I feel like I was a project. I feel like we were both projects, sister and I. My sister was more of my mom's deal and I was my dad's. Pitted against each other, in a way, and yet loving towards each other, in some ways. I won't get into details, hurts too much. But sister was loyal to mom and I was loyal to dad. Manipulation all our lives.
I remember the time when I was younger when I told you (sister) I hated you. You started to cry and beg to know why I said that. My heart crumbled and if memory serves me right I cried too, at least after awhile. The thing is, I think I was telling the truth, at least in that particular instant. But after I saw how it affected you my heard did crumble and I sobbed and said I didn't mean it. But what if I did?
I think I really did, at least a part of me did.
"Why?!?!" you kept demanding, wanting to know why I said that. You demanded I tell you, bawling, nose blubbering, heaving.
I really said I didn't know, I'm sorry, please forgive me.
But what if I did? What if I knew?
Even then I think I knew secrets, the lies, but believed them to be 100% infallible truth. But now I see the patterns, hidden in plain sight, yet I could not see them. For they conditioned me and sister. Sister was mom's and I was dad's. They both loved us dearly but hurt us also. And even then the love seemed narcisstic (at least looking back through adult eyes). Unfortunately sister is still fully brainwashed and believes them. She was the disabled one and thus coddled more (over protected, and held under a thumb).
I don't know what happened to other sister (if anything) as she was adult when I was born and married. But she had a different mom but same dad. And I only know what happened to first sister from what she's shared with me... Who knows...
All I do know is what happened to me and what I was told and what was done to me. I know Tosha was told stuff too but idk if it was like what dad told me. Like I said she was mom's, it seemed like anyway to me. Maybe the same thing happened to her except by a different parent. I just know she and I used to get in fight defending one parent against the other. She defending mom religiously and me defending dad because she was syaing bad things about him and I had to protect him and love him and take care of him and defend him and hide things for him. She didn't understand. No one did. No one does... Fuck I don't even understand.
It's weird though. I am finding it odd that I don't have too many memories of ages 4/5 - 8/9. I've never realized that before. I've always thought my memory is spot on and complete.
What I DO know I remember: first and second grade and kindergarten and honestly all of my school years even though they were really scary sometimes. I do know I remember getting a water baby for Christmas, my sister calling me 'Boo' (but maybe that's just because I saw her call me that in a whole movie that I watched, I'm not sure).
I remember hunting with my dad, well actually I don't, at least not when I was very young (before I could shoot as I was too small, so 6 and under) maybe a few hunting memories before the age of 8 or 9. But I do have proof dad and I did go hunting when I was small because there are photographs.
I remember some memories from 2 to 4 or 5 in the old house also.
This is making me feel off-kilter.
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Median System?
Never have I ever found something that I completely relate to! I just have been so confused because I feel like I'm not as "real" as other DID'ers since I don't:
•Present the same
•Lose full time
•Don't hear voices (but rather 'feel' them and have their thoughts leaked into me)
•Act as a type of 'filter' in which they act through me as it were
•Feel like a single person (kind of) but made up of several me's, in a way, but yet don't feel fully single
•Feel like I'm fighting with 'myself' but 'not myself' over many things (food, clothes, thoughts, desires, wants, needs, beliefs, etc.) have been called 'indecisive' and 'flaky' due to this but I'm really just battling internally!
•Feel like I am different ages at times and different "roles"
•Am very blended and fluid, not concrete and super formed others
I got this from a site that I linked below. The bottom portion was not written by me but is cited.
"Median - Being neither multiple nor singlet. Many people feel the idea of a continuum from singlethood to plurality to be inaccurate, so are seeking a term to replace mid-continuum.
"Median isn't sharing a common memory or the front having traits of its own or fronting through a body-based filter, that's just a common part of many multiple systems. Median is a fuzzy state between single and multiple, a single identity made up of multiple identities." -- lj-personasystem
Probably the main characteristic distinguishing medians from singlets and multiples is the presence of more than one person in the body, but without the independence of persons in a multiple system. Persons in a median system may be dependent upon a single individual (who may have created them at some point), and unable to exist without that central person. Some people in a hosting situation might think of themselves as median. Others describe something like Kiya's situation, or Adriel's. In her book Black Milk author Elif Shafak talks about her "finger women" (picturing them as tiny replicas of herself); each of them is Elif Shafak, but with distinctive styles and interests. The challenge is to coordinate them all so that all are respected and none is set aside or of lesser importance. She speaks of it as facing her "inner diversity" and learning to "be One."
You might say something like "there are many of us, but we are really all Karen" or "aspects of Karen", etc. Various metaphors have been invoked by median systems to describe their experience, such as a stem with leaves, the spokes of a wheel, pages in a book, or a sun orbited by planets. "Separate cutting tools on a turret lathe...the turret rotates to bring the appropriate tool to the task at hand...or perhaps a microscope with different lenses. Another friend "rotates the jewel" as she says, to showcase different facets."
(Beware: many therapists will tell members of multiple systems that they have no independent validity but are really all aspects of the frontrunner or host, or whomever he (the therapist) believes to be such. "You're really all Karen, you know." If you do not feel that this is true for your system, be true to your experience before taking a therapist's word for it -- he is, after all, outside your system, and very probably a singlet, one who has never experienced multiplicity and doesn't know much about what it can be like.)
People often mistakenly think they must refer to themselves as median or midcontinuum because:
the frontrunner(s) is/are aware of what's going on at all times. That may just mean there's good continuity and communication between the frontrunner(s) and the others.
their system or group wasn't trauma-created.
the people in the group did not originate with one mind which split or gave birth to other minds.
the group has no person who particularly identifies or is identified as a host or core.
the group has not been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder or dissociative identity disorder.
the group experiences being a gateway system, or experiences everyone in the group as fictives or as having come from outside, as walk-ins.
You might move between various states at different times of your life -- and accounts for groups who feel they are both median and multiple, or median and singlet, etc. (Blackbirds^Lucas & MaliK
[url="http://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/glossary.html#median"]http://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/glossary.html#median[/url]
•Present the same
•Lose full time
•Don't hear voices (but rather 'feel' them and have their thoughts leaked into me)
•Act as a type of 'filter' in which they act through me as it were
•Feel like a single person (kind of) but made up of several me's, in a way, but yet don't feel fully single
•Feel like I'm fighting with 'myself' but 'not myself' over many things (food, clothes, thoughts, desires, wants, needs, beliefs, etc.) have been called 'indecisive' and 'flaky' due to this but I'm really just battling internally!
•Feel like I am different ages at times and different "roles"
•Am very blended and fluid, not concrete and super formed others
I got this from a site that I linked below. The bottom portion was not written by me but is cited.
"Median - Being neither multiple nor singlet. Many people feel the idea of a continuum from singlethood to plurality to be inaccurate, so are seeking a term to replace mid-continuum.
"Median isn't sharing a common memory or the front having traits of its own or fronting through a body-based filter, that's just a common part of many multiple systems. Median is a fuzzy state between single and multiple, a single identity made up of multiple identities." -- lj-personasystem
Probably the main characteristic distinguishing medians from singlets and multiples is the presence of more than one person in the body, but without the independence of persons in a multiple system. Persons in a median system may be dependent upon a single individual (who may have created them at some point), and unable to exist without that central person. Some people in a hosting situation might think of themselves as median. Others describe something like Kiya's situation, or Adriel's. In her book Black Milk author Elif Shafak talks about her "finger women" (picturing them as tiny replicas of herself); each of them is Elif Shafak, but with distinctive styles and interests. The challenge is to coordinate them all so that all are respected and none is set aside or of lesser importance. She speaks of it as facing her "inner diversity" and learning to "be One."
You might say something like "there are many of us, but we are really all Karen" or "aspects of Karen", etc. Various metaphors have been invoked by median systems to describe their experience, such as a stem with leaves, the spokes of a wheel, pages in a book, or a sun orbited by planets. "Separate cutting tools on a turret lathe...the turret rotates to bring the appropriate tool to the task at hand...or perhaps a microscope with different lenses. Another friend "rotates the jewel" as she says, to showcase different facets."
(Beware: many therapists will tell members of multiple systems that they have no independent validity but are really all aspects of the frontrunner or host, or whomever he (the therapist) believes to be such. "You're really all Karen, you know." If you do not feel that this is true for your system, be true to your experience before taking a therapist's word for it -- he is, after all, outside your system, and very probably a singlet, one who has never experienced multiplicity and doesn't know much about what it can be like.)
People often mistakenly think they must refer to themselves as median or midcontinuum because:
the frontrunner(s) is/are aware of what's going on at all times. That may just mean there's good continuity and communication between the frontrunner(s) and the others.
their system or group wasn't trauma-created.
the people in the group did not originate with one mind which split or gave birth to other minds.
the group has no person who particularly identifies or is identified as a host or core.
the group has not been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder or dissociative identity disorder.
the group experiences being a gateway system, or experiences everyone in the group as fictives or as having come from outside, as walk-ins.
You might move between various states at different times of your life -- and accounts for groups who feel they are both median and multiple, or median and singlet, etc. (Blackbirds^Lucas & MaliK
[url="http://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/glossary.html#median"]http://www.astraeasweb.net/plural/glossary.html#median[/url]
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Healing Under a Canopy
**Healing Under a Canopy**
Stroll through the shaded wood I must;
Liniment for a marred soul.
In love with the seclusion it offers;
I yearn for the peace it brings.
Amble about in nature's song
I stroll along to such sounds:
Singing birds, dinky feet on Forest's floor, water-a-trickling.
Healing from a pain so deep
It threatens to crush my voice.
I rebel, fight back, scream, kick, cry.
I will not allow this.
You cannot have my soul.
My past will not destroy me!
Your 'control' is merely an illusion.
I am no longer a child.
For I see the light.
It's above me,
Filtering through the leaves.
It streaks my face with gold.
I feel its warmth on my skin.
This is the color of confidence.
I give myself the permission.
I can heal.
No one else can have
Me.
I smile.
I laugh.
I cry.
I'm filled with joy.
I am at peace.
Up ahead, I see a bridge.
I will cross it.
I will burn it down.
Stroll through the shaded wood I must;
Liniment for a marred soul.
In love with the seclusion it offers;
I yearn for the peace it brings.
Amble about in nature's song
I stroll along to such sounds:
Singing birds, dinky feet on Forest's floor, water-a-trickling.
Healing from a pain so deep
It threatens to crush my voice.
I rebel, fight back, scream, kick, cry.
I will not allow this.
You cannot have my soul.
My past will not destroy me!
Your 'control' is merely an illusion.
I am no longer a child.
For I see the light.
It's above me,
Filtering through the leaves.
It streaks my face with gold.
I feel its warmth on my skin.
This is the color of confidence.
I give myself the permission.
I can heal.
No one else can have
Me.
I smile.
I laugh.
I cry.
I'm filled with joy.
I am at peace.
Up ahead, I see a bridge.
I will cross it.
I will burn it down.
~Sadism~
~Sadism~
I love you.
Best friends.
Loyal companions.
Would have died
For you.
But you know
That don't you?
You created a
Loyal bitch.
All of you did.
And I am
Left with the
Confusion,
Pain,
Agony,
Self-hatred.
I've betrayed
YOU.
I've gone against
Everything I was
Taught.
Lay down your child
On the bed.
Naked, scared,
Excited!
Biting, pinching,
Pulling,
Killing,
Loving, laughing,
Raping.
Rape of the mind.
Is that real?
We love you so much.
No one understands
Us like you.
You're our doll.
Dolly Dimples she said.
But love was there.
Love and pain
Mixed creates
The most loyal of
Children and bitches.
Who am I?
What do I want?
I don't know.
Do you?
You made me daddy.
You liked my nakedness
Didn't you.
Throwing ice on it.
Grabbing and pulling
And pinching and
Striking and screaming
And laughing and
Blinding and sickening
And heaving and
Dying.
We love you.
We always have.
You were so
Good to us.
I love you.
Best friends.
Loyal companions.
Would have died
For you.
But you know
That don't you?
You created a
Loyal bitch.
All of you did.
And I am
Left with the
Confusion,
Pain,
Agony,
Self-hatred.
I've betrayed
YOU.
I've gone against
Everything I was
Taught.
Lay down your child
On the bed.
Naked, scared,
Excited!
Biting, pinching,
Pulling,
Killing,
Loving, laughing,
Raping.
Rape of the mind.
Is that real?
We love you so much.
No one understands
Us like you.
You're our doll.
Dolly Dimples she said.
But love was there.
Love and pain
Mixed creates
The most loyal of
Children and bitches.
Who am I?
What do I want?
I don't know.
Do you?
You made me daddy.
You liked my nakedness
Didn't you.
Throwing ice on it.
Grabbing and pulling
And pinching and
Striking and screaming
And laughing and
Blinding and sickening
And heaving and
Dying.
We love you.
We always have.
You were so
Good to us.
The Mind of Someone Else
***The Mind of Someone Else***
*Story Teller*
How does one explain this?
Can you open your eyes and see?
Bad things happen in this world;
Things that should never be.
So stop a moment to gather
The thoughts inside your head.
Step on a different path of life
Of Someone Else instead.
*Someone Else*
How can I explain this?
Can I help you see?
I once was a smaller form;
A child with a desperate plea.
Fear enveloped being,
Wrapped in others hate;
Creating inside myself:
Rage. Guilt. Shame.
I grew up despite this,
Thinking I was free.
Living day-to-day
Surviving in a dream.
An alternate reality
Where Others took my place
Allowing me to survive the pain.
This was a gift of grace.
*Someone Else: Internal World*
Foggy void, voices heard
Drifting in, no more words
Space and time unravel, unwind:
Sitting behind the Third.
But once inside, I look out
At a new world and I watch birds.
Beings that are beautiful and true
Distractions from the reality
Of forced agony with you
*Someone Else: The Change*
Now I feel I can explain it.
Finally, I can see!
No longer a small child
But a woman who can be free!
Freedom from guilt, shame, fear, and rage.
All of those are from yesterday.
And admittedly still, I feel the pain
But it doesn't have to control Me today.
I can live out my life untarnished
With my Guide, my Love, and my Light unharnessed.
*Story Teller*
How does one explain this?
Can you open your eyes and see?
Bad things happen in this world;
Things that should never be.
So stop a moment to gather
The thoughts inside your head.
Step on a different path of life
Of Someone Else instead.
*Someone Else*
How can I explain this?
Can I help you see?
I once was a smaller form;
A child with a desperate plea.
Fear enveloped being,
Wrapped in others hate;
Creating inside myself:
Rage. Guilt. Shame.
I grew up despite this,
Thinking I was free.
Living day-to-day
Surviving in a dream.
An alternate reality
Where Others took my place
Allowing me to survive the pain.
This was a gift of grace.
*Someone Else: Internal World*
Foggy void, voices heard
Drifting in, no more words
Space and time unravel, unwind:
Sitting behind the Third.
But once inside, I look out
At a new world and I watch birds.
Beings that are beautiful and true
Distractions from the reality
Of forced agony with you
*Someone Else: The Change*
Now I feel I can explain it.
Finally, I can see!
No longer a small child
But a woman who can be free!
Freedom from guilt, shame, fear, and rage.
All of those are from yesterday.
And admittedly still, I feel the pain
But it doesn't have to control Me today.
I can live out my life untarnished
With my Guide, my Love, and my Light unharnessed.
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
12/1/15 Journaling Part 2
So a few things I forgot, or chose to forget, from the earlier writing:
1) Rebecca mentioned again that what my dad did was indeed the word "torture" and that he was "sophisticated" in his approach.
2) What the fuck?!
3) Like did she really just say that?
4) Space/Time unravel
5) Is this really true? Is this possible?
6) Yes
7) I've always known, or at least had an inkling, but could never accept it
8) Now I'm staring it right in the fave and I'm scared shitless
9) Back in my body/mind I contemplate what she just said
10) He was maybe sophisticated in how he did things. I also received a word, "systematic abuse". Could it really be?
11) Possibly, but still am not sure. Not enough proof.
Okay, so that was more than a few things. I still have such a difficult time believing and understanding. If my dad was "sophisticated" as Rebecca said, then that would mean that he more than likely has some forethought with this - that would mean he actually planned this, maybe - how can that be true? But like I said, I don't have proof, or at least not enough.
Today I went and had a female exam due to the pain I've been having down there. Yuck! I detest them. They're uncomfortable to say the least. But I got through it. But it sparked something in me especially as I was driving home. I'm not sure what it was now but it had something to do with the clouds and the sky and the way it generally looks this time of year. And driving home I noticed the sky. Also it had something to do with a feeling or maybe some "flash" of something in my mind's eye, I can't be sure what though as once I "see" it and have that "ah ha" moment it's gone. But whatever it is it leaves me feeling very lost, scared, confused, angry, sad, and numb all at once.
But I do know I am having severe pelvic pain. It's worse than I let on. It sometimes hurts pretty fucking badly. Also sometimes it feels like (and I've never really admitted this but maybe have supposed it) it's ripping something inside and I feel pressure. Most of it is internal (as in my uterus/ovaries). But today I distinctly felt something in my vagina and the outside of my genitals hurt also as did my rectum. This is so fucked up. It's so painful. The internal pain very well could be an ovarian cyst, but the external/genital pain? That's never happened before when I've had ovarian cysts. And when I say genital pain, I don't mean like a burning pain. It feels like my pubic bone is aching severely and like it hurts as if something is pushing really hard against it.
I also feel like I have this knowing feeling inside when I'm getting these pains - but I cannot say that out loud, at least not without causing extensive turmoil in the System.
1) Rebecca mentioned again that what my dad did was indeed the word "torture" and that he was "sophisticated" in his approach.
2) What the fuck?!
3) Like did she really just say that?
4) Space/Time unravel
5) Is this really true? Is this possible?
6) Yes
7) I've always known, or at least had an inkling, but could never accept it
8) Now I'm staring it right in the fave and I'm scared shitless
9) Back in my body/mind I contemplate what she just said
10) He was maybe sophisticated in how he did things. I also received a word, "systematic abuse". Could it really be?
11) Possibly, but still am not sure. Not enough proof.
Okay, so that was more than a few things. I still have such a difficult time believing and understanding. If my dad was "sophisticated" as Rebecca said, then that would mean that he more than likely has some forethought with this - that would mean he actually planned this, maybe - how can that be true? But like I said, I don't have proof, or at least not enough.
Today I went and had a female exam due to the pain I've been having down there. Yuck! I detest them. They're uncomfortable to say the least. But I got through it. But it sparked something in me especially as I was driving home. I'm not sure what it was now but it had something to do with the clouds and the sky and the way it generally looks this time of year. And driving home I noticed the sky. Also it had something to do with a feeling or maybe some "flash" of something in my mind's eye, I can't be sure what though as once I "see" it and have that "ah ha" moment it's gone. But whatever it is it leaves me feeling very lost, scared, confused, angry, sad, and numb all at once.
But I do know I am having severe pelvic pain. It's worse than I let on. It sometimes hurts pretty fucking badly. Also sometimes it feels like (and I've never really admitted this but maybe have supposed it) it's ripping something inside and I feel pressure. Most of it is internal (as in my uterus/ovaries). But today I distinctly felt something in my vagina and the outside of my genitals hurt also as did my rectum. This is so fucked up. It's so painful. The internal pain very well could be an ovarian cyst, but the external/genital pain? That's never happened before when I've had ovarian cysts. And when I say genital pain, I don't mean like a burning pain. It feels like my pubic bone is aching severely and like it hurts as if something is pushing really hard against it.
I also feel like I have this knowing feeling inside when I'm getting these pains - but I cannot say that out loud, at least not without causing extensive turmoil in the System.
12/1/15 Journaling Part 1
12/1/15
Read Rebecca 2 poems, and the long entry in our journal. She looked very sad while I read it to her. While I was reading it I got more weird feelings like I wanted to cry but I couldn't and like I started to feel like I was going to start floating away. I told her as much.
We talked about a lot of stuff and I explained to her the dynamics of my parents' relationship (upon her request) and it was different because that's not usually something I like to talk about or think about it look at as it causes too much pain and too many memories.
It was just a very traumatic part of my whole childhood. In fact, I find it easier to talk about the bad things dad did to me than I do about the dynamics of my family. So much pain is associated with that.
Not sure I want to look at it but Rebecca says it's important to look at the dynamics to understand. She asked me what my mother's role was in the abuse. And I just stared at her unable to understand why she asked that.
Then she said, "Because you know she played her part too."
I guess she did but I feel that's because I was so bad.
I told her about the dynamics between my dad and mom and between my mom and sister Julie (but didn't mention Tosha) as that would have been too much to bear, it already was bad enough. It was a very messed up dysfunctional situation. It was a very angry and spiteful environment.
I told her about the mean things mom would do to me because of the hate she had for my dad and I. She would purposefully hurt me because she was angry at me and she would laugh, or at least have a very pleased look on her face like she was happy she as causing me such pain. And I loved her and I hated her. And I won't go into details, even in writing, because it's just too fucking painful. I did it in person with Rebecca and that was bad enough and almost caused full dissociation.
Rebecca used the words "pedophilia" and "incest" in reference to things our dad did to us. Can't associate those words with my/our experiences.
Just now I saw a field in my mind and it's a very dark and scary place. Don't know what it means. Need to stop. Pain.
11/27/15 Journaling
Going to be a long entry...
Last time we had T we read her all of new stuff in journal. She said some things that rocked us to our core. C.C. was scared, Rage was angry and just was feeling bad inside with what she said. Will get to that shortly. But first...
She said she thinks that she met someone else because she/I (but not really I) talked to Rebecca (T). It honestly felt like me but Rebecca said she noticed our body changed a bit and the way we talked was like a teenager, somewhere between 13-15 or so. Got the name Chantel. Rebecca said we were talking hyper teenager. When she said that it "clicked", I told her I have been SUPER hyper the last couple weeks off and on like someone turns on a switch, and then I'll just "be me" again. It's really out of character for me as I haven't been that hyper since I was a teenager.
Then all the sudden that stopped and Rebecca said, "Now you seem more like yourself. You are talking like a mature 24 year old, not a young tween/teen."
I said, "Really? It was me though. I mean I was talking to you. I remember it."
"Yes" she said, "But your voice and vocabulary changed as did your posture and tone of voice."
I did feel different though now that I think about it. My mood changed quite a bit as did my choice of words and style. That happens all the time actually I just never noticed it. I never knew what it was. I always just thought it was me being moody or flaky or indecisive. I told her as much. I also told her about the unexplained bruising we've been having (some of which look like finger prints on our thighs and arms). She said she doesn't think we're "just clumsy". She said she thinks it's psychosomatic bruising as the mind is powerful. She also said she doesn't think I'm "just indecisive" she thinks it's because I have others influencing what I want/need. That's why I can never make up my mind or make decisions, because of the Other's. This has never occurred to me. Wow...
Now to the thing she said that shook us... Hate rehashing and admitting this but... We told Rebecca this:
"Dad used to put his finger and hands so close to our vagina he was practically touching it (maybe he even did by brushing it lightly but made it look like accident) but instead of molesting us (that we know of) he would take our femoral tendon and pull it out and squeeze it. We'd try not to scream as it was a searing nerve shock pain that went through our whole body but would actually end up laughing hysterically and screaming at the same time as it had this intense tickling sensation. It be some of the the worst pain imaginable. He would do the same thing to the tendons in our elbows, wrists, hands, neck, ankles, behind our knees, and so forth. It caused our vision to blur and we would collapse unable to move or do anything due to the pain. It literally felt like a shock going through our whole body all at once. Not an electrical shock but a nervous system shock as he also focused on nerve bundles in the same areas as they are all closely connected.
He would take a towel and tell us to stick out our tongue (which we would do willingly because we were stupid and liked being hurt) and then he would put the towel around the tongue and pull. TERRIBLE pain, we'd scream! It felt like our tongue was ripping away an right out of our mouth. Can't describe the ripping pain. Plus he'd squeeze it really hard. Poor tongue... He would laugh and just keep pulling. We would follow him around the house and not fight for fear of it ripping out of our head.
He'd pour ice water pitchers on us while we were in bath or taking showers alone or with mom (which is another weird thing) and we'd be so embarrassed as we'd be naked and the water was so cold it felt like our heart would jump m/stop and it would cause such bad headaches due to ice being poured over head/body.
He'd bend our wrists until the palm of our hand touched the inside of our arm, or close to it. Hyperextension maybe? It was horrendous pain. Oh the pain and popping sounds... We think that's why we have such joint problems now as an adult. Just thinking about this is causing severe wrist pain.
Beltings with lots of yelling and fear and threats from him. And gasping and crawling around and wind knocked out for me/us until we'd pass out/black out/"go away". Oh gosh that pain was the worst. I seem to keep thinking it's all "the worst". I'm such a big baby.
He would pinch our nipples (I think?) or at the very least he chased us around the house while we were both naked and clothed chanting, "boobies, boobies, boobies" and making like he was going to catch us and pinch them. I think he even did maybe but not sure.
He would hold us down and rub his knuckles into our sternum. In the medical field this is called a "sternal rub" and is used to attempt to test the level of consciousness in a comatose/overdosed patient as it is excruciatingly painful. He would do this to me but I'd be awake and was just a small child. It was so painful. And he would Lin out down and do it.
One thing that was terrible and I think caused quite a bit of dissociation was tickle torture. He would instruct me to lay down and I would or he would lay us on the bed and would spread us out like a star fish and use his fingers and mouth and whiskers. He would tickle our body head to toe, we were not sposed ta react atall or else it wood get worse n last longer and be more painful/intense. We had to go inside our head and find "zombie state"/"be dead".
I never knew what to call the feeling he gave off but I think (looking back now) it's safe to say it was sexual excitement. Ugh. I never knew what to call the feeling I received from it but I think it was sexual excitement for me too. I craved this feeling and liked it. It was sensual, like a lover caressing another lover's body with their tongue. I would try not to writhe. God what the fuck was wrong with me?!?! How sick was I!!!! What a tainted dirty child! He created that! I had to be completely "dead" and not react at all... He created a rag doll. The smile on his face an look in his eyes staring back at mines...
Sometimes he wood mix pain and pleasure and love. Nerve shock, tickles, severe mind numbing pain whilst telling me/us, "I love you so much." "You're daddy's girl." "No one understands or loves me like you do." "You can never leave me." "I'll die without you." "You're my other half." etc...
He would push his fingers inside our muscles in between tendons and I think (as this is what it felt like) would try and "separate" them from the bones. Usually he'd do this along with the tendon pulling.
After telling Rebecca this she said, "You probably don't want to hear this but that's t*rture. That's sadism."
For real?!?!? Like "real t*rture?" Shook us to our core!
Daddy loves us. He was nice and loved us and wanted the best for us. So confused wants to cut body. C.C. is sad and wants to die and hate hate hate. Wants to hide and love dad all up because that's our purpose.
They'd (his family) would ask us/tell us, "Is daddy being taken care of C.C.?" "You know he need you to protect him from your mommy, she is a bad woman." "Is he happy? You need to make him feel good and happy." "Don't you love him?"
~Should have stopped crying, daddy wouldn't have belted you so bad stupid girl.~
Can't believe Rebecca said that... It wasn't that bad was it? Boyfriend said daddy might have done it on purpose to train us/pr*gram us. But he wasn't smart enough for that. Couldn't be... Not possible.
And now we didn't give mommy or daddy Thanksgiving hugs because we were confused and mad at them and it hurt them greatly. They don't deserve such bad treatment. They love us so much. :(
Today we was lookin out windo n saw clouds n thought of a memry n then it was gone but feelin n image was dark n bad. What we was memberin we don't know.
Uh oh remembered more... He used to pull our fingers and toes by pulling them apart in a downward motion and away from each other (if that makes sense) and it felt like out skin (webbing between fingers) would rip. He laughed this scary sounding laugh that gave us bad feeluns. It had this scary and excited and perverted sound to it. The more we struggled the more excited he got an the more ruffer he'd get with us. And the more begging we'd have to do for him to stop. But that really just made him want to do it all the more. Until mom would intervene and she'd rescue us by getting him to stop. Then we'd yell at momma for being mean to daddy and tell her we hated her even tho I spose she rescued us and we'd scream that daddy loved us. Then we'd run to our room and cry and hurt ourself because we were bad. Then daddy would yell at us for being mean to mommy but we were confused cuz we was sposed to be mean to mommy but she couldn't know that. It would give daddy and his family away and we had to protect and love. It was our secret. I would have died for that secret, was 2 important. I remember the day I told Joy (an old T when I was 16) what dad was doing, cept we only told her like 1% and she told our mom and that was the day mom said to forget it all and also the day we betrayed dad.
And now we be crying because we miss Lucy... Lucy was our dog. Got her for our 8th birthday. She was our best and only friend since we was secluded from others a lot of time, except for school where it wasn't much better in fact it was also very abusive (RA). The thing is, I hurt Lucy. We all did. We did mean things to her and made her Yelp... Dad taught us and it was just like our games daddy played with us. Except I wasn't half as mean as dad because I really didna wanna hurt her. But at the same time I did. He taught me that. I loved her. But still I did hurt her. But she was always loving and loyal. We think she knew we were trained and taught, coerced to make dad happy. We learned those things he did to us were games and we did them back. Doesn't make us any less evil and twisted. We hate ourselfs. I liked it when daddy hurt me and even asked him to hurt me. I liked it (kind of) when I hurt her even though she'd look at me like, "Please stop." She loved me anyway I didn't deserve her kindness. But I think she was an angel. I deserve to rot in h*ll because of my sin and evilness. At least some of us feel this way. I've apologized to Lucy and told her how sorry I am. I would die if I could hold her one last time and tell her how much she meant to me and kiss her face and paws. I hate myself for what I did to her. And mad at dad for telling us to do it and for teaching us to feel joy out of inflicting pain and confusin pain with love... How convoluted!!! Please forgive me Lucy my only friend.
Can't forget about another Other. Vixen, is her name. I know as she told me via thought transfer. Her voice sounds so sensual and moanish and cat-like and sexual. Or maybe snake-like? I am not sure. She wants to be used and hurt and wants to please at all costs. She is so strong. I don't know how to deal with her when she wants out. I have to fight hard to keep control.
Am realizing tho that dad did love me and when I was sick he'd comfort me and hold me and love me and many many memories are love-filled and perfect. We'd have such fun and genuine good times. I almost wish he'd have always been mean and bad to me/us as I wouldn't be so confused... I feel so loyal as he was always keeping me guessing plus I have love and pain and sex and so many things all twisted together. Am I terrible for wishing he'd always been mean? Just feel it would have been easier without all the conflicting and confusing messages.
Was what he did really t*rture? Did he pr*gram us like T and bf said?
I can maybe answer that. Or at least bf did for us. He looked us this definition: T*rture: noun, "the action or practice of inflicting severe pain on someone as a punishment or to force them to do or say something, or for the pleasure of the person inflicting the pain." If I look at it like that it seems true... But it just can't be...
Gosh I'm so bad and evil...
Last time we had T we read her all of new stuff in journal. She said some things that rocked us to our core. C.C. was scared, Rage was angry and just was feeling bad inside with what she said. Will get to that shortly. But first...
She said she thinks that she met someone else because she/I (but not really I) talked to Rebecca (T). It honestly felt like me but Rebecca said she noticed our body changed a bit and the way we talked was like a teenager, somewhere between 13-15 or so. Got the name Chantel. Rebecca said we were talking hyper teenager. When she said that it "clicked", I told her I have been SUPER hyper the last couple weeks off and on like someone turns on a switch, and then I'll just "be me" again. It's really out of character for me as I haven't been that hyper since I was a teenager.
Then all the sudden that stopped and Rebecca said, "Now you seem more like yourself. You are talking like a mature 24 year old, not a young tween/teen."
I said, "Really? It was me though. I mean I was talking to you. I remember it."
"Yes" she said, "But your voice and vocabulary changed as did your posture and tone of voice."
I did feel different though now that I think about it. My mood changed quite a bit as did my choice of words and style. That happens all the time actually I just never noticed it. I never knew what it was. I always just thought it was me being moody or flaky or indecisive. I told her as much. I also told her about the unexplained bruising we've been having (some of which look like finger prints on our thighs and arms). She said she doesn't think we're "just clumsy". She said she thinks it's psychosomatic bruising as the mind is powerful. She also said she doesn't think I'm "just indecisive" she thinks it's because I have others influencing what I want/need. That's why I can never make up my mind or make decisions, because of the Other's. This has never occurred to me. Wow...
Now to the thing she said that shook us... Hate rehashing and admitting this but... We told Rebecca this:
"Dad used to put his finger and hands so close to our vagina he was practically touching it (maybe he even did by brushing it lightly but made it look like accident) but instead of molesting us (that we know of) he would take our femoral tendon and pull it out and squeeze it. We'd try not to scream as it was a searing nerve shock pain that went through our whole body but would actually end up laughing hysterically and screaming at the same time as it had this intense tickling sensation. It be some of the the worst pain imaginable. He would do the same thing to the tendons in our elbows, wrists, hands, neck, ankles, behind our knees, and so forth. It caused our vision to blur and we would collapse unable to move or do anything due to the pain. It literally felt like a shock going through our whole body all at once. Not an electrical shock but a nervous system shock as he also focused on nerve bundles in the same areas as they are all closely connected.
He would take a towel and tell us to stick out our tongue (which we would do willingly because we were stupid and liked being hurt) and then he would put the towel around the tongue and pull. TERRIBLE pain, we'd scream! It felt like our tongue was ripping away an right out of our mouth. Can't describe the ripping pain. Plus he'd squeeze it really hard. Poor tongue... He would laugh and just keep pulling. We would follow him around the house and not fight for fear of it ripping out of our head.
He'd pour ice water pitchers on us while we were in bath or taking showers alone or with mom (which is another weird thing) and we'd be so embarrassed as we'd be naked and the water was so cold it felt like our heart would jump m/stop and it would cause such bad headaches due to ice being poured over head/body.
He'd bend our wrists until the palm of our hand touched the inside of our arm, or close to it. Hyperextension maybe? It was horrendous pain. Oh the pain and popping sounds... We think that's why we have such joint problems now as an adult. Just thinking about this is causing severe wrist pain.
Beltings with lots of yelling and fear and threats from him. And gasping and crawling around and wind knocked out for me/us until we'd pass out/black out/"go away". Oh gosh that pain was the worst. I seem to keep thinking it's all "the worst". I'm such a big baby.
He would pinch our nipples (I think?) or at the very least he chased us around the house while we were both naked and clothed chanting, "boobies, boobies, boobies" and making like he was going to catch us and pinch them. I think he even did maybe but not sure.
He would hold us down and rub his knuckles into our sternum. In the medical field this is called a "sternal rub" and is used to attempt to test the level of consciousness in a comatose/overdosed patient as it is excruciatingly painful. He would do this to me but I'd be awake and was just a small child. It was so painful. And he would Lin out down and do it.
One thing that was terrible and I think caused quite a bit of dissociation was tickle torture. He would instruct me to lay down and I would or he would lay us on the bed and would spread us out like a star fish and use his fingers and mouth and whiskers. He would tickle our body head to toe, we were not sposed ta react atall or else it wood get worse n last longer and be more painful/intense. We had to go inside our head and find "zombie state"/"be dead".
I never knew what to call the feeling he gave off but I think (looking back now) it's safe to say it was sexual excitement. Ugh. I never knew what to call the feeling I received from it but I think it was sexual excitement for me too. I craved this feeling and liked it. It was sensual, like a lover caressing another lover's body with their tongue. I would try not to writhe. God what the fuck was wrong with me?!?! How sick was I!!!! What a tainted dirty child! He created that! I had to be completely "dead" and not react at all... He created a rag doll. The smile on his face an look in his eyes staring back at mines...
Sometimes he wood mix pain and pleasure and love. Nerve shock, tickles, severe mind numbing pain whilst telling me/us, "I love you so much." "You're daddy's girl." "No one understands or loves me like you do." "You can never leave me." "I'll die without you." "You're my other half." etc...
He would push his fingers inside our muscles in between tendons and I think (as this is what it felt like) would try and "separate" them from the bones. Usually he'd do this along with the tendon pulling.
After telling Rebecca this she said, "You probably don't want to hear this but that's t*rture. That's sadism."
For real?!?!? Like "real t*rture?" Shook us to our core!
Daddy loves us. He was nice and loved us and wanted the best for us. So confused wants to cut body. C.C. is sad and wants to die and hate hate hate. Wants to hide and love dad all up because that's our purpose.
They'd (his family) would ask us/tell us, "Is daddy being taken care of C.C.?" "You know he need you to protect him from your mommy, she is a bad woman." "Is he happy? You need to make him feel good and happy." "Don't you love him?"
~Should have stopped crying, daddy wouldn't have belted you so bad stupid girl.~
Can't believe Rebecca said that... It wasn't that bad was it? Boyfriend said daddy might have done it on purpose to train us/pr*gram us. But he wasn't smart enough for that. Couldn't be... Not possible.
And now we didn't give mommy or daddy Thanksgiving hugs because we were confused and mad at them and it hurt them greatly. They don't deserve such bad treatment. They love us so much. :(
Today we was lookin out windo n saw clouds n thought of a memry n then it was gone but feelin n image was dark n bad. What we was memberin we don't know.
Uh oh remembered more... He used to pull our fingers and toes by pulling them apart in a downward motion and away from each other (if that makes sense) and it felt like out skin (webbing between fingers) would rip. He laughed this scary sounding laugh that gave us bad feeluns. It had this scary and excited and perverted sound to it. The more we struggled the more excited he got an the more ruffer he'd get with us. And the more begging we'd have to do for him to stop. But that really just made him want to do it all the more. Until mom would intervene and she'd rescue us by getting him to stop. Then we'd yell at momma for being mean to daddy and tell her we hated her even tho I spose she rescued us and we'd scream that daddy loved us. Then we'd run to our room and cry and hurt ourself because we were bad. Then daddy would yell at us for being mean to mommy but we were confused cuz we was sposed to be mean to mommy but she couldn't know that. It would give daddy and his family away and we had to protect and love. It was our secret. I would have died for that secret, was 2 important. I remember the day I told Joy (an old T when I was 16) what dad was doing, cept we only told her like 1% and she told our mom and that was the day mom said to forget it all and also the day we betrayed dad.
And now we be crying because we miss Lucy... Lucy was our dog. Got her for our 8th birthday. She was our best and only friend since we was secluded from others a lot of time, except for school where it wasn't much better in fact it was also very abusive (RA). The thing is, I hurt Lucy. We all did. We did mean things to her and made her Yelp... Dad taught us and it was just like our games daddy played with us. Except I wasn't half as mean as dad because I really didna wanna hurt her. But at the same time I did. He taught me that. I loved her. But still I did hurt her. But she was always loving and loyal. We think she knew we were trained and taught, coerced to make dad happy. We learned those things he did to us were games and we did them back. Doesn't make us any less evil and twisted. We hate ourselfs. I liked it when daddy hurt me and even asked him to hurt me. I liked it (kind of) when I hurt her even though she'd look at me like, "Please stop." She loved me anyway I didn't deserve her kindness. But I think she was an angel. I deserve to rot in h*ll because of my sin and evilness. At least some of us feel this way. I've apologized to Lucy and told her how sorry I am. I would die if I could hold her one last time and tell her how much she meant to me and kiss her face and paws. I hate myself for what I did to her. And mad at dad for telling us to do it and for teaching us to feel joy out of inflicting pain and confusin pain with love... How convoluted!!! Please forgive me Lucy my only friend.
Can't forget about another Other. Vixen, is her name. I know as she told me via thought transfer. Her voice sounds so sensual and moanish and cat-like and sexual. Or maybe snake-like? I am not sure. She wants to be used and hurt and wants to please at all costs. She is so strong. I don't know how to deal with her when she wants out. I have to fight hard to keep control.
Am realizing tho that dad did love me and when I was sick he'd comfort me and hold me and love me and many many memories are love-filled and perfect. We'd have such fun and genuine good times. I almost wish he'd have always been mean and bad to me/us as I wouldn't be so confused... I feel so loyal as he was always keeping me guessing plus I have love and pain and sex and so many things all twisted together. Am I terrible for wishing he'd always been mean? Just feel it would have been easier without all the conflicting and confusing messages.
Was what he did really t*rture? Did he pr*gram us like T and bf said?
I can maybe answer that. Or at least bf did for us. He looked us this definition: T*rture: noun, "the action or practice of inflicting severe pain on someone as a punishment or to force them to do or say something, or for the pleasure of the person inflicting the pain." If I look at it like that it seems true... But it just can't be...
Gosh I'm so bad and evil...
11/18/15 Journaling
11/18/15
Talked to Scott (boyfriend). Can't seem to get over my feelings. A lot of things seem to point toward CSA but like I've always said I have no memories of. But so many things add up. For instance my compulsion to or need to defend my dad for everything, especially when CSA is mentioned. Also the shameful and almost constant childhood masturbation. It was a dirty and secretive and shameful compulsion and need. I would hide. I also drew a very poorly drawn penis phone of my favorite baby dolls and rubbed it. I was a small child. How would I know to rub it?? Then feeling intense shame and disgust and attempting to wash it off and then trying to dispose of the doll by burying it under other toys so I didn't have to look at its terribleness. I also when I was mid-childhood tried to touch my daddy's penis and he told me it wasn't how daddy's and daughters touched. The thing is my boyfriend seems to think (and I do too, maybe) that he stopped acting on it before I was able to form memories. But it's all just speculations and feelings I have and shame and dirtiness inside. Also when I was in kindergarten I asked a boy my age (5) to go into bathroom with me and then told him to take his bottoms off and I did the same. I wanted to touch him and even tried but he didn't want me to. I knew it was dirty and wrong but needed to do it and was confused why he didn't want me to but also understood why. SHAME. DIRTY. BAD GIRL. I felt that way. And the masturbation was with blankets that I would roll up and stuff them in my panties (hate that word) and woulD keep them in my panties all day to simulate having a penis and would rub at it and roll on it until I came. I did it sometimes 7 times or more in a day every day from as far back as I can remember. And it was not for childhood curiosity it was shame and dirty. Ugh. Can feel it now. Kind of. I would also self-injure as a very small child. And would also focus on my genitals during these SI rituals. Sorry for sharing so much.
Support and insight and opinions very much needed. Feeling very vulnerable.
Talked to Scott (boyfriend). Can't seem to get over my feelings. A lot of things seem to point toward CSA but like I've always said I have no memories of. But so many things add up. For instance my compulsion to or need to defend my dad for everything, especially when CSA is mentioned. Also the shameful and almost constant childhood masturbation. It was a dirty and secretive and shameful compulsion and need. I would hide. I also drew a very poorly drawn penis phone of my favorite baby dolls and rubbed it. I was a small child. How would I know to rub it?? Then feeling intense shame and disgust and attempting to wash it off and then trying to dispose of the doll by burying it under other toys so I didn't have to look at its terribleness. I also when I was mid-childhood tried to touch my daddy's penis and he told me it wasn't how daddy's and daughters touched. The thing is my boyfriend seems to think (and I do too, maybe) that he stopped acting on it before I was able to form memories. But it's all just speculations and feelings I have and shame and dirtiness inside. Also when I was in kindergarten I asked a boy my age (5) to go into bathroom with me and then told him to take his bottoms off and I did the same. I wanted to touch him and even tried but he didn't want me to. I knew it was dirty and wrong but needed to do it and was confused why he didn't want me to but also understood why. SHAME. DIRTY. BAD GIRL. I felt that way. And the masturbation was with blankets that I would roll up and stuff them in my panties (hate that word) and woulD keep them in my panties all day to simulate having a penis and would rub at it and roll on it until I came. I did it sometimes 7 times or more in a day every day from as far back as I can remember. And it was not for childhood curiosity it was shame and dirty. Ugh. Can feel it now. Kind of. I would also self-injure as a very small child. And would also focus on my genitals during these SI rituals. Sorry for sharing so much.
Support and insight and opinions very much needed. Feeling very vulnerable.
11/17/15 Journaling
11/17/15
"I guess I have come to the conclusion that I may never have tbe answers I feel I need and deserve. I want to scream and cry but I feel morning at all when I think about this one memory in particular. I only feel numbness - like I'm reading a terrible story of someone else but feel no attachment to it. Logically I know I was that little girl but it feels so unreal, no emotions - daddy's concrete angel.
Purple Pajamas.
This one specific "snapshot memory" (or set of 3-5 snapshots) takes place in our old house when, I think, I was at a pre-verbal age due to the fact that I was unable to talk. But I can't determine if this is due to the fact that I/she was frozen with terror, in excruciating pain, or due to not learning how to speak yet. Whatever the reason, this memory persists. I can remember feels and possibly thoughts but thoughts that have no words which is what makes me think I was very young. I remember from this memory severe terror, pain, fear, dread, and confusion. But I can't actually feel these things and can't for the life of me feel much to any connection to this child.
"I guess I have come to the conclusion that I may never have tbe answers I feel I need and deserve. I want to scream and cry but I feel morning at all when I think about this one memory in particular. I only feel numbness - like I'm reading a terrible story of someone else but feel no attachment to it. Logically I know I was that little girl but it feels so unreal, no emotions - daddy's concrete angel.
Purple Pajamas.
This one specific "snapshot memory" (or set of 3-5 snapshots) takes place in our old house when, I think, I was at a pre-verbal age due to the fact that I was unable to talk. But I can't determine if this is due to the fact that I/she was frozen with terror, in excruciating pain, or due to not learning how to speak yet. Whatever the reason, this memory persists. I can remember feels and possibly thoughts but thoughts that have no words which is what makes me think I was very young. I remember from this memory severe terror, pain, fear, dread, and confusion. But I can't actually feel these things and can't for the life of me feel much to any connection to this child.
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