Last night (9/21/13) and early morning today (9/22/13) mark the 1 year anniversary...

(I wrote this last night [9/21/13] around 8:00 pm)

And tonight, in a few short hours, is the night (of one of my many anniversaries). It's been 1 year. And who besides me (in RL) remembers? Who even cares? Maybe I don't even care... but that's a lie. And where are you dad? Betraying me again? Right now, you are sleeping where "it" took place. You are in the same room with the same man on the same night 1 year later... Drinking with him more than likely... And here I am... By myself at home drinking... Again. And I don't even care right now that I am breaking sobriety. I really don't give a f*ck even though I know that I should...

You make it hard to forgive you. But God knows I have to. Because God says I should... And because I love you. Despite the sh*t you have done to me yourself and despite the betrayal you have showed when it comes to your loyalty to your friend... 

Heck, you KNOW about what happened... You were THERE in the same room... I know I told you I was OK and told you to go back to sleep... But that was due to my overwhelming sense of shame and embarrassment... It was due to there being weapons all around and my fear that someone would end up dying... It was due to the fact that there was an 11 year old child in the room asleep... I didn't want to traumatize him or put him in danger... But, I have been told that you STILL, as a father, should have done something... I have been told that you should be livid at your friend for what he did... I have been told that even if it had been consensual, you STILL should be livid just for the fact that he would betray your "friendship" by doing something with your daughter, consensual or not... But dad, it wasn't consensual... And I worried myself sick for weeks before telling you because yet again, I WAS LOOKING OUT FOR YOU... I didn't want to hurt YOU by telling you what your friend did to me... I didn't want to cause you to lose your friendship... I didn't want you to go off the deep end and do something that would cause you to go to prison for... But all of that worrying was for nothing because you didn't even care when I told you. Well, you cared a little but you are still friends with him dad... I just figured you would care... I just figured you loved me enough... And after all of the sh*t you have done to me, I kind of felt like you owed me this... But maybe not... I guess you don't owe me anything...

(This was written today [9/22/13] after church)

So, today at church, I had to run out of the sanctuary really fast. Was gone for about 20 minutes maybe? I ended up sitting in the hallway, knees tucked up to my chin, shaking and trying to breathe right. Then I felt really "not all the way there". Have been feeling bad off and on all day long... Luckily there is a really amazing woman who I was able to talk to who brought me back to reality somewhat. Thank you Jesus for her. And thank you Jesus for Xanax...

Heartbroken and Grieving/ Severe Anxiety/ Support Needed

This is my dog Lucy when I was 8 years old. She was 6 months old. The next one is her with one of her MANY "bears". And this next one is me just smiling at her looking at something out the window.
RIP baby, I will miss and love you forever. *cue tears* 

***So, this is something I think I am going to let my T and my mental health NP (my medication prescriber) read when I see them next. It's been like 2 months or more since I last saw them. I am going insane and something is REALLY wrong with me. I think I need a referral to a psychiatrist.***

I have been really struggling lately with the feelings of panic, dread, irritability, racing heart, trouble breathing, and hands shaking and trembling. And very often I have an overwhelming feeling of dread. I've been hyper-sensitive and very jumpy like I'm always on guard. Everything seems to startle me. And these feeling aren't always when I'm triggered either; sometimes it seems to happen out of nowhere. But lately, more often than not, it is a persistent feeling/reaction I'm having. Also, it seems that my mind is constantly going over and over about the abuse that has happened to me. Like internally in my mind it happens on a loop sometimes. I can feel the emotions I was feeling at the times of the r*pes or there was even a few times several months ago a few weeks after the last r*pe occurred where I could actually physically "feel" it happening. I know that makes no sense though.
I'm having trouble concentrating and staying focused and everything seems to get me riled up, anxious, or pissed. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to go crazy. Everything gets fuzzy and I sometimes feel far away. And now anytime I talk about what's happened to me (the r*pes, abuse, and just all of the bad stuff that's happened), even if it's just typing it on the computer, I start to shake and/or my heart races and I begin to feel what I listed above. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I was going over in my mind things that have happened to me. I wanted to list them out, what happened, and how I felt so I could just get them sorted out and unscrambled from my mind. Maybe all of the stuff that has happened to me has just added up and has caused me enough scarring to feel like this now. I don't know. I just know I can hardly function anymore and it is impeding with my everyday life and work and I am scared I may lose my job if I am not careful.

So, to start off, as a child there was a lot of emotional/covert incest and possibly non-touching sexual abuse by my father. But for it to be sexual abuse however, I guess the person has to do it with sexual intent. So, touching or "almost touching" if done innocently wouldn't be sexual abuse..? I am confused about this because it's hard for me to be upset and angry without knowing my dad's intent. I KNOW he loves me and would never mean to hurt me. He did take the belt to me as a kid sometimes but I don't know. It was traumatizing and very excessive and cruel at times I feel but he didn't want to hurt me. He also choked me once or twice. He wrapped his hands around my neck and I couldn't breathe or anything. I was an adult when this happened though. So it's not like I was a child or anything. He liked to play mean and painful games that prevented me from having control of movement and he found it funny but they hurt. But I still liked them because I was stupid and young. Plus I got attention from my dad and I loved him so very much.
He and his family also brainwashed me in a sense. But they loved me and they weren't intentionally trying to hurt me. I don't think they knew what they were doing. But it caused unbearable emotional and psychological pain and confusion for me. It made me "learn" to hate my mom through them. They poisoned me. Anyway, that went on from mid childhood to mid teens. Along with the "sexual tinged" stuff from my dad.

My grandpa emotionally and verbally abused me and tormented me from toddlerhood or younger until I was 13 or 14.

Then when I was 17 (2008-2010) I was in an abusive relationship. He was 19 when it started and 22 when it ended. There was gas lighting/mind control and manipulation, physical abuse, emotional, mental, and verbal abuse, and multiple r*pes, an*l r*pe, and sodomy. He also choked me once and I thought I was going to die! I loved him though. The thing was, I never knew what to expect from hi. He could be nice and loving or cruel and sadistic. He kept me guessing and was always changing it up so I wouldn't know how to react or what to expect. It was like he was trying to alter my perception of reality: what was real and what was not. He would tell me I was remembering things wrong and that I was crazy. He would say that he did NOT just do what I was saying he did. He did that enough times (along with physical abuse and verbal threats to reinforce his point) that I began to believe him and question my own sanity. I can't explain the mental mind control. It was horrid. Still, I loved him dearly and even for the longest time after we broke up I viewed it as my fault. I still do sometimes. I live in the same town as him so I see him around sometimes. In fact, a couple years ago after we had been broken up for several months, he called me and was very angry that I had told someone what he did to me because after all, it was a lie… He said if he ever saw me and heard that I was telling these lies, he would bash my head in with a tire iron. I wouldn't put it past him either… I almost completely shut down when I see him. Just typing this is making my heart race and has me feeling light headed.

Then when I was 20 I was digitally r*ped by a different boyfriend's best friend. He was 22. I was drunk and high. He made me feel so disgusting... The things he did to me… The things he made me say… I relive that a lot… All the time I see or hear things that trigger me and send me back to there. That was in December of 2011.

Then in September of 2012, my dad's best friend digitally r*ped me and made me do things to him. He did so many sickening things to my body; including peeing all over my body while I was passed out. I was so drunk. My dad was there while it happened too and heard it happening I found out some weeks later. But in his defense, he asked me what was happening and I was so terrified of him seeing me like that that I just panicked and begged him to not come over to where it was happening… I still didn't think he knew I was being r*ped or doing anything sexual for that matter. I was wrong. He knew full well. But he listened to my request, so that's my fault for not allowing him to help me. He is still best friends with him too. This makes me feel betrayed somewhat. He says however that I am the one who betrayed him!!! I still don't get his rationale for that one!

But most recently, the last straw is that my best friend, my dog, died almost a month and a half ago on May 28th. It was awful. I am an RN and just recently got a job at a nursing home and that alone is stressful enough! Well, my dog ended up dying on my first day of work at this nursing home. I was to go into work at 7am for my first day of orientation. At 4:30am my dog was acting fine. I let her out to potty and she ate her breakfast. She was happy and was running around. Then at 5am she just let out this awful wail went stiff and was shaking. I thought she was having a seizure (but really most likely had a stroke) and then she went limp and stayed that way. Then she began having agonal breathing and periodically would let out this loud horrible bawl. She would make sucking noises at the air and try so hard to breathe but she couldn't and I couldn't do a thing for her. I felt so helpless. I held her for while and then my dad took me and her to the vet after I called them with an emergency vet call. While my dad was driving, she was heaving and suffocating. Towards the end her body was spasming and she was making those horrible screams again and then she just stopped. The vet met us there but at 6am she had already died in my arms. I was in such shock. I was hysterical and yet I could not believe it. I still went into work though at 9am that same morning. I was in a state of shock all day so I don't remember much of the day except how painful it was and how unreal it all felt. It still hurts but I have grieved so much by this point. The part that hurt the worst was the shock of it all. I have accepted it now and can look at all the good times we had.
She was my best friend. She was my only friend all my life. I got her when I was 8 and she was only 6 weeks old. She picked me. I didn't pick her. When I went to the farm to get a puppy, she ran up to me and followed me everywhere. I bet I walked all over that farm and I could not get away from that puppy (not that I wanted to). None of the other puppies really cared about me. They all wanted their momma, but she didn't; she wanted me. I would go and put her back with the litter and then would walk away but later I would look by me and there'd she be walking along side me looking up. I swear she was smiling. I still had not yet picked a puppy. She picked me. I didn't even have to pick a puppy. We connected just like that. Our connection was so strong. It was instantaneous. We were inseparable ever since. She got me through so much. I don't know if I would be alive without her honestly. I loved her so much. I have never loved anything so much. I just can't explain the level of intensity our friendship and love was for each other. We "got" each other. We did EVERYTHING together. Literally. There was not a time growing up when we were not together. She was the only childhood friend I really had and has kept me sane all of these years. She was a true blessing from God.
She would have been 14 on the 30th of this month too. I will always love her. I got her cremated and have her ashes now.

Lastly, just trying to learn this job and not having any idea about what is going on. I can't concentrate on anything and everything scares me and I am so jumpy and nothing "clicks" in my mind anymore... I can't grasp or retain anything and I am so confused all the time and feel like I am constantly fearful and just plain panicky. I feel like I am in a state of hyper vigilance. I feel like I am unraveling. I just wish I were dead some days. I really do.

Oh, and on the 1st of this month, I relapsed and got SUPER wasted and I SI'd REALLY bad. I hardly even remember hurting myself and do not even remember why I did it or what I was feeling. But it's all up my right thigh. Like 4, 10" long cuts. I also SI'd on my left wrist too.

I am so stupid.


__________________Update__________________

I went to T for the first time in like 2 months. She says I fit the criteria in the DSM-IV for PTSD. I was wondering... and she confirmed it. I just have felt so off. Very spacey, out of it, floaty, and far away very often. I dislike this. Sooooo jumpy and on edge.
*Sighs*
Now I am to go in to see my med doc. Time to tell her what I've been feeling and what Kim said about the PTSD symptoms. Also, I think I need different meds...
Will take hugs if anyone feels generous.
Blessings to you all! <3

What I wrote for 'National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week', (September 10-16) in 2012

I was diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) in 2000 when I was 9 years old. I showed signs of having it at a much earlier age but it is sometimes hard to differentiate between normal childhood inattentiveness and hyperactivity versus true ADHD. I also struggle with depression and anxiety (they play hand-in-hand with ADHD), PTSD-like symptoms, and OCD symptoms (haven't been diagnosed yet).

It had always been hard for me to follow even the simplest of instructions; not because I wasn't smart or didn't know how but because my brain couldn't slow down enough to even hear the whole set of instructions. I would only get bits and pieces of information at a time because my attention would wander off and on, thus getting me into trouble. I could NOT pay attention if my life depended on it. While all the other kids were outside at recess I was inside doing homework or sitting in time out because I also was always getting into trouble. I would blurt out answers or talk when I wasn't supposed to. It made the other kids not like me. I was different. I got made fun of a lot. I didn't like being the weird and annoying kid. I tried so hard to pay attention but my mind just wouldn't let me. I couldn't help it. Simple basic math homework of 15 question multiplication problems proved to take me hours and I would stay up bawling all night long because I thought I had to be the stupidest kid in the world. I had no self-worth or friends to speak of and the teachers were terrible to me. That all changed!

I got on medicine when I was 9 and it made such a difference! My C’s and D’s turned into almost all A’s and occasional B’s. Of course it took a lot of different medication changes to find my niche but I am so thankful! I also used behavioral therapy to help train my impulsiveness due to the ADHD.

I still have problems with ADHD in adult life though as it will be a life long struggle I am afraid. My grades did improve and I found out how smart I really was and that I am NOT stupid, but still I struggle with the social aspect of it now. I still am perceived as the “weird” one and frankly I don’t have too many friends and I think that is one of the worst parts of this/these illnesses: loneliness and rejection.

Unfortunately, I also have anxiety and depression. The depression can be really bad at times. The anxiety causes panic attacks. The anxiety is brought on by different things: racing thoughts from the ADHD, circumstantial stressors/triggers brought on by trauma (which leads to the PTSD-like symptoms)... It's all just  linked together I think.

It really bothers me when people tell me to just “stop acting like that” and that I use it as a crutch because I do NOT. I don’t like having this. If I had to choose between a visible or invisible illness I would choose visible because at least I would be believed and get the support and validation that I need to keep going through the day when I become discouraged. Support makes such a difference. I read my Bible when I become discouraged. Philippians 4:13 is one of my favorite verses (among many) that helps me in life.

I chose to be involved in NICIAW because I wish to bring awareness to these types of illnesses. Just because a person has no physical indication that they are ill does not mean that they aren’t. I hope that the stigma associated with mental health illnesses and other illnesses that cannot be seen with the eyes one day lifts and is recognized and validated. I want it to be that we will no longer be seen as the “weird” or “crazy” ones because our illnesses cannot be seen; we will be seen for what we are: human beings deserving of support and understanding. Blessings to all of you

... Unresolved Health Issues ...

So yesterday afternoon, I went to a nurse practitioner because I have been feeling REALLY sick. I have been aching really bad for the last few days and just couldn’t take it any longer. My head, ears, and throat also were in really bad shape.

*Some background information* I have been aching the last several months. It comes and goes. It is in my knees, wrists, elbows, hips, back, neck, ankles, and pretty much the bones in between my major joints (long bones). It gets so annoying because it gets to hurting pretty bad… And it has begun to be more often in frequency. Also, the last few weeks or month or so I will get this STABBING pain behind my right eye in my head (this is different from the headache that was going along with my ears and throat). It feels almost like there is a knife on the inside of my brain trying to push my eye out of my head. It is a white searing pain. It will last for a few seconds to a couple minutes. I can hardly even think when it happens… It is blinding. I have been leaning towards possible fibromyalgia because this is what a few people (who have it) told me is sounded like but that I needed to get checked out by a doctor… I wanted a referral if possible to see a specialist (is this NP deemed it necessary).

So, I went into this NP’s office with the idea that my head, throat, and ear issues were due to out-of-control allergies causing a possible sinus infection (I haven’t been taking my prescription allergy meds for the last few days and they’ve gotten out of hand). I also went in thinking that I may possibly have the flu which is causing the more-extreme-than-usual aches on top of my general ‘normal’ aches.

After being called back to the nurse’s station, the nurse took down my chief complaint, my medical/surgical history, and allergies. Then my vitals were obtained and recorded. I had a fever of 100.6° F, and my pulse was 130 (which is high for me). Then, I was taken to the room where I was to be seen by the NP. In no time, the NP walked in. She did not appear to be happy. She sat down and let out a large sigh and rubbed her head. I just sat there; barely able to sit still due to the pain from my body.

She said something to the effect of, “Let’s do this. What are you here for?” in a really gruff tone of voice.

I said, “Well, I am really achy and have been for the last several months although it’s been worse the last few days. My ears, throat, and head have been hurting but I also have bad allergies and haven’t been able to take my allergy medicines for the last few days. I take them at night and I have been getting home too late to take them and just skip them because if I take them too late I will not be able to function the next day due to the hangover effect they have. Also, I think I may have a little bit of the flu which is making my achiness 10 times worse than normal.”

She sighed and rolled her eyes, “Get up there.” pointing to a table with a sheet of paper. “I am going to check your ears, nose and throat.” She then used her scope to check my throat and ears and nose and tapped on my face and forehead to check for sinus tenderness. She also felt my glands. My sinuses and glands were tender to touch.

“Your throat is red around the edges and so is your uvula. Your ears have fluid built up. You have a sinus infection and probably have the flu. The pain behind your eye is due to the infection. I have been seeing that a lot lately. Here’s a prescription for a Z-pack.”

“Yeah, I figured I may have a sinus infection or something like that. See, the thing is, I know that this infection is due to my allergies. I had a feeling that this added aching is due to the flu. But, what I want to know is why I have been aching for the last several months. And I have been having this pain in my head for around a month or more now. I have only had these sinus and throat issues for the last few days.”

She chuckled, not in a happy way either and said, “I really am not sure what’s wrong with you. None of your symptoms fit together. What is up with all of these medicines you are on huh? Why are you on them?”

“What do you mean? I am on them because I need them.”

“Why are you on the Wellbutrin, Vyvanse, clonodine, and hydroxizine for?” (She actually named more than these but I won’t list them all…) “And why do you do to the chiropractor? Stop going to him. He isn’t doing any good at all.”

Pretty shocked as to why she would ask this since those are two obvious drugs if you’re in the healthcare field…, “Um… the first two are for depression and ADHD. If I go off of them I feel like crap. I can’t focus and it is horrible. The third one is for sleep and the last one is for my allergies.”

She shook her head, rolled her eyes, and sighed, “Most people outgrow ADHD. Why haven’t you outgrown it yet huh? Why? You shouldn’t need all of these medicines. Have you even ever tried going off of them??”

I was completely shocked. My mental health, especially my ADHD is something that I am ashamed of… I was almost in tears by what she had just said. I replied in a bit of a snarky tone, “Well, you obviously have never heard of adult ADHD. It does exist. And yes, I have gone off of my medicines. If I don’t take them, my thoughts get to racing so fast I can’t think at all. It causes panic attacks and another set of issues entirely which I won’t get into.” … what I wanted to say was that I have been having bad depression and anxiety lately especially since my most recent r*pe and assaults and since therapy has been so bad lately… But, I didn’t say any of that. I already look crazy enough.

She said, “You don’t need all of these medicines. You are on Vyvansem an upper; Welbutrin, a down in a sense; hydroxizine, a downer; clonodine, a downer. There is no reason to be on all of these medicines at these dosages. Your body weight is too low to handle all of these! Chr*st!!! No wonder you are feeling so cruddy. I think you have serotonin overload in your system.”

I was absolutely shocked. I said, “Well, my allergist and psych-med doctor feel I am fine on them, but I will discuss what you have said with them just in case. And I like going to my chiropractor and feel that he helps me.” I was trying not to get defensive and trying not to cry… I was in so much physical pain… It was about 8 or 9 out of 10…

Lastly she said, “Well, all I can tell you is to stop taking your medicines and stop going to the chiropractor. This is all honestly above my expertise and I am not sure what’s wrong with you.”

I was a little pissed to put it nicely. But I replied in a nice tone of voice (well, I tried to), “Well, I can’t stop taking my medicines cold-turkey. I will go into serotonin withdrawals and have a severe depressive episode. I don’t want that. I like going to my chiropractor. And I won’t stop my meds without consulting with my doctors first. I always advise my patients to consult with their doctors before stopping meds. And you still have no idea why I have been aching for the last several months? Other than my medication problems and aversion to stop taking them? Can you give me a referral maybe?”

“No, I don’t think you need a referral. And I have told you what I think. The rest of this ‘stuff’ is your problem to deal with. Not mine. Stop the meds and stop the chiropractor and take the Z-pack.” She said.

“Okay, thanks. Have a great day.” I said… By this time I just wanted to go leave and cry.

She said, “Well, you are welcome although I didn’t really help you much.” At this point she actually sounded nice like she kind of cared. I smiled politely and walked out to the car where my mom was waiting for me where I told her through sobs, what the NP had said.

Then I went and filled my prescription that I was given and started the pack right then. Cried all the way home from the pain I was in and also started feeling extremely nauseous. Once, home managed to eat a few soda crackers. I went to bed early. Woke up this morning, and took another antibiotic pill. Feel SOOO much better today where the head, ears, and throat areas are concerned. I don’t even feel achy. Well, not the flu-like achy anyway. I still have that ‘normal’ general achiness that I tried to tell her about… Oh well.

Oh, and to make matters worse. I have been very depressed lately. I haven’t let it on to anyone though. But I finally broke down Sunday night at my church group thing. I am just really lonely and there have been a lot of changes in my church group. Tyler and Michelle started dating awhile back and will more than likely get married sometime down the road. Jonny and Emily just got engaged and will be getting married in September (a triggering anniversary month for me). Haley and Jacob are moving to Alaska and getting married. Joe just moved away yesterday. Now my friend Katelyn will more than likely be moving away to Norway for good, Lord willing. 

I hate to sound like I am bitching… I am not. I am SUPER happy for them all. But, This group is the only reason that I stayed in my hometown. I was thinking to move away from here back in December but then I started going to church and fell in love with my ‘church family’ and felt like I wanted to stay. Now, half of them are getting married and/or moving away. I am so alone and want someone to love and want me. I want to be wanted… Cared about… And now this group feels like it is disintegrating all around me… The one reason I stayed in this town…

Oh, plus I can’t find a f*cking nursing job for the life of me… And now all of these painful problems… And I have been so depressed due to all of this and then this run-in with this NP made it all worse… And of course dealing with these issues with therapy and my past with r*pes and abuse… F*ck it is all too much! I can’t do it…

Sorry for that rambly last bit… Just had to vent.

I am so depressed. And I hurt physically. Thanks for reading if you got this far…

Blessings for you. Have a great day. Sorry for being a Debby Downer.

St. Patty's Day Ordeal

***Hugs and comments please. Any kind or helpful words at all appreciated. Thank you all so much. Blessings. Sorry this is so long.***

So, I will start back from about a week ago and work my way up to present day.
Bear with me. Thanks for the support. I need it. Although I am no longer freaking out, I am still sad and hurt.

So, last Sunday I started getting really sick. It started out with a scratchy throat and itchy ears and then my sinuses started to hurt some.
Then a day later or so I started getting really achy and just all over sick. I was super dizzy and couldn't hear, my vision was blurry, I was nauseous and felt fuzzy in the head. Then I got congested to the point that I couldn't get any air movement through my nose and my chest started getting congested and it hurt some. Then I got a blister in the back of my throat and could hardly swallow. I felt so sick. I just couldn't do it any longer and gave in and went to the doctor on Thursday. They prescribed me a z-pack and prednisone. I HATE prednisone. It makes me so jumpy and anxious and jittery. They didn't do a culture, but the doctor said that based on my symptoms, he was pretty sure I had Group A beta hemolytic streptococcus. But I was looking at the signs and symptoms online and it didn't really account for my chest and nose congestion, just the nausea, aching, and sore throat/blisters. So, I was thinking I must have had a common cold along with this strep infection. But good thing is, I am feeling loads better. About 100% better now. Thanks be to God. I was very concerned because I had a trip planned to go to my friend's house and be with her and party a bit for St. Patty's Day weekend and I was scared I wouldn't be able to go, but I did. Thus brings us to the next part of my story...

I had been planning this outing with my friend for a couple of weeks now. My parents told me it was a bad idea. They told me I would get into trouble and that they had a bad feeling about it... But I just kept telling them that they were stupid and worry too much because they do and they always have 'a bad feeling' it seems... But, I only wish I hadn't been f*cking stupid and proved them right... God help me... I did bad things. Anyway, I'll get to that.

Saturday, my mom drove me up to my friend's house (which is about an 1.5-2 hours north of where I live) because for one, my car isn't dependable, and two, she wanted to visit my sister and aunt that live in this general area. I was a bit miffed that I couldn't drive myself but looking back, I think God blessed me because I had to end up calling my mom and aunt to come and save my ass...

So, at around 10 AM my mom drops me off at my friend’s house and I put my overnight bag in her house and I we paint our nails and decide what to do until 12 o’clock (when the St. Patty’s Day parade is supposed to start). We decide to go to Wal-Mart and buy green accessories and look snazzed up for the holiday. Then we go to the bank and then downtown to where the bars, and streets are filled with people drunk off their gourds… It looked super fun.

We park and start making our way to where we hear shouting and loud music and drunken people. (Some of which started at 6am, gross, I know). We go to a place called Mickey’s Irish Pub. It is a crazy party. Packed like sardines. We get green beer, and begin fraternizing with people. We find this little group of people and they kind of ‘adopt us’ into their little group. It was an older guy and a girl (they are married) and then with them was this other dude. We all got pretty good and tipsy and at about 2:30 or so my friend and I got into these people we had been hanging with’s car. They took us to (what I was soon to find out) a gay bar. It was interesting. Well, we were actually in and out of this gay bar and another bar as they were adjoined. So, we get to this bar and we start drinking. We are both sh*t faced drunk. I buy us shot sand we drink more beer. We can hardly stand up. (I feel awful admitting this but I made out with people. Girls and guys… I feel like a cheap wh*re… I am. It is what I am… I am a filthy rag.)

A little bit later, she and I go outside to smoke a cig with this the guy we were with (the lady’s husband). I turn around and she and this guy are gone. I FREAK the f*ck out. I throw the cig on the ground and run back in the bar and ask the lady we were with if she had seen her husband or my friend. She said she hadn’t seen either of them. I start crying and imagine the worst possible things happening to her. She is being r*ped, beaten, mugged, hurt somehow… I was wigging out and I tried calling my mom and dad and aunt and no one answered me… I was so scared I don’t even remember who it was, but I think it was the lady. She took me next door to the adjoining gay bar. There I saw my friend. She was fine. She was with that guy. She looked mad at me. I honestly do not remember what all was said, but the lady said she thought we better get home because we were too drunk. She gave us directions how to get back to Mickey's and then from there we were supposed to find our own way back to the car.

I admit, I was freaking out and looking back I wish I had of gone over to the adjoining bar by myself to look for her first before getting that lady to help me look. It’s just the only thing that was going through my mind was, “I need to find her. She is drunk and something bad might happen. I am drunk and I can’t help her. The more time I waste trying to find her, the further away she might get. I need to ask for help.” So, I did. Well, my friend was raving mad at me for doing this and said I was a sell out. She saw I was on the phone attempting to call someone and she flipped.

She said, "What the f*ck is this? Are you trying to call your f*cking mommy? Go ahead, call your mommy."
I don't remember what I replied exactly.

I honestly don't remember exactly word for word what was said but I do remember some of it. So, some of this may or may not be completely accurate, but rather just how I perceived it to be in my own experience of this ordeal.

Anyway, we begin walking and she is just being a total b*tch to me. I am beside myself. I am, at this point, feeling pretty sober compared to how I had been. The cold air and wind, all of the walking we had been doing, the adrenaline and fear of her possibly being hurt, and the ever present danger of getting arrested (as there were cops at every turn) sobered me up pretty damn fast lol. We continue to walk and she is ahead of me. I realize we are going the wrong way and I try to redirect her and she gets mad at me. I can't even talk to her. She said such hurtful things to me...

At this point, the only thing I want it to not be on the street. I do not want to get arrested for public intoxication. I have a nursing license to uphold and am in debt up to my ears and although I am unemployed at the moment, I still do not want to lose my license to practice. And I know public intox and being arrested will achieve just that... The LAST thing I want. So, obviously all I want to do is get back to her house and drink there and do what we had originally planned to do. I am thinking very rational now and have formulated in my mind steps at how to get back.
1) We need to lie low and avoid drawing any unnecessary attention that may alert cops.
2) We need to find a shelter of some sort to sober up in or call a cab back to her house and then just get her car in the morning.
3) We need to work together as a team and make this work.
4) We need to try as hard as we can to act sober and not draw attention to our state.

Keeping those rules in mind, I tried to calmly explain to her that she was going in the wrong direction of where the car was parked and that we had to turn around. She would have none of it and kept walking and cussing me out. I didn't want to follow her and become even more lost than I already was (did I mention I am not from here and have no idea what was right from left?). But truthfully, at this point, I could see a very large building that I remember parking by. It looked to be about a mile away or so and it was undoubtedly crawling with cops the whole way there. It would be a true task getting to the car unnoticed and at the rate we were going, she wasn't making it easy. We needed to work as a team and she would have none of it. So, I didn't want to follow her and lose sight of the building, but at the same time, she was so drunk and I was terrified of leaving her. If I didn't stay with her, she could easily get hurt or lost and I would never be able to forgive myself if that happened. On the other hand, I knew that the further I followed her, the more and more chance I had of getting picked up by the cops and becoming arrested and ruining any prospect of nursing career. But, she means the world to me and I chose her safety over my future.

I follow her. Every so often attempting to get her to just stop and listen to me and think logically about this. I explained that she was not making this easy and that we just needed to sit and sober up and think about this together and how to approach this. I was feeling pretty sober at this point. My words were slurring still and I was stumbling, but I could think rationally. She punches me in the arm and pushes me on the ground. I am shocked.

I say, "What the f*ck Sara?!!? Stop being a b*tch and listen. I am trying to f*cking help you and keep us safe and get us home and am risking getting arrested for you!"

She says, "Oh yes. You are so much better than me aren't you b*tch! Little miss go-and-call-your-mommy-to-rescue-you."

"That's not fair Sara. I don't want you to get hurt. I was scared that you were being r*ped or something. You do NOT want to be r*ped. It is horrible. I love you and care about you and just want to get back to your house safe and in one piece now please help me. You can be mad at me later, but right now we need to work together." I say.

She replies, (this is paraphrased) "Oh my gosh. I f*cking told you not to hang out with those guys while you were drinking and you did anyway. You got r*ped because of your own stupid fault. You are a filthy sl*t who asked for it. Dumb sl*t! And all of that sh*t you told me about your dad! I don't believe you. You are a liar. You lie about everything. You're disgusting and I hate you and never want to talk to you again. You are not welcome at my house anymore."

I am sobbing now. That was a low f*cking blow... I was shocked. I am not even sure how I responded to be honest... But I just kind of lost hope and began thinking about how right she was. I DO lie a lot. I make up things. I never made anything up about what I told her regarding my dad or r*pes though. I make up things in stories to make them sound better sometimes... I was just heartbroken. I risked all of my future on this c*nt who just pretty much told me how she truly felt... I was very VERY low...

Although she'd never admit it, I know that she meant what she said. At some level at least. I mean, she's told me similar things about my r*pes and my relationship with my dad when she was sober even!
I'll put them below inside of asterisks. These were said a long time ago mind you... and she was sober. So I know she means this deep down somewhat.

**When I told her how much I was struggling. It was only a few weeks after this particular r*pe too... She said, "It wasn't 'real r*pe' so you should really be over it already."

She said, "It kind of WAS your fault. You had been drinking and were kind of asking for it in a sesne."..........

When I told her about stuff my dad did to me (emotional incest and inappropriateness) She said, "I don't believe you. You are making that up. Yout dad wouldn't do that. I cannot believe you. You must be remembering it wrong. Are you sure he wasn't drunk when (if) he did it?"

My reply to her, "Yeah, he was drunk for multiple/consecutive years STRAIGHT and made sure to get me alone so he could 'talk and bond' with me." (even though I know he didn't do this with the intent to hurt me)...

Her reply, "Oh, well, then I don't know. I am sorry I guess." ..............
At least she said sorry. **

Now, continuing with what took place on Saturday... It was before the cops came....

She told me how worthless I was.

She said, "You must be a sh*tty nurse because you don't even have a f*cking job!"
I am stunned... yet again... she starts laughing as if the statement she just made was a hilarious concept.

Then she says, "You still live with your parents and don't have a job. You can't be a very good nurse. No one wants you!!!"
She laughs even more. Then calls me a sl*t again along with more obscenities.

I am crying. Not balwing, just tears rolling down my cheeks. Everything I secretly feel inside my soul that I am too ashamed to admit... She is validating for me... it hurt a
lot.

Right about now the cops pull up, and I think, "Great... I KNEW this would f*cking happen. She's called too much attention.

The cops ask us if we are alright.

I say, "Yes. We are just trying to get back to our car but I'm not from here and don't know which way is what."

He says, "Have you been drinking?"

I am not going to lie. I say, "Yes. We have been drinking. Can you call us a cab please?"

Sara, of course, chimes in with, "Oh she acts like she is so f*cking perfect. She is making me look like I am the only drunk one. She is drunk too. Stupid b*tch."

I say, "No, I know I have been drinking and I admit it. But I just want to get home. Please just cooperate with the officers and let's get home OK? I really do not want to get arrested. Just be cool Sara. Listen."
To which the cop replied, "I think you should listen to your friend here Sara."

Sara said, "Oh you do do you? Well, I don't really f*cking care. That b*tch thinks she is so much better than me. She is a f*cking sell out. She is a sl*t. SL*T! F*ck you guys."

The cop said, "Ma'am, you are this close to getting arrested. You have a really good friend here and frankly, I don't like your f*cking attitude. You better cut it out right now or you will be arrested."

Sara being gutsy as hell said, "Go ahead, arrest me. I don't f*cking care."

I am pleading at this point for her to just shut the f*ck up and for them to PLEASE not arrest her. I apologized for her so many times...
Eventually they listened to me and must have felt bad for me I don't know... But they called us a cab and then left.
Sara and I waited for a good ten minutes but then got antsy. At this point, we had somehow made a square and were fairly close to the car. So, she went ahead and I was so pissed and hurt at this point that I said whatever happens to you happens. Just f*cking go. I'll get a ride some other way. I back tracked and walked to a Salvation Army and called my mom and she and my aunt picked me up.

She had been on the phone for some of the time earlier and had overheard a lot of what Sara had said. My mom was pretty pissed off at her. I asked my mom to pick her up because I didn't want her to try driving and get hurt...

So, we did. We took her home... I went inside and got my sh*t and left and spent the night at my aunt's with my mom instead of with Sara... My day was now ruined. I was so bummed.

The thing is, even after she had said all of what she did and after physically assaulting me a number of times, I STILL risked everything and even PLEADED with the cops and risked that for her. I then went so far as picking her up. I am not trying to boast but I am a good friend. She can't say that I am not. I STILL love the b*tch even now. I just keep making excuses for her... I don't know why.

I can see how she would be upset at me. I can see how it would of looked like I was trying to make it look like I was sober and she was the drunk one. I was. But it wasn't to make her look bad, it was to save our asses. Someone had to be responsible and have their wits about them!!!

I am not sure when exactly this part took place but she punched and pushed me down and I twisted/bruised my ankle really bad and it is hard and was almost impossible to walk on. But I didn't have a choice. I had to walk back to Salvation Army. My head, behind my ear is scabbed up from being pushed into a pole. I am not sure how this happened because this was before we were fighting I thought. My right elbow is all scraped up. I am sore all over. And to make matters worse, I was already sore from roller skating the day before this. My tailbone and knees were black and blue already. So yeah, it was a shit day...

I got this text message from her Sunday morning when I woke up.

Her:
"I'm sorry for everything that happened yesterday we are so stupid why didn't we leave after one drink that was the plan.i didn't even get to see the parade. I was the driver though so that was my fault. I'm sorry I said mean things to u that I didn't mean that wasn't right I just got mad at u cause u kept acting like u werent that drunk and I was the drunk one and how u kept trying to make me look bad in front of everyone we came in contact with. We are better than that we aren't the friends that say horrible mean things to each other and sale each other out and trying to make each other look bad. Thank your mom for me for taking me home. There is one thing I realized last night is that I don't want to drink like that anymore its stupid and immature I wish yesterday would have never happened and I'm sorry if I ruined ur night. I love u"

Me:
"It was not just you. I know I was drunk. I even told the police I was drunk too. But I did not want to act drunk and get public intox and lose nursing license. It was really hard to act that sober. I just could not let us get arrested and I didn't want you walking around by yourself. I'm sorry too. We were freaking Stupid. We both willingly took part. It's both of us. But I think I need to take a break for awhile and think. So dumb. You are loved too. My mom said you're Welcome, she's just glad you and I are safe."

Her:
"Why did we even start walking anyways why didn't those two dumb ass ppl just drive us back to our car or call us a cab."

Me:
"Bcuz they didn't care about us and are more interested in having fun. They weren't caring about us."



Yeah, so that's about it. I know I forgot a lot of stuff... But, oh well, that's most of it.. I am still mad though the more time that passes and I think about what she said and did and how I STILL stuck by her side and risked everything I had and how close I came to getting arrested for her....

So, I know I am at fault, I know it. But can I have a hug or something? Thanks guys... Blessings and love to you all. ♥

♥ Carboard Testimony ♥

That above is the front of my carboard testimony. It is me left to my own past and devices.

 

And this is the back. It is me with Christ's healing and grace in my life. ♥



Porcupine No Longer

Ashamed and frozen in fear, time stops.
Pretending to be asleep; staying very still...
Lying and waiting, pretending it's all just a dream.
NO! Get up! I have to do something! SCREAM!
*Silence*... I don't make a sound. No one can know. Ashamed!
Eyes now scrunched up tight and fists form into balls.
Go into my mind. Pretend I am a porcupine.
Can't touch me! Can't touch me! I am a porcupine!
Doesn't work...
Porcupine's quills have been plucked clean away! Exposed.
Body is a map whose lands have been plundered before.
Monster's fingers are legs, walking the map, exploring it all.
Monster is greedy: taking what is not his to take.
Too scary. So scary. Can't be happening.
Dumb, wretched girl.
Pretend. Pretend. Pretend. Smile. I'm alright.
Tomorrow I'll pretend I don't remember what happened at night.           

Part 1.5 of My Story: Child Physical Abuse

(Entry 1)

*** I am not even sure if this constitutes as physical abuse… But, my dad used to like to play games with me. I still think that to him, they were innocent. He meant nothing bad by them at all. I am just confused because of the details I am going to tell you. Trigger warning.***

~~When I was really little (5 or 6, maybe even before that), my dad used to play games with me. We would horseplay and wrestle around. I actually did love it. They were fun. It made me ornery. Sure, the games kind of hurt sometimes but dad would be laughing and so would I because he was. They were our games so it had to be OK right?

This one thing in particular is standing out to me. I always have known we did it. There is not repression at all. It has always been there, but recently I have been questioning whether or not it was abusive...

The game was called "Indian Torture”. It would start with us wrestling around. I would be hysterically laughing and enjoying myself. He eventually would pin me down on my back (or I am ashamed to say I would also willingly lie there...) he would do this thing with his hand. He would make it into a certain shape. I will try and explain it: Make a fist, take your middle F-you finger and put it up, now bend it back down but not at the base joint where the other ones still in the fist are bent at, bend it at the middle joint so it is not flush with the other ones. (Sorry if that made no sense lol).

He then would put that middle finger knuckle that was sticking up from the others on my sternum and rub really hard. It hurt a lot. He would sometimes not rub it into my sternum but would bang it on my sternum really fast (It was kind of what a sewing machine looks like when in use; up and down really fast. That is how I have always thought it to be like. I know it is an odd association.) You could actually hear his knuckle hitting against my bone. He would be laughing and I would be laughing too and say "Ow that hurts." but would still be laughing. I was weird and messed up. I usually asked to play this game and I don't know why.... I WANTED it I guess. Which makes me bad. I feel bad.

The odd thing is, when/if I did ask him to stop (when I eventually had enough) the more I struggled to get free the more he did it and the more excited he got. Even back in July when he came into my room at night; when I tried to push him off of me and tell him “no” the more I did the more excited he got and the more compelled he was to continue. After awhile I guess he gave up but still... It has always been like that. He never stops when you want him to. He just doesn't, he has to keep going and keep going until you get mad at him. Like REALLY mad. Even then he will laugh and find it funny and will make this smirky and surprised face, one that would make me smile despite being mad. I couldn't and still can't not smile. Then it makes him think I am not mad and actually am enjoying it.

I guess I am confused because he didn't mean to do these things to hurt me. They were just games. He did get too rough obviously but he loves me I know he does. Sure, he is inappropriate and had boundary issues about sexual talk and other things like that when I was a child (and even now) but he DOES love me. I hate painting him as the bad guy.
Maybe he didn't rub/"bang" my sternum as hard as I thought he did but it just felt like it because I was so little? His hand was as big as my whole sternum. Actually it was probably bigger because I was always a really little kid. I was much smaller than everyone else my age. That was just how we played: rough. He liked to play rough, but that is what daddy's do. That is what boys do. They are rough. Doesn't mean he doesn't love me... I am just all mixed up and have so much anger at him.

My dad also did things such as "snake bites" but this is normal I think. It is something school kids do to each other or like what siblings may even do? I am not sure. He use to tickle me a lot and hold me down, pin me to where I was trapped and couldn't get up. I laughed because it tickled but I didn't always like it after awhile ya know? It got tiring... But I couldn't get up and he NEVER stopped when asked. That made him more excited and made him do it even more. It is like that with everything he does. He still does this with everything (whether it be something physical or just him being obnoxious and talking to me or poking me or talking during a movie. He knows I don't like it and does it because he finds it funny.) Like doesn't stop doing things I don't like even when asked. Eventually he will stop once I get furious with him but then he gets all hurt and offended and says how mean and terrible I am to him and how I must not love him like I used to... Then I feel bad...


(Entry 2)

**Memory: Possible trigger warning for physical child abuse**

I was maybe 7 or 8 or so when this happened... Maybe a year younger, perhaps a year older... It takes place at my grandma's house... How I loved that house and her!!! I was there everyday almost from birth until 13 or more...

*Background information: Just down the street from grandma's house was a a place called Ellis' Tenderloin. They served pretty much everything, it was like a burger joint... Grandma and I used to go there at least once a week. We would walk down together and get malts and a burger. It was our time together. We loved it♥. On the side of the building was a huge pig made out of plywood. It was Porky the Pig off of Loony Tunes. I LOVED that darn pig. Don't ask me why because I couldn't tell you. It just made me smile everytime we went there and I would always, without fail, comment to grandma about how much I LOVED that pig. It meant so much to me I can't even explain it. It is stupid I know. Children are facinated by the silliest things it seems...*

OK now back to the memory... I am with my dad in his Broncho and we are driving to grandma's house. We turn onto her street and I see the pig is gone. It is no where to be seen. My heart crumbles. I start hard core bawling. Sobbing and everything. My dad tell me to stop. I don't.

I remember being in grandma's living room and runnning to her bawling my eyes out. She holds me and sits with me in the rocking chair and rocks me. She asks me why I am crying... I manage to get out in between my hiccupy sobs "Our pig is gone." I start wailing again. She knows exactly what I mean. She just keeps rocking me... After awhile my dad gets pissed off that I am still crying... I don't know if he grabbed me out of the chair or if I followed him or what but next thing I know I am in the kitchen being taken onto the back porch... Dad grabs me and rips my pants off then my panties. I am completely bare. I know what is coming. I am cowared in the corner and really hysterical.... He takes his belt off (which is constructed of multiple tiny thin strips of leather that is woven together. Some of the strands are loose as it was a very old belt, they acted as 'mini whips'). He looks so mad at me right now... I am crying so hard... The kind of sobs that don't even sound like sobs. I can no longer stop them even if I want to... They are the hiccupy, involuntary, diaphragmatic spasms that cannot be controlled. Like a dry heave. Anyway, he says if I want to cry then he will give me something to cry about. He grabs me out of the corner and hits me across my bottom with the belt. He hits me again. Each time he hits me he is saying that as long as I am crying he will keep using the belt... At this point I am no longer crying over "our pig" I am crying over the excruciating pain that he is inflicting. I am hiccuping rather... He just isn't stopping. I am begging him in between breathless sobs to stop, trying to tell him that I'm not actually crying but rather hiccuping.. Oh my fucking gosh I tried so hard to please him and quit crying. I tried to quit those fucking hiccups. I couldn't... It hurt so bad I almost passed out...

I am not sure what caused him to stop. It goes fuzzy. It seemed like forever... I don't know if I just wore myself out from crying so hard or if he got tired or bored, or what. I just know I am lying on the porch shaking. I am looking around it hurts to move really. I feel like throwing up due to the spasms and the pain. I don't remember what happens after this...
Wait, I do remember grandma trying to soothe me and she said that I should have listened to daddy and stopped crying and he wouldn't have had to do "this", meaning the belt...

Why did I have to (re)remember this? I always wondered why when I watch Loony Tunes and Porky the Pig comes on my stomach get a tight feeling... I guess maybe this is why....


****There are quite a few other instances that come to mind when he hurt me, but he honestly didn't mean them as bad I don't think... I mean, he loves me... He truly does. I am just confused... In his defense, a lot of time I legitimately deserved to be punished. I think he sometimes went too far but I did deserve punishment... ****

Thank you for reading. Blessings. ♥

I am a Survivor of.....

I have Survived:

Covert/emotional inc*st and 'inappropriateness' by my dad. He poisoned me against my mom but I don't think he meant to...
There was some physical abuse as a child (corporal punishment gone-too-far) but not too much of it.

My grandma and aunts (dad's mom and sisters) only further enabled by dad to continue the dysfunction and they poisoned my mind against my mom through their thoughts and manipulation; this pushed me even closer to my dad because I felt bad for him and felt such intense love for him... I was on his side and I felt it was my duty to take on his burdens and his sexual problems and all of that insane crazy stuff no child should be put under... And in all of this happening, it caused me to be even more enmeshed with him so he could use me even more for his needs. It's like they all groomed me. Almost like programming in a loose sense of the word. I don't know. The screwed up part is, none of this was on purpose to hurt me. I am not even sure they knew they were hurting me... Dysfunction runs so deep.

Domestic Abuse: physical, mental, verbal, emotional, spiritual, and sexual abuse (1 count of an*l r*pe and multiple v*ginal r*pes) by him. Ages 17-19. He was a sadist. It was torturous.

Acquaintance d*gital (finger) r*pe by my ex boyfriend's "best friend" while I was drunk. It happened 12/29/11. He is no longer friends with him though. (Still have yet to blog about this one however.) I was 20.

Acquaintance d*gital (finger) r*pe by my dad's best friend while I was drunk. It happened 09/22/12. He is still friends with him even though he knows what happened. He blames me... (Still have yet to blog about this one too.)

Verbal and emotional abuse by grandfather from infancy/toddlerhood to 11 or 12 years old (Although I do not remember as far back as infancy, I am sure that it more than likely occurred because I was in that environment while my grandma watched me as a child. And as far as I know, my grandpa has always been verbally and emotionally abusive.)

Precription drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and marijuana abuse: pills and marijuana started when I was 15 or 16 (clean from pills since 16 or 17), slipped up on the marijuana a several months ago, other than that stopped using, alcohol started when I was 14 or 15, I drink still but not heavily like I used to although I am currently working on my drinking as well.

Self injury starting at the age of 13, I still use this method of coping unfortunately.

ED (Eating disorder), binging and purging, started in middle school. I still struggle with this sometimes but very rarely.

A "suicide attempt" by ODing on a mixture of various prescription pills and a lot of whiskey. (This is what prodded me to get help and get clean. It was against my will though but looking back I am glad I was forced to go.) I say "suicide attempt" because it was not to exactly kill myself... I wanted to get high, forget, just cease feeling and being. The thought, "If I take this many pills and drink this much, I could very easily die... Hell, I am OK with that." I almost felt like it was a perk.

I have been diagnosed with ADHD since I was 9. I have depression, anxiety, PTSD and some OCD tendencies. I also dissociate a lot. 

Part 2 of My Story: Domestic Abuse

C was my first everything. I was very naive and innocent in some ways. I trusted him. He was so cunning and he told me everything that I wanted to hear. I believed him. Who knows maybe he did love me at the time in his own sick and warped way... It doesn't really matter. It was perfect for the first 4-6 months I'd say. I had fallen in love with him and he knew it.

He started to get really controlling though. I didn't pay any mind to it though because I loved him so much. After awhile the controlling just became progressively worse. He would tell me what I can and cannot say or do or think or dress and if I didn't do these to his liking he would ridicule me. It got to the point where he would bring up my childhood and would throw it in my face. Like it was my fault. He said I was a screw up from a sick and f*cked up family. He would throw my dad into the equation just a bunch of sh*t he shouldn't throw at my face. (You don't do that to someone who has been hurt. Hell, you don't do it to anyone... You just don't. Inside all people is an inner child. Some are happy some are sad and scared. You don't bring up one's childhood to use it against them especially when it is painful. That child (my inner child) was so afraid and hurt by what he did. [If this makes no sense I am sorry. It is all true though]). That hurt sooo bad I can't even explain. I was just scum. Then he would turn around and awhile later apologize and beg for forgiveness and for me not to leave. He swore he would change. And he did, for awhile, sometimes for a couple weeks sometimes for a month or so. He would be the guy I had fallen in love with. It would be like nothing had changed. I stayed for those moments. I put blinders on I think. I was in such denial. I kept telling myself it wasn't that bad.

It went from verbal and mental abuse to physical. He would grab me and throw me into walls or pin me on the bed or wherever he wanted to really. He would drag me by my hair. I think the one time I really thought, "Sh*t, I should have left. I am going to die. He is going to kill me..." was when he had me pinned on the floor and had his hands wrapped around my throat. He was choking me and I couldn't breathe. I started to blackout and he must have realized what he was doing because he jumped up and was wigging out asking for me to forgive him. I just stayed lying there on the floor. I was in total shock. If I said I wouldn't forgive him or retaliated at all the abuse would resume so saying "Yes C I forgive you" was the best option. There were other physical things but you get the picture. I think he liked the control. It was all about control. He had a narcissistic personality and he was very manipulative.

I would have taken the physical stuff over the verbal or mental abuse any day though. I mean, none of it was fun but the verbal and mental abuse really took its toll. He would tell me things like I wasn't really that pretty and that I was too wide in the hips, then I was skinny, too skinny, then I was beautiful. "Wow Chantel, you are a f*cking stupid sh*t for thinking you are ugly. Don't you know you are gorgeous?" he would say. He would constantly play mind games. It got to the point where I was walking on egg shells around him because I was so scared of what would set him off. It could be a slight smile at the wrong time or a shirt I was wearing he didin't think fit his mood.

I honestly cannot explain the way he manipulated my mind. He would tell me something and then if I didn't listen to what he told me I would "pay". It was so confusing because once I listened to what it was he wanted to tell me or convince me of, he would turn around and say that I was making it all up and that he would NEVER have said that... I would argue and say, "Yes, you JUST told me this." Well, arguing made him mad and then it just made it all worse in some way or another. So, I started to believe that he really didn't tell me that and that I actually WAS just making it all up. He convinced me I was crazy. The threats, physical pain and abuse, emotional/mental/spiritual abuse and mind control (almost like brainwashing), and sexual violence (more r*pes than I care to think about) and then the loving nature and wonderful treatment after the abuses and the confusion it brought on really all just contributed to making me feel insane. Literally. This cycle of telling me something or doing something to me and then convincing me that he didn't do it (or that I was just misconstruing the details and exaggerating what did happen into something it was not) was not just a one or two time thing. It happened multiple times in a day sometimes; followed by him acting loving and nice towards me and him saying that I was crazy for thinking he didn't love me or for thinking that he was EVER bad to me. How could I think he was bad to me? Was I nuts? I must indeed be nuts for thinking such a thing... OR instead of him showing love after these mind-invasions he would coerce me into believing him by physical abuse or intimidation. It made me go into a dissociative state. Everything got really foggy and I kind of just spaced out... I never knew what to expect with him. He kept me guessing. I was always on the defensive. It was terrorizing but I learned to sort of "blank out" while it was happening. And the sick part was was that I ACTUALLY believed it was MY fault he did these things and that I did something to cause him to do all of this. I think deep down I knew but I just so badly wanted it to be normal and alright?...

((((Sorry if you don't agree with it... I know it is gray area r*pe... If it even is r*pe. I was told by some people I know that are survivors of SA and DV that this is r*pe because similar things happened to them but my best friend said this was just sex and it is not r*pe because sometimes her hubby wants sex and she dosen't really want to but she does anyway... The difference is, her hubby didn't abuse her into compliance like C did with me... I felt almost coerced... I don't know I can't explain it... Sorry. Maybe it wasn't r*pe... Now I just feel dirty and sick.))))

About the r*pes... I just recently realized that they were even r*pe. You see, it would usually start out with a barrage of verbal, emotional, and mental attacks and then the physical stuff. Usually I would be mad and I would even sometimes fight back a little but that didn't end up well. Long story short, after he was done roughing me up a bit he wanted to day he was sorry and wanted to have sex... I obviously didn't want to have sex with him. For one, I was p*ssed at him for the things he said and did and I would feel in pain depending what he had done to me... BUT, I never really resisted. I just thought, "it's my duty do have sex with him..." he knew I didn't want to. My body language and facial expressions told that I was NOT into it... And, sometimes I even groaned and sighed to tell him I wasn't interested... I honestly was kind of scared to straight up say 'no' because I didn't want him to be super mad at me again and scream and berate me and push me around... I guess I just 'spaced out' while we were having sex. I know he knew I didn't want to. I mean, what person honestly would want to have sex after having done to them what he did? He could tell that 'I wasn't fully present' during sex and could have stopped to ask me what was wrong or if I was ok. I can't imagine how he wouldn't have noticed... I just think he didn't care. He didn't care enough to not hurt me in every other way why would he care if I wasn't really enjoying the sex like he was?

He knew how to twist his words to make you think sh*t smelt like roses. He was one way in front of people, calm, collected, nice, and loving towards me. Once we got in closed door the facade came down and he was his real self. He got me to believe that it was my fault. I honestly believed I did everything to cause this. If I just hadn't of said that or worn this or looked at him that way he wouldn't have had a reason to do what he did. It was my fault. It IS my fault.

I was brainwashed. It was like a spell I was under I swear. Once I was gone and away from him for a few months I saw how wrong it was and how toxic it all was. I hadn't been eating. I was down to 95 lbs because I was so nervous all the time. I still am little but not that little.

*******TRIGGER WARNING*******
C also r*ped me. An*lly. Uuuugh. ***Details*** We were fooling around and were getting ready to have sex. He asked me if I wanted to do an*l. (We had tried to once before and I didn't really like it and I just didn't want to do it at this time)... So, I said, "No not this time either, someday I will do it with you but I just want to have regular sex."
So, we start having sex. He was behind me. He pulled out for a second or two and I was confused and then he just shoved it inside of me pretty much dry without any lubrication at all. I screamed. It hurt so bad. I couldn't breathe very easily due to the pain. I managed to ask why he did that. He said he accidentally "slipped". So after it was over I went to the bathroom. There was blood. For like a week after there was blood. *******END DETAILS*******

Sorry, I am embarrassed.. Maybe I shouldn't have shared this part... But, it is part of my story... I don't think anyone will be understand this or what I went through or why I did the things I did and stayed if they haven't been in it themselves... I still am fearful I will be judged for acting the way I did and for staying... for that, maybe I did deserve what happened because I was stupid enough to stay because I was so controlled and warped... When he r*ped me I would go into a dissociative state so I didn't really do anything about it... I just freakin' laid there... Sigh *sobs*