What's Been Coming Through

For a while in my life the last few years, off and on, there was some beautiful moments of repose. The last of which was several months ago. Don't get me wrong, I have always been struggling, but it was at least do-able. I actually thought I was starting to 'get over' this stuff. I guess it was just wishful thinking.

Or maybe it was just me thinking, "Wow. Can it really be this easy? Is it finally over?!"

But then the answer to that question came pounding hard on the door of my brain... The answer I was so hoping would never come to me... I find myself thinking, "Why did I even ask that?! Did I jinx myself?"

But in all actuality, I know that it was never over. I just had some periods where it didn't hurt as bad. I am not sure of the reasons. I guess they don't really even matter really. All I know is that I can't keep hiding with my head in the sand. I have to face this pain. I have to face reality:

I. WAS. R*PED (as an adult and teen countless times). I WAS ABUSED AND TORTURED EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY (as a child).

I have a feeling that I was even hurt in ways I may not be aware of. I have reasons for this... I do.
I have been becoming more aware of things and they point to a possible truth. I can't be sure yet, so I won't say 'yes' or 'no' to the question, "Did this happen to me?" or "Was I abused as a young child and just blanked it out?" or "Was there sexual abuse in my childhood?"
Perhaps I'll never know the answer to this, I don't know...

What I DO know however is the things I have been experiencing.

But before getting into that, I feel I should explain some other things first. I met this guy. I love him. We are living together and looking for somewhere to move. I am happy with him. He treats me with respect and loves me for who I am. I didn't know guys were this kind to women.

He is able to make connections with the spirit world. He is able to obtain higher levels of consciousness. I too have done this throughout my life but not to the extent that he has. He has been trying to help me heal by methods of metaphysics and meditation. He is able to hear and talk to my subconscious. He talks to C.C. (a child part). He says things have happened to her. I of course cannot believe this as 100% true because I haven't experienced that. He has even told me that he is not going to tell me what did or did not happen. He can suggest things and tell me what C.C. said (with her permission I would hope) but he wants me to come to the conclusions myself. It may take years... And that thought terrifies me.

Now for the things I have been experiencing that cause me to question my childhood experiences...

• Random body pains that seem to come out of no where (wrist pain, ankle pain, long bones, joints, v*gina, an*s, and other things like that)

• INTENSE emotions that come out of no where (or at least seem to): the worst of these are the guilt, shame, and anger

• The anger is more of a seething and it is so overpowering, all I can do sometimes is pace around and grunt like an animal. When this happens I want to hurt myself REALLY badly. I want to kill myself, I want to not eat. I want to do anything that will punish me for the feelings I am having. And I want to hurt myself for the guilt and shame I feel. I usually feel all these things at the same time and cycle back and forth, It's so unbearable. And I wish I could verbalize to him how truly unbearable these feelings and pains I get are, but I can't find the words to describe the horror of them... I am beginning to wonder if they aren't latent emotions that are now coming back to be processed.

• I will get these 'flashes' in my head of something but as soon as I 'see' it, it's gone. Usually this puts me in a dissociative state followed with a severe headache.

• Second nature reactions I have: ingrained thought patterns... "It's my duty to make people feel good." "I have to have sex even if I don't want it: Fake it to make it." "I am a bad bad girl." "I am revolting and unworthy of happiness." things along those lines...

• Suicide/self-injury triggers that cause me to feel like I HAVE to hurt myself or kill myself. It's about nearly impossible sometimes to NOT do what I feel I am being compelled to do. It's almost as if someone pushes a "suicide" or "self-injury" button inside my head/system and it sets off a chain reaction that has been put there on purpose... I doubt this makes any sense... And it's not just suicide or self-injury buttons; there are also other triggers or 'switches' that cause me to switch or regress to a different state and it doesn't matter how much reorienting I do, I am in this state of being and feeling terror and disgust. Sometimes I feel like vomiting because it's so terrible.

I have so much more to say but I can't keep going... This is killing me. I am so tired all the time. I feel tired in every way one can feel tired. I am so upset about all of this. And I wish I could just do what my boyfriend tells me to do, but what he doesn't understand is that a lot of these things are uncontrollable for me. I literally have no say so over what I feel. And no matter how many times I tell him, "It's not that easy." he doesn't get it. Not 100% anyway. God knows he tries and I thank him for that, but I can't expect him or anyone else for that matter to know what this is like. I wish no one knew what this was like. It is torture...

Thanks for reading this if you even got this far... Support and comments appreciated. Blessings and healing vibes to you all.