I am a Survivor of.....

I have Survived:

Covert/emotional inc*st and 'inappropriateness' by my dad. He poisoned me against my mom but I don't think he meant to...
There was some physical abuse as a child (corporal punishment gone-too-far) but not too much of it.

My grandma and aunts (dad's mom and sisters) only further enabled by dad to continue the dysfunction and they poisoned my mind against my mom through their thoughts and manipulation; this pushed me even closer to my dad because I felt bad for him and felt such intense love for him... I was on his side and I felt it was my duty to take on his burdens and his sexual problems and all of that insane crazy stuff no child should be put under... And in all of this happening, it caused me to be even more enmeshed with him so he could use me even more for his needs. It's like they all groomed me. Almost like programming in a loose sense of the word. I don't know. The screwed up part is, none of this was on purpose to hurt me. I am not even sure they knew they were hurting me... Dysfunction runs so deep.

Domestic Abuse: physical, mental, verbal, emotional, spiritual, and sexual abuse (1 count of an*l r*pe and multiple v*ginal r*pes) by him. Ages 17-19. He was a sadist. It was torturous.

Acquaintance d*gital (finger) r*pe by my ex boyfriend's "best friend" while I was drunk. It happened 12/29/11. He is no longer friends with him though. (Still have yet to blog about this one however.) I was 20.

Acquaintance d*gital (finger) r*pe by my dad's best friend while I was drunk. It happened 09/22/12. He is still friends with him even though he knows what happened. He blames me... (Still have yet to blog about this one too.)

Verbal and emotional abuse by grandfather from infancy/toddlerhood to 11 or 12 years old (Although I do not remember as far back as infancy, I am sure that it more than likely occurred because I was in that environment while my grandma watched me as a child. And as far as I know, my grandpa has always been verbally and emotionally abusive.)

Precription drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and marijuana abuse: pills and marijuana started when I was 15 or 16 (clean from pills since 16 or 17), slipped up on the marijuana a several months ago, other than that stopped using, alcohol started when I was 14 or 15, I drink still but not heavily like I used to although I am currently working on my drinking as well.

Self injury starting at the age of 13, I still use this method of coping unfortunately.

ED (Eating disorder), binging and purging, started in middle school. I still struggle with this sometimes but very rarely.

A "suicide attempt" by ODing on a mixture of various prescription pills and a lot of whiskey. (This is what prodded me to get help and get clean. It was against my will though but looking back I am glad I was forced to go.) I say "suicide attempt" because it was not to exactly kill myself... I wanted to get high, forget, just cease feeling and being. The thought, "If I take this many pills and drink this much, I could very easily die... Hell, I am OK with that." I almost felt like it was a perk.

I have been diagnosed with ADHD since I was 9. I have depression, anxiety, PTSD and some OCD tendencies. I also dissociate a lot.