Is This Me?

This is a picture of my brain I did while inpatient. *Note* Not all parts are there. Only what I sensed at the time. This is very new to me. 

I've been drinking A LOT lately. Smoked weed, a lot of it. It was really good, but I did feel guilty at the same time only because I'm a nurse. I have been popping pills. I need to stop. I don't see a problem with weed in all actuality. Only the negative connotations society has placed upon it and as a nurse I need to be careful.

And been self-injuring a lot lately too: burning.
Scars litter my body - proof of the pain I hold inside. Some of which I'm not even aware of.

The insiders who live with me in my brain hold it. Each of us hold this freaking pain as our own little proof that we're real. Not much of anything to hold onto really, but hey, it's ours.

Sometimes I hate living and I get mad at C.C. - AKA: Small One. She's so stupid and small and pathetic. I am not sure of her age, but it varies from age 3 to about 10. It is like she has different ages too. Like she herself split off from there. A split within a split.

There is Angry One aka Rage. She gets on her rampages and it's frightening. The rage is uncontrollable and oftentimes when I am in 100% control, I can feel her rage leaking into me and it influences how I act. It makes me mean. And I truly hate being mean. I don't know why I am so mean. I don't get why she is so mean.

Miss Spacey is ever-present causing poor concentration to leak through to me and there always the threat of a spur of the moment dissociative attack. She is yellow. I can feel her color. Sometimes I feel yellow just wash over me. I can almost taste it.

The Fixer wants to do just that: fix things. It breaks her heart when she can't. But that's what she was trained to do since she was a small child. That was her role. Make daddy feel better. Hold it inside... Can't show it. We can't show it. Can't let it be known... No one can know... Make people happy. Keep them safe and give them love. That is your purpose lovely child.

Persecutor usually is the one with the bad ideas. She hurts herself: cuts herself, burns herself, honestly anything that will cause harm. Self-loathing is a grand thing eh?

Scared One  is always having irrational fears and it's stupid. They are my fears too but sometimes the irrational part of me will be in more control and these sudden pangs of fear will consume me causing panic.

MotherMii is kind of like a mother figure. She mothers me and takes care of me (us). She is kind and loving. Takes care of people and is very thoughtful and empathetic.

There are many more. I can feel them but I can't 'see' them. I am usually in executive control but on occasions when things get to be too much, I will go away completely. I will drive to towns and have no idea how I got there or walk places and buy things I don't remember buying. I will say things to people and have no idea what I said. It is so embarrassing. And it terrifies me as a nurse.

These are all me. They make up me. They are themselves, but they aren't fully split at the same time. But then again I'm not fully uniform either. Have I finally have begun to except the Others in my head (if there even are "Others"...?

Like I said, they aren't fully-split like DID at all.. But they are other "sides" to me.. And they make up me... I know everyone has this to an extent but mine feels a bit more concrete than everyday people's are, and quite a bit less concrete than those with DID... So I have no Idea what I am... A freak I guess...

Realizations About My Body and It's Problems

Headache again today... And body aches. Muscles kill me... I've been doing a lot of research... There seems to be connections between Fibromyalgia, GERD, Raynaud's Syndrome, PTSD, Migraines, and possibly even yeast infections. I battle all of these; most of them since I was young. Now, I must say, I've not yet been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia or Raynaud's Syndrome. But I have been dealing with the Raynaud's Symptoms since I was 12 or so. I'm almost 23 now. And the Fibro symptoms for at least 4 years. I fit every textbook symptom to a T... I have been diagnosed with PTSD, GERD, and have chronic yeast infections along with a myriad of other issues... It can't be coincidental... I just can't find a doctor to refer me to a specialist as they don't seem to believe me... I am getting so worn down. And dissociative symptoms bad again ad well... So fed up. I am too young for this sh*t... This isn't fair.

I mean, after all that has happened why do I have to deal with this stuff too... It's like my body f*cking hates me or something... It has been through an awful lot of sh*t... I think it blames me. I know I blame myself... Why wouldn't the rest of me and the parts of my body that are unknown to me feel that way too? I guess I thought that maybe, just maybe I could get a bit of a break. I have battled the ADHD all my life and the effects that it had on my learning abilities. Not to mention the social setbacks it caused; and God knows all the other sh*t that went along with it... The depression and anxiety... All at a young age... Let's not forget the PTSD diagnosis and dissociative issues that I have been having these last couple to several years... And possibly even most of my life... I am not sure.

I read that there is a link between Fibro and abuse in childhood (physical and emotional abuse and/or chronic psychological stress) and/or domestic abuse in young teen years... I have both of these histories. I read somewhere online that sexual abuse didn't seem to pose as a common link... I found that really odd actually. Anyway, there is a statistic that states that up to 25% of those diagnosed with Fibro have an abuse history. That just seems crazy to me but also very believable.

You see, I never really paid much mind to my physical ailments that I've been battling. But they have gotten to the point where I can hardly function some days. So, I decided to do some research on Fibro... The results that came up really shocked me. There I found that there are in fact MANY associated problems and diagnoses that oftentimes go along with Fibro... But what REALLY shocked me was how many of these conditions I suffer from... Most of them, as I said in the beginning of this post, since I was a child... This is just all too surreal... It is hard to really grasp that I can have all these f*cking issues... I MUST be making this up... One person cannot literally be as f*cked up as I am... Gosh...

In the reading I have done, I have found that people who have Fibro oftentimes, if not always, have other conditions that seem to be linked to it. I know that I already stated some of the diagnoses/symptoms in the beginning of this post but I am going state them again along with some others that I had as a child that I am not sure actually pertain to Fibro...

• PTSD (diagnosed) 
• GERD (diagnosed) 
• Raynaud's Syndrome (undiagnosed but almost 95-99% sure I have it) I literally have every single symptom of it 
• Chronic yeast infections 
• Chronic (almost every other week for most of my childhood) canker sores in my mouth. Sometimes 3-5 at a time. Sometimes I could hardly talk or eat for days to a week or longer (unsure if there is a link for this one) 
• Chronic/severe ear infections that were every other week as well (unsure if there is a link here) 
• Multiple Chemical Sensitivity - sensitivity to dust mites, mold, grasses (diagnosed) 
• Asthma (diagnosed) 
• Migraines (have suffered with them for most of my life I think) 

I guess I don't get a break. What-the-f*ck-ever... F*CK you you STUPID body....

Dissociation To The Extreme...

I've been having depersonalization and derealization I guess. I don't lose time. Not usually anyway. I think that's only happened once or twice and very fast and briefly only a few minutes. It's like there is this rapid cycling inside my head. I come in and out and there are bits of time missing but it happens so fast... Like a camera shutter.

I don't feel connected really to the world around me, or even to myself at times. I am behind a glass inside the back of my head looking out through my eyes (windows) [see above picture]. I see things in black and white during this. It's like I am under water. Sounds like I am wrapped in cotton or something. Nothing makes sense. I can't communicate right. It's all I can do but stay present. Also, sometimes I can't feel my body and it doesn't feel like mine or like me. It feels heavy and yet weightless. Like white in T, she has this big cushy red leather chair I always sit in and it feels like my body is going to melt into it but another part of me is going to come out and away. Like I am peeling away from my body and floating away... Breaking ties with this world in a sense.

It takes a lot out of me. I am prone to severe headaches/migraines during this. Odd body pains and sensations. I actually have had severe headaches all my life but everybody has that I think right? And when I was little I remember a lot of painful pressure "down there" in both "places". And the other night while trying to fall asleep. I got these horrible throbbing pains down there in my behind area. Once while at T (I don't remember what I was talking about) my girl parts started tingling and contracting. It was so gross. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I finally told my T this after a couple months. I was just so mortified. I was laughing though. I guess that's what I do when nervous? She wasn't grossed out. She said this could be all sorts of things. The word 'body memory' came about. But that can't be right. I wasn't abused like that as a child. Only in an emotional way that had sexual overtones. I also have been having bad pains all over the last year or two. Sounds like fibromyalagia or something... The only thing that happened that maybe would have required some type of dissociation would be that I was under extreme emotional pain/stress and fear and had a heavy weight on me and responsibility. But that can't cause dissociation. Can it?

Sometimes I feel at such conflict inside myself. I argue with me inside. I feel like at certain times, my mind switches so much that I can't decide or agree on any one thing. If I do agree or make a decision I quickly change my mind. I feel like different pieces of me are loyal to those I was made to be loyal to as a child. They are always in conflict and contradict themselves and it makes it hard to function. My T says I have 'splitting'. Not like separate personalities but parts of my mental functioning that split off because it was too painful to process or deal with or because if I didn't I would have went crazy or had a mental breakdown. Or I perceived it as unsafe or bad to process at the time. Maybe like an emotional fragment/partial personality split. I used to hear voices as a child and I wasn't scared of them. I can remember one distinct time but I just have this feeling or knowing that it happened more than that. I feel like I am going absolutely crazy...

I was in T the other day and I said, "Well all people contradict themselves and argue with themselves."

She said, "Yes, but not to the extent at which you do. Your mind will change so fast and so abruptly. You will say one thing and then you will turn around and fight with yourself almost. And be very angry and defensive."

Sometimes I feel like I have no substance. I mean, like when I am in this state. I seem to be confused about who I am. My identity feels shaken. I can't formulate a thought very well and just can't think. Sometimes I feel 'small' and just want to curl up. I feel scared and little and it is hard to do adult things I should be able to do.

Is that possible? Can these emotional pieces 'take over' or influence how I perceive and do things? Like I feel what they (me?) feel and it influences what I do and how I act. I am aware. When I depersonalize and feel like I am separated from the world and from people or even myself I sometimes will continue talking. And it is like I am only half involved. I talk but I am not really even thinking about talking and it doesn't feel like me all the way. My body doesn't always feel like it is there. I can't explain any of this...

Is it possible to have layered emotional aspects? Have you ever heard of such a thing?

Porcupine No Longer

Ashamed and frozen in fear, time stops.
Pretending to be asleep; staying very still...
Lying and waiting, pretending it's all just a dream.
NO! Get up! I have to do something! SCREAM!
*Silence*... I don't make a sound. No one can know. Ashamed!
Eyes now scrunched up tight and fists form into balls.
Go into my mind. Pretend I am a porcupine.
Can't touch me! Can't touch me! I am a porcupine!
Doesn't work...
Porcupine's quills have been plucked clean away! Exposed.
Body is a map whose lands have been plundered before.
Monster's fingers are legs, walking the map, exploring it all.
Monster is greedy: taking what is not his to take.
Too scary. So scary. Can't be happening.
Dumb, wretched girl.
Pretend. Pretend. Pretend. Smile. I'm alright.
Tomorrow I'll pretend I don't remember what happened at night.