Realizations About My Body and It's Problems

Headache again today... And body aches. Muscles kill me... I've been doing a lot of research... There seems to be connections between Fibromyalgia, GERD, Raynaud's Syndrome, PTSD, Migraines, and possibly even yeast infections. I battle all of these; most of them since I was young. Now, I must say, I've not yet been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia or Raynaud's Syndrome. But I have been dealing with the Raynaud's Symptoms since I was 12 or so. I'm almost 23 now. And the Fibro symptoms for at least 4 years. I fit every textbook symptom to a T... I have been diagnosed with PTSD, GERD, and have chronic yeast infections along with a myriad of other issues... It can't be coincidental... I just can't find a doctor to refer me to a specialist as they don't seem to believe me... I am getting so worn down. And dissociative symptoms bad again ad well... So fed up. I am too young for this sh*t... This isn't fair.

I mean, after all that has happened why do I have to deal with this stuff too... It's like my body f*cking hates me or something... It has been through an awful lot of sh*t... I think it blames me. I know I blame myself... Why wouldn't the rest of me and the parts of my body that are unknown to me feel that way too? I guess I thought that maybe, just maybe I could get a bit of a break. I have battled the ADHD all my life and the effects that it had on my learning abilities. Not to mention the social setbacks it caused; and God knows all the other sh*t that went along with it... The depression and anxiety... All at a young age... Let's not forget the PTSD diagnosis and dissociative issues that I have been having these last couple to several years... And possibly even most of my life... I am not sure.

I read that there is a link between Fibro and abuse in childhood (physical and emotional abuse and/or chronic psychological stress) and/or domestic abuse in young teen years... I have both of these histories. I read somewhere online that sexual abuse didn't seem to pose as a common link... I found that really odd actually. Anyway, there is a statistic that states that up to 25% of those diagnosed with Fibro have an abuse history. That just seems crazy to me but also very believable.

You see, I never really paid much mind to my physical ailments that I've been battling. But they have gotten to the point where I can hardly function some days. So, I decided to do some research on Fibro... The results that came up really shocked me. There I found that there are in fact MANY associated problems and diagnoses that oftentimes go along with Fibro... But what REALLY shocked me was how many of these conditions I suffer from... Most of them, as I said in the beginning of this post, since I was a child... This is just all too surreal... It is hard to really grasp that I can have all these f*cking issues... I MUST be making this up... One person cannot literally be as f*cked up as I am... Gosh...

In the reading I have done, I have found that people who have Fibro oftentimes, if not always, have other conditions that seem to be linked to it. I know that I already stated some of the diagnoses/symptoms in the beginning of this post but I am going state them again along with some others that I had as a child that I am not sure actually pertain to Fibro...

• PTSD (diagnosed) 
• GERD (diagnosed) 
• Raynaud's Syndrome (undiagnosed but almost 95-99% sure I have it) I literally have every single symptom of it 
• Chronic yeast infections 
• Chronic (almost every other week for most of my childhood) canker sores in my mouth. Sometimes 3-5 at a time. Sometimes I could hardly talk or eat for days to a week or longer (unsure if there is a link for this one) 
• Chronic/severe ear infections that were every other week as well (unsure if there is a link here) 
• Multiple Chemical Sensitivity - sensitivity to dust mites, mold, grasses (diagnosed) 
• Asthma (diagnosed) 
• Migraines (have suffered with them for most of my life I think) 

I guess I don't get a break. What-the-f*ck-ever... F*CK you you STUPID body....

Dissociation To The Extreme...

I've been having depersonalization and derealization I guess. I don't lose time. Not usually anyway. I think that's only happened once or twice and very fast and briefly only a few minutes. It's like there is this rapid cycling inside my head. I come in and out and there are bits of time missing but it happens so fast... Like a camera shutter.

I don't feel connected really to the world around me, or even to myself at times. I am behind a glass inside the back of my head looking out through my eyes (windows) [see above picture]. I see things in black and white during this. It's like I am under water. Sounds like I am wrapped in cotton or something. Nothing makes sense. I can't communicate right. It's all I can do but stay present. Also, sometimes I can't feel my body and it doesn't feel like mine or like me. It feels heavy and yet weightless. Like white in T, she has this big cushy red leather chair I always sit in and it feels like my body is going to melt into it but another part of me is going to come out and away. Like I am peeling away from my body and floating away... Breaking ties with this world in a sense.

It takes a lot out of me. I am prone to severe headaches/migraines during this. Odd body pains and sensations. I actually have had severe headaches all my life but everybody has that I think right? And when I was little I remember a lot of painful pressure "down there" in both "places". And the other night while trying to fall asleep. I got these horrible throbbing pains down there in my behind area. Once while at T (I don't remember what I was talking about) my girl parts started tingling and contracting. It was so gross. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I finally told my T this after a couple months. I was just so mortified. I was laughing though. I guess that's what I do when nervous? She wasn't grossed out. She said this could be all sorts of things. The word 'body memory' came about. But that can't be right. I wasn't abused like that as a child. Only in an emotional way that had sexual overtones. I also have been having bad pains all over the last year or two. Sounds like fibromyalagia or something... The only thing that happened that maybe would have required some type of dissociation would be that I was under extreme emotional pain/stress and fear and had a heavy weight on me and responsibility. But that can't cause dissociation. Can it?

Sometimes I feel at such conflict inside myself. I argue with me inside. I feel like at certain times, my mind switches so much that I can't decide or agree on any one thing. If I do agree or make a decision I quickly change my mind. I feel like different pieces of me are loyal to those I was made to be loyal to as a child. They are always in conflict and contradict themselves and it makes it hard to function. My T says I have 'splitting'. Not like separate personalities but parts of my mental functioning that split off because it was too painful to process or deal with or because if I didn't I would have went crazy or had a mental breakdown. Or I perceived it as unsafe or bad to process at the time. Maybe like an emotional fragment/partial personality split. I used to hear voices as a child and I wasn't scared of them. I can remember one distinct time but I just have this feeling or knowing that it happened more than that. I feel like I am going absolutely crazy...

I was in T the other day and I said, "Well all people contradict themselves and argue with themselves."

She said, "Yes, but not to the extent at which you do. Your mind will change so fast and so abruptly. You will say one thing and then you will turn around and fight with yourself almost. And be very angry and defensive."

Sometimes I feel like I have no substance. I mean, like when I am in this state. I seem to be confused about who I am. My identity feels shaken. I can't formulate a thought very well and just can't think. Sometimes I feel 'small' and just want to curl up. I feel scared and little and it is hard to do adult things I should be able to do.

Is that possible? Can these emotional pieces 'take over' or influence how I perceive and do things? Like I feel what they (me?) feel and it influences what I do and how I act. I am aware. When I depersonalize and feel like I am separated from the world and from people or even myself I sometimes will continue talking. And it is like I am only half involved. I talk but I am not really even thinking about talking and it doesn't feel like me all the way. My body doesn't always feel like it is there. I can't explain any of this...

Is it possible to have layered emotional aspects? Have you ever heard of such a thing?

It Keeps Adding Up (Part 1)

So, here are just some things that have been happening in the last month... I found out about the 4th and 5th bullet points within an hour or two of each other...

• Anni (of one of my r*pes) was this month and I am so glad December is almost over... Persistent panic attacks that cause severe repercussions... It's beginning to affect my job as a nurse... I can't have this right now... I just can't handle this all right now...
  
• Dissociation and PTSD have been through the roof!
  
• Work is stressin me out and triggerin me badly.
  
• Found out my aunt has a very aggressive form of lung cancer and is dying and now any talk of death makes me panic... I am so sad... My mom is upset... We didn't really even having a Christmas this year because she wasn't in the mood... Not that I got Christmas off anyway... I went in at 3 pm on the 25th and got off at 6 am on the 26th and had to be back in at 4pm that same day... I have yet to get any holiday off...
  
• My best friend (the one who hurt me on St Patty's Day... if y'all don't remember the whole St. Patty's Day ordeal you can read about it HERE) got pregnant and never even told me... I know we weren't talking, but this was the ultimate betrayal... I guess being best friends since we were 5 (so almost 17 years) means nothing to her... I mean, for f*cks sake... We were like sisters... Inseparable we were! We finished each others' sentences... Did absolutely everything together... We were always there for the other.
  
  We always talked about how when one of us would get pregnant, we would go shopping and be involved in the pregnancy somehow...
  
  Normally, I would have been one of the first people she called... Instead, I get told by my mom, who got a text from her (my friend's) mom... It just hurts so damn much...
  
  I just stared at my mom for a few seconds and then said, "Uh,.. oh... okay..." *Short Pause* cue tears....
  
  I gave her about a week or so to tell me herself... I wanted to give her the benefit of a doubt.
  
  But she never did... And so, I felt terrible not telling her something, because that would make me a bad friend... so I texted her "Congrats! Happy for you. When are you due?"
  
  "Who is this?" she replied.
  
  Thinking that maybe she changed her number and didn't tell me, I said, "It's Chantel. Is this not ______?"
  
  "Yes, it is... Sorry my phone's acting weird. I don't know yet. I have an appointment in 2 weeks... Keep this on the DL. No Facebook." (Yeah, her phone is acting "weird"... She obviously deleted me from her contacts... Or got a new phone and didn't put me in her new one...)
  
  "I wasn't going to." I said, sad... Almost in tears...
  
  "Just making sure." She said.
  
  And that was that... No thank you for my congrats... Not even a reason for her not telling me... I doubt she would have ever told me... I had to make the first move... And this was 2 weeks ago since we talked. I have not heard from her once... And I think it is over. Age 5: pre-K/kindergarten to 21 years of age... (I am now 22 but turned 22 not long after we stopped talking)... So 16, basically 17 years we have been best friends... And it is all over... It just doesn't seem real... I feel so hurt and betrayed. We have so many good memories... Gosh... F*cking b*tch... I wanted to demand why she didn't tell me... What the f*ck is her deal?!?! But I didn't I held my tongue and just internalized it...
  
• T has been really difficult... It just has been really cruddy...Triggered really badly, often... Dissociate... In T, while driving, at work... Yeah... Stinks...
  
• Oh, and I had my yearly female exam the other day.... It was awful and very triggering... Made my PTSD symptoms so much more worse... Like they weren't already... And I think she could see the scars on my legs... No, I KNOW she could. It would be impossible for her not to... She didn't say anything though... She could tell I was really upset and uncomfortable.... So she made it fast, which was nice of her... But I still hated it... F*ck this sh*t...
  
• Then I was triggered further with the thought of her seeing the scars and it just made me wanna c*t even more... How f*cked up is that?
  
• I just can't focus... Can't stay attentive to what I need to do. half the time I walk around not knowing what I need to do or just walk around barely knowing what I am supposed to do or where I should be... Gets me into trouble... Employer told me I needed to get my sh*t together..
  
• I am soooo jumpy... Everything scares me and makes me jump... It's awful...
  
• I am SUPER achy and in pain all over... I HATE it and have no idea why I am feeling like this... It's wearing me out.
  
• I have no patience (this is a "me" problem I think though)... I snap at anyone and everything. I cussed a fork out today for like 5 minutes for me dropping it... No joke. Poor fork, it wasn't your fault... People around me are suffering... EVERYTHING is making me mad. Literally...
  
• I am very pissed at myself because I have such a hard time saying 'no' to people. If I do say it, I feel very guilty and upset... There we are again, repeating childhood conditioning... Don't live for myself... (This was not explicitly told to me but it was implied by 'their' actions and how I was to treat my dad and yeah it doesn't matter...)

What I wrote for 'National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week', (September 10-16) in 2012

I was diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) in 2000 when I was 9 years old. I showed signs of having it at a much earlier age but it is sometimes hard to differentiate between normal childhood inattentiveness and hyperactivity versus true ADHD. I also struggle with depression and anxiety (they play hand-in-hand with ADHD), PTSD-like symptoms, and OCD symptoms (haven't been diagnosed yet).

It had always been hard for me to follow even the simplest of instructions; not because I wasn't smart or didn't know how but because my brain couldn't slow down enough to even hear the whole set of instructions. I would only get bits and pieces of information at a time because my attention would wander off and on, thus getting me into trouble. I could NOT pay attention if my life depended on it. While all the other kids were outside at recess I was inside doing homework or sitting in time out because I also was always getting into trouble. I would blurt out answers or talk when I wasn't supposed to. It made the other kids not like me. I was different. I got made fun of a lot. I didn't like being the weird and annoying kid. I tried so hard to pay attention but my mind just wouldn't let me. I couldn't help it. Simple basic math homework of 15 question multiplication problems proved to take me hours and I would stay up bawling all night long because I thought I had to be the stupidest kid in the world. I had no self-worth or friends to speak of and the teachers were terrible to me. That all changed!

I got on medicine when I was 9 and it made such a difference! My C’s and D’s turned into almost all A’s and occasional B’s. Of course it took a lot of different medication changes to find my niche but I am so thankful! I also used behavioral therapy to help train my impulsiveness due to the ADHD.

I still have problems with ADHD in adult life though as it will be a life long struggle I am afraid. My grades did improve and I found out how smart I really was and that I am NOT stupid, but still I struggle with the social aspect of it now. I still am perceived as the “weird” one and frankly I don’t have too many friends and I think that is one of the worst parts of this/these illnesses: loneliness and rejection.

Unfortunately, I also have anxiety and depression. The depression can be really bad at times. The anxiety causes panic attacks. The anxiety is brought on by different things: racing thoughts from the ADHD, circumstantial stressors/triggers brought on by trauma (which leads to the PTSD-like symptoms)... It's all just  linked together I think.

It really bothers me when people tell me to just “stop acting like that” and that I use it as a crutch because I do NOT. I don’t like having this. If I had to choose between a visible or invisible illness I would choose visible because at least I would be believed and get the support and validation that I need to keep going through the day when I become discouraged. Support makes such a difference. I read my Bible when I become discouraged. Philippians 4:13 is one of my favorite verses (among many) that helps me in life.

I chose to be involved in NICIAW because I wish to bring awareness to these types of illnesses. Just because a person has no physical indication that they are ill does not mean that they aren’t. I hope that the stigma associated with mental health illnesses and other illnesses that cannot be seen with the eyes one day lifts and is recognized and validated. I want it to be that we will no longer be seen as the “weird” or “crazy” ones because our illnesses cannot be seen; we will be seen for what we are: human beings deserving of support and understanding. Blessings to all of you