Heartbroken and Grieving/ Severe Anxiety/ Support Needed

This is my dog Lucy when I was 8 years old. She was 6 months old. The next one is her with one of her MANY "bears". And this next one is me just smiling at her looking at something out the window.
RIP baby, I will miss and love you forever. *cue tears* 

***So, this is something I think I am going to let my T and my mental health NP (my medication prescriber) read when I see them next. It's been like 2 months or more since I last saw them. I am going insane and something is REALLY wrong with me. I think I need a referral to a psychiatrist.***

I have been really struggling lately with the feelings of panic, dread, irritability, racing heart, trouble breathing, and hands shaking and trembling. And very often I have an overwhelming feeling of dread. I've been hyper-sensitive and very jumpy like I'm always on guard. Everything seems to startle me. And these feeling aren't always when I'm triggered either; sometimes it seems to happen out of nowhere. But lately, more often than not, it is a persistent feeling/reaction I'm having. Also, it seems that my mind is constantly going over and over about the abuse that has happened to me. Like internally in my mind it happens on a loop sometimes. I can feel the emotions I was feeling at the times of the r*pes or there was even a few times several months ago a few weeks after the last r*pe occurred where I could actually physically "feel" it happening. I know that makes no sense though.
I'm having trouble concentrating and staying focused and everything seems to get me riled up, anxious, or pissed. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to go crazy. Everything gets fuzzy and I sometimes feel far away. And now anytime I talk about what's happened to me (the r*pes, abuse, and just all of the bad stuff that's happened), even if it's just typing it on the computer, I start to shake and/or my heart races and I begin to feel what I listed above. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I was going over in my mind things that have happened to me. I wanted to list them out, what happened, and how I felt so I could just get them sorted out and unscrambled from my mind. Maybe all of the stuff that has happened to me has just added up and has caused me enough scarring to feel like this now. I don't know. I just know I can hardly function anymore and it is impeding with my everyday life and work and I am scared I may lose my job if I am not careful.

So, to start off, as a child there was a lot of emotional/covert incest and possibly non-touching sexual abuse by my father. But for it to be sexual abuse however, I guess the person has to do it with sexual intent. So, touching or "almost touching" if done innocently wouldn't be sexual abuse..? I am confused about this because it's hard for me to be upset and angry without knowing my dad's intent. I KNOW he loves me and would never mean to hurt me. He did take the belt to me as a kid sometimes but I don't know. It was traumatizing and very excessive and cruel at times I feel but he didn't want to hurt me. He also choked me once or twice. He wrapped his hands around my neck and I couldn't breathe or anything. I was an adult when this happened though. So it's not like I was a child or anything. He liked to play mean and painful games that prevented me from having control of movement and he found it funny but they hurt. But I still liked them because I was stupid and young. Plus I got attention from my dad and I loved him so very much.
He and his family also brainwashed me in a sense. But they loved me and they weren't intentionally trying to hurt me. I don't think they knew what they were doing. But it caused unbearable emotional and psychological pain and confusion for me. It made me "learn" to hate my mom through them. They poisoned me. Anyway, that went on from mid childhood to mid teens. Along with the "sexual tinged" stuff from my dad.

My grandpa emotionally and verbally abused me and tormented me from toddlerhood or younger until I was 13 or 14.

Then when I was 17 (2008-2010) I was in an abusive relationship. He was 19 when it started and 22 when it ended. There was gas lighting/mind control and manipulation, physical abuse, emotional, mental, and verbal abuse, and multiple r*pes, an*l r*pe, and sodomy. He also choked me once and I thought I was going to die! I loved him though. The thing was, I never knew what to expect from hi. He could be nice and loving or cruel and sadistic. He kept me guessing and was always changing it up so I wouldn't know how to react or what to expect. It was like he was trying to alter my perception of reality: what was real and what was not. He would tell me I was remembering things wrong and that I was crazy. He would say that he did NOT just do what I was saying he did. He did that enough times (along with physical abuse and verbal threats to reinforce his point) that I began to believe him and question my own sanity. I can't explain the mental mind control. It was horrid. Still, I loved him dearly and even for the longest time after we broke up I viewed it as my fault. I still do sometimes. I live in the same town as him so I see him around sometimes. In fact, a couple years ago after we had been broken up for several months, he called me and was very angry that I had told someone what he did to me because after all, it was a lie… He said if he ever saw me and heard that I was telling these lies, he would bash my head in with a tire iron. I wouldn't put it past him either… I almost completely shut down when I see him. Just typing this is making my heart race and has me feeling light headed.

Then when I was 20 I was digitally r*ped by a different boyfriend's best friend. He was 22. I was drunk and high. He made me feel so disgusting... The things he did to me… The things he made me say… I relive that a lot… All the time I see or hear things that trigger me and send me back to there. That was in December of 2011.

Then in September of 2012, my dad's best friend digitally r*ped me and made me do things to him. He did so many sickening things to my body; including peeing all over my body while I was passed out. I was so drunk. My dad was there while it happened too and heard it happening I found out some weeks later. But in his defense, he asked me what was happening and I was so terrified of him seeing me like that that I just panicked and begged him to not come over to where it was happening… I still didn't think he knew I was being r*ped or doing anything sexual for that matter. I was wrong. He knew full well. But he listened to my request, so that's my fault for not allowing him to help me. He is still best friends with him too. This makes me feel betrayed somewhat. He says however that I am the one who betrayed him!!! I still don't get his rationale for that one!

But most recently, the last straw is that my best friend, my dog, died almost a month and a half ago on May 28th. It was awful. I am an RN and just recently got a job at a nursing home and that alone is stressful enough! Well, my dog ended up dying on my first day of work at this nursing home. I was to go into work at 7am for my first day of orientation. At 4:30am my dog was acting fine. I let her out to potty and she ate her breakfast. She was happy and was running around. Then at 5am she just let out this awful wail went stiff and was shaking. I thought she was having a seizure (but really most likely had a stroke) and then she went limp and stayed that way. Then she began having agonal breathing and periodically would let out this loud horrible bawl. She would make sucking noises at the air and try so hard to breathe but she couldn't and I couldn't do a thing for her. I felt so helpless. I held her for while and then my dad took me and her to the vet after I called them with an emergency vet call. While my dad was driving, she was heaving and suffocating. Towards the end her body was spasming and she was making those horrible screams again and then she just stopped. The vet met us there but at 6am she had already died in my arms. I was in such shock. I was hysterical and yet I could not believe it. I still went into work though at 9am that same morning. I was in a state of shock all day so I don't remember much of the day except how painful it was and how unreal it all felt. It still hurts but I have grieved so much by this point. The part that hurt the worst was the shock of it all. I have accepted it now and can look at all the good times we had.
She was my best friend. She was my only friend all my life. I got her when I was 8 and she was only 6 weeks old. She picked me. I didn't pick her. When I went to the farm to get a puppy, she ran up to me and followed me everywhere. I bet I walked all over that farm and I could not get away from that puppy (not that I wanted to). None of the other puppies really cared about me. They all wanted their momma, but she didn't; she wanted me. I would go and put her back with the litter and then would walk away but later I would look by me and there'd she be walking along side me looking up. I swear she was smiling. I still had not yet picked a puppy. She picked me. I didn't even have to pick a puppy. We connected just like that. Our connection was so strong. It was instantaneous. We were inseparable ever since. She got me through so much. I don't know if I would be alive without her honestly. I loved her so much. I have never loved anything so much. I just can't explain the level of intensity our friendship and love was for each other. We "got" each other. We did EVERYTHING together. Literally. There was not a time growing up when we were not together. She was the only childhood friend I really had and has kept me sane all of these years. She was a true blessing from God.
She would have been 14 on the 30th of this month too. I will always love her. I got her cremated and have her ashes now.

Lastly, just trying to learn this job and not having any idea about what is going on. I can't concentrate on anything and everything scares me and I am so jumpy and nothing "clicks" in my mind anymore... I can't grasp or retain anything and I am so confused all the time and feel like I am constantly fearful and just plain panicky. I feel like I am in a state of hyper vigilance. I feel like I am unraveling. I just wish I were dead some days. I really do.

Oh, and on the 1st of this month, I relapsed and got SUPER wasted and I SI'd REALLY bad. I hardly even remember hurting myself and do not even remember why I did it or what I was feeling. But it's all up my right thigh. Like 4, 10" long cuts. I also SI'd on my left wrist too.

I am so stupid.


__________________Update__________________

I went to T for the first time in like 2 months. She says I fit the criteria in the DSM-IV for PTSD. I was wondering... and she confirmed it. I just have felt so off. Very spacey, out of it, floaty, and far away very often. I dislike this. Sooooo jumpy and on edge.
*Sighs*
Now I am to go in to see my med doc. Time to tell her what I've been feeling and what Kim said about the PTSD symptoms. Also, I think I need different meds...
Will take hugs if anyone feels generous.
Blessings to you all! <3

St. Patty's Day Ordeal

***Hugs and comments please. Any kind or helpful words at all appreciated. Thank you all so much. Blessings. Sorry this is so long.***

So, I will start back from about a week ago and work my way up to present day.
Bear with me. Thanks for the support. I need it. Although I am no longer freaking out, I am still sad and hurt.

So, last Sunday I started getting really sick. It started out with a scratchy throat and itchy ears and then my sinuses started to hurt some.
Then a day later or so I started getting really achy and just all over sick. I was super dizzy and couldn't hear, my vision was blurry, I was nauseous and felt fuzzy in the head. Then I got congested to the point that I couldn't get any air movement through my nose and my chest started getting congested and it hurt some. Then I got a blister in the back of my throat and could hardly swallow. I felt so sick. I just couldn't do it any longer and gave in and went to the doctor on Thursday. They prescribed me a z-pack and prednisone. I HATE prednisone. It makes me so jumpy and anxious and jittery. They didn't do a culture, but the doctor said that based on my symptoms, he was pretty sure I had Group A beta hemolytic streptococcus. But I was looking at the signs and symptoms online and it didn't really account for my chest and nose congestion, just the nausea, aching, and sore throat/blisters. So, I was thinking I must have had a common cold along with this strep infection. But good thing is, I am feeling loads better. About 100% better now. Thanks be to God. I was very concerned because I had a trip planned to go to my friend's house and be with her and party a bit for St. Patty's Day weekend and I was scared I wouldn't be able to go, but I did. Thus brings us to the next part of my story...

I had been planning this outing with my friend for a couple of weeks now. My parents told me it was a bad idea. They told me I would get into trouble and that they had a bad feeling about it... But I just kept telling them that they were stupid and worry too much because they do and they always have 'a bad feeling' it seems... But, I only wish I hadn't been f*cking stupid and proved them right... God help me... I did bad things. Anyway, I'll get to that.

Saturday, my mom drove me up to my friend's house (which is about an 1.5-2 hours north of where I live) because for one, my car isn't dependable, and two, she wanted to visit my sister and aunt that live in this general area. I was a bit miffed that I couldn't drive myself but looking back, I think God blessed me because I had to end up calling my mom and aunt to come and save my ass...

So, at around 10 AM my mom drops me off at my friend’s house and I put my overnight bag in her house and I we paint our nails and decide what to do until 12 o’clock (when the St. Patty’s Day parade is supposed to start). We decide to go to Wal-Mart and buy green accessories and look snazzed up for the holiday. Then we go to the bank and then downtown to where the bars, and streets are filled with people drunk off their gourds… It looked super fun.

We park and start making our way to where we hear shouting and loud music and drunken people. (Some of which started at 6am, gross, I know). We go to a place called Mickey’s Irish Pub. It is a crazy party. Packed like sardines. We get green beer, and begin fraternizing with people. We find this little group of people and they kind of ‘adopt us’ into their little group. It was an older guy and a girl (they are married) and then with them was this other dude. We all got pretty good and tipsy and at about 2:30 or so my friend and I got into these people we had been hanging with’s car. They took us to (what I was soon to find out) a gay bar. It was interesting. Well, we were actually in and out of this gay bar and another bar as they were adjoined. So, we get to this bar and we start drinking. We are both sh*t faced drunk. I buy us shot sand we drink more beer. We can hardly stand up. (I feel awful admitting this but I made out with people. Girls and guys… I feel like a cheap wh*re… I am. It is what I am… I am a filthy rag.)

A little bit later, she and I go outside to smoke a cig with this the guy we were with (the lady’s husband). I turn around and she and this guy are gone. I FREAK the f*ck out. I throw the cig on the ground and run back in the bar and ask the lady we were with if she had seen her husband or my friend. She said she hadn’t seen either of them. I start crying and imagine the worst possible things happening to her. She is being r*ped, beaten, mugged, hurt somehow… I was wigging out and I tried calling my mom and dad and aunt and no one answered me… I was so scared I don’t even remember who it was, but I think it was the lady. She took me next door to the adjoining gay bar. There I saw my friend. She was fine. She was with that guy. She looked mad at me. I honestly do not remember what all was said, but the lady said she thought we better get home because we were too drunk. She gave us directions how to get back to Mickey's and then from there we were supposed to find our own way back to the car.

I admit, I was freaking out and looking back I wish I had of gone over to the adjoining bar by myself to look for her first before getting that lady to help me look. It’s just the only thing that was going through my mind was, “I need to find her. She is drunk and something bad might happen. I am drunk and I can’t help her. The more time I waste trying to find her, the further away she might get. I need to ask for help.” So, I did. Well, my friend was raving mad at me for doing this and said I was a sell out. She saw I was on the phone attempting to call someone and she flipped.

She said, "What the f*ck is this? Are you trying to call your f*cking mommy? Go ahead, call your mommy."
I don't remember what I replied exactly.

I honestly don't remember exactly word for word what was said but I do remember some of it. So, some of this may or may not be completely accurate, but rather just how I perceived it to be in my own experience of this ordeal.

Anyway, we begin walking and she is just being a total b*tch to me. I am beside myself. I am, at this point, feeling pretty sober compared to how I had been. The cold air and wind, all of the walking we had been doing, the adrenaline and fear of her possibly being hurt, and the ever present danger of getting arrested (as there were cops at every turn) sobered me up pretty damn fast lol. We continue to walk and she is ahead of me. I realize we are going the wrong way and I try to redirect her and she gets mad at me. I can't even talk to her. She said such hurtful things to me...

At this point, the only thing I want it to not be on the street. I do not want to get arrested for public intoxication. I have a nursing license to uphold and am in debt up to my ears and although I am unemployed at the moment, I still do not want to lose my license to practice. And I know public intox and being arrested will achieve just that... The LAST thing I want. So, obviously all I want to do is get back to her house and drink there and do what we had originally planned to do. I am thinking very rational now and have formulated in my mind steps at how to get back.
1) We need to lie low and avoid drawing any unnecessary attention that may alert cops.
2) We need to find a shelter of some sort to sober up in or call a cab back to her house and then just get her car in the morning.
3) We need to work together as a team and make this work.
4) We need to try as hard as we can to act sober and not draw attention to our state.

Keeping those rules in mind, I tried to calmly explain to her that she was going in the wrong direction of where the car was parked and that we had to turn around. She would have none of it and kept walking and cussing me out. I didn't want to follow her and become even more lost than I already was (did I mention I am not from here and have no idea what was right from left?). But truthfully, at this point, I could see a very large building that I remember parking by. It looked to be about a mile away or so and it was undoubtedly crawling with cops the whole way there. It would be a true task getting to the car unnoticed and at the rate we were going, she wasn't making it easy. We needed to work as a team and she would have none of it. So, I didn't want to follow her and lose sight of the building, but at the same time, she was so drunk and I was terrified of leaving her. If I didn't stay with her, she could easily get hurt or lost and I would never be able to forgive myself if that happened. On the other hand, I knew that the further I followed her, the more and more chance I had of getting picked up by the cops and becoming arrested and ruining any prospect of nursing career. But, she means the world to me and I chose her safety over my future.

I follow her. Every so often attempting to get her to just stop and listen to me and think logically about this. I explained that she was not making this easy and that we just needed to sit and sober up and think about this together and how to approach this. I was feeling pretty sober at this point. My words were slurring still and I was stumbling, but I could think rationally. She punches me in the arm and pushes me on the ground. I am shocked.

I say, "What the f*ck Sara?!!? Stop being a b*tch and listen. I am trying to f*cking help you and keep us safe and get us home and am risking getting arrested for you!"

She says, "Oh yes. You are so much better than me aren't you b*tch! Little miss go-and-call-your-mommy-to-rescue-you."

"That's not fair Sara. I don't want you to get hurt. I was scared that you were being r*ped or something. You do NOT want to be r*ped. It is horrible. I love you and care about you and just want to get back to your house safe and in one piece now please help me. You can be mad at me later, but right now we need to work together." I say.

She replies, (this is paraphrased) "Oh my gosh. I f*cking told you not to hang out with those guys while you were drinking and you did anyway. You got r*ped because of your own stupid fault. You are a filthy sl*t who asked for it. Dumb sl*t! And all of that sh*t you told me about your dad! I don't believe you. You are a liar. You lie about everything. You're disgusting and I hate you and never want to talk to you again. You are not welcome at my house anymore."

I am sobbing now. That was a low f*cking blow... I was shocked. I am not even sure how I responded to be honest... But I just kind of lost hope and began thinking about how right she was. I DO lie a lot. I make up things. I never made anything up about what I told her regarding my dad or r*pes though. I make up things in stories to make them sound better sometimes... I was just heartbroken. I risked all of my future on this c*nt who just pretty much told me how she truly felt... I was very VERY low...

Although she'd never admit it, I know that she meant what she said. At some level at least. I mean, she's told me similar things about my r*pes and my relationship with my dad when she was sober even!
I'll put them below inside of asterisks. These were said a long time ago mind you... and she was sober. So I know she means this deep down somewhat.

**When I told her how much I was struggling. It was only a few weeks after this particular r*pe too... She said, "It wasn't 'real r*pe' so you should really be over it already."

She said, "It kind of WAS your fault. You had been drinking and were kind of asking for it in a sesne."..........

When I told her about stuff my dad did to me (emotional incest and inappropriateness) She said, "I don't believe you. You are making that up. Yout dad wouldn't do that. I cannot believe you. You must be remembering it wrong. Are you sure he wasn't drunk when (if) he did it?"

My reply to her, "Yeah, he was drunk for multiple/consecutive years STRAIGHT and made sure to get me alone so he could 'talk and bond' with me." (even though I know he didn't do this with the intent to hurt me)...

Her reply, "Oh, well, then I don't know. I am sorry I guess." ..............
At least she said sorry. **

Now, continuing with what took place on Saturday... It was before the cops came....

She told me how worthless I was.

She said, "You must be a sh*tty nurse because you don't even have a f*cking job!"
I am stunned... yet again... she starts laughing as if the statement she just made was a hilarious concept.

Then she says, "You still live with your parents and don't have a job. You can't be a very good nurse. No one wants you!!!"
She laughs even more. Then calls me a sl*t again along with more obscenities.

I am crying. Not balwing, just tears rolling down my cheeks. Everything I secretly feel inside my soul that I am too ashamed to admit... She is validating for me... it hurt a
lot.

Right about now the cops pull up, and I think, "Great... I KNEW this would f*cking happen. She's called too much attention.

The cops ask us if we are alright.

I say, "Yes. We are just trying to get back to our car but I'm not from here and don't know which way is what."

He says, "Have you been drinking?"

I am not going to lie. I say, "Yes. We have been drinking. Can you call us a cab please?"

Sara, of course, chimes in with, "Oh she acts like she is so f*cking perfect. She is making me look like I am the only drunk one. She is drunk too. Stupid b*tch."

I say, "No, I know I have been drinking and I admit it. But I just want to get home. Please just cooperate with the officers and let's get home OK? I really do not want to get arrested. Just be cool Sara. Listen."
To which the cop replied, "I think you should listen to your friend here Sara."

Sara said, "Oh you do do you? Well, I don't really f*cking care. That b*tch thinks she is so much better than me. She is a f*cking sell out. She is a sl*t. SL*T! F*ck you guys."

The cop said, "Ma'am, you are this close to getting arrested. You have a really good friend here and frankly, I don't like your f*cking attitude. You better cut it out right now or you will be arrested."

Sara being gutsy as hell said, "Go ahead, arrest me. I don't f*cking care."

I am pleading at this point for her to just shut the f*ck up and for them to PLEASE not arrest her. I apologized for her so many times...
Eventually they listened to me and must have felt bad for me I don't know... But they called us a cab and then left.
Sara and I waited for a good ten minutes but then got antsy. At this point, we had somehow made a square and were fairly close to the car. So, she went ahead and I was so pissed and hurt at this point that I said whatever happens to you happens. Just f*cking go. I'll get a ride some other way. I back tracked and walked to a Salvation Army and called my mom and she and my aunt picked me up.

She had been on the phone for some of the time earlier and had overheard a lot of what Sara had said. My mom was pretty pissed off at her. I asked my mom to pick her up because I didn't want her to try driving and get hurt...

So, we did. We took her home... I went inside and got my sh*t and left and spent the night at my aunt's with my mom instead of with Sara... My day was now ruined. I was so bummed.

The thing is, even after she had said all of what she did and after physically assaulting me a number of times, I STILL risked everything and even PLEADED with the cops and risked that for her. I then went so far as picking her up. I am not trying to boast but I am a good friend. She can't say that I am not. I STILL love the b*tch even now. I just keep making excuses for her... I don't know why.

I can see how she would be upset at me. I can see how it would of looked like I was trying to make it look like I was sober and she was the drunk one. I was. But it wasn't to make her look bad, it was to save our asses. Someone had to be responsible and have their wits about them!!!

I am not sure when exactly this part took place but she punched and pushed me down and I twisted/bruised my ankle really bad and it is hard and was almost impossible to walk on. But I didn't have a choice. I had to walk back to Salvation Army. My head, behind my ear is scabbed up from being pushed into a pole. I am not sure how this happened because this was before we were fighting I thought. My right elbow is all scraped up. I am sore all over. And to make matters worse, I was already sore from roller skating the day before this. My tailbone and knees were black and blue already. So yeah, it was a shit day...

I got this text message from her Sunday morning when I woke up.

Her:
"I'm sorry for everything that happened yesterday we are so stupid why didn't we leave after one drink that was the plan.i didn't even get to see the parade. I was the driver though so that was my fault. I'm sorry I said mean things to u that I didn't mean that wasn't right I just got mad at u cause u kept acting like u werent that drunk and I was the drunk one and how u kept trying to make me look bad in front of everyone we came in contact with. We are better than that we aren't the friends that say horrible mean things to each other and sale each other out and trying to make each other look bad. Thank your mom for me for taking me home. There is one thing I realized last night is that I don't want to drink like that anymore its stupid and immature I wish yesterday would have never happened and I'm sorry if I ruined ur night. I love u"

Me:
"It was not just you. I know I was drunk. I even told the police I was drunk too. But I did not want to act drunk and get public intox and lose nursing license. It was really hard to act that sober. I just could not let us get arrested and I didn't want you walking around by yourself. I'm sorry too. We were freaking Stupid. We both willingly took part. It's both of us. But I think I need to take a break for awhile and think. So dumb. You are loved too. My mom said you're Welcome, she's just glad you and I are safe."

Her:
"Why did we even start walking anyways why didn't those two dumb ass ppl just drive us back to our car or call us a cab."

Me:
"Bcuz they didn't care about us and are more interested in having fun. They weren't caring about us."



Yeah, so that's about it. I know I forgot a lot of stuff... But, oh well, that's most of it.. I am still mad though the more time that passes and I think about what she said and did and how I STILL stuck by her side and risked everything I had and how close I came to getting arrested for her....

So, I know I am at fault, I know it. But can I have a hug or something? Thanks guys... Blessings and love to you all. ♥