... Unresolved Health Issues ...

So yesterday afternoon, I went to a nurse practitioner because I have been feeling REALLY sick. I have been aching really bad for the last few days and just couldn’t take it any longer. My head, ears, and throat also were in really bad shape.

*Some background information* I have been aching the last several months. It comes and goes. It is in my knees, wrists, elbows, hips, back, neck, ankles, and pretty much the bones in between my major joints (long bones). It gets so annoying because it gets to hurting pretty bad… And it has begun to be more often in frequency. Also, the last few weeks or month or so I will get this STABBING pain behind my right eye in my head (this is different from the headache that was going along with my ears and throat). It feels almost like there is a knife on the inside of my brain trying to push my eye out of my head. It is a white searing pain. It will last for a few seconds to a couple minutes. I can hardly even think when it happens… It is blinding. I have been leaning towards possible fibromyalgia because this is what a few people (who have it) told me is sounded like but that I needed to get checked out by a doctor… I wanted a referral if possible to see a specialist (is this NP deemed it necessary).

So, I went into this NP’s office with the idea that my head, throat, and ear issues were due to out-of-control allergies causing a possible sinus infection (I haven’t been taking my prescription allergy meds for the last few days and they’ve gotten out of hand). I also went in thinking that I may possibly have the flu which is causing the more-extreme-than-usual aches on top of my general ‘normal’ aches.

After being called back to the nurse’s station, the nurse took down my chief complaint, my medical/surgical history, and allergies. Then my vitals were obtained and recorded. I had a fever of 100.6° F, and my pulse was 130 (which is high for me). Then, I was taken to the room where I was to be seen by the NP. In no time, the NP walked in. She did not appear to be happy. She sat down and let out a large sigh and rubbed her head. I just sat there; barely able to sit still due to the pain from my body.

She said something to the effect of, “Let’s do this. What are you here for?” in a really gruff tone of voice.

I said, “Well, I am really achy and have been for the last several months although it’s been worse the last few days. My ears, throat, and head have been hurting but I also have bad allergies and haven’t been able to take my allergy medicines for the last few days. I take them at night and I have been getting home too late to take them and just skip them because if I take them too late I will not be able to function the next day due to the hangover effect they have. Also, I think I may have a little bit of the flu which is making my achiness 10 times worse than normal.”

She sighed and rolled her eyes, “Get up there.” pointing to a table with a sheet of paper. “I am going to check your ears, nose and throat.” She then used her scope to check my throat and ears and nose and tapped on my face and forehead to check for sinus tenderness. She also felt my glands. My sinuses and glands were tender to touch.

“Your throat is red around the edges and so is your uvula. Your ears have fluid built up. You have a sinus infection and probably have the flu. The pain behind your eye is due to the infection. I have been seeing that a lot lately. Here’s a prescription for a Z-pack.”

“Yeah, I figured I may have a sinus infection or something like that. See, the thing is, I know that this infection is due to my allergies. I had a feeling that this added aching is due to the flu. But, what I want to know is why I have been aching for the last several months. And I have been having this pain in my head for around a month or more now. I have only had these sinus and throat issues for the last few days.”

She chuckled, not in a happy way either and said, “I really am not sure what’s wrong with you. None of your symptoms fit together. What is up with all of these medicines you are on huh? Why are you on them?”

“What do you mean? I am on them because I need them.”

“Why are you on the Wellbutrin, Vyvanse, clonodine, and hydroxizine for?” (She actually named more than these but I won’t list them all…) “And why do you do to the chiropractor? Stop going to him. He isn’t doing any good at all.”

Pretty shocked as to why she would ask this since those are two obvious drugs if you’re in the healthcare field…, “Um… the first two are for depression and ADHD. If I go off of them I feel like crap. I can’t focus and it is horrible. The third one is for sleep and the last one is for my allergies.”

She shook her head, rolled her eyes, and sighed, “Most people outgrow ADHD. Why haven’t you outgrown it yet huh? Why? You shouldn’t need all of these medicines. Have you even ever tried going off of them??”

I was completely shocked. My mental health, especially my ADHD is something that I am ashamed of… I was almost in tears by what she had just said. I replied in a bit of a snarky tone, “Well, you obviously have never heard of adult ADHD. It does exist. And yes, I have gone off of my medicines. If I don’t take them, my thoughts get to racing so fast I can’t think at all. It causes panic attacks and another set of issues entirely which I won’t get into.” … what I wanted to say was that I have been having bad depression and anxiety lately especially since my most recent r*pe and assaults and since therapy has been so bad lately… But, I didn’t say any of that. I already look crazy enough.

She said, “You don’t need all of these medicines. You are on Vyvansem an upper; Welbutrin, a down in a sense; hydroxizine, a downer; clonodine, a downer. There is no reason to be on all of these medicines at these dosages. Your body weight is too low to handle all of these! Chr*st!!! No wonder you are feeling so cruddy. I think you have serotonin overload in your system.”

I was absolutely shocked. I said, “Well, my allergist and psych-med doctor feel I am fine on them, but I will discuss what you have said with them just in case. And I like going to my chiropractor and feel that he helps me.” I was trying not to get defensive and trying not to cry… I was in so much physical pain… It was about 8 or 9 out of 10…

Lastly she said, “Well, all I can tell you is to stop taking your medicines and stop going to the chiropractor. This is all honestly above my expertise and I am not sure what’s wrong with you.”

I was a little pissed to put it nicely. But I replied in a nice tone of voice (well, I tried to), “Well, I can’t stop taking my medicines cold-turkey. I will go into serotonin withdrawals and have a severe depressive episode. I don’t want that. I like going to my chiropractor. And I won’t stop my meds without consulting with my doctors first. I always advise my patients to consult with their doctors before stopping meds. And you still have no idea why I have been aching for the last several months? Other than my medication problems and aversion to stop taking them? Can you give me a referral maybe?”

“No, I don’t think you need a referral. And I have told you what I think. The rest of this ‘stuff’ is your problem to deal with. Not mine. Stop the meds and stop the chiropractor and take the Z-pack.” She said.

“Okay, thanks. Have a great day.” I said… By this time I just wanted to go leave and cry.

She said, “Well, you are welcome although I didn’t really help you much.” At this point she actually sounded nice like she kind of cared. I smiled politely and walked out to the car where my mom was waiting for me where I told her through sobs, what the NP had said.

Then I went and filled my prescription that I was given and started the pack right then. Cried all the way home from the pain I was in and also started feeling extremely nauseous. Once, home managed to eat a few soda crackers. I went to bed early. Woke up this morning, and took another antibiotic pill. Feel SOOO much better today where the head, ears, and throat areas are concerned. I don’t even feel achy. Well, not the flu-like achy anyway. I still have that ‘normal’ general achiness that I tried to tell her about… Oh well.

Oh, and to make matters worse. I have been very depressed lately. I haven’t let it on to anyone though. But I finally broke down Sunday night at my church group thing. I am just really lonely and there have been a lot of changes in my church group. Tyler and Michelle started dating awhile back and will more than likely get married sometime down the road. Jonny and Emily just got engaged and will be getting married in September (a triggering anniversary month for me). Haley and Jacob are moving to Alaska and getting married. Joe just moved away yesterday. Now my friend Katelyn will more than likely be moving away to Norway for good, Lord willing. 

I hate to sound like I am bitching… I am not. I am SUPER happy for them all. But, This group is the only reason that I stayed in my hometown. I was thinking to move away from here back in December but then I started going to church and fell in love with my ‘church family’ and felt like I wanted to stay. Now, half of them are getting married and/or moving away. I am so alone and want someone to love and want me. I want to be wanted… Cared about… And now this group feels like it is disintegrating all around me… The one reason I stayed in this town…

Oh, plus I can’t find a f*cking nursing job for the life of me… And now all of these painful problems… And I have been so depressed due to all of this and then this run-in with this NP made it all worse… And of course dealing with these issues with therapy and my past with r*pes and abuse… F*ck it is all too much! I can’t do it…

Sorry for that rambly last bit… Just had to vent.

I am so depressed. And I hurt physically. Thanks for reading if you got this far…

Blessings for you. Have a great day. Sorry for being a Debby Downer.

St. Patty's Day Ordeal

***Hugs and comments please. Any kind or helpful words at all appreciated. Thank you all so much. Blessings. Sorry this is so long.***

So, I will start back from about a week ago and work my way up to present day.
Bear with me. Thanks for the support. I need it. Although I am no longer freaking out, I am still sad and hurt.

So, last Sunday I started getting really sick. It started out with a scratchy throat and itchy ears and then my sinuses started to hurt some.
Then a day later or so I started getting really achy and just all over sick. I was super dizzy and couldn't hear, my vision was blurry, I was nauseous and felt fuzzy in the head. Then I got congested to the point that I couldn't get any air movement through my nose and my chest started getting congested and it hurt some. Then I got a blister in the back of my throat and could hardly swallow. I felt so sick. I just couldn't do it any longer and gave in and went to the doctor on Thursday. They prescribed me a z-pack and prednisone. I HATE prednisone. It makes me so jumpy and anxious and jittery. They didn't do a culture, but the doctor said that based on my symptoms, he was pretty sure I had Group A beta hemolytic streptococcus. But I was looking at the signs and symptoms online and it didn't really account for my chest and nose congestion, just the nausea, aching, and sore throat/blisters. So, I was thinking I must have had a common cold along with this strep infection. But good thing is, I am feeling loads better. About 100% better now. Thanks be to God. I was very concerned because I had a trip planned to go to my friend's house and be with her and party a bit for St. Patty's Day weekend and I was scared I wouldn't be able to go, but I did. Thus brings us to the next part of my story...

I had been planning this outing with my friend for a couple of weeks now. My parents told me it was a bad idea. They told me I would get into trouble and that they had a bad feeling about it... But I just kept telling them that they were stupid and worry too much because they do and they always have 'a bad feeling' it seems... But, I only wish I hadn't been f*cking stupid and proved them right... God help me... I did bad things. Anyway, I'll get to that.

Saturday, my mom drove me up to my friend's house (which is about an 1.5-2 hours north of where I live) because for one, my car isn't dependable, and two, she wanted to visit my sister and aunt that live in this general area. I was a bit miffed that I couldn't drive myself but looking back, I think God blessed me because I had to end up calling my mom and aunt to come and save my ass...

So, at around 10 AM my mom drops me off at my friend’s house and I put my overnight bag in her house and I we paint our nails and decide what to do until 12 o’clock (when the St. Patty’s Day parade is supposed to start). We decide to go to Wal-Mart and buy green accessories and look snazzed up for the holiday. Then we go to the bank and then downtown to where the bars, and streets are filled with people drunk off their gourds… It looked super fun.

We park and start making our way to where we hear shouting and loud music and drunken people. (Some of which started at 6am, gross, I know). We go to a place called Mickey’s Irish Pub. It is a crazy party. Packed like sardines. We get green beer, and begin fraternizing with people. We find this little group of people and they kind of ‘adopt us’ into their little group. It was an older guy and a girl (they are married) and then with them was this other dude. We all got pretty good and tipsy and at about 2:30 or so my friend and I got into these people we had been hanging with’s car. They took us to (what I was soon to find out) a gay bar. It was interesting. Well, we were actually in and out of this gay bar and another bar as they were adjoined. So, we get to this bar and we start drinking. We are both sh*t faced drunk. I buy us shot sand we drink more beer. We can hardly stand up. (I feel awful admitting this but I made out with people. Girls and guys… I feel like a cheap wh*re… I am. It is what I am… I am a filthy rag.)

A little bit later, she and I go outside to smoke a cig with this the guy we were with (the lady’s husband). I turn around and she and this guy are gone. I FREAK the f*ck out. I throw the cig on the ground and run back in the bar and ask the lady we were with if she had seen her husband or my friend. She said she hadn’t seen either of them. I start crying and imagine the worst possible things happening to her. She is being r*ped, beaten, mugged, hurt somehow… I was wigging out and I tried calling my mom and dad and aunt and no one answered me… I was so scared I don’t even remember who it was, but I think it was the lady. She took me next door to the adjoining gay bar. There I saw my friend. She was fine. She was with that guy. She looked mad at me. I honestly do not remember what all was said, but the lady said she thought we better get home because we were too drunk. She gave us directions how to get back to Mickey's and then from there we were supposed to find our own way back to the car.

I admit, I was freaking out and looking back I wish I had of gone over to the adjoining bar by myself to look for her first before getting that lady to help me look. It’s just the only thing that was going through my mind was, “I need to find her. She is drunk and something bad might happen. I am drunk and I can’t help her. The more time I waste trying to find her, the further away she might get. I need to ask for help.” So, I did. Well, my friend was raving mad at me for doing this and said I was a sell out. She saw I was on the phone attempting to call someone and she flipped.

She said, "What the f*ck is this? Are you trying to call your f*cking mommy? Go ahead, call your mommy."
I don't remember what I replied exactly.

I honestly don't remember exactly word for word what was said but I do remember some of it. So, some of this may or may not be completely accurate, but rather just how I perceived it to be in my own experience of this ordeal.

Anyway, we begin walking and she is just being a total b*tch to me. I am beside myself. I am, at this point, feeling pretty sober compared to how I had been. The cold air and wind, all of the walking we had been doing, the adrenaline and fear of her possibly being hurt, and the ever present danger of getting arrested (as there were cops at every turn) sobered me up pretty damn fast lol. We continue to walk and she is ahead of me. I realize we are going the wrong way and I try to redirect her and she gets mad at me. I can't even talk to her. She said such hurtful things to me...

At this point, the only thing I want it to not be on the street. I do not want to get arrested for public intoxication. I have a nursing license to uphold and am in debt up to my ears and although I am unemployed at the moment, I still do not want to lose my license to practice. And I know public intox and being arrested will achieve just that... The LAST thing I want. So, obviously all I want to do is get back to her house and drink there and do what we had originally planned to do. I am thinking very rational now and have formulated in my mind steps at how to get back.
1) We need to lie low and avoid drawing any unnecessary attention that may alert cops.
2) We need to find a shelter of some sort to sober up in or call a cab back to her house and then just get her car in the morning.
3) We need to work together as a team and make this work.
4) We need to try as hard as we can to act sober and not draw attention to our state.

Keeping those rules in mind, I tried to calmly explain to her that she was going in the wrong direction of where the car was parked and that we had to turn around. She would have none of it and kept walking and cussing me out. I didn't want to follow her and become even more lost than I already was (did I mention I am not from here and have no idea what was right from left?). But truthfully, at this point, I could see a very large building that I remember parking by. It looked to be about a mile away or so and it was undoubtedly crawling with cops the whole way there. It would be a true task getting to the car unnoticed and at the rate we were going, she wasn't making it easy. We needed to work as a team and she would have none of it. So, I didn't want to follow her and lose sight of the building, but at the same time, she was so drunk and I was terrified of leaving her. If I didn't stay with her, she could easily get hurt or lost and I would never be able to forgive myself if that happened. On the other hand, I knew that the further I followed her, the more and more chance I had of getting picked up by the cops and becoming arrested and ruining any prospect of nursing career. But, she means the world to me and I chose her safety over my future.

I follow her. Every so often attempting to get her to just stop and listen to me and think logically about this. I explained that she was not making this easy and that we just needed to sit and sober up and think about this together and how to approach this. I was feeling pretty sober at this point. My words were slurring still and I was stumbling, but I could think rationally. She punches me in the arm and pushes me on the ground. I am shocked.

I say, "What the f*ck Sara?!!? Stop being a b*tch and listen. I am trying to f*cking help you and keep us safe and get us home and am risking getting arrested for you!"

She says, "Oh yes. You are so much better than me aren't you b*tch! Little miss go-and-call-your-mommy-to-rescue-you."

"That's not fair Sara. I don't want you to get hurt. I was scared that you were being r*ped or something. You do NOT want to be r*ped. It is horrible. I love you and care about you and just want to get back to your house safe and in one piece now please help me. You can be mad at me later, but right now we need to work together." I say.

She replies, (this is paraphrased) "Oh my gosh. I f*cking told you not to hang out with those guys while you were drinking and you did anyway. You got r*ped because of your own stupid fault. You are a filthy sl*t who asked for it. Dumb sl*t! And all of that sh*t you told me about your dad! I don't believe you. You are a liar. You lie about everything. You're disgusting and I hate you and never want to talk to you again. You are not welcome at my house anymore."

I am sobbing now. That was a low f*cking blow... I was shocked. I am not even sure how I responded to be honest... But I just kind of lost hope and began thinking about how right she was. I DO lie a lot. I make up things. I never made anything up about what I told her regarding my dad or r*pes though. I make up things in stories to make them sound better sometimes... I was just heartbroken. I risked all of my future on this c*nt who just pretty much told me how she truly felt... I was very VERY low...

Although she'd never admit it, I know that she meant what she said. At some level at least. I mean, she's told me similar things about my r*pes and my relationship with my dad when she was sober even!
I'll put them below inside of asterisks. These were said a long time ago mind you... and she was sober. So I know she means this deep down somewhat.

**When I told her how much I was struggling. It was only a few weeks after this particular r*pe too... She said, "It wasn't 'real r*pe' so you should really be over it already."

She said, "It kind of WAS your fault. You had been drinking and were kind of asking for it in a sesne."..........

When I told her about stuff my dad did to me (emotional incest and inappropriateness) She said, "I don't believe you. You are making that up. Yout dad wouldn't do that. I cannot believe you. You must be remembering it wrong. Are you sure he wasn't drunk when (if) he did it?"

My reply to her, "Yeah, he was drunk for multiple/consecutive years STRAIGHT and made sure to get me alone so he could 'talk and bond' with me." (even though I know he didn't do this with the intent to hurt me)...

Her reply, "Oh, well, then I don't know. I am sorry I guess." ..............
At least she said sorry. **

Now, continuing with what took place on Saturday... It was before the cops came....

She told me how worthless I was.

She said, "You must be a sh*tty nurse because you don't even have a f*cking job!"
I am stunned... yet again... she starts laughing as if the statement she just made was a hilarious concept.

Then she says, "You still live with your parents and don't have a job. You can't be a very good nurse. No one wants you!!!"
She laughs even more. Then calls me a sl*t again along with more obscenities.

I am crying. Not balwing, just tears rolling down my cheeks. Everything I secretly feel inside my soul that I am too ashamed to admit... She is validating for me... it hurt a
lot.

Right about now the cops pull up, and I think, "Great... I KNEW this would f*cking happen. She's called too much attention.

The cops ask us if we are alright.

I say, "Yes. We are just trying to get back to our car but I'm not from here and don't know which way is what."

He says, "Have you been drinking?"

I am not going to lie. I say, "Yes. We have been drinking. Can you call us a cab please?"

Sara, of course, chimes in with, "Oh she acts like she is so f*cking perfect. She is making me look like I am the only drunk one. She is drunk too. Stupid b*tch."

I say, "No, I know I have been drinking and I admit it. But I just want to get home. Please just cooperate with the officers and let's get home OK? I really do not want to get arrested. Just be cool Sara. Listen."
To which the cop replied, "I think you should listen to your friend here Sara."

Sara said, "Oh you do do you? Well, I don't really f*cking care. That b*tch thinks she is so much better than me. She is a f*cking sell out. She is a sl*t. SL*T! F*ck you guys."

The cop said, "Ma'am, you are this close to getting arrested. You have a really good friend here and frankly, I don't like your f*cking attitude. You better cut it out right now or you will be arrested."

Sara being gutsy as hell said, "Go ahead, arrest me. I don't f*cking care."

I am pleading at this point for her to just shut the f*ck up and for them to PLEASE not arrest her. I apologized for her so many times...
Eventually they listened to me and must have felt bad for me I don't know... But they called us a cab and then left.
Sara and I waited for a good ten minutes but then got antsy. At this point, we had somehow made a square and were fairly close to the car. So, she went ahead and I was so pissed and hurt at this point that I said whatever happens to you happens. Just f*cking go. I'll get a ride some other way. I back tracked and walked to a Salvation Army and called my mom and she and my aunt picked me up.

She had been on the phone for some of the time earlier and had overheard a lot of what Sara had said. My mom was pretty pissed off at her. I asked my mom to pick her up because I didn't want her to try driving and get hurt...

So, we did. We took her home... I went inside and got my sh*t and left and spent the night at my aunt's with my mom instead of with Sara... My day was now ruined. I was so bummed.

The thing is, even after she had said all of what she did and after physically assaulting me a number of times, I STILL risked everything and even PLEADED with the cops and risked that for her. I then went so far as picking her up. I am not trying to boast but I am a good friend. She can't say that I am not. I STILL love the b*tch even now. I just keep making excuses for her... I don't know why.

I can see how she would be upset at me. I can see how it would of looked like I was trying to make it look like I was sober and she was the drunk one. I was. But it wasn't to make her look bad, it was to save our asses. Someone had to be responsible and have their wits about them!!!

I am not sure when exactly this part took place but she punched and pushed me down and I twisted/bruised my ankle really bad and it is hard and was almost impossible to walk on. But I didn't have a choice. I had to walk back to Salvation Army. My head, behind my ear is scabbed up from being pushed into a pole. I am not sure how this happened because this was before we were fighting I thought. My right elbow is all scraped up. I am sore all over. And to make matters worse, I was already sore from roller skating the day before this. My tailbone and knees were black and blue already. So yeah, it was a shit day...

I got this text message from her Sunday morning when I woke up.

Her:
"I'm sorry for everything that happened yesterday we are so stupid why didn't we leave after one drink that was the plan.i didn't even get to see the parade. I was the driver though so that was my fault. I'm sorry I said mean things to u that I didn't mean that wasn't right I just got mad at u cause u kept acting like u werent that drunk and I was the drunk one and how u kept trying to make me look bad in front of everyone we came in contact with. We are better than that we aren't the friends that say horrible mean things to each other and sale each other out and trying to make each other look bad. Thank your mom for me for taking me home. There is one thing I realized last night is that I don't want to drink like that anymore its stupid and immature I wish yesterday would have never happened and I'm sorry if I ruined ur night. I love u"

Me:
"It was not just you. I know I was drunk. I even told the police I was drunk too. But I did not want to act drunk and get public intox and lose nursing license. It was really hard to act that sober. I just could not let us get arrested and I didn't want you walking around by yourself. I'm sorry too. We were freaking Stupid. We both willingly took part. It's both of us. But I think I need to take a break for awhile and think. So dumb. You are loved too. My mom said you're Welcome, she's just glad you and I are safe."

Her:
"Why did we even start walking anyways why didn't those two dumb ass ppl just drive us back to our car or call us a cab."

Me:
"Bcuz they didn't care about us and are more interested in having fun. They weren't caring about us."



Yeah, so that's about it. I know I forgot a lot of stuff... But, oh well, that's most of it.. I am still mad though the more time that passes and I think about what she said and did and how I STILL stuck by her side and risked everything I had and how close I came to getting arrested for her....

So, I know I am at fault, I know it. But can I have a hug or something? Thanks guys... Blessings and love to you all. ♥