Our Christmas Sermon (sorry it's late)

Even though this world is full of sadness God still remains good.

I used to wonder why God did bad things to people. He doesn't. He gave free reign to Satan when man fell.

God is the one who allowed us to survive and get through the abuse and sadness! Without Him we would not have survived. He got us through.

Anyway, during service, I swear the pastor was talking to me.

Our parstor said that we can give God a gift this Christmas. "But," he said, "what can we give God that He hasn't first gave us? What can we give Him that He doesn't already have?" He went on to say, "We can give him all of our money but he doesn't need money. He blessed us with it in the first place. We can give Him all the gold but He already has streets made of that stuff. We can even give him our lives but He gave us that to begin with first. So, what can we possibly give Him that he didn't first give us?"

He paused for effect...

He said, "We can give Him our pain, sin, and messed up and imperfect lives. That is ONE thing He did NOT give us and that is the ONE thing He wants more than anything! To away our pain and make us whole in Him."

He said that God has already forgiven us. He knows us through and through and He knows our pain. He knows about the abortion, the affair, the deep and bad thoughts we think that we don't ever speak of, He knows it all and He wants us to give it all to Him. He then said He knows about the abuse and the pain and anguish we have carried all of our lives. He knows of the shame and guilt. I started to cry and right then when he asked us to close our eyes and stand if we wanted to be saved or give our lives back to God if we are one of the ones who have stepped away. I stood. I felt so silly crying. But it was a happy and thankful and relieved cry if that makes sense. A joyful cry!

I Take It All Back

And I found out several days ago that my dad has cancer... I don't know how bad yet... I was in such shock for a couple days and just cried and cried. Because as much as I am upset at my dad for all the things that have happened between him and I and his family... I still love him. We used to be best friends. And I know deep in my soul he didn't do the things he did with sexual intent... They were not good, they were 'weird' things, but he didn't have these gross motives behind them. He loves me so much. And when it comes to his friend r*ping me and my dad not doing anything about it... Well, that is just how it is... The physical stuff wasn't too often and it was when he lost his cool. I get it. It is easy to lose your temper... But it still hurt a lot, the things he did.

I do and I love him and there is much more that outweighs the bad... And I just can't forgive myself for how I have acted towards him the last few years... I hate myself... I do. I pray he is OK. I love him so much... So upset by all of what was happening... And now this...

To make it worse, no one at work understands why I am so jumpy... They all think it is funny... No one gets why I have such anxiety attacks or why I am depressed... If they only knew... If they knew why, maybe they wouldn't find it so funny. My PTSD symptoms are through the roof and I guess I just want someone to sit with me. I am not OK...

*Added*

I need prayers. Well, my dad does. He was diagnosed with cancer as you know. I've been telling him to go to the doctor for months... He finally did as you know. I am trying to remain positive. I know God is here with me and with him. He has this all covered, but I'm still scared. But The Evil One feeds off of fear, so I will pray and trust in God. But I ask for prayers. I have been working through a lot of things. I've come to realize what I know I've always known: my dad didn't have any bad intentions when he did the things he did. He never abused me sexually. Emotionally, he violated me and it had to do with his sexual frustrations and some other adult things. It was not right and it was selfish but he didn't do it to hurt me. In fact, I don't think he even knew it was wrong. I don't know how he couldn't have known... But I don't think he did. The physical punishment that happened was isolated and by the things he's said, he feels were justifiable. The "games" that we played that I loved but also found painful were just that: games. They bordered on being "sadistic" maybe. But he's not like that.. They weren't like that. I can't explain it. I guess he had a mean streak but he honestly loves me more than anything. And yeah, he failed to stop his friend from r*ping me and is still friends with him but that's my fault... In my fear and shame, I rather harshly yelled at him to stay away and go back to sleep (he couldn't see what was happening, he could only hear it)... He only listened to what I told him to do. And he thought that I was enjoying and wanting it I think... I am not even sure if he knew sexual stuff was going on for sure... he might have "had a feeling" but I don't think he was sure. I guess even though the last thing I wanted was for him to see me like that, at the same time I wanted him to help me. It's not even that really... It's that once he found out a few weeks later when I told him what happened, he didn't do a thing and is still friends with him. I guess I am just confused and feel very guilty too. He even said, most of the guilt is mine and I must face that. And now I have been so mean and vile to him the last few years... And weirdly, none of this matters to me and I just want him to be okay. I would kill myself if it would help him. I'd take his cancer if I could make him better. It's the least I could do. He and I used to be BEST friends. I lived for him. He was my purpose. I used to think when he would die, I would have to die too. I think I kind of planned on it. I just could not live without him. Because I didn't feel I was supposed to. I also didn't ever think I could move out and leave him. Looking back, it wasn't healthy I guess... And hunting was "our thing"... Well, since his friend r*ped me, it's been over a year since we've hunted together due to the fact that his friend is often down there (as they own land that borders each other's land). Now, I think I will make amends with his friend and go hunting with my dad if that is what my dad wants to do. I am not sure how I feel about it. I feel it is the right thing to do. We'll find out soon how my dad is doing. The doctor seems confident about it. God is here with us. All I know, is that I love my dad and oddly feel no ill feelings at all about any of my r*pes by any of the men who've hurt me over the years. In fact, I feel the blame. It was my fault. But that doesn't matter right now, my dad does.

It Keeps Adding Up (Part 2)

I sometimes have these semi-blackouts... I am not sure if it is really a blackout though.. It's like time loses all meaning and I just become not aware as much of what I am doing or what I have done... The blackouts are anywhere from a few seconds at a time to minutes and even up to an hour. Or maybe longer. I'm not sure. And like I said, it's not really a blackout per se, but like I keep becoming unaware of where I am and what I am doing and then time will like slip by and I don't notice it and I get lost... I guess I have kind of blackout out or lost time a few times maybe...? It feels like I used to feel when I smoked a ton of weed... When I look around, everything 'stutters'. Like time folds in on itself. And every few seconds it's like I forget where I am and I'm disoriented. And then right when I start to remember where or even who I am it happens again and then I am like, "Am I real? Where am I? What's happening?" It's like time means nothing. Lose all sense of time kind of. And I get tingly and it feels like I'm floating. I go numb...

I am not sure if it is "true" dissociation or not... I get very spacey and am not really all the way "present" and I feel fuzzy and like I am in a dream. I can't really explain it. It is weird. Sometimes I feel disconnected from reality momentarily and I just "go through the motions" of the day while I am in this "state". I even feel time slipping by. Sometime I will look at the clock and will be like, "Waaaaa?"

I will at times be talking and then just stop mid-sentence and not even know what I have been saying. People have to tell me what I have been talking about. Sometimes I can resume. Sometimes I just can't. It seems like a distant dream that I can't remember
.
A month ago or more, while at work, I went and turned a TV off and was walking around and then sat back down (so I have been told...)

Then, I asked one of the aids, "Why is the TV off?"

She looked at me weird and said, "Chantel, you just came out of the soiled utility room, sat down, stared at the TV for a bit, walked over and shut it off, and then walked around. It didn't look like you had anywhere in mind you were actually walking too. Your eyes were glazed over. Then you sat back down and just kind of came out of it and asked why the TV is off. Do you feel OK?"

I replied (this I remember), "I didn't turn it off. I have been sitting here this whole time."

"Um, no you haven't."

At first I got angry because I thought she was playing a trick on me but then the nurse at the time on that shift said that she watched me turn it off. Then the room began spinning. Or maybe it was me who was spinning (in my head)... After a while, I vaguely remembered "shutting off the TV"... But I didn't think that was reality. I don't remember doing it per se, but I remember dreaming about doing it... Or at least I thought it was a dream. It's like I watched through a foggy glass or something... But it didn't feel real at all and even then, it was hard to retrieve this memory that I thought was a dream. I even asked them if I was dreaming and if I was real... They said I was saying things that didn't really make any sense and that I just "left".
Then I would come back and ask, "Am I still here?" And as soon as I would ask that, I would "trail off" again... I do remember asking these things vaguely. I remember this happened in waves... Like it was so fast... So so fast. Cycling rapidly... it's hard to explain...

And so, I had saw my T a dew weeks ago and I told her about the blacking out. Have already told her before actually... But it's happened some more and there's new things... I just wanna be done with it all... I am so f***ing tired of it all.

She said it sounds like another part of me takes over at least part way... maybe... I don't f*cking know... Not like a whole other personality, but like a fragment or something... I mean, it is like I am looking through a frosted glass. I "remember" things but only after people tell me what I did... I don't even know if I remember it or if my mind is suggestive and fills in the blanks. Either way, it is like it was a dream. I could swear I dreamed it.... But in reality I guess it actually happened. And then it will happen again and again... Like I will be aware of what's happening to an extent and can control it to an extent. But it is a HUGE fight to try and remain in control and not just fade out. It is so taxing. Sometimes I just go away. And I don't get it. It's like I can remember snippets but it doesn't feel like me. It feels like it was a dream and didn't really happen to me. I am so f*cking confused...

She said thinks it could just be dissociation and that I am checking out. I am not sure. I guess "I" myself am not really in total control, but "I", the other me, (not an alter or personality, just a different aspect of me) kind of does whatever... Because I can influence what I do and even control it to an extent sometimes.

Honestly, the last several.months, I'll do things and not remember doing them. I found some clothes I don't remember buying in stores I don't remember going to. They were purchased a few months ago. But I know I bought them because my debit card was used. And I will talk to people and not remember talking to them or sometimes I'll just black out or something. Or it's like I can see myself talking and hear myself talking to people but am not actively engaged in it. It's like I am in a different realm I am underwater and invisible. I'm someplace else.

This is not at all normal...

It Keeps Adding Up (Part 1)

So, here are just some things that have been happening in the last month... I found out about the 4th and 5th bullet points within an hour or two of each other...

• Anni (of one of my r*pes) was this month and I am so glad December is almost over... Persistent panic attacks that cause severe repercussions... It's beginning to affect my job as a nurse... I can't have this right now... I just can't handle this all right now...
  
• Dissociation and PTSD have been through the roof!
  
• Work is stressin me out and triggerin me badly.
  
• Found out my aunt has a very aggressive form of lung cancer and is dying and now any talk of death makes me panic... I am so sad... My mom is upset... We didn't really even having a Christmas this year because she wasn't in the mood... Not that I got Christmas off anyway... I went in at 3 pm on the 25th and got off at 6 am on the 26th and had to be back in at 4pm that same day... I have yet to get any holiday off...
  
• My best friend (the one who hurt me on St Patty's Day... if y'all don't remember the whole St. Patty's Day ordeal you can read about it HERE) got pregnant and never even told me... I know we weren't talking, but this was the ultimate betrayal... I guess being best friends since we were 5 (so almost 17 years) means nothing to her... I mean, for f*cks sake... We were like sisters... Inseparable we were! We finished each others' sentences... Did absolutely everything together... We were always there for the other.
  
  We always talked about how when one of us would get pregnant, we would go shopping and be involved in the pregnancy somehow...
  
  Normally, I would have been one of the first people she called... Instead, I get told by my mom, who got a text from her (my friend's) mom... It just hurts so damn much...
  
  I just stared at my mom for a few seconds and then said, "Uh,.. oh... okay..." *Short Pause* cue tears....
  
  I gave her about a week or so to tell me herself... I wanted to give her the benefit of a doubt.
  
  But she never did... And so, I felt terrible not telling her something, because that would make me a bad friend... so I texted her "Congrats! Happy for you. When are you due?"
  
  "Who is this?" she replied.
  
  Thinking that maybe she changed her number and didn't tell me, I said, "It's Chantel. Is this not ______?"
  
  "Yes, it is... Sorry my phone's acting weird. I don't know yet. I have an appointment in 2 weeks... Keep this on the DL. No Facebook." (Yeah, her phone is acting "weird"... She obviously deleted me from her contacts... Or got a new phone and didn't put me in her new one...)
  
  "I wasn't going to." I said, sad... Almost in tears...
  
  "Just making sure." She said.
  
  And that was that... No thank you for my congrats... Not even a reason for her not telling me... I doubt she would have ever told me... I had to make the first move... And this was 2 weeks ago since we talked. I have not heard from her once... And I think it is over. Age 5: pre-K/kindergarten to 21 years of age... (I am now 22 but turned 22 not long after we stopped talking)... So 16, basically 17 years we have been best friends... And it is all over... It just doesn't seem real... I feel so hurt and betrayed. We have so many good memories... Gosh... F*cking b*tch... I wanted to demand why she didn't tell me... What the f*ck is her deal?!?! But I didn't I held my tongue and just internalized it...
  
• T has been really difficult... It just has been really cruddy...Triggered really badly, often... Dissociate... In T, while driving, at work... Yeah... Stinks...
  
• Oh, and I had my yearly female exam the other day.... It was awful and very triggering... Made my PTSD symptoms so much more worse... Like they weren't already... And I think she could see the scars on my legs... No, I KNOW she could. It would be impossible for her not to... She didn't say anything though... She could tell I was really upset and uncomfortable.... So she made it fast, which was nice of her... But I still hated it... F*ck this sh*t...
  
• Then I was triggered further with the thought of her seeing the scars and it just made me wanna c*t even more... How f*cked up is that?
  
• I just can't focus... Can't stay attentive to what I need to do. half the time I walk around not knowing what I need to do or just walk around barely knowing what I am supposed to do or where I should be... Gets me into trouble... Employer told me I needed to get my sh*t together..
  
• I am soooo jumpy... Everything scares me and makes me jump... It's awful...
  
• I am SUPER achy and in pain all over... I HATE it and have no idea why I am feeling like this... It's wearing me out.
  
• I have no patience (this is a "me" problem I think though)... I snap at anyone and everything. I cussed a fork out today for like 5 minutes for me dropping it... No joke. Poor fork, it wasn't your fault... People around me are suffering... EVERYTHING is making me mad. Literally...
  
• I am very pissed at myself because I have such a hard time saying 'no' to people. If I do say it, I feel very guilty and upset... There we are again, repeating childhood conditioning... Don't live for myself... (This was not explicitly told to me but it was implied by 'their' actions and how I was to treat my dad and yeah it doesn't matter...)

Puppet

A Puppet.
Controlled with wires and strings.
Opens its mouth when others tell it to sing.
A chiseled smile and painted eyes;
Built out of other's wicked lies.
Memories of yesterday
Compartmentalized and locked away.
The Little Girl is trapped inside
Yearning for freedom yet wanting to hide.
Only knowing the darkness that has her blind
The Little Girl one day happens to find
A Man dressed in a robe so white
That shone with pure light.
The Man begins to scrape away the layers of wood.
The layers hid The Little Girl from all that is good.
Then The Man opened The Little Girl's eyes
And said, "You are My Child. Now arise."
The Little Girl stepped out of the puppet's shell
And in awe and worship to her knees she fell.

Ritualized Abuse (Part 2)

Entry 2

 *This is going to be rambly. My head is all over and I can't think too well.*

So, to start off, as a child there was a lot of emotional/covert incest and possibly non-touching sexual abuse by my father. Well, maybe some touching 'down there' in that 'area'. He also pretended to pinch my (maybe he even did) nipples and boobs as a little girl and preteen and even some in my teen years but it was just playfully... But I don't think he meant it as bad. No, I know he didn't because he isn't sick like that. Besides I have to protect him. I HAVE to. I can't betray him. I am supposed to that's what they told me!   Whatever... but I am confused because I read that for something to be sexual abuse however, I guess the person has to do it with sexual intent. So, touching, if done innocently wouldn't be sexual abuse..? I am confused about this because it's hard for me to be upset and angry without knowing my dad's intent. I KNOW he loves me and would never mean to hurt me. He did take the belt to me as a kid sometimes but I don't know. It was traumatizing and very excessive and cruel at times I feel but he didn't want to hurt me. He also choked me once or twice. He wrapped his hands around my neck and I couldn't breathe or anything but I was an adult when this happened though so it's not like I was a child or anything. So it's not that bad right?

He liked to play mean and painful games that prevented me from having control of movement or well, any control. And he found it funny but they hurt. But I still liked them because I was stupid and young. Plus I got attention from my dad and I loved him so very much. One of the things was "See How Long You Can Take It" which was being tickled relentlessly without laughing or moving. You couldn't move at all or we would have to start all over. It tickled so much it almost hurt! I loved it and I hated it but then I just begged to stop but we couldn't until I had not moved. I failed over and over....

And then he would pinch HARD my tendons that sent like a sort of nerve shock through my body. It made me collapse. I can only describe it like a shock going straight through my neuro system. Not like an electric shock but then again it kind of felt like one. I have been shocked before by accident as a child and I can't describe how it felt exactly but it was similar in the sense that I felt this sharp pain that went along my tendon and it affected my nerves and just was crippling. A painful involuntary spasm. The primary one's being the tendons in my neck by my carotids, the ones behind my knees, and the one where your leg bend at the hip (right next to my v*gina). That hurt a lot but then he made it tickle some too... And then I laughed but partly due to being nervous maybe?

He and his family also brainwashed me in a sense. But they loved me and they weren't intentionally trying to hurt me. They couldn't have. They wouldn't have done that.. I don't think they knew what they were doing. But it caused unbearable emotional and psychological pain and confusion for me. I can't even begin to verbalize the pain. I really can't. You know the heartbreak that you felt when you broke up with a boyfriend or someone you love? Or the feeling when you lose someone you love? You know how it felt like you just couldn't go on with life? That intense ache. It's unbearable. Well, the pain psychological pain I felt was so much worse that any of that (and I have felt both of those things, more than once). The pain almost paralyzed me. It made me "learn" to hate my mom through them. They poisoned me. Anyway, that went on from early(ish) - mid childhood to mid teens. Along with the "sexual tinged" stuff from my dad. You see my dad, from a young age started getting me alone and told me terrible painful things about my mother that weren't even substantiated I don't think but I was just a little kid how was I to know? But I believed him. And he told me I was his special girl... We were best buds, pals. And I loved him with an intensity I can't describe. A loyalty. An understood agreement between the two of us and his family. One I was to keep at all costs... I had to. That was what they told me. My mind was so trashed. It was NOT natural but to me it was. His mother and sisters told me it was my duty to protect daddy from mom because she was evil and terrible. They would ask me if I really loved my dad I needed to protect him and make him happy. That meant holding him while he cried sometimes and I would be bawling because the person I love the most is in so much pain. I felt every bit of that pain. Every single bit... I don't get how they all got their pain, ideas, beliefs, and thoughts into me but they did, and I felt all of their pain plus my own. It was so horrible I even felt it physically. And then for my mom, they instilled a hatred so deep, that it still manifests itself sometimes deep down. It is always there. It is first response. I can't get it to stop or leave. They put it there in my head those assholes! But I can't call them that because they loved me and I loved/love them all so dearly and in every other aspect they were amazing. .... F*ck I get these two conflicting messages in my head from one side I hear this and then I remember I can't feel that way it't not right to betray daddy.....

But about the stuff with my mom again... Sorry for talking so much. I just, no one gets any of this mind manipulation shit.... I hope I am understood somewhere...

Anyway, The things my dad told me that my mom did were excruciatingly painful to hear (even as an adult, let alone child of 9, maybe younger). But as I got older the bitterness grew and festered and it was so deeply rooted that I even began to hate myself. I was so mean to my mom. Everything she did to get close to me I seemed to knock down. I wouldn't let her get close to me. I 'hated' her, but at the same time I felt bad because I loved her. Even now I am almost in tears remembering how I felt. All of these emotions are coming back. I was in such conflict all the time.) Nothing was real ever for me. I didn't even know how I felt. Who was the 'real me'? I didn't know whose emotions I was feeling... Grandma's? Dad's? Aunt's? Had they become mine? "What is wrong with me? You are a stupid, evil bitch?!" I often thought...

My mom would always ask me, "Why do you treat me like this Chantel? What have I ever done to you to deserve this treatment?!"

(I couldn't tell her what my dad was saying that made me hate her so. I had to protect him! He was my love and I just, I loved him so much it hurt. Literally. I loved him and had to protect him at all costs. That was my job! My duty! I didn't have an option...)

So I just said, "I don't know why I act the way I do mom. I am a f*ck up. I am a b*tch."

The whole time inside I was hating myself for hurting my mom because I really didn't hate her like I told myself... I loved her so much but I couldn't tell her why... So, I think that I just made myself believe that I really truly hated her as a way to cope... But I knew I was killing her inside (part of me hated hurting her and the other part loved it. I thought she deserved it for hurting my dad so much because he was my favorite). Looking back, I can see how I would have thought I hated her. I had such ANGER towards her for hurting my love... I had such resentment inside. I could not be nice to her. I just couldn't. I can't even explain it. I just can't and I am sorry...

The thing is, I never gave her a chance to tell me her side of the story. It somehow never dawned on me that she had a side to tell. I always just thought she was the bad guy and my dad was the angel. (Now that I am forcing myself to think about it; I can only imagine how confused my mom must have been to have at one point, had a child who loved her so much and then, BOOM change into this hateful little kid.) My mom and I honestly had a pretty good relationship until the "age of awakening".

Oh, and you know what the "funny" and crazy making thing was? During times when I was being horrific to my mom (which I have no excuse for honestly even though I was just a little girl); my dad would always ask, "Why do you treat your mom like this? Why are you so hateful? What is wrong with you?” He would be so mad at me and then I would have to try and come up with the right answer on the spot without giving him away. I was under so much pressure... I just I don't remember honestly. I think I just blocked a lot of the emotions out.

But it drove me so mad!!!! He and his family told me all this horrible crap about her and told me how hurt and bothered he was by her and expected me to not act otherwise?! All of the 'evil' stuff she had done... How was that not suppose to affect me for f*ck sake... I was a child!!! I couldn't f*cking process it, let alone know how to act towards her...) I don't honestly think they knew that they were doing was wrong... Which then makes me the guilty one for being angry. I wasn't supposed to be angry I was supposed to protect and I just need to punish myself when I get like this..... I am sorry I really am for being so horrible... And I am sorry for that tangent. That wasn't even half of the mind stuff but I can't do anymore right now it hurts me too bad...

Saying all of that wasn't supposed to happen. My hands kind of took over. I apologize. I wasn't supposed to say all of that.  

But here I am not able to f*cking stop eh? I just it is coming out and I really should not be saying any of this... But I feel compelled to...

And so, there is this memory that I realized I have always had but just somehow 'forgot' it? It was I remember something from when I was REALLY little. It is almost like it is in snapshots. It takes place in my old house. I moved from there when I was 4 so I couldn't have been very old.

I don't remember what happened or why I was in pain... Dad... That's why.

Somehow, it seems like I am naked? But it can't be real. It seems so unreliable. I barely know what happened I only have like 3 or 4 snapshots and then some feelings of pain and sadness and fear. Such hysterical fear-for-your-life type of fear. But maybe this was a dream. Maybe it didn't happen. I don't know...

But, like I said, it seems like I am naked somehow. It also seems like I am seeing myself. During some parts it is like I am actually viewing it out of my own eyes, but then other parts it's like I am watching a movie or just looking at pictures. Does that makes sense?

Anywho, in some parts of this it seems like I am crouching on a register (air vent) absolutely hysterical. I do remember (I think) doing that hiccup thing when you cry too much the sobs turn into spasms. I remember pain. Lots of pain. I am guessing the belt was involved.

Some reason it seems my mom is in the mix. Purple pajamas. Something about purple pajamas... Maybe she is wearing her purple pajamas? It seems like she was holding me. I am not sure when though.

I don't really remember anymore.

I am not even sure if this is real.

What could I have done to cause this? I was maybe 3? I had just turned 4 when we moved...

I wish I could know the whole thing so I could know what it is that I did...

I know I did something though. He was mad. He never did it without a reason. He wasn't mean like that. He is a good dad.

This type of treatment wasn't ALL the time.

He does love me... I know it.

But, again I doubt this is even real. I just have this feeling it is not how I thought it was. There is a reasonable explanation for this. There has to be. I did something bad. Maybe he didn't even hit me. I don't f*cking know...

Ritualized Abuse (Part 1)

What I have written below are excerpts from what I have written on online forums for survivors of sexual abuse and also from journals I have written in the past. So, if it seems like some of the below content is directed towards a certain audience (those on the forums), it’s because it probably is. Some of the content is dated, that is from my journal entries… but to make it easier to read, I will just split this all up into “entries”. I apologize; I know it’s a lot… But it is just something I need to dive into and give to you… We don’t have to talk about it all anytime soon, if ever really… Maybe we can someday, but I just need it out there… I need there to be some type of understanding: a base per se. Otherwise I will just forever beat around the bush… This is, of course, nowhere near all of it… But it’s a start…

Entry 1

So, just saying, this is going to be long.

I have survived ritualized abuse (not to be mistaken with ritual abuse). *There was a definition that I saw that said a broad definition was abuse that is done in a systematic manner or done in a ritualized way (like in repetitive and systematic abuse) often involving degrading sexual, physical, mental, and emotional abuse and mind manipulation. Military basic training, hazing, partner-battering, and spanking children can be seen as ritualized abuse. [broad definition].

I am not meaning occ*lt rituals. I just want this to be clear. I am NOT trying to invalidate anyone. Please know this. I am just merely trying to process the systematic abuse. And my friend said he seems very ritualistic in how he did it as did my dad and his family, maybe.*

He used a lot of manipulation and he conditioned me to react certain ways when he did or did not do certain things. And the ways he hurt me, it did it the same way and did the same things to trigger me to be dissociative before he did whatever it was he was going to do.

Also, as a child, my dad and his mom and sisters turned me against my mom and poisoned my small mind against her and made me believe that my purpose and duty was to please and protect my dad. I didn't live for myself. I didn't even ever focus on me as a child. My purpose was my dad. I was so sick. I AM so sick... I can't explain it all... It hurts a lot.

The psychological abuse was horrible and it forever altered my mind it seems...

You see, it was very ritualistic in how he abused me and followed through with the abuse and he [my ex] manipulated and controlled my mind. I began reacting like a robot almost in time from the things he did. He conditioned me or 'trained' me... So, I don't know how it was that he truly got me to think and perceive things as he wanted me to or how he got me to react the way he wanted to... Well, it was through abuse but still, that just doesn't seem to cut it? I don't know... I guess I have been told it was gas lighting and is a "form" of mind control or at least an aspect or facet that is used in it.

I am hoping to find even a small trace of validation even if it is knowing (or not knowing) what happened to me and what exactly to call it... Either way I will be one step closer to the truth...

Oh, and I wasn't a child either when this part of my abuse happened. I was ages 17-19. There were times when I was a child that my dad and his family (unknowingly/unintentionally caused harm, but I know that they would never have meant to hurt me on purpose) but they controlled my mind from an early age and it hurt soooo bad. It still has left me f*cked up in the head although I am trying to break through the lies.... I will maybe share that too while I am here. Sorry... I just wanted to put it here to just in case and because someone said (and I have always felt in a way) that it was ritualized and VERY intentionally done to gain control of me...

Okay, here we go:

I know it is not as sadistic as many others have experienced ... Hell, I am not even sure if it is sadistic at all. I am not sure what it was or what to call it... I don't freaking know...

Hugs and comments GREATLY appreciated.

February 25, 2013

"I feel he was a sadist in an emotional sense. He got enjoyment out of making me suffer emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. It felt tortuous... Which is why I wrote what follows... Please tell me if this does not being here... I will remove it.

He would torture me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and he would physically abuse me and then he would expect me to have sex... I was semi-dissociated sometimes... He an*lly r*ped me once too. So much blood. And he v*ginally r*ped me more times than I am even sure of. He'd pull my hair and he would batter me verbally until I was a compliant shell of a human being too afraid and "out of it/zoned out" to fight him or even really care what was happening... Don't get me wrong, I cared but, I can't explain it, I kind of gave up and was resigned to what he was doing to me and what he was going to keep doing too me. I loved him. I was his amusing toy he could manipulate and abuse and get pleasure from… plus he knew I loved him and he used it against me. That and my age. I was 17 and he was my first boyfriend. I never saw at home what a relationship was supposed to really be like... But that is another story entirely…"

March 30, 2013.

"I remember some other things. But I am not sure they fit here since they didn't happen while being sexually assaulted. But, I will list them anyway.

I remember him choking me once it was on Easter. 4 years ago. I was 17. He put my on the ground or, I don't remember how I actually got there... But he wrapped his hands around my neck and he choked me. I started to blackout. My vision became tunnel-like and it got smaller and smaller if that makes sense. Anyway, I figure it was due to both inhibited blood flow to my brain and lack of oxygen. He all the sudden stopped and freaked out and started crying saying how sorry he was. He told me that he deserved me leaving him. He did it in a way that made me feel bad for and sorry for him. I was the one who ended up comforting him!!!! What the hell was wrong with me?!?!?

Very often he did things like:

Pushing me into walls
Pushing me onto his bed
Pushing me to make me fall
Pinning me to walls, his bed, wherever
He pulled and dragged me by my hair...
He pushed me into the bathroom door once thinking it was latched but it wasn't and I fell through it and hit my head and back on the bathtub. That hurt!
He called me the most dehumanizing names. He got into my head and convinced me that I deserved it somehow and that it was completely justified and my fault. I really did feel like an animal sometimes... I truly thought it was my fault. I don't see how but I did. And to an extent a part of me still does...

He would follow me around sometimes and I would get kind of freaked out. He would interrogate me or something along those fashions but with some physical stuff mentioned above to get me all scared and zoned out and with the threats of "bad stuff" I just somehow knew he could and probably would do...

He did so many awful psychological (mental, emotional, spiritual) things, physical things, and sexual things. He loved the power of me being powerless. It tripped his trigger.

There were so many other things. It's impossible to remember them ALL.

April 4, 2013

"I have no idea how he did this... But he sometimes had me convinced I was crazy!

Sometimes after he would hurt me (either physically, emotionally/mentally, spiritually, whatever) he would literally have me convinced that I was crazy. It was the weirdest thing ever. I was sure that I knew what had just happened but he assured me that I was remembering it wrong or that I was making it up somehow. It took awhile before I got to the point where I doubted my own sanity. I think that the abuse and manipulation have to be somewhat recurrent in order for it to progress to this. At least that is how it was for me it seems.

See, when the abuse first started happening, I was sure of myself. After he did something hurtful to me, whatever that something was, I knew without a doubt that it did indeed take place. I may have rationalized it and made excuses for him and been in denial, but I still knew that it had taken place. And it didn't matter how many times after the incident he told me that I was making it up. I knew it truly happened. But after some period of time (a few months) and after repeated abuse and reassurance from him that I was making it up and that I was crazy in the head, I guess I started believing it? I can't tell you when exactly it happened.

But I think I have an idea of one of the techniques he used to get me to comply to how he wanted me to view the situation: conditioning. I hope that it is OK to use the term 'conditioning'. If not, I am sorry. But those are the only words I can really think of... or maybe 'trained'? I really don't know... Sorry. The thing is, it's still there. In my head I still react how he wants me too. 4, almost 5 years later.

So, this is how it usually went down. He would usually tell me one of these two things:

He would tell me that I "made" him do what he did and that I was taking it out of context. That he was doing it out of concern and love and was only trying to teach me how to act so he could help me. (This is primarily what he used when the abuse first started to occur. He said it in such a way that it sounded like he truly cared. This is how I explained away his behavior and remained in denial. I told myself if only I hadn't of done this or that.)

I think that I knew deep that I didn't "make" him do anything, but I loved him... I wanted to believe him. I was so f*cking stupid...

Then he would hug and tell me how much he loved me and I would say the same, now somewhat reassured that he did in fact love me.

Then we would go and do something fun and he would be the nicest boyfriend ever. I 'forgot' that anything had even happened.

Eventually, (about 8-10 months into the relationship, and I am assuming once he saw that I was mentally 'pliable') he progressed to telling me that I was crazy and that nothing at all happened.

At first, I was resistant to this and I would sometimes say something like, "No, I know what happened. You just pushed me not even 5 minutes ago. I am not making that up. You just did it. I am not crazy."

This would piss him off. He would be adamant I was indeed not remembering it right. (Yeah, like I could forget how/what happened in a period of minutes lol.)

The more and more he told me I was remembering it wrong, the more aggressive he became. His demeanor was threatening. He would shove me just a little bit to where I lost my balance but didn't fall completely over, he would tower over me and scream terrible things at me and squeeze my arms with his hands until my arms started to hurt. He had this horrible look in his eyes.

He would again tell me that I was misconstruing everything. He would say that he would NEVER hurt me because he loved me so much.

Then he would take my arms and wrap them around his neck and he would hug me really hard. Too hard. It was sometimes difficult to breathe and I was scared because I felt smothered and trapped. But I couldn't get away because he wouldn't let me go until he was done hugging me. It was on his terms.

But I just HAD to get free. I felt so anxious.

So, I tried to get free because I was feeling scared and mad and I would say, "Let me go! I want to go home!

He would then get mad again and push me on the ground, or up against the wall, or on the bed...

He would block the door and not let me leave. He would say, "You aren't going anywhere yet. Now, I really AM sorry for having to do that but I was just trying to give you a hug. Come here." - Then he would again pick me back up and hug me. Except this time I wouldn't fight it. I didn't feel anything at all. I was blank. I was like a zombie and I just was 'playing the part'.

I don't really know what happened after this would take place. Maybe he let me leave? I don't remember. It happened so often. There were so many other things he would do. There were times he wouldn't let me do things unless he said so or felt it was OK. If I went against it, he would physically hold me "captive" almost by blocking his door and he had this cold and evil, almost primal, look in his eyes. I would be so scared... He LOVED it! WTH?!?!

I feel bad for complying... I feel like I allowed it. And I feel so dumb that I honestly did believe that I was at fault and crazy.

Part of me thinks it was just safer to agree with him and go along with him in believing that nothing happened, but I can't be sure.

And honestly, looking back, I think that deep down, I knew the truth. At least in the back of my mind. I knew what he had done. But not agreeing with him would have been worse and I loved him so much and wanted to believe him so badly. So, I did. I began to believe that maybe, just maybe I was mixing everything up.

So, these types of things began happening so often... Sometimes multiple times in a day. I just stopped feeling and I agreed with him. It was like a natural response. And he KNEW he 'trained' me to be like that. But at the time, I had no idea that he even was training/conditioning me... I just, I was so f*cked up in the head... Honestly I didn't even know what was what any longer. Sometimes it was like I didn't even know who I was anymore... It sucked. I still don't get it.

But there were other times that I expected him to be awful and he treated me so awesome. Like he had in the beginning when I first met him. He acted like the guy I fell in love with. And I would be confused and I would think, "Finally! He is back!" and then I would let my guard down... And then he would hurt me again.

He would tell me that nothing happened and that I was just misconstruing everything. He would then say that even if something hypothetically did happen, it was because I provoked him and that he would NEVER do anything unless I gave him a reason.

But he REALLY did love me at one point. In the beginning of the relationship. He had to of. What is wrong with me? I feel crazy all over again.

I just can't get over how I obeyed him! I listened and reacted how he wanted me to.

It just happened. I didn't even know that this is what was happening! Not to this extent anyway!

When I reacted to the abuse (after prolonged exposure) it was like a reflexive natural thing I did. And HE caused it.

Are there different degrees of conditioning or control of the mind or mental manipulation? Or is it something else entirely? Again, I am not trying to make anyone mad or offended nor am I trying to invalidate or discredit or lessen what has happened to you all. I am just so lost and mixed up still... Been doing so bad lately.

Even now, I catch myself not wanting to believe it and I find myself making excuses for him.

And when I talk about what he did, I get terrified. He said he'd bash my brains in with a crow bar if I ever told again because he was tired of me making "lies" up about him.

Lately I've been seeing him places. I get so internally panicky. Heart races. Mind races. Uuuuuugh. And I have been really struggling lately with the feelings of panic, dread, irritability, racing heart, trouble breathing, and hands shaking and trembling. And very often I have an overwhelming feeling of dread. I've been hyper-sensitive and very jumpy like I'm always on guard. Everything seems to startle me. And these feeling aren't always when I'm triggered either; sometimes it seems to happen out of nowhere. But lately, more often than not, it is a persistent feeling/reaction I'm having. Also, it seems that my mind is constantly going over and over about the abuse that has happened to me. Like internally in my mind it happens on a loop sometimes. I can feel the emotions I was feeling at the times of the r*pes or there was even a few times several months ago a few weeks after the last r*pe occurred where I could actually physically "feel" it happening. I know that makes no sense though.I'm having trouble concentrating and staying focused and everything seems to get me riled up, anxious, or pissed. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to go crazy. Everything gets fuzzy and I sometimes feel far away. And now anytime I talk about what's happened to me (the r*pes, abuse, and just all of the bad stuff that's happened), even if it's just typing it on the computer, I start to shake and/or my heart races and I begin to feel what I listed above.

But I do find it odd, I know in my heart that what he did was wrong but still try and talk myself out if it sometimes. And even though I know it was him, not me, I still feel the fear that he instilled in me and that he trained me to feel and react to in the way(s) he wanted me to react.... And it won't leave even though I know he is not hurting me any longer. It's like a physiological and mental response. It just happens.

Why?

How?"

That's the end of that... But I was thinking, perhaps the reason (other than that I truly did love him) was that I desperately wanted to please him... More than anything I wanted him to be the guy I fell in love with and I wanted to do anything to make him love me... That makes it my fault... Also, I think part of the reason I felt like this was due to what my dad and his family did. I was told as a child up into my teens (16 or so) that it was my purpose to protect and serve my daddy and make him feel better. And he loved me so much and in such an intense way. He loved me and talked to me the way you would talk to a lover or best friend... He always (and still does) introduce me as his daughter, pal, buddy, best friend... And I loved him also with that much intensity. It was sexually tinged and I am so gross and dirty. I was used but I am still gross and nasty. They put their ideas in my head. They poisoned me against my mother. Something so deep that even now it is still in there. Nothing will make it go away. I think that what they did maybe set me up for this. And all of the other r*pes that have happened... Anyway, sorry for this tangent. I will post maybe more about my dad and his sh*t after I post this if that's OK that is...

Again, I KNOW I apologize too much but I can't help it... It is one of those things that I chronically do and have no clue as to why...

Last night (9/21/13) and early morning today (9/22/13) mark the 1 year anniversary...

(I wrote this last night [9/21/13] around 8:00 pm)

And tonight, in a few short hours, is the night (of one of my many anniversaries). It's been 1 year. And who besides me (in RL) remembers? Who even cares? Maybe I don't even care... but that's a lie. And where are you dad? Betraying me again? Right now, you are sleeping where "it" took place. You are in the same room with the same man on the same night 1 year later... Drinking with him more than likely... And here I am... By myself at home drinking... Again. And I don't even care right now that I am breaking sobriety. I really don't give a f*ck even though I know that I should...

You make it hard to forgive you. But God knows I have to. Because God says I should... And because I love you. Despite the sh*t you have done to me yourself and despite the betrayal you have showed when it comes to your loyalty to your friend... 

Heck, you KNOW about what happened... You were THERE in the same room... I know I told you I was OK and told you to go back to sleep... But that was due to my overwhelming sense of shame and embarrassment... It was due to there being weapons all around and my fear that someone would end up dying... It was due to the fact that there was an 11 year old child in the room asleep... I didn't want to traumatize him or put him in danger... But, I have been told that you STILL, as a father, should have done something... I have been told that you should be livid at your friend for what he did... I have been told that even if it had been consensual, you STILL should be livid just for the fact that he would betray your "friendship" by doing something with your daughter, consensual or not... But dad, it wasn't consensual... And I worried myself sick for weeks before telling you because yet again, I WAS LOOKING OUT FOR YOU... I didn't want to hurt YOU by telling you what your friend did to me... I didn't want to cause you to lose your friendship... I didn't want you to go off the deep end and do something that would cause you to go to prison for... But all of that worrying was for nothing because you didn't even care when I told you. Well, you cared a little but you are still friends with him dad... I just figured you would care... I just figured you loved me enough... And after all of the sh*t you have done to me, I kind of felt like you owed me this... But maybe not... I guess you don't owe me anything...

(This was written today [9/22/13] after church)

So, today at church, I had to run out of the sanctuary really fast. Was gone for about 20 minutes maybe? I ended up sitting in the hallway, knees tucked up to my chin, shaking and trying to breathe right. Then I felt really "not all the way there". Have been feeling bad off and on all day long... Luckily there is a really amazing woman who I was able to talk to who brought me back to reality somewhat. Thank you Jesus for her. And thank you Jesus for Xanax...

Heartbroken and Grieving/ Severe Anxiety/ Support Needed

This is my dog Lucy when I was 8 years old. She was 6 months old. The next one is her with one of her MANY "bears". And this next one is me just smiling at her looking at something out the window.
RIP baby, I will miss and love you forever. *cue tears* 

***So, this is something I think I am going to let my T and my mental health NP (my medication prescriber) read when I see them next. It's been like 2 months or more since I last saw them. I am going insane and something is REALLY wrong with me. I think I need a referral to a psychiatrist.***

I have been really struggling lately with the feelings of panic, dread, irritability, racing heart, trouble breathing, and hands shaking and trembling. And very often I have an overwhelming feeling of dread. I've been hyper-sensitive and very jumpy like I'm always on guard. Everything seems to startle me. And these feeling aren't always when I'm triggered either; sometimes it seems to happen out of nowhere. But lately, more often than not, it is a persistent feeling/reaction I'm having. Also, it seems that my mind is constantly going over and over about the abuse that has happened to me. Like internally in my mind it happens on a loop sometimes. I can feel the emotions I was feeling at the times of the r*pes or there was even a few times several months ago a few weeks after the last r*pe occurred where I could actually physically "feel" it happening. I know that makes no sense though.
I'm having trouble concentrating and staying focused and everything seems to get me riled up, anxious, or pissed. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to go crazy. Everything gets fuzzy and I sometimes feel far away. And now anytime I talk about what's happened to me (the r*pes, abuse, and just all of the bad stuff that's happened), even if it's just typing it on the computer, I start to shake and/or my heart races and I begin to feel what I listed above. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I was going over in my mind things that have happened to me. I wanted to list them out, what happened, and how I felt so I could just get them sorted out and unscrambled from my mind. Maybe all of the stuff that has happened to me has just added up and has caused me enough scarring to feel like this now. I don't know. I just know I can hardly function anymore and it is impeding with my everyday life and work and I am scared I may lose my job if I am not careful.

So, to start off, as a child there was a lot of emotional/covert incest and possibly non-touching sexual abuse by my father. But for it to be sexual abuse however, I guess the person has to do it with sexual intent. So, touching or "almost touching" if done innocently wouldn't be sexual abuse..? I am confused about this because it's hard for me to be upset and angry without knowing my dad's intent. I KNOW he loves me and would never mean to hurt me. He did take the belt to me as a kid sometimes but I don't know. It was traumatizing and very excessive and cruel at times I feel but he didn't want to hurt me. He also choked me once or twice. He wrapped his hands around my neck and I couldn't breathe or anything. I was an adult when this happened though. So it's not like I was a child or anything. He liked to play mean and painful games that prevented me from having control of movement and he found it funny but they hurt. But I still liked them because I was stupid and young. Plus I got attention from my dad and I loved him so very much.
He and his family also brainwashed me in a sense. But they loved me and they weren't intentionally trying to hurt me. I don't think they knew what they were doing. But it caused unbearable emotional and psychological pain and confusion for me. It made me "learn" to hate my mom through them. They poisoned me. Anyway, that went on from mid childhood to mid teens. Along with the "sexual tinged" stuff from my dad.

My grandpa emotionally and verbally abused me and tormented me from toddlerhood or younger until I was 13 or 14.

Then when I was 17 (2008-2010) I was in an abusive relationship. He was 19 when it started and 22 when it ended. There was gas lighting/mind control and manipulation, physical abuse, emotional, mental, and verbal abuse, and multiple r*pes, an*l r*pe, and sodomy. He also choked me once and I thought I was going to die! I loved him though. The thing was, I never knew what to expect from hi. He could be nice and loving or cruel and sadistic. He kept me guessing and was always changing it up so I wouldn't know how to react or what to expect. It was like he was trying to alter my perception of reality: what was real and what was not. He would tell me I was remembering things wrong and that I was crazy. He would say that he did NOT just do what I was saying he did. He did that enough times (along with physical abuse and verbal threats to reinforce his point) that I began to believe him and question my own sanity. I can't explain the mental mind control. It was horrid. Still, I loved him dearly and even for the longest time after we broke up I viewed it as my fault. I still do sometimes. I live in the same town as him so I see him around sometimes. In fact, a couple years ago after we had been broken up for several months, he called me and was very angry that I had told someone what he did to me because after all, it was a lie… He said if he ever saw me and heard that I was telling these lies, he would bash my head in with a tire iron. I wouldn't put it past him either… I almost completely shut down when I see him. Just typing this is making my heart race and has me feeling light headed.

Then when I was 20 I was digitally r*ped by a different boyfriend's best friend. He was 22. I was drunk and high. He made me feel so disgusting... The things he did to me… The things he made me say… I relive that a lot… All the time I see or hear things that trigger me and send me back to there. That was in December of 2011.

Then in September of 2012, my dad's best friend digitally r*ped me and made me do things to him. He did so many sickening things to my body; including peeing all over my body while I was passed out. I was so drunk. My dad was there while it happened too and heard it happening I found out some weeks later. But in his defense, he asked me what was happening and I was so terrified of him seeing me like that that I just panicked and begged him to not come over to where it was happening… I still didn't think he knew I was being r*ped or doing anything sexual for that matter. I was wrong. He knew full well. But he listened to my request, so that's my fault for not allowing him to help me. He is still best friends with him too. This makes me feel betrayed somewhat. He says however that I am the one who betrayed him!!! I still don't get his rationale for that one!

But most recently, the last straw is that my best friend, my dog, died almost a month and a half ago on May 28th. It was awful. I am an RN and just recently got a job at a nursing home and that alone is stressful enough! Well, my dog ended up dying on my first day of work at this nursing home. I was to go into work at 7am for my first day of orientation. At 4:30am my dog was acting fine. I let her out to potty and she ate her breakfast. She was happy and was running around. Then at 5am she just let out this awful wail went stiff and was shaking. I thought she was having a seizure (but really most likely had a stroke) and then she went limp and stayed that way. Then she began having agonal breathing and periodically would let out this loud horrible bawl. She would make sucking noises at the air and try so hard to breathe but she couldn't and I couldn't do a thing for her. I felt so helpless. I held her for while and then my dad took me and her to the vet after I called them with an emergency vet call. While my dad was driving, she was heaving and suffocating. Towards the end her body was spasming and she was making those horrible screams again and then she just stopped. The vet met us there but at 6am she had already died in my arms. I was in such shock. I was hysterical and yet I could not believe it. I still went into work though at 9am that same morning. I was in a state of shock all day so I don't remember much of the day except how painful it was and how unreal it all felt. It still hurts but I have grieved so much by this point. The part that hurt the worst was the shock of it all. I have accepted it now and can look at all the good times we had.
She was my best friend. She was my only friend all my life. I got her when I was 8 and she was only 6 weeks old. She picked me. I didn't pick her. When I went to the farm to get a puppy, she ran up to me and followed me everywhere. I bet I walked all over that farm and I could not get away from that puppy (not that I wanted to). None of the other puppies really cared about me. They all wanted their momma, but she didn't; she wanted me. I would go and put her back with the litter and then would walk away but later I would look by me and there'd she be walking along side me looking up. I swear she was smiling. I still had not yet picked a puppy. She picked me. I didn't even have to pick a puppy. We connected just like that. Our connection was so strong. It was instantaneous. We were inseparable ever since. She got me through so much. I don't know if I would be alive without her honestly. I loved her so much. I have never loved anything so much. I just can't explain the level of intensity our friendship and love was for each other. We "got" each other. We did EVERYTHING together. Literally. There was not a time growing up when we were not together. She was the only childhood friend I really had and has kept me sane all of these years. She was a true blessing from God.
She would have been 14 on the 30th of this month too. I will always love her. I got her cremated and have her ashes now.

Lastly, just trying to learn this job and not having any idea about what is going on. I can't concentrate on anything and everything scares me and I am so jumpy and nothing "clicks" in my mind anymore... I can't grasp or retain anything and I am so confused all the time and feel like I am constantly fearful and just plain panicky. I feel like I am in a state of hyper vigilance. I feel like I am unraveling. I just wish I were dead some days. I really do.

Oh, and on the 1st of this month, I relapsed and got SUPER wasted and I SI'd REALLY bad. I hardly even remember hurting myself and do not even remember why I did it or what I was feeling. But it's all up my right thigh. Like 4, 10" long cuts. I also SI'd on my left wrist too.

I am so stupid.


__________________Update__________________

I went to T for the first time in like 2 months. She says I fit the criteria in the DSM-IV for PTSD. I was wondering... and she confirmed it. I just have felt so off. Very spacey, out of it, floaty, and far away very often. I dislike this. Sooooo jumpy and on edge.
*Sighs*
Now I am to go in to see my med doc. Time to tell her what I've been feeling and what Kim said about the PTSD symptoms. Also, I think I need different meds...
Will take hugs if anyone feels generous.
Blessings to you all! <3

What I wrote for 'National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week', (September 10-16) in 2012

I was diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) in 2000 when I was 9 years old. I showed signs of having it at a much earlier age but it is sometimes hard to differentiate between normal childhood inattentiveness and hyperactivity versus true ADHD. I also struggle with depression and anxiety (they play hand-in-hand with ADHD), PTSD-like symptoms, and OCD symptoms (haven't been diagnosed yet).

It had always been hard for me to follow even the simplest of instructions; not because I wasn't smart or didn't know how but because my brain couldn't slow down enough to even hear the whole set of instructions. I would only get bits and pieces of information at a time because my attention would wander off and on, thus getting me into trouble. I could NOT pay attention if my life depended on it. While all the other kids were outside at recess I was inside doing homework or sitting in time out because I also was always getting into trouble. I would blurt out answers or talk when I wasn't supposed to. It made the other kids not like me. I was different. I got made fun of a lot. I didn't like being the weird and annoying kid. I tried so hard to pay attention but my mind just wouldn't let me. I couldn't help it. Simple basic math homework of 15 question multiplication problems proved to take me hours and I would stay up bawling all night long because I thought I had to be the stupidest kid in the world. I had no self-worth or friends to speak of and the teachers were terrible to me. That all changed!

I got on medicine when I was 9 and it made such a difference! My C’s and D’s turned into almost all A’s and occasional B’s. Of course it took a lot of different medication changes to find my niche but I am so thankful! I also used behavioral therapy to help train my impulsiveness due to the ADHD.

I still have problems with ADHD in adult life though as it will be a life long struggle I am afraid. My grades did improve and I found out how smart I really was and that I am NOT stupid, but still I struggle with the social aspect of it now. I still am perceived as the “weird” one and frankly I don’t have too many friends and I think that is one of the worst parts of this/these illnesses: loneliness and rejection.

Unfortunately, I also have anxiety and depression. The depression can be really bad at times. The anxiety causes panic attacks. The anxiety is brought on by different things: racing thoughts from the ADHD, circumstantial stressors/triggers brought on by trauma (which leads to the PTSD-like symptoms)... It's all just  linked together I think.

It really bothers me when people tell me to just “stop acting like that” and that I use it as a crutch because I do NOT. I don’t like having this. If I had to choose between a visible or invisible illness I would choose visible because at least I would be believed and get the support and validation that I need to keep going through the day when I become discouraged. Support makes such a difference. I read my Bible when I become discouraged. Philippians 4:13 is one of my favorite verses (among many) that helps me in life.

I chose to be involved in NICIAW because I wish to bring awareness to these types of illnesses. Just because a person has no physical indication that they are ill does not mean that they aren’t. I hope that the stigma associated with mental health illnesses and other illnesses that cannot be seen with the eyes one day lifts and is recognized and validated. I want it to be that we will no longer be seen as the “weird” or “crazy” ones because our illnesses cannot be seen; we will be seen for what we are: human beings deserving of support and understanding. Blessings to all of you