So it's been awhile since I've written anything but I don't follow the Christian viewpoint anymore. And I am okay with that. I would like to call myself spiritual. I believe in God. I believe in my Higher Self. I work to align my chakras and be more full of love. That's my goal: to love. I guess that's my "religion". Love all things. Show love. Be love. I believe in reality-creation. We make our own reality. We are our future.
Also, I've realized my dad and mom and the rest of my family never meant to hurt me. I mean, I always knew this, but now I accept it. And I know for a fact the stuff my dad did wasn't for sexual gain. He just needed a confidant. So technically there was verbal sexual abuse but sexual gratification wasn't his intentions. He would never do that. The covert/emotional incest was bad enough and it messed me up so much. The beltings and other abuses were really bad although semi-infrequent.
Yes, my dad is sick in the fact that he gets off on causing physical pain. I can't explain away the "torture" type of activities. And yes I still do feel like I was intentionally brainwashed/programmed by his family and him in a sense. But regardless of any of this, I forgive them all and accept this and love them all and know they truly do love me.
I'm blessed to have them as my family. It could have been worse but it could have been a hell of a lot better. And I am still angry with the abuse as a child but it helps to know for sure (I just know, don't ask me how) he isn't perverted. He is sick in the head but he does love me. I just wish he hadn't played the 'games' he did because now I am like him. I get off on inflicting pain. I am mean to animals and think of it as a game. I have so many programmed responses due to his abuse. But unlike him I try to retrain myself. He doesn't. I can unlearn the things he taught me. I'll make that my mission. I won't be my dad.
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