More Shit....

Talked to my boyfriend. He said it is NOT a coincidence that every member of my family (mom, sister, dad, and yourself) has dissociative issues. Abuse seems to go back generations. But so far I have no recoedtion of sexual abuse as a child... Not "real" sexual anuse anyway. Only physical and mental, emotional, verbal, spiritual maybe even.

But this morning, I was exhausted and passed out fast once in bed. I had my back turned to my boyfriend who was also asleep or just about asleep. I had just fallen asleep. But he didn't know that and he started touching me, down there, and all over and at first I wasn't aware of it but kind of felt it at the same time. Well, during this I got scared and froze and pretended to be asleep. Even though I was very much sleepy I was semi-awake at this point. Then all the sudden he grabbed my leg and pulled me under the blankets and starting going down on me. Well, all the sudden I just wanted to scream, "Daddy!!! Stop!" "Daddy, daddy."

But all the sudden I realized it was my boyfriend... And boy am I glad I didn't call him daddy. And I started to really get into it and I was able to have a healthy remainder of the intimate moments thereafter. For that I am glad. I love my boyfriend and later in the day told him that I wasn't fully present in the beginning and that I kept wanting to scream 'daddy'. He wasn't mad at me but he was very upset with himself. He didn't know I wasn't awake in the beginning.

I'm just glad I was able to enjoy pure love and intimacy after the initial scare and fear and panic.

But the thing that I wanted to say is, maybe this isn't all in my head. Maybe there really is something there... I mean, all my family have dissociative issues and now after something traumatic (in perception but not intentionally done by my boyfriend) do I almost call him daddy and even thought it was my dad in a suit and mask that looked like my boyfriend at one point. I thought my dad had somehow got in my boyfriend's body?! How illogical is that? It's getting hard to dismiss this all away. The only drawback here is I have NO memories of sexual abuse and so this just doesn't make sense to me. And I logically knew that it wasn't my dad in bed with me but a part of me was terrified inside and just scared. But my dad loves me and wouldn't have hurt me like that!!!!! 😡

But what if he did?........... 😢