The Mind of Someone Else

The Mind of Someone Else

*Story Teller*

How does one explain this?

Can you open your eyes and see?

Bad things happen in this world;

Things that should never be.

So stop a moment to gather

The thoughts inside your head.

Step on a different path of life

Of Someone Else instead.

*Someone Else*

How can I explain this?

Can I help you see?

I once was a smaller form;

A child with a desperate plea.

Fear enveloped being,

Wrapped in other’s hate;

Creating inside myself:

Rage. Guilt. Shame.

I grew up despite this,

Thinking I was free.

Living day-to-day

Surviving in a dream.

An alternate reality

Where Other’s took my place

Allowing me to survive the pain.

This was a gift of grace.

*Someone Else: Internal World*

Foggy void, voices heard

Drifting in, no more words

Space and time unravel, unwind:

Sitting behind the Third.

But once inside, I look out

At a new world and I watch birds.

Beings that are beautiful and true

Distractions from the reality

Of forced agony with you…

*Someone Else: The Change*

Now I feel I can explain it.

Finally, I can see!

No longer a small child

But a woman who can be free!

Freedom from guilt, shame, fear, and rage.

All of those are from yesterday.

And admittedly still, I feel the pain

But it doesn't have to control Me today.

I can live out my life untarnished

With my Guide, my Love, and my Light unharnessed.

What's Been Coming Through

For a while in my life the last few years, off and on, there was some beautiful moments of repose. The last of which was several months ago. Don't get me wrong, I have always been struggling, but it was at least do-able. I actually thought I was starting to 'get over' this stuff. I guess it was just wishful thinking.

Or maybe it was just me thinking, "Wow. Can it really be this easy? Is it finally over?!"

But then the answer to that question came pounding hard on the door of my brain... The answer I was so hoping would never come to me... I find myself thinking, "Why did I even ask that?! Did I jinx myself?"

But in all actuality, I know that it was never over. I just had some periods where it didn't hurt as bad. I am not sure of the reasons. I guess they don't really even matter really. All I know is that I can't keep hiding with my head in the sand. I have to face this pain. I have to face reality:

I. WAS. R*PED (as an adult and teen countless times). I WAS ABUSED AND TORTURED EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY (as a child).

I have a feeling that I was even hurt in ways I may not be aware of. I have reasons for this... I do.
I have been becoming more aware of things and they point to a possible truth. I can't be sure yet, so I won't say 'yes' or 'no' to the question, "Did this happen to me?" or "Was I abused as a young child and just blanked it out?" or "Was there sexual abuse in my childhood?"
Perhaps I'll never know the answer to this, I don't know...

What I DO know however is the things I have been experiencing.

But before getting into that, I feel I should explain some other things first. I met this guy. I love him. We are living together and looking for somewhere to move. I am happy with him. He treats me with respect and loves me for who I am. I didn't know guys were this kind to women.

He is able to make connections with the spirit world. He is able to obtain higher levels of consciousness. I too have done this throughout my life but not to the extent that he has. He has been trying to help me heal by methods of metaphysics and meditation. He is able to hear and talk to my subconscious. He talks to C.C. (a child part). He says things have happened to her. I of course cannot believe this as 100% true because I haven't experienced that. He has even told me that he is not going to tell me what did or did not happen. He can suggest things and tell me what C.C. said (with her permission I would hope) but he wants me to come to the conclusions myself. It may take years... And that thought terrifies me.

Now for the things I have been experiencing that cause me to question my childhood experiences...

• Random body pains that seem to come out of no where (wrist pain, ankle pain, long bones, joints, v*gina, an*s, and other things like that)

• INTENSE emotions that come out of no where (or at least seem to): the worst of these are the guilt, shame, and anger

• The anger is more of a seething and it is so overpowering, all I can do sometimes is pace around and grunt like an animal. When this happens I want to hurt myself REALLY badly. I want to kill myself, I want to not eat. I want to do anything that will punish me for the feelings I am having. And I want to hurt myself for the guilt and shame I feel. I usually feel all these things at the same time and cycle back and forth, It's so unbearable. And I wish I could verbalize to him how truly unbearable these feelings and pains I get are, but I can't find the words to describe the horror of them... I am beginning to wonder if they aren't latent emotions that are now coming back to be processed.

• I will get these 'flashes' in my head of something but as soon as I 'see' it, it's gone. Usually this puts me in a dissociative state followed with a severe headache.

• Second nature reactions I have: ingrained thought patterns... "It's my duty to make people feel good." "I have to have sex even if I don't want it: Fake it to make it." "I am a bad bad girl." "I am revolting and unworthy of happiness." things along those lines...

• Suicide/self-injury triggers that cause me to feel like I HAVE to hurt myself or kill myself. It's about nearly impossible sometimes to NOT do what I feel I am being compelled to do. It's almost as if someone pushes a "suicide" or "self-injury" button inside my head/system and it sets off a chain reaction that has been put there on purpose... I doubt this makes any sense... And it's not just suicide or self-injury buttons; there are also other triggers or 'switches' that cause me to switch or regress to a different state and it doesn't matter how much reorienting I do, I am in this state of being and feeling terror and disgust. Sometimes I feel like vomiting because it's so terrible.

I have so much more to say but I can't keep going... This is killing me. I am so tired all the time. I feel tired in every way one can feel tired. I am so upset about all of this. And I wish I could just do what my boyfriend tells me to do, but what he doesn't understand is that a lot of these things are uncontrollable for me. I literally have no say so over what I feel. And no matter how many times I tell him, "It's not that easy." he doesn't get it. Not 100% anyway. God knows he tries and I thank him for that, but I can't expect him or anyone else for that matter to know what this is like. I wish no one knew what this was like. It is torture...

Thanks for reading this if you even got this far... Support and comments appreciated. Blessings and healing vibes to you all.

Is This Me?

This is a picture of my brain I did while inpatient. *Note* Not all parts are there. Only what I sensed at the time. This is very new to me. 

I've been drinking A LOT lately. Smoked weed, a lot of it. It was really good, but I did feel guilty at the same time only because I'm a nurse. I have been popping pills. I need to stop. I don't see a problem with weed in all actuality. Only the negative connotations society has placed upon it and as a nurse I need to be careful.

And been self-injuring a lot lately too: burning.
Scars litter my body - proof of the pain I hold inside. Some of which I'm not even aware of.

The insiders who live with me in my brain hold it. Each of us hold this freaking pain as our own little proof that we're real. Not much of anything to hold onto really, but hey, it's ours.

Sometimes I hate living and I get mad at C.C. - AKA: Small One. She's so stupid and small and pathetic. I am not sure of her age, but it varies from age 3 to about 10. It is like she has different ages too. Like she herself split off from there. A split within a split.

There is Angry One aka Rage. She gets on her rampages and it's frightening. The rage is uncontrollable and oftentimes when I am in 100% control, I can feel her rage leaking into me and it influences how I act. It makes me mean. And I truly hate being mean. I don't know why I am so mean. I don't get why she is so mean.

Miss Spacey is ever-present causing poor concentration to leak through to me and there always the threat of a spur of the moment dissociative attack. She is yellow. I can feel her color. Sometimes I feel yellow just wash over me. I can almost taste it.

The Fixer wants to do just that: fix things. It breaks her heart when she can't. But that's what she was trained to do since she was a small child. That was her role. Make daddy feel better. Hold it inside... Can't show it. We can't show it. Can't let it be known... No one can know... Make people happy. Keep them safe and give them love. That is your purpose lovely child.

Persecutor usually is the one with the bad ideas. She hurts herself: cuts herself, burns herself, honestly anything that will cause harm. Self-loathing is a grand thing eh?

Scared One  is always having irrational fears and it's stupid. They are my fears too but sometimes the irrational part of me will be in more control and these sudden pangs of fear will consume me causing panic.

MotherMii is kind of like a mother figure. She mothers me and takes care of me (us). She is kind and loving. Takes care of people and is very thoughtful and empathetic.

There are many more. I can feel them but I can't 'see' them. I am usually in executive control but on occasions when things get to be too much, I will go away completely. I will drive to towns and have no idea how I got there or walk places and buy things I don't remember buying. I will say things to people and have no idea what I said. It is so embarrassing. And it terrifies me as a nurse.

These are all me. They make up me. They are themselves, but they aren't fully split at the same time. But then again I'm not fully uniform either. Have I finally have begun to except the Others in my head (if there even are "Others"...?

Like I said, they aren't fully-split like DID at all.. But they are other "sides" to me.. And they make up me... I know everyone has this to an extent but mine feels a bit more concrete than everyday people's are, and quite a bit less concrete than those with DID... So I have no Idea what I am... A freak I guess...

Realizations About My Body and It's Problems

Headache again today... And body aches. Muscles kill me... I've been doing a lot of research... There seems to be connections between Fibromyalgia, GERD, Raynaud's Syndrome, PTSD, Migraines, and possibly even yeast infections. I battle all of these; most of them since I was young. Now, I must say, I've not yet been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia or Raynaud's Syndrome. But I have been dealing with the Raynaud's Symptoms since I was 12 or so. I'm almost 23 now. And the Fibro symptoms for at least 4 years. I fit every textbook symptom to a T... I have been diagnosed with PTSD, GERD, and have chronic yeast infections along with a myriad of other issues... It can't be coincidental... I just can't find a doctor to refer me to a specialist as they don't seem to believe me... I am getting so worn down. And dissociative symptoms bad again ad well... So fed up. I am too young for this sh*t... This isn't fair.

I mean, after all that has happened why do I have to deal with this stuff too... It's like my body f*cking hates me or something... It has been through an awful lot of sh*t... I think it blames me. I know I blame myself... Why wouldn't the rest of me and the parts of my body that are unknown to me feel that way too? I guess I thought that maybe, just maybe I could get a bit of a break. I have battled the ADHD all my life and the effects that it had on my learning abilities. Not to mention the social setbacks it caused; and God knows all the other sh*t that went along with it... The depression and anxiety... All at a young age... Let's not forget the PTSD diagnosis and dissociative issues that I have been having these last couple to several years... And possibly even most of my life... I am not sure.

I read that there is a link between Fibro and abuse in childhood (physical and emotional abuse and/or chronic psychological stress) and/or domestic abuse in young teen years... I have both of these histories. I read somewhere online that sexual abuse didn't seem to pose as a common link... I found that really odd actually. Anyway, there is a statistic that states that up to 25% of those diagnosed with Fibro have an abuse history. That just seems crazy to me but also very believable.

You see, I never really paid much mind to my physical ailments that I've been battling. But they have gotten to the point where I can hardly function some days. So, I decided to do some research on Fibro... The results that came up really shocked me. There I found that there are in fact MANY associated problems and diagnoses that oftentimes go along with Fibro... But what REALLY shocked me was how many of these conditions I suffer from... Most of them, as I said in the beginning of this post, since I was a child... This is just all too surreal... It is hard to really grasp that I can have all these f*cking issues... I MUST be making this up... One person cannot literally be as f*cked up as I am... Gosh...

In the reading I have done, I have found that people who have Fibro oftentimes, if not always, have other conditions that seem to be linked to it. I know that I already stated some of the diagnoses/symptoms in the beginning of this post but I am going state them again along with some others that I had as a child that I am not sure actually pertain to Fibro...

• PTSD (diagnosed) 
• GERD (diagnosed) 
• Raynaud's Syndrome (undiagnosed but almost 95-99% sure I have it) I literally have every single symptom of it 
• Chronic yeast infections 
• Chronic (almost every other week for most of my childhood) canker sores in my mouth. Sometimes 3-5 at a time. Sometimes I could hardly talk or eat for days to a week or longer (unsure if there is a link for this one) 
• Chronic/severe ear infections that were every other week as well (unsure if there is a link here) 
• Multiple Chemical Sensitivity - sensitivity to dust mites, mold, grasses (diagnosed) 
• Asthma (diagnosed) 
• Migraines (have suffered with them for most of my life I think) 

I guess I don't get a break. What-the-f*ck-ever... F*CK you you STUPID body....

Dissociation To The Extreme...

I've been having depersonalization and derealization I guess. I don't lose time. Not usually anyway. I think that's only happened once or twice and very fast and briefly only a few minutes. It's like there is this rapid cycling inside my head. I come in and out and there are bits of time missing but it happens so fast... Like a camera shutter.

I don't feel connected really to the world around me, or even to myself at times. I am behind a glass inside the back of my head looking out through my eyes (windows) [see above picture]. I see things in black and white during this. It's like I am under water. Sounds like I am wrapped in cotton or something. Nothing makes sense. I can't communicate right. It's all I can do but stay present. Also, sometimes I can't feel my body and it doesn't feel like mine or like me. It feels heavy and yet weightless. Like white in T, she has this big cushy red leather chair I always sit in and it feels like my body is going to melt into it but another part of me is going to come out and away. Like I am peeling away from my body and floating away... Breaking ties with this world in a sense.

It takes a lot out of me. I am prone to severe headaches/migraines during this. Odd body pains and sensations. I actually have had severe headaches all my life but everybody has that I think right? And when I was little I remember a lot of painful pressure "down there" in both "places". And the other night while trying to fall asleep. I got these horrible throbbing pains down there in my behind area. Once while at T (I don't remember what I was talking about) my girl parts started tingling and contracting. It was so gross. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I finally told my T this after a couple months. I was just so mortified. I was laughing though. I guess that's what I do when nervous? She wasn't grossed out. She said this could be all sorts of things. The word 'body memory' came about. But that can't be right. I wasn't abused like that as a child. Only in an emotional way that had sexual overtones. I also have been having bad pains all over the last year or two. Sounds like fibromyalagia or something... The only thing that happened that maybe would have required some type of dissociation would be that I was under extreme emotional pain/stress and fear and had a heavy weight on me and responsibility. But that can't cause dissociation. Can it?

Sometimes I feel at such conflict inside myself. I argue with me inside. I feel like at certain times, my mind switches so much that I can't decide or agree on any one thing. If I do agree or make a decision I quickly change my mind. I feel like different pieces of me are loyal to those I was made to be loyal to as a child. They are always in conflict and contradict themselves and it makes it hard to function. My T says I have 'splitting'. Not like separate personalities but parts of my mental functioning that split off because it was too painful to process or deal with or because if I didn't I would have went crazy or had a mental breakdown. Or I perceived it as unsafe or bad to process at the time. Maybe like an emotional fragment/partial personality split. I used to hear voices as a child and I wasn't scared of them. I can remember one distinct time but I just have this feeling or knowing that it happened more than that. I feel like I am going absolutely crazy...

I was in T the other day and I said, "Well all people contradict themselves and argue with themselves."

She said, "Yes, but not to the extent at which you do. Your mind will change so fast and so abruptly. You will say one thing and then you will turn around and fight with yourself almost. And be very angry and defensive."

Sometimes I feel like I have no substance. I mean, like when I am in this state. I seem to be confused about who I am. My identity feels shaken. I can't formulate a thought very well and just can't think. Sometimes I feel 'small' and just want to curl up. I feel scared and little and it is hard to do adult things I should be able to do.

Is that possible? Can these emotional pieces 'take over' or influence how I perceive and do things? Like I feel what they (me?) feel and it influences what I do and how I act. I am aware. When I depersonalize and feel like I am separated from the world and from people or even myself I sometimes will continue talking. And it is like I am only half involved. I talk but I am not really even thinking about talking and it doesn't feel like me all the way. My body doesn't always feel like it is there. I can't explain any of this...

Is it possible to have layered emotional aspects? Have you ever heard of such a thing?

Our Christmas Sermon (sorry it's late)

Even though this world is full of sadness God still remains good.

I used to wonder why God did bad things to people. He doesn't. He gave free reign to Satan when man fell.

God is the one who allowed us to survive and get through the abuse and sadness! Without Him we would not have survived. He got us through.

Anyway, during service, I swear the pastor was talking to me.

Our parstor said that we can give God a gift this Christmas. "But," he said, "what can we give God that He hasn't first gave us? What can we give Him that He doesn't already have?" He went on to say, "We can give him all of our money but he doesn't need money. He blessed us with it in the first place. We can give Him all the gold but He already has streets made of that stuff. We can even give him our lives but He gave us that to begin with first. So, what can we possibly give Him that he didn't first give us?"

He paused for effect...

He said, "We can give Him our pain, sin, and messed up and imperfect lives. That is ONE thing He did NOT give us and that is the ONE thing He wants more than anything! To away our pain and make us whole in Him."

He said that God has already forgiven us. He knows us through and through and He knows our pain. He knows about the abortion, the affair, the deep and bad thoughts we think that we don't ever speak of, He knows it all and He wants us to give it all to Him. He then said He knows about the abuse and the pain and anguish we have carried all of our lives. He knows of the shame and guilt. I started to cry and right then when he asked us to close our eyes and stand if we wanted to be saved or give our lives back to God if we are one of the ones who have stepped away. I stood. I felt so silly crying. But it was a happy and thankful and relieved cry if that makes sense. A joyful cry!

I Take It All Back

And I found out several days ago that my dad has cancer... I don't know how bad yet... I was in such shock for a couple days and just cried and cried. Because as much as I am upset at my dad for all the things that have happened between him and I and his family... I still love him. We used to be best friends. And I know deep in my soul he didn't do the things he did with sexual intent... They were not good, they were 'weird' things, but he didn't have these gross motives behind them. He loves me so much. And when it comes to his friend r*ping me and my dad not doing anything about it... Well, that is just how it is... The physical stuff wasn't too often and it was when he lost his cool. I get it. It is easy to lose your temper... But it still hurt a lot, the things he did.

I do and I love him and there is much more that outweighs the bad... And I just can't forgive myself for how I have acted towards him the last few years... I hate myself... I do. I pray he is OK. I love him so much... So upset by all of what was happening... And now this...

To make it worse, no one at work understands why I am so jumpy... They all think it is funny... No one gets why I have such anxiety attacks or why I am depressed... If they only knew... If they knew why, maybe they wouldn't find it so funny. My PTSD symptoms are through the roof and I guess I just want someone to sit with me. I am not OK...

*Added*

I need prayers. Well, my dad does. He was diagnosed with cancer as you know. I've been telling him to go to the doctor for months... He finally did as you know. I am trying to remain positive. I know God is here with me and with him. He has this all covered, but I'm still scared. But The Evil One feeds off of fear, so I will pray and trust in God. But I ask for prayers. I have been working through a lot of things. I've come to realize what I know I've always known: my dad didn't have any bad intentions when he did the things he did. He never abused me sexually. Emotionally, he violated me and it had to do with his sexual frustrations and some other adult things. It was not right and it was selfish but he didn't do it to hurt me. In fact, I don't think he even knew it was wrong. I don't know how he couldn't have known... But I don't think he did. The physical punishment that happened was isolated and by the things he's said, he feels were justifiable. The "games" that we played that I loved but also found painful were just that: games. They bordered on being "sadistic" maybe. But he's not like that.. They weren't like that. I can't explain it. I guess he had a mean streak but he honestly loves me more than anything. And yeah, he failed to stop his friend from r*ping me and is still friends with him but that's my fault... In my fear and shame, I rather harshly yelled at him to stay away and go back to sleep (he couldn't see what was happening, he could only hear it)... He only listened to what I told him to do. And he thought that I was enjoying and wanting it I think... I am not even sure if he knew sexual stuff was going on for sure... he might have "had a feeling" but I don't think he was sure. I guess even though the last thing I wanted was for him to see me like that, at the same time I wanted him to help me. It's not even that really... It's that once he found out a few weeks later when I told him what happened, he didn't do a thing and is still friends with him. I guess I am just confused and feel very guilty too. He even said, most of the guilt is mine and I must face that. And now I have been so mean and vile to him the last few years... And weirdly, none of this matters to me and I just want him to be okay. I would kill myself if it would help him. I'd take his cancer if I could make him better. It's the least I could do. He and I used to be BEST friends. I lived for him. He was my purpose. I used to think when he would die, I would have to die too. I think I kind of planned on it. I just could not live without him. Because I didn't feel I was supposed to. I also didn't ever think I could move out and leave him. Looking back, it wasn't healthy I guess... And hunting was "our thing"... Well, since his friend r*ped me, it's been over a year since we've hunted together due to the fact that his friend is often down there (as they own land that borders each other's land). Now, I think I will make amends with his friend and go hunting with my dad if that is what my dad wants to do. I am not sure how I feel about it. I feel it is the right thing to do. We'll find out soon how my dad is doing. The doctor seems confident about it. God is here with us. All I know, is that I love my dad and oddly feel no ill feelings at all about any of my r*pes by any of the men who've hurt me over the years. In fact, I feel the blame. It was my fault. But that doesn't matter right now, my dad does.

It Keeps Adding Up (Part 2)

I sometimes have these semi-blackouts... I am not sure if it is really a blackout though.. It's like time loses all meaning and I just become not aware as much of what I am doing or what I have done... The blackouts are anywhere from a few seconds at a time to minutes and even up to an hour. Or maybe longer. I'm not sure. And like I said, it's not really a blackout per se, but like I keep becoming unaware of where I am and what I am doing and then time will like slip by and I don't notice it and I get lost... I guess I have kind of blackout out or lost time a few times maybe...? It feels like I used to feel when I smoked a ton of weed... When I look around, everything 'stutters'. Like time folds in on itself. And every few seconds it's like I forget where I am and I'm disoriented. And then right when I start to remember where or even who I am it happens again and then I am like, "Am I real? Where am I? What's happening?" It's like time means nothing. Lose all sense of time kind of. And I get tingly and it feels like I'm floating. I go numb...

I am not sure if it is "true" dissociation or not... I get very spacey and am not really all the way "present" and I feel fuzzy and like I am in a dream. I can't really explain it. It is weird. Sometimes I feel disconnected from reality momentarily and I just "go through the motions" of the day while I am in this "state". I even feel time slipping by. Sometime I will look at the clock and will be like, "Waaaaa?"

I will at times be talking and then just stop mid-sentence and not even know what I have been saying. People have to tell me what I have been talking about. Sometimes I can resume. Sometimes I just can't. It seems like a distant dream that I can't remember
.
A month ago or more, while at work, I went and turned a TV off and was walking around and then sat back down (so I have been told...)

Then, I asked one of the aids, "Why is the TV off?"

She looked at me weird and said, "Chantel, you just came out of the soiled utility room, sat down, stared at the TV for a bit, walked over and shut it off, and then walked around. It didn't look like you had anywhere in mind you were actually walking too. Your eyes were glazed over. Then you sat back down and just kind of came out of it and asked why the TV is off. Do you feel OK?"

I replied (this I remember), "I didn't turn it off. I have been sitting here this whole time."

"Um, no you haven't."

At first I got angry because I thought she was playing a trick on me but then the nurse at the time on that shift said that she watched me turn it off. Then the room began spinning. Or maybe it was me who was spinning (in my head)... After a while, I vaguely remembered "shutting off the TV"... But I didn't think that was reality. I don't remember doing it per se, but I remember dreaming about doing it... Or at least I thought it was a dream. It's like I watched through a foggy glass or something... But it didn't feel real at all and even then, it was hard to retrieve this memory that I thought was a dream. I even asked them if I was dreaming and if I was real... They said I was saying things that didn't really make any sense and that I just "left".
Then I would come back and ask, "Am I still here?" And as soon as I would ask that, I would "trail off" again... I do remember asking these things vaguely. I remember this happened in waves... Like it was so fast... So so fast. Cycling rapidly... it's hard to explain...

And so, I had saw my T a dew weeks ago and I told her about the blacking out. Have already told her before actually... But it's happened some more and there's new things... I just wanna be done with it all... I am so f***ing tired of it all.

She said it sounds like another part of me takes over at least part way... maybe... I don't f*cking know... Not like a whole other personality, but like a fragment or something... I mean, it is like I am looking through a frosted glass. I "remember" things but only after people tell me what I did... I don't even know if I remember it or if my mind is suggestive and fills in the blanks. Either way, it is like it was a dream. I could swear I dreamed it.... But in reality I guess it actually happened. And then it will happen again and again... Like I will be aware of what's happening to an extent and can control it to an extent. But it is a HUGE fight to try and remain in control and not just fade out. It is so taxing. Sometimes I just go away. And I don't get it. It's like I can remember snippets but it doesn't feel like me. It feels like it was a dream and didn't really happen to me. I am so f*cking confused...

She said thinks it could just be dissociation and that I am checking out. I am not sure. I guess "I" myself am not really in total control, but "I", the other me, (not an alter or personality, just a different aspect of me) kind of does whatever... Because I can influence what I do and even control it to an extent sometimes.

Honestly, the last several.months, I'll do things and not remember doing them. I found some clothes I don't remember buying in stores I don't remember going to. They were purchased a few months ago. But I know I bought them because my debit card was used. And I will talk to people and not remember talking to them or sometimes I'll just black out or something. Or it's like I can see myself talking and hear myself talking to people but am not actively engaged in it. It's like I am in a different realm I am underwater and invisible. I'm someplace else.

This is not at all normal...

It Keeps Adding Up (Part 1)

So, here are just some things that have been happening in the last month... I found out about the 4th and 5th bullet points within an hour or two of each other...

• Anni (of one of my r*pes) was this month and I am so glad December is almost over... Persistent panic attacks that cause severe repercussions... It's beginning to affect my job as a nurse... I can't have this right now... I just can't handle this all right now...
  
• Dissociation and PTSD have been through the roof!
  
• Work is stressin me out and triggerin me badly.
  
• Found out my aunt has a very aggressive form of lung cancer and is dying and now any talk of death makes me panic... I am so sad... My mom is upset... We didn't really even having a Christmas this year because she wasn't in the mood... Not that I got Christmas off anyway... I went in at 3 pm on the 25th and got off at 6 am on the 26th and had to be back in at 4pm that same day... I have yet to get any holiday off...
  
• My best friend (the one who hurt me on St Patty's Day... if y'all don't remember the whole St. Patty's Day ordeal you can read about it HERE) got pregnant and never even told me... I know we weren't talking, but this was the ultimate betrayal... I guess being best friends since we were 5 (so almost 17 years) means nothing to her... I mean, for f*cks sake... We were like sisters... Inseparable we were! We finished each others' sentences... Did absolutely everything together... We were always there for the other.
  
  We always talked about how when one of us would get pregnant, we would go shopping and be involved in the pregnancy somehow...
  
  Normally, I would have been one of the first people she called... Instead, I get told by my mom, who got a text from her (my friend's) mom... It just hurts so damn much...
  
  I just stared at my mom for a few seconds and then said, "Uh,.. oh... okay..." *Short Pause* cue tears....
  
  I gave her about a week or so to tell me herself... I wanted to give her the benefit of a doubt.
  
  But she never did... And so, I felt terrible not telling her something, because that would make me a bad friend... so I texted her "Congrats! Happy for you. When are you due?"
  
  "Who is this?" she replied.
  
  Thinking that maybe she changed her number and didn't tell me, I said, "It's Chantel. Is this not ______?"
  
  "Yes, it is... Sorry my phone's acting weird. I don't know yet. I have an appointment in 2 weeks... Keep this on the DL. No Facebook." (Yeah, her phone is acting "weird"... She obviously deleted me from her contacts... Or got a new phone and didn't put me in her new one...)
  
  "I wasn't going to." I said, sad... Almost in tears...
  
  "Just making sure." She said.
  
  And that was that... No thank you for my congrats... Not even a reason for her not telling me... I doubt she would have ever told me... I had to make the first move... And this was 2 weeks ago since we talked. I have not heard from her once... And I think it is over. Age 5: pre-K/kindergarten to 21 years of age... (I am now 22 but turned 22 not long after we stopped talking)... So 16, basically 17 years we have been best friends... And it is all over... It just doesn't seem real... I feel so hurt and betrayed. We have so many good memories... Gosh... F*cking b*tch... I wanted to demand why she didn't tell me... What the f*ck is her deal?!?! But I didn't I held my tongue and just internalized it...
  
• T has been really difficult... It just has been really cruddy...Triggered really badly, often... Dissociate... In T, while driving, at work... Yeah... Stinks...
  
• Oh, and I had my yearly female exam the other day.... It was awful and very triggering... Made my PTSD symptoms so much more worse... Like they weren't already... And I think she could see the scars on my legs... No, I KNOW she could. It would be impossible for her not to... She didn't say anything though... She could tell I was really upset and uncomfortable.... So she made it fast, which was nice of her... But I still hated it... F*ck this sh*t...
  
• Then I was triggered further with the thought of her seeing the scars and it just made me wanna c*t even more... How f*cked up is that?
  
• I just can't focus... Can't stay attentive to what I need to do. half the time I walk around not knowing what I need to do or just walk around barely knowing what I am supposed to do or where I should be... Gets me into trouble... Employer told me I needed to get my sh*t together..
  
• I am soooo jumpy... Everything scares me and makes me jump... It's awful...
  
• I am SUPER achy and in pain all over... I HATE it and have no idea why I am feeling like this... It's wearing me out.
  
• I have no patience (this is a "me" problem I think though)... I snap at anyone and everything. I cussed a fork out today for like 5 minutes for me dropping it... No joke. Poor fork, it wasn't your fault... People around me are suffering... EVERYTHING is making me mad. Literally...
  
• I am very pissed at myself because I have such a hard time saying 'no' to people. If I do say it, I feel very guilty and upset... There we are again, repeating childhood conditioning... Don't live for myself... (This was not explicitly told to me but it was implied by 'their' actions and how I was to treat my dad and yeah it doesn't matter...)

Puppet

A Puppet.
Controlled with wires and strings.
Opens its mouth when others tell it to sing.
A chiseled smile and painted eyes;
Built out of other's wicked lies.
Memories of yesterday
Compartmentalized and locked away.
The Little Girl is trapped inside
Yearning for freedom yet wanting to hide.
Only knowing the darkness that has her blind
The Little Girl one day happens to find
A Man dressed in a robe so white
That shone with pure light.
The Man begins to scrape away the layers of wood.
The layers hid The Little Girl from all that is good.
Then The Man opened The Little Girl's eyes
And said, "You are My Child. Now arise."
The Little Girl stepped out of the puppet's shell
And in awe and worship to her knees she fell.