It Keeps Adding Up (Part 1)

So, here are just some things that have been happening in the last month... I found out about the 4th and 5th bullet points within an hour or two of each other...

• Anni (of one of my r*pes) was this month and I am so glad December is almost over... Persistent panic attacks that cause severe repercussions... It's beginning to affect my job as a nurse... I can't have this right now... I just can't handle this all right now...
  
• Dissociation and PTSD have been through the roof!
  
• Work is stressin me out and triggerin me badly.
  
• Found out my aunt has a very aggressive form of lung cancer and is dying and now any talk of death makes me panic... I am so sad... My mom is upset... We didn't really even having a Christmas this year because she wasn't in the mood... Not that I got Christmas off anyway... I went in at 3 pm on the 25th and got off at 6 am on the 26th and had to be back in at 4pm that same day... I have yet to get any holiday off...
  
• My best friend (the one who hurt me on St Patty's Day... if y'all don't remember the whole St. Patty's Day ordeal you can read about it HERE) got pregnant and never even told me... I know we weren't talking, but this was the ultimate betrayal... I guess being best friends since we were 5 (so almost 17 years) means nothing to her... I mean, for f*cks sake... We were like sisters... Inseparable we were! We finished each others' sentences... Did absolutely everything together... We were always there for the other.
  
  We always talked about how when one of us would get pregnant, we would go shopping and be involved in the pregnancy somehow...
  
  Normally, I would have been one of the first people she called... Instead, I get told by my mom, who got a text from her (my friend's) mom... It just hurts so damn much...
  
  I just stared at my mom for a few seconds and then said, "Uh,.. oh... okay..." *Short Pause* cue tears....
  
  I gave her about a week or so to tell me herself... I wanted to give her the benefit of a doubt.
  
  But she never did... And so, I felt terrible not telling her something, because that would make me a bad friend... so I texted her "Congrats! Happy for you. When are you due?"
  
  "Who is this?" she replied.
  
  Thinking that maybe she changed her number and didn't tell me, I said, "It's Chantel. Is this not ______?"
  
  "Yes, it is... Sorry my phone's acting weird. I don't know yet. I have an appointment in 2 weeks... Keep this on the DL. No Facebook." (Yeah, her phone is acting "weird"... She obviously deleted me from her contacts... Or got a new phone and didn't put me in her new one...)
  
  "I wasn't going to." I said, sad... Almost in tears...
  
  "Just making sure." She said.
  
  And that was that... No thank you for my congrats... Not even a reason for her not telling me... I doubt she would have ever told me... I had to make the first move... And this was 2 weeks ago since we talked. I have not heard from her once... And I think it is over. Age 5: pre-K/kindergarten to 21 years of age... (I am now 22 but turned 22 not long after we stopped talking)... So 16, basically 17 years we have been best friends... And it is all over... It just doesn't seem real... I feel so hurt and betrayed. We have so many good memories... Gosh... F*cking b*tch... I wanted to demand why she didn't tell me... What the f*ck is her deal?!?! But I didn't I held my tongue and just internalized it...
  
• T has been really difficult... It just has been really cruddy...Triggered really badly, often... Dissociate... In T, while driving, at work... Yeah... Stinks...
  
• Oh, and I had my yearly female exam the other day.... It was awful and very triggering... Made my PTSD symptoms so much more worse... Like they weren't already... And I think she could see the scars on my legs... No, I KNOW she could. It would be impossible for her not to... She didn't say anything though... She could tell I was really upset and uncomfortable.... So she made it fast, which was nice of her... But I still hated it... F*ck this sh*t...
  
• Then I was triggered further with the thought of her seeing the scars and it just made me wanna c*t even more... How f*cked up is that?
  
• I just can't focus... Can't stay attentive to what I need to do. half the time I walk around not knowing what I need to do or just walk around barely knowing what I am supposed to do or where I should be... Gets me into trouble... Employer told me I needed to get my sh*t together..
  
• I am soooo jumpy... Everything scares me and makes me jump... It's awful...
  
• I am SUPER achy and in pain all over... I HATE it and have no idea why I am feeling like this... It's wearing me out.
  
• I have no patience (this is a "me" problem I think though)... I snap at anyone and everything. I cussed a fork out today for like 5 minutes for me dropping it... No joke. Poor fork, it wasn't your fault... People around me are suffering... EVERYTHING is making me mad. Literally...
  
• I am very pissed at myself because I have such a hard time saying 'no' to people. If I do say it, I feel very guilty and upset... There we are again, repeating childhood conditioning... Don't live for myself... (This was not explicitly told to me but it was implied by 'their' actions and how I was to treat my dad and yeah it doesn't matter...)