asleep or just about asleep. I had just fallen asleep. But he didn't know that and he started touching me, down there, and all over and at first I wasn't aware of it but kind of felt it at the same time. Well, during this I got scared and froze and pretended to be asleep. Even though I was very much sleepy I was semi-awake at this point. Then all the sudden he grabbed my leg and pulled me under the blankets and starting going down on me. Well, all the sudden I just wanted to scream, "Daddy!!! Stop!" "Daddy, daddy."

But all the sudden I realized it was my boyfriend... And boy am I glad I didn't call him daddy. And I started to really get into it and I was able to have a healthy remainder of the intimate moments thereafter. For that I am glad. I love my boyfriend and later in the day told him that I wasn't fully present in the beginning and that I kept wanting to scream 'daddy'. He wasn't mad at me but he was very upset with himself. He didn't know I wasn't awake in the beginning.

I'm just glad I was able to enjoy pure love and intimacy after the initial scare and fear and panic.

But the thing that I wanted to say is, maybe this isn't all in my head. Maybe there really is something there... I mean, all my family have dissociative issues and now after something traumatic (in perception but not intentionally done by my boyfriend) do I almost call him daddy and even thought it was my dad in a suit and mask that looked like my boyfriend at one point. I thought my dad had somehow got in my boyfriend's body?! How illogical is that? It's getting hard to dismiss this all away. The only drawback here is I have NO memories of sexual abuse and so this just doesn't make sense to me. And I logically knew that it wasn't my dad in bed with me but a part of me was terrified inside and just scared. But my dad loves me and wouldn't have hurt me like that!!!!! 😡

But what if he did?........... 😢

Therapy, "Possible Revelations", Switch to different shift... Life is ultra-chaotic.

So, first of all, I have been switched to full time night nurse. So 10pm - 6am full time. I never get to see my boyfriend now because he works 2-10 and we see each other in passing. I knew this would more than likely affect our relationship but didn't know to what extent... Well, it has been pretty bad.

For one, I am physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I have cried more these last several weeks than I have in the last year or more. It is crazy how emotional I am. All I do is just cry. Granted I have been dealing a lot with memories I think and flashbacks but still. In fact, one day after a fight with my boyfriend (who from now on I will refer to as S), I cried to the point where I was hicupping and gagging and literally in a ball trembling and heaving on the floor just trying to get some air... It sent me back to terrible flashbacks of when I would cry like that when my dad belted me or when I would be hurt in other ways (emotionally or physically or from terror and fear). And it was just absolutely terrible. I cried like this for like 2 hours... This was after a 10pm - 6am shift and I didn't end up falling asleep until 10am...

Also, I have been having revelations or memories or whatever... The thing is, I don't think they are really memories. Or at least not repressed memories because as far as a know I have always known this... It just all the sudden came to be and clicked and I remembered it. But once I remembered it it seemed as if I'd always known it... Confusing much?

So basically my body always hurts... I am pretty sure I have Fibromyalgia. I have what appears to be Reynaud's Syndrome and have PTSD and have had GERD most of my life (including childhood). All of these are known to go hand-n-hand with Fibromyalgia... But the pain I have been having lately seems to be different. This specific pain I am talking about is primarily my ankles and wrists. Then one night while in bed with my boyfriend, I had an 'aha' moment. This pain all the sudden made sense. Or at least I had a possible explanation. What it is that I 'remembered' is this: my dad used to hurt my wrists. When I was really little (and also not so little) my dad would put his big hand and wrap it completely around my wrist and hand and squeeze. So he would put his four fingers on the outside of my forearm right below by hand and his thumb and part of his palm on the outside of my hand and squeeze. In doing this, it would force my wrist and palm of my hand to 'meet'. I could feel it grinding and popping and it would hurt so bad. But he would stop once it got to a certain point... I told my boyfriend about this while lying in bed and said, "I think I know why my wrists hurt so bad all the time. My dad used to hurt me, hurt them, along with the other things he would do that hurt me." He said my dad tortured me. But isn't torture something that is really bad? Like setting someone on fire or something?

Move on to yesterday in therapy. I told my T about how I miss talking to my sister and how they (her staff and my mother and my cousin/my sister's POA won't let me talk to her. They told her she isn't allowed to call me at all as punishment and if she does she will be punished again. I understand she did bad things and got into trouble but this isn't going to help her. It's going to make her worse... She has a LOT of mental issues and is 100% blind... I love her and miss her... It makes me so sad and angry... It's not fair. How can they keep us from talking... I just don't get it...

I also told my T about the wrist and ankle thing... I told her, "I think I know why my wrists have been hurting so bad all the time. You already know that my dad has hurt me but I don't think I ever told you about this. See, my dad used to hurt my wrists along with the other bad things he would do that hurt me. But while he did it he would be telling me 'I love you' and 'Isn't this fun?' At the same time sometimes he would be tickling me so I would be feeling funny feelings and laughing hysterically but yowling in pain and it was so confusing for me because he was doing it in a loving manner." Not once did it occur to me that his intentions were bad. But then again, I have broken my left wrist but I have no recollection of ever hurting my right wrist. So maybe it is both things causing this pain that drives me mad.

Well she also told me that my dad tortured me... This just makes no sense to me... I can't grasp it.

My boyfriend has this ability to hear people's thoughts sometimes. I believe him because he has proved it to me by telling me some of the things I have been thinking from time to time. It doesn't scare me in the slightest. And I have been able to do this before a few times also so it makes sense to me. So the last time my boyfriend and I were at my parent's house my dad ended up going to the ER because he was in excruciating pain. Before he left, my boyfriend told me that he looked at my mom and me and thought to himself (which my boyfriend heard), "They (meaning my mom and myself) can never know. They will never know." And then he left. I don't know what he meant by this but my boyfriend told me it had a sinister and sneaky vibe to it and that maybe my dad isn't as innocent as he seems... What the heck I can't understand...

Last but not least, I told my T that my dad seems to do things in front of my boyfriend, almost like he is daring him or seeing what he can get away with? He makes references and advances to my breasts and slaps my butt. And then he will purposefully bring these incidents back up to my boyfriend when they are alone and ask him what he thinks of them and if he finds them funny. What the hell dad?!

So I told my T this and she said she thinks my dad thinks he has ownership over me and is trying to assert his power over me in front of my boyfriend to prove this to him... Right when she said that, I had another 'aha' moment. I told her, "One time my dad smacked my butt and I got really mad. I told him I didn't like it and that he had no right to do it to me and he got this pleased look on his face. It looked like he was almost happy that I challenged him or something. Eager. He replied back to me. 'I am your dad and I can touch your little ass and damn time I want to." and then he walked out the door."

She just nodded her head... Also, we talked about the fact that my mom was abused in many ways, including sexually, as a child but denies it because she has no recollection of it at all.. My dad also had a shitty childhood... But neither of them talk about it... I also know that my mom's dad was severely physically abused by his mom. Forced to hug a tree and then forced to have his wrists tied together so he couldn't get away and then severely beaten and hurt. He ran away at the age of 14 and lived by himself ever since... So, I guess abuse goes back many generations in my family? This was also an 'aha' moment for me... Is this all f*cking connected???

My head was spinning by the time I left my therapy appointment.

The Mind of Someone Else

The Mind of Someone Else

*Story Teller*

How does one explain this?

Can you open your eyes and see?

Bad things happen in this world;

Things that should never be.

So stop a moment to gather

The thoughts inside your head.

Step on a different path of life

Of Someone Else instead.

*Someone Else*

How can I explain this?

Can I help you see?

I once was a smaller form;

A child with a desperate plea.

Fear enveloped being,

Wrapped in other’s hate;

Creating inside myself:

Rage. Guilt. Shame.

I grew up despite this,

Thinking I was free.

Living day-to-day

Surviving in a dream.

An alternate reality

Where Other’s took my place

Allowing me to survive the pain.

This was a gift of grace.

*Someone Else: Internal World*

Foggy void, voices heard

Drifting in, no more words

Space and time unravel, unwind:

Sitting behind the Third.

But once inside, I look out

At a new world and I watch birds.

Beings that are beautiful and true

Distractions from the reality

Of forced agony with you…

*Someone Else: The Change*

Now I feel I can explain it.

Finally, I can see!

No longer a small child

But a woman who can be free!

Freedom from guilt, shame, fear, and rage.

All of those are from yesterday.

And admittedly still, I feel the pain

But it doesn't have to control Me today.

I can live out my life untarnished

With my Guide, my Love, and my Light unharnessed.