Dissociation To The Extreme...

I've been having depersonalization and derealization I guess. I don't lose time. Not usually anyway. I think that's only happened once or twice and very fast and briefly only a few minutes. It's like there is this rapid cycling inside my head. I come in and out and there are bits of time missing but it happens so fast... Like a camera shutter.

I don't feel connected really to the world around me, or even to myself at times. I am behind a glass inside the back of my head looking out through my eyes (windows) [see above picture]. I see things in black and white during this. It's like I am under water. Sounds like I am wrapped in cotton or something. Nothing makes sense. I can't communicate right. It's all I can do but stay present. Also, sometimes I can't feel my body and it doesn't feel like mine or like me. It feels heavy and yet weightless. Like white in T, she has this big cushy red leather chair I always sit in and it feels like my body is going to melt into it but another part of me is going to come out and away. Like I am peeling away from my body and floating away... Breaking ties with this world in a sense.

It takes a lot out of me. I am prone to severe headaches/migraines during this. Odd body pains and sensations. I actually have had severe headaches all my life but everybody has that I think right? And when I was little I remember a lot of painful pressure "down there" in both "places". And the other night while trying to fall asleep. I got these horrible throbbing pains down there in my behind area. Once while at T (I don't remember what I was talking about) my girl parts started tingling and contracting. It was so gross. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I finally told my T this after a couple months. I was just so mortified. I was laughing though. I guess that's what I do when nervous? She wasn't grossed out. She said this could be all sorts of things. The word 'body memory' came about. But that can't be right. I wasn't abused like that as a child. Only in an emotional way that had sexual overtones. I also have been having bad pains all over the last year or two. Sounds like fibromyalagia or something... The only thing that happened that maybe would have required some type of dissociation would be that I was under extreme emotional pain/stress and fear and had a heavy weight on me and responsibility. But that can't cause dissociation. Can it?

Sometimes I feel at such conflict inside myself. I argue with me inside. I feel like at certain times, my mind switches so much that I can't decide or agree on any one thing. If I do agree or make a decision I quickly change my mind. I feel like different pieces of me are loyal to those I was made to be loyal to as a child. They are always in conflict and contradict themselves and it makes it hard to function. My T says I have 'splitting'. Not like separate personalities but parts of my mental functioning that split off because it was too painful to process or deal with or because if I didn't I would have went crazy or had a mental breakdown. Or I perceived it as unsafe or bad to process at the time. Maybe like an emotional fragment/partial personality split. I used to hear voices as a child and I wasn't scared of them. I can remember one distinct time but I just have this feeling or knowing that it happened more than that. I feel like I am going absolutely crazy...

I was in T the other day and I said, "Well all people contradict themselves and argue with themselves."

She said, "Yes, but not to the extent at which you do. Your mind will change so fast and so abruptly. You will say one thing and then you will turn around and fight with yourself almost. And be very angry and defensive."

Sometimes I feel like I have no substance. I mean, like when I am in this state. I seem to be confused about who I am. My identity feels shaken. I can't formulate a thought very well and just can't think. Sometimes I feel 'small' and just want to curl up. I feel scared and little and it is hard to do adult things I should be able to do.

Is that possible? Can these emotional pieces 'take over' or influence how I perceive and do things? Like I feel what they (me?) feel and it influences what I do and how I act. I am aware. When I depersonalize and feel like I am separated from the world and from people or even myself I sometimes will continue talking. And it is like I am only half involved. I talk but I am not really even thinking about talking and it doesn't feel like me all the way. My body doesn't always feel like it is there. I can't explain any of this...

Is it possible to have layered emotional aspects? Have you ever heard of such a thing?

Ritualized Abuse (Part 1)

What I have written below are excerpts from what I have written on online forums for survivors of sexual abuse and also from journals I have written in the past. So, if it seems like some of the below content is directed towards a certain audience (those on the forums), it’s because it probably is. Some of the content is dated, that is from my journal entries… but to make it easier to read, I will just split this all up into “entries”. I apologize; I know it’s a lot… But it is just something I need to dive into and give to you… We don’t have to talk about it all anytime soon, if ever really… Maybe we can someday, but I just need it out there… I need there to be some type of understanding: a base per se. Otherwise I will just forever beat around the bush… This is, of course, nowhere near all of it… But it’s a start…

Entry 1

So, just saying, this is going to be long.

I have survived ritualized abuse (not to be mistaken with ritual abuse). *There was a definition that I saw that said a broad definition was abuse that is done in a systematic manner or done in a ritualized way (like in repetitive and systematic abuse) often involving degrading sexual, physical, mental, and emotional abuse and mind manipulation. Military basic training, hazing, partner-battering, and spanking children can be seen as ritualized abuse. [broad definition].

I am not meaning occ*lt rituals. I just want this to be clear. I am NOT trying to invalidate anyone. Please know this. I am just merely trying to process the systematic abuse. And my friend said he seems very ritualistic in how he did it as did my dad and his family, maybe.*

He used a lot of manipulation and he conditioned me to react certain ways when he did or did not do certain things. And the ways he hurt me, it did it the same way and did the same things to trigger me to be dissociative before he did whatever it was he was going to do.

Also, as a child, my dad and his mom and sisters turned me against my mom and poisoned my small mind against her and made me believe that my purpose and duty was to please and protect my dad. I didn't live for myself. I didn't even ever focus on me as a child. My purpose was my dad. I was so sick. I AM so sick... I can't explain it all... It hurts a lot.

The psychological abuse was horrible and it forever altered my mind it seems...

You see, it was very ritualistic in how he abused me and followed through with the abuse and he [my ex] manipulated and controlled my mind. I began reacting like a robot almost in time from the things he did. He conditioned me or 'trained' me... So, I don't know how it was that he truly got me to think and perceive things as he wanted me to or how he got me to react the way he wanted to... Well, it was through abuse but still, that just doesn't seem to cut it? I don't know... I guess I have been told it was gas lighting and is a "form" of mind control or at least an aspect or facet that is used in it.

I am hoping to find even a small trace of validation even if it is knowing (or not knowing) what happened to me and what exactly to call it... Either way I will be one step closer to the truth...

Oh, and I wasn't a child either when this part of my abuse happened. I was ages 17-19. There were times when I was a child that my dad and his family (unknowingly/unintentionally caused harm, but I know that they would never have meant to hurt me on purpose) but they controlled my mind from an early age and it hurt soooo bad. It still has left me f*cked up in the head although I am trying to break through the lies.... I will maybe share that too while I am here. Sorry... I just wanted to put it here to just in case and because someone said (and I have always felt in a way) that it was ritualized and VERY intentionally done to gain control of me...

Okay, here we go:

I know it is not as sadistic as many others have experienced ... Hell, I am not even sure if it is sadistic at all. I am not sure what it was or what to call it... I don't freaking know...

Hugs and comments GREATLY appreciated.

February 25, 2013

"I feel he was a sadist in an emotional sense. He got enjoyment out of making me suffer emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. It felt tortuous... Which is why I wrote what follows... Please tell me if this does not being here... I will remove it.

He would torture me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and he would physically abuse me and then he would expect me to have sex... I was semi-dissociated sometimes... He an*lly r*ped me once too. So much blood. And he v*ginally r*ped me more times than I am even sure of. He'd pull my hair and he would batter me verbally until I was a compliant shell of a human being too afraid and "out of it/zoned out" to fight him or even really care what was happening... Don't get me wrong, I cared but, I can't explain it, I kind of gave up and was resigned to what he was doing to me and what he was going to keep doing too me. I loved him. I was his amusing toy he could manipulate and abuse and get pleasure from… plus he knew I loved him and he used it against me. That and my age. I was 17 and he was my first boyfriend. I never saw at home what a relationship was supposed to really be like... But that is another story entirely…"

March 30, 2013.

"I remember some other things. But I am not sure they fit here since they didn't happen while being sexually assaulted. But, I will list them anyway.

I remember him choking me once it was on Easter. 4 years ago. I was 17. He put my on the ground or, I don't remember how I actually got there... But he wrapped his hands around my neck and he choked me. I started to blackout. My vision became tunnel-like and it got smaller and smaller if that makes sense. Anyway, I figure it was due to both inhibited blood flow to my brain and lack of oxygen. He all the sudden stopped and freaked out and started crying saying how sorry he was. He told me that he deserved me leaving him. He did it in a way that made me feel bad for and sorry for him. I was the one who ended up comforting him!!!! What the hell was wrong with me?!?!?

Very often he did things like:

Pushing me into walls
Pushing me onto his bed
Pushing me to make me fall
Pinning me to walls, his bed, wherever
He pulled and dragged me by my hair...
He pushed me into the bathroom door once thinking it was latched but it wasn't and I fell through it and hit my head and back on the bathtub. That hurt!
He called me the most dehumanizing names. He got into my head and convinced me that I deserved it somehow and that it was completely justified and my fault. I really did feel like an animal sometimes... I truly thought it was my fault. I don't see how but I did. And to an extent a part of me still does...

He would follow me around sometimes and I would get kind of freaked out. He would interrogate me or something along those fashions but with some physical stuff mentioned above to get me all scared and zoned out and with the threats of "bad stuff" I just somehow knew he could and probably would do...

He did so many awful psychological (mental, emotional, spiritual) things, physical things, and sexual things. He loved the power of me being powerless. It tripped his trigger.

There were so many other things. It's impossible to remember them ALL.

April 4, 2013

"I have no idea how he did this... But he sometimes had me convinced I was crazy!

Sometimes after he would hurt me (either physically, emotionally/mentally, spiritually, whatever) he would literally have me convinced that I was crazy. It was the weirdest thing ever. I was sure that I knew what had just happened but he assured me that I was remembering it wrong or that I was making it up somehow. It took awhile before I got to the point where I doubted my own sanity. I think that the abuse and manipulation have to be somewhat recurrent in order for it to progress to this. At least that is how it was for me it seems.

See, when the abuse first started happening, I was sure of myself. After he did something hurtful to me, whatever that something was, I knew without a doubt that it did indeed take place. I may have rationalized it and made excuses for him and been in denial, but I still knew that it had taken place. And it didn't matter how many times after the incident he told me that I was making it up. I knew it truly happened. But after some period of time (a few months) and after repeated abuse and reassurance from him that I was making it up and that I was crazy in the head, I guess I started believing it? I can't tell you when exactly it happened.

But I think I have an idea of one of the techniques he used to get me to comply to how he wanted me to view the situation: conditioning. I hope that it is OK to use the term 'conditioning'. If not, I am sorry. But those are the only words I can really think of... or maybe 'trained'? I really don't know... Sorry. The thing is, it's still there. In my head I still react how he wants me too. 4, almost 5 years later.

So, this is how it usually went down. He would usually tell me one of these two things:

He would tell me that I "made" him do what he did and that I was taking it out of context. That he was doing it out of concern and love and was only trying to teach me how to act so he could help me. (This is primarily what he used when the abuse first started to occur. He said it in such a way that it sounded like he truly cared. This is how I explained away his behavior and remained in denial. I told myself if only I hadn't of done this or that.)

I think that I knew deep that I didn't "make" him do anything, but I loved him... I wanted to believe him. I was so f*cking stupid...

Then he would hug and tell me how much he loved me and I would say the same, now somewhat reassured that he did in fact love me.

Then we would go and do something fun and he would be the nicest boyfriend ever. I 'forgot' that anything had even happened.

Eventually, (about 8-10 months into the relationship, and I am assuming once he saw that I was mentally 'pliable') he progressed to telling me that I was crazy and that nothing at all happened.

At first, I was resistant to this and I would sometimes say something like, "No, I know what happened. You just pushed me not even 5 minutes ago. I am not making that up. You just did it. I am not crazy."

This would piss him off. He would be adamant I was indeed not remembering it right. (Yeah, like I could forget how/what happened in a period of minutes lol.)

The more and more he told me I was remembering it wrong, the more aggressive he became. His demeanor was threatening. He would shove me just a little bit to where I lost my balance but didn't fall completely over, he would tower over me and scream terrible things at me and squeeze my arms with his hands until my arms started to hurt. He had this horrible look in his eyes.

He would again tell me that I was misconstruing everything. He would say that he would NEVER hurt me because he loved me so much.

Then he would take my arms and wrap them around his neck and he would hug me really hard. Too hard. It was sometimes difficult to breathe and I was scared because I felt smothered and trapped. But I couldn't get away because he wouldn't let me go until he was done hugging me. It was on his terms.

But I just HAD to get free. I felt so anxious.

So, I tried to get free because I was feeling scared and mad and I would say, "Let me go! I want to go home!

He would then get mad again and push me on the ground, or up against the wall, or on the bed...

He would block the door and not let me leave. He would say, "You aren't going anywhere yet. Now, I really AM sorry for having to do that but I was just trying to give you a hug. Come here." - Then he would again pick me back up and hug me. Except this time I wouldn't fight it. I didn't feel anything at all. I was blank. I was like a zombie and I just was 'playing the part'.

I don't really know what happened after this would take place. Maybe he let me leave? I don't remember. It happened so often. There were so many other things he would do. There were times he wouldn't let me do things unless he said so or felt it was OK. If I went against it, he would physically hold me "captive" almost by blocking his door and he had this cold and evil, almost primal, look in his eyes. I would be so scared... He LOVED it! WTH?!?!

I feel bad for complying... I feel like I allowed it. And I feel so dumb that I honestly did believe that I was at fault and crazy.

Part of me thinks it was just safer to agree with him and go along with him in believing that nothing happened, but I can't be sure.

And honestly, looking back, I think that deep down, I knew the truth. At least in the back of my mind. I knew what he had done. But not agreeing with him would have been worse and I loved him so much and wanted to believe him so badly. So, I did. I began to believe that maybe, just maybe I was mixing everything up.

So, these types of things began happening so often... Sometimes multiple times in a day. I just stopped feeling and I agreed with him. It was like a natural response. And he KNEW he 'trained' me to be like that. But at the time, I had no idea that he even was training/conditioning me... I just, I was so f*cked up in the head... Honestly I didn't even know what was what any longer. Sometimes it was like I didn't even know who I was anymore... It sucked. I still don't get it.

But there were other times that I expected him to be awful and he treated me so awesome. Like he had in the beginning when I first met him. He acted like the guy I fell in love with. And I would be confused and I would think, "Finally! He is back!" and then I would let my guard down... And then he would hurt me again.

He would tell me that nothing happened and that I was just misconstruing everything. He would then say that even if something hypothetically did happen, it was because I provoked him and that he would NEVER do anything unless I gave him a reason.

But he REALLY did love me at one point. In the beginning of the relationship. He had to of. What is wrong with me? I feel crazy all over again.

I just can't get over how I obeyed him! I listened and reacted how he wanted me to.

It just happened. I didn't even know that this is what was happening! Not to this extent anyway!

When I reacted to the abuse (after prolonged exposure) it was like a reflexive natural thing I did. And HE caused it.

Are there different degrees of conditioning or control of the mind or mental manipulation? Or is it something else entirely? Again, I am not trying to make anyone mad or offended nor am I trying to invalidate or discredit or lessen what has happened to you all. I am just so lost and mixed up still... Been doing so bad lately.

Even now, I catch myself not wanting to believe it and I find myself making excuses for him.

And when I talk about what he did, I get terrified. He said he'd bash my brains in with a crow bar if I ever told again because he was tired of me making "lies" up about him.

Lately I've been seeing him places. I get so internally panicky. Heart races. Mind races. Uuuuuugh. And I have been really struggling lately with the feelings of panic, dread, irritability, racing heart, trouble breathing, and hands shaking and trembling. And very often I have an overwhelming feeling of dread. I've been hyper-sensitive and very jumpy like I'm always on guard. Everything seems to startle me. And these feeling aren't always when I'm triggered either; sometimes it seems to happen out of nowhere. But lately, more often than not, it is a persistent feeling/reaction I'm having. Also, it seems that my mind is constantly going over and over about the abuse that has happened to me. Like internally in my mind it happens on a loop sometimes. I can feel the emotions I was feeling at the times of the r*pes or there was even a few times several months ago a few weeks after the last r*pe occurred where I could actually physically "feel" it happening. I know that makes no sense though.I'm having trouble concentrating and staying focused and everything seems to get me riled up, anxious, or pissed. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to go crazy. Everything gets fuzzy and I sometimes feel far away. And now anytime I talk about what's happened to me (the r*pes, abuse, and just all of the bad stuff that's happened), even if it's just typing it on the computer, I start to shake and/or my heart races and I begin to feel what I listed above.

But I do find it odd, I know in my heart that what he did was wrong but still try and talk myself out if it sometimes. And even though I know it was him, not me, I still feel the fear that he instilled in me and that he trained me to feel and react to in the way(s) he wanted me to react.... And it won't leave even though I know he is not hurting me any longer. It's like a physiological and mental response. It just happens.

Why?

How?"

That's the end of that... But I was thinking, perhaps the reason (other than that I truly did love him) was that I desperately wanted to please him... More than anything I wanted him to be the guy I fell in love with and I wanted to do anything to make him love me... That makes it my fault... Also, I think part of the reason I felt like this was due to what my dad and his family did. I was told as a child up into my teens (16 or so) that it was my purpose to protect and serve my daddy and make him feel better. And he loved me so much and in such an intense way. He loved me and talked to me the way you would talk to a lover or best friend... He always (and still does) introduce me as his daughter, pal, buddy, best friend... And I loved him also with that much intensity. It was sexually tinged and I am so gross and dirty. I was used but I am still gross and nasty. They put their ideas in my head. They poisoned me against my mother. Something so deep that even now it is still in there. Nothing will make it go away. I think that what they did maybe set me up for this. And all of the other r*pes that have happened... Anyway, sorry for this tangent. I will post maybe more about my dad and his sh*t after I post this if that's OK that is...

Again, I KNOW I apologize too much but I can't help it... It is one of those things that I chronically do and have no clue as to why...

Part 1 of My Story: Covert/Emotional Incest

*Below are entries that I have taken out of my journal regarding the topic of covert incest. I have had to revise some of the entries so they will make sense for readers. Thus they will sound a bit choppy, but readable I hope. Also, you can see how over the time span of these entries takes place, my mindset changes.* 

*Entry 1* (Written in late 2011 or early 2012)

My dad never really neglected me I don't think. In fact, we have always had a great relationship actually (although recently we have more of a strained relationship). He was a great dad. He just shared things with me that I should never have had to know about at such a young age. He, along with his mother and sisters, poisoned me against my mom by telling me things she did to him (a lot of manipulation and emotional hurt) and what she didn't do for him (sexual things; along with other things that I won't get into... too painful).

Everything they had been telling me about my mom made total sense to me and I didn't even really question it. I saw how awful she was to my dad and I saw his pain. So when he disclosed to me during our alone time how hurt she made him feel, it just 'clicked' for me. It seemed like the total truth to me. Had I of not seen 'proof' of her hurtful ways, I may not have so easily believed them, but I saw with my own eyes what my mom did. I heard the things she said to my dad and the look on his face after she said them crushed me.

You see, my dad was my best friend. He was my pal. I loved him with an intensity that can not be put into words. I was in love with him. He had made me into his emotional lover. He replaced my mom with me and I took on her role as wife in all ways except physically sexual.

I used to think, "How can she hurt him like that?! How can she do this to the one thing I love the most!!!?"
It filled me with such an extreme sense of emotional pain that I felt it physically. And then he would tell me what she did and it just cemented in my mind even more how awful she was. I 'hated' her. I was too young to sort out what was and wasn't true or even to think for myself that maybe I should listen to my mom's side of the story. I took everything my dad told me as total truth.

The things my dad told me that my mom did were excruciatingly painful to hear (even as an adult, let alone child of 10, maybe younger). But as I got older the bitterness grew and festered and it was so deeply rooted that I even began to hate myself. I was so mean to my mom. Everything she did to get close to me I seemed to knock down. I wouldn't let her get close to me. I 'hated' her, but at the same time I felt bad because I loved her. Even now I am almost in tears remembering how I felt. All of these emotions are coming back. I was in such conflict all the time.

My mom would always ask me, "Why do you treat me like this Chantel? What have I ever done to you to deserve this treatment?!"

(I couldn't tell her what my dad was saying that made me hate her. I had to protect him! He was my pal remember? I loved him and had to protect him at all costs. That was my job! My duty! I forgot to mention this but as far back as I can remember, my dad's mother and sisters always told me, "You have to protect your daddy. You have to take care of him. He hurts so bad inside. Your mom... what a woman..." and things along those lines. So, I HAD to protect him did I not?)

So I just said, "I don't know why I act the way I do mom. I am a f*ck up. I am a b*tch."
The whole time inside I was hating myself for hurting my mom because I really didn't hate her like I told myself... I loved her so much but I couldn't tell her why... I knew I was killing her inside (part of me hated hurting her and the other part loved it. I thought she deserved it for hurting my dad so much). Looking back, I can see how I would have thought I hated her. I had such ANGER towards her for hurting my love... I had such resentment inside. I could not be nice to her. I just couldn't. I can't even explain it. I just can't and I am sorry...

The thing is, I never gave her a chance to tell me her side of the story. It somehow never dawned on me that she had a side to tell. I always just thought she was the bad guy and my dad was the angel. (Now that I am forcing myself to think about it; I can only imagine how confused my mom must have been to have at one point, had a child who loved her so much and then, BOOM change into this hateful little kid.) My mom and I honestly had a pretty good relationship until the "age of awakening".

Oh, and you know what the funniest thing was? During times when I was being horrific to my mom; my dad would always ask, "Why do you you treat your mom like this? Why are you so hateful? What is wrong with you?".
It drove me so mad!!!! He and his family told me all this horrible crap about her and told me how hurt and bothered he was by her and expected me to not act otherwise?! I was a child!!! I couldn't f*cking process it, let alone know how to act towards her...) I don't honestly think they knew that they were doing was wrong... Hmmmm. Odd.

I feel in a way like a chess piece, being played to their advantage (even though that isn't what they wanted). For years the damage accrued and pain was just too much to bear and numerous ways of 'coping' started to develop:

Age 13 - Self-injury (SI) (cutting, burning, preventing wounds from healing) I still use this method of coping although not as often as I used to.
Age 14 - Mild ED (eating disorder - anorexia/bullimia)
Age 14/15 - Drinking (little did I know the long and painful road this would take me down)
Age 15/16 - Use of marijuana and prescription medication

This all went on until I was about 16 or so when I almost killed myself. I OD'd on a handful or more of various prescription pills (uppers and downers and I don't even know what else) and drank around a pint of whiskey. At the time I weighed 85-90 lbs soaking wet. I am very lucky. God obviously had/has a purpose for me. I fell away from God for a really long time during these dark times. It wasn't until recently (last 3 or 4 months) that I started going back to church and rekindling my relationship with God.

Anyway, my parents found out about what happened and made an emergency appointment with my T (therapist) at the time. So here we are, my parents and I, in my T's office. Me sitting on her couch and trying my hardest to just wait them all out and not say a word because I did NOT want to be there with my parents and I did NOT want to talk about what had happened. But my T (who knew all about what my dad and his family had been doing with/to me) said, "Chantel, is there anything you would like to share with your parents? Perhaps the reason behind your OD?"

I was floored. I just stared at her; mouth open and jaw dropped down to my knees... I shook my head and pleaded with my eyes for her to shut up. She didn't. And of course by this time my parents were very interested and wouldn't leave it alone... So, I pretty much had to tell...
I don't remember how I started it but the next thing I know I am sobbing, hard. I couldn't even stand up. My mom was crying too. It all finally made sense. My dad was just sitting there looking at the ground. You could tell he felt awful. He said he had no idea how much this had bothered me. He didn't know he was hurting me. Hurting my mom. He said how sorry he was. Also upon reading some resources on this type of abuse it says the adult usually does not know what they are doing is wrong. It is usually something that has spanned over gnerations and is a a "learned way of coping/acting". It is a cycle that has to be stopped. I am stopping it!

After this session, he more or less stopped I suppose. Occasionally he will bring up some stuff about the past. Or I will. And I will just get so damn angry. I have been so angry lately. All of this stuff along with my r*pes has been gnawing at me. It is all starting to resurface. I still have a lot of resentment towards my mom but now I have a lot towards my dad too. I treat them like total shit. I just haven't been able to be nice to them. And they have no idea why and tell me they have never done anything to deserve it...

P.S. — Actually my parents are really very wonderful parents to me and I have mixed emotions with putting this on here because they are NOT bad people at all. They are wonderful people. They have made mistakes but who hasn't? I sure as hell have. But I still have this resentment towards the situation. Towards them.

I am not going to go into the specific things my dad told me to cause me to hate (I like the word "dislike" better now) my mom. They are too terrible. And it was only based on his THOUGHTS. What he thought was the reason my mom did and acted the way he did. And although I have to admit to myself that I believe him I still cannot be sure without asking my mom her side of the story. I just cannot ask her if the things are true because then she would know that I am thinking these things about her. I do not know. It is all so confusing having these conflicting thoughts and emotions towards both parents….

What I guess I want to say is that I do not want everybody on here to think that my parents are terrible people because they aren't. They didn't mean to do what they did to me. They love me so much and would never aim to hurt me intentionally I don't think. I just wanted to get this part of my history off of my chest.


The sexual part(s) will come later and this part has no relevance whatsoever to that aspect of my life. Thank you all for listening and understanding without being judgmental.
_____________________________________________________________________________

*Entry 2* (Written in November 2012)

Covert/emotional incest is actually very common in this age we live in. It is somewhat taboo and not widely talked about. I hope this changes and there is an awareness of it and its damaging effects.

I did in a way feel like an "emotional lover" to my dad. Like a therapist, or a best bud to him. What makes this all so much more confusing to me is that my dad and I have always been close. We have done EVERYTHING together since before I can even remember. We went hunting together (something I haven’t been able to do since his best friend r*ped me, but I’ll get into that later). We planted the fields together. I was attached to his leg and wanted to go EVERYWHERE with him. And the things we did do together I loved so much. In fact, even when he was telling me all of this stuff during these bonding times, I didn’t know it was bad. I wasn’t mad at him at all. I felt special and loved. I think that may have led him to think that since we were best buds he could talk to me about these things. I am not sure why he did it. I wouldn't ever do that to my children (if I had any) but I also know the pain it causes too though.

So, as I said earlier, my dad no longer does this anymore but I still feel the effects of it. The only other time is about a year ago when he was so depressed (I almost felt he was suicidal). He was sad because I blew up on him over nothing. (I am very mean to my parents. I don't want to be but I have so much rage and anger. I get mad and scream at them for nothing. Sometimes just talking to them I will scream and cuss at them I know it is awful. I am currently working on it.) He ran outside because he didn't want me to see him cry and I followed. He was smacking himself and hitting himself on the head. I ran over and hugged him and he started sobbing. I felt like I was transported all the way back to when I was little. He started saying things that my mom did and why he was so unhappy. I felt so bad for him because he is so unhappy. I still feel a sense of responsibility to help him and protect him. I got him calmed down. He went inside and I stayed outside and went to my car and lost it. I thought about suicide. I called my boyfriend at the time and told him I was sorry but I was going to do something stupid and that I loved him. He rushed out to my house and stayed with me. By this time Dad was normal and we were a big happy family...

I can see how everything he has done to me can be a type of sexual abuse in a way but have a hard time comprehending it because I was not "touched" but rather forced to listen and have adult conversations with my father about his sexual needs and wants. That does seem like sexual abuse to me. But on the other hand it is hard for me to accept it as sexual abuse because he didn't mean to do it and loves me so much. He had no intentions of hurting me. So, my T and I have decided on calling it ‘inappropriateness’ and ‘boundary issues’.  And I think that I am comfortable with that since I know he wasn't doing this stuff with sexual intent. I still feel weird though because it is just so weird.. *Ugh*

I know when I tell people this they always look at me like, “No one touched you so it couldn't have been that damaging.”

Well, it was. I just don't know what to think... Sexual abuse or not. I looked up non-touching sexual abuse and what all of the resources said was, "making a child watch or listen to sexual intercourse", "making a child watch or make pornography", “making a child look at one’s genitals (flashing), talking to a child in a sexual manner or about sexual content.”

I was told sexual things about my dad's sexual life (or lack thereof) and at a young age just so he could get emotional gratification and possibly even sexual validation (validate/cement his manhood)... I still don't know if this would be considered CSA... the non-contact kind of course...

I remember him asking, “Why does your mom not like to touch me? Am I undesirable and unsexy? Is something wrong with me? A man needs to be loved and touched…”

I was so hurt inside and felt such pain for him, so I said, “No dad you are fine. There’s nothing wrong with you. I don’t know why she won’t touch you. You are not undesirable you are sexy.” (I am pretty sure I said he was sexy, but I can’t be sure… Still, I feel so awful for even replying… Or put in the position where I had to reply…

It's like if he heard it from me, that he had nothing wrong with him and that he was still sexy, then his manhood was still intact because he had validation.
In his defense, I don’t know if he asked me these things directly for an answer… But was maybe rather just talking to himself and I didn’t understand that they were rhetorical questions so I answered him…
______________________________________________________________________________

*Entry 3* (written in January 2013 till currently)

I have been VERY confused over what my dad did and whether it was or was not sexual abuse... Well, I am not going so far as to say that it was because I am still not 100% sure about anything yet. I have been so screwed up... It has gotten so much worse for my mind since I have moved back with my parents... Anyway, I was doing some research and found a sight that had some definitions and examples that matched what happened to me.. (http://www.isatcenter.org/factoids.htm) All of the bulleted content below is from this site. The ones in red are those that apply to me and I then have written 'how' they apply to me. Thank you all for your support. Any comments or hugs or anything appreciated.

Types of Sexual Abuse

• Sexually touching the child. *(Possibly) Dad pretended he would touch (or maybe he even did touch, I can't rememebr) my undeveloped breasts as a child and preadolescent. He touched my bottom (even to this day despite my asking him to stop). But he really only means it as a silly and playful game. He also would pinch the tendon right next to my genitals. It is the tendon on the inside of your leg that is in your femoral area and goes into your groin I think. It was unbearably ticklish... I would be laughing hysterically because it tickled but trying to get away because it hurt. He was dangerously close to my genitals; like a couple centimeters away... But I still don't think he was doing this as a weird or perverted thing. But, at the same time, if some random person who didn't know my dad saw this happening, they might get the wrong idea...*
• Someone having the child touch them sexually.
• Photographing the child for sexual purposes.
• Sexualized talk. *Dad talked to me about his sexual life (or lack of) with my mom and told me how he was not getting satisfied by my her... He asked what was wrong with him and if he was just not desirable... Perhaps this was rhetorical but I answered him... I told him he was desirable and that there was nothing wrong with him...*
• Showing the child pornographic materials or making them available to the child.
• Making fun of or ridiculing the child's physical development. *As a child and even to this day he made fun of my small breasts and bottom...*
• Exposing his or her genitals to the child for sexual gratification.
• Masturbating or otherwise being sexual in front of the child.
• Voyeurism.
• Forcing overly rigid rules on dress or overly revealing dress.
• Stripping to hit, spank, or getting sexual excitement out of hitting. *Dad would sometimes take my pants and panties off when he would use the belt on my bare bottom and sometimes legs. I don't think he did it for sexual gain however but I don't see why he would have to have me take off my panties... Pants are enough I would think?*
• Verbal and emotional abuse of a sexual nature. *This was a BIG one in my childhood. He and his family told me from a young age that I was to protect and be there for daddy. I was to be his emotional scapegoat more or less. The pain this caused me... I can't explain the heartbreak. It kills me. Over and over again.*
• Engaging the child in prostitution.
• Witnessing others being sexually abused.

How Can You Determine if the Behavior is Inappropriate?

• Treating you different from other kids
• Wanting to spend time alone with you, making excuses to go places or have others leave. *My dad always was wanting to do things together but I BEGGED him to. We were two peas in a pod. I loved him soooo much. Almost in an unnatural way. But I don't think he wanted me alone for sexual reasons. He DID use it to 'dump' on me though. I hated it but didn't even ever think he was in the wrong.*
• Asking you to do things that involve physical contact (ex. backrubs, massaging you, and/or wanting to help you wash)
• Attempting to touch private areas of your body, bruising against you, rubbing their body against yours. *My dad attempted to (and maybe even did, I can't remember for sure) touch my breasts and touches my body and tickled me close to my genitals but I honestly think he was just playing and was ignorant and not aware that he was being inappropriate? He wouldn't do that to me... I can't believe he would... But at the same time it is so weird*
• Putting lotion or ointment on you when you can do it yourself.
• Not respecting your privacy and entering the bathroom or your bedroom while your showering or dressing. *My dad barges in my room without knocking sometimes. Usually when he isn't thinking or when under the influence. He sometimes knocks though. I would say it is 50:50. And he doesn't do it to see anything I don't think. He isn't aware what I am doing. There have been times when it is bad timing and I am undressing. But it was not on purpose.*
• Asking questions of a sexual nature or accusing you of sexual behavior.
• Showing you pornographic material and calling it sex education.
• Making sexual comments about your body and how you dress. *My dad makes comments that are ridiculing to my body and sometimes they give me the creeps, "Wowie!!! Look at those whoppers!!!!" in relation to my breasts because they are really very small. Although admittedly I sometimes bring attention to them and say, "I have such big boobs.." in a joking and sarcastic manner, it is different when I do it... But most of the time he is in the same room so he chimes in too. I can't blame him on this one. I bring that part on myself... If I am honest sometimes I say that on purpose so he WILL say what he does and then I feel nasty... WHY would I do that? I am disgusting... I never realized I did this until now.*
• Talking to you about their sexual experiences, walking around naked or inappropriately dressed. *He told me all about his lack of sexual life when I was young and how he wished he would be sexually satisfied and how a man needs to feel that and on and on. I was maybe 10. So, I guess it wasn't that bad after all. It still REALLY bothered and affected me even though it shouldn't have. I feel so used and dirty.*
• Telling you private information about their partner. *He told me EVERYTHING bad about my mom and so did his family. They turned me against her... I thought I hated her. Even now that I know what they did there is this deep down and buried deep, resentment and animosity toward her. I hate it but it is how I feel. I am ruined now because of it. And she blames me and resents me for feeling this way and is mean to me sometimes because of how I feel toward her... I hate myself.*
• Telling you that you are special or different, being mean and/or giving you special privileges in order to get you to cooperate. *A few times I told him I didn't want or like hearing what he was telling me and he said that I was the only one who related to him and that he loved me so much. I was like his other half. He said I was the only one who understood what he said and what we talked about or shared... I didn't feel I had a choice. I was sooo stupid. I couldn't say anything though because it was my duty and purpose to protect him. I even lied to my mom and told her I did a lot of the things he did and I covered for him even if it got me in trouble. My happiness didn't matter to me. It wasn't my purpose. He was. I was so sick. I even feel sick sometimes when he touches me and hugs me... Not always only sometimes... So I never know when to expect my nasty feelings and thoughts about him. How I hate this.*
• Limiting your contact with others and friends and asking you to keep their behavior secret.
• Treating you like a partner rather than a child. *I was his surrogate wife in so many ways. I was his emotional lover. I always used to think that he never physically sexually abused me. That it was only the emotional sexual abuse... Now I am not even sure about that... I just know how sick and disgusting I feel inside of myself. I want to throw up... I want to SI... I want. I want. I want...*

Now, I don't know if he ever did any of this for literal sexual gain or gratification but I know he did it for emotional gain and for validation of his manhood (sexual validation). I have been having people tell me that whatever his intentions were, whether they he meant to sexually abuse me (I can't see him doing this knowingly) or not, doesn't matter really. What he did was still wrong and he should have known. I mean, if his intentions weren't bad then why would he have to have done those things? You can play with and tickle children in places that are nowhere near their genitals. I know that I would never tickle a child that close to their genitals because I wouldn't want it to be able to be misconstrued as something it is not, plus it doesn't seem appropriate to me. I have also been told by many users on here that what matters is how I feel and that I have been hurt... A parent may spank their child and lose control and end up hurting them badly but they didn't mean to. Their initial intention wasn't to hurt their child, but that doesn't mean that they didn't hurt the child. It is still physical abuse whether they meant it or not. I think this may be how it is for me... But I am not sure. I know I have been told numerous times that I shouldn't need to label it but I just feel I need to label it... I don't know why... I wish it wasn't all so gray. I feel that if he had just not been a nice dad and loving it would be easier to feel upset at what he did... If he had just been more overt I could know for sure and not constantly doubt and question whether it was "real abuse" or unintentional and therefore justified by his ignorance... I am STILL confused though... Oh well.