New Beliefs and More realizations

So it's been awhile since I've written anything but I don't follow the Christian viewpoint anymore. And I am okay with that. I would like to call myself spiritual. I believe in God. I believe in my Higher Self. I work to align my chakras and be more full of love. That's my goal: to love. I guess that's my "religion". Love all things. Show love. Be love. I believe in reality-creation. We make our own reality. We are our future.

Also, I've realized my dad and mom and the rest of my family never meant to hurt me. I mean, I always knew this, but now I accept it. And I know for a fact the stuff my dad did wasn't for sexual gain. He just needed a confidant. So technically there was verbal sexual abuse but sexual gratification wasn't his intentions. He would never do that. The covert/emotional incest was bad enough and it messed me up so much. The beltings and other abuses were really bad although semi-infrequent.

Yes, my dad is sick in the fact that he gets off on causing physical pain. I can't explain away the "torture" type of activities. And yes I still do feel like I was intentionally brainwashed/programmed  by his family and him in a sense. But regardless of any of this, I forgive them all and accept this and love them all and know they truly do love me.

I'm blessed to have them as my family. It could have been worse but it could have been a hell of a lot better. And I am still angry with the abuse as a child but it helps to know for sure (I just know, don't ask me how) he isn't perverted. He is sick in the head but he does love me. I just wish he hadn't played the 'games' he did because now I am like him. I get off on inflicting pain. I am mean to animals and think of it as a game. I have so many programmed responses due to his abuse. But unlike him I try to retrain myself. He doesn't. I can unlearn the things he taught me. I'll make that my mission. I won't be my dad.

A Dark Web Inside

So, it's been really difficult. Yesterday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a drive. I was the one driving and I didn't really have any single destination in place. We went to get something to eat, going to my hometown. Since we were in my hometown, I decided to start driving around. After awhile, I decided to take some back roads in the country. I ended up coming out at a highway near my hometown but outside city limits. I knew exactly where I was. So I took a right on this highway. I kept going, all the while growing more anxious inside; feeling something dark, evil, and sinister creep into my mind. It felt like something was on the tip of my tongue - a word that I couldn't quite find. Except it wasn't really a word. It was these terrible feelings: pure dread, terror, shame and disgust that seemed to come out of no where. Along with these feelings, I would have these images and/or memories (of my childhood with my dad at 'the property') pop up. The thing is, these images/memories were not bad memories. They were good and happy memories. Which is why it is confusing for me because I can't understand why I have these terrible feelings associated with these good memories.

It honestly felt like I was right on the edge of making some sort of correlation between these feelings and these images/memories and then *POOF* it was gone. Right on the tip of the tongue... It almost felt like on the surface, these memories and images I was having were pretty and nice, but take off the veil and you will see all the dirtiness underneath that is hidden away. The thing is, I have no memory of anything bad happening in my childhood at 'the property'. Thus is my confusion.

So, anxiety ever-rising, I continue to drive on. Trying my best to shake out of my head and body these terrible feelings I was having... Drive. Drive. Drive. Keep on driving, something compelling me to drive a few towns over on the back roads to 'the property' (land my dad owns where I spent most of my childhood free time here. My dad's best friend owns land bordering ours. This land is one of the places where I was r*ped by dad's said best friend.) Now, that makes sense why I would have bad feelings associated with these places then doesn't it? Except the thing is most of these memory flashes were from when I was really young. Hunting trips, hiking, fishing, 4-wheeling, etc. dad and I used to take together on the hundreds of acres of land... The r*pe by his friend happened when I was 21. So it couldn't be associated with that. No, this feels like there is something deep down inside my head. Something I can 'see' but really can't actually see. I am not aware of it. But I can sense something dark and depraved. A dark ball of web deep inside me... Tainting me.

My boyfriend had no idea where we were or why I was driving to where I was driving. He was just sitting there in his seat. My boyfriend also had no clue I was struggling as I was not flipping out like I normally would. I was in a dissociative state kind of. Internally I was going crazy but for some reason I couldn't talk about it. I felt like I was being silenced. Physically and mentally incapable of talking about this... I felt like I wasn't supposed to talk about these things. It would be bad... Not allowed... Bad girl... So, I demanded silence. Which was rude of me because every time my boyfriend tried to talk I would snap at him... I just was so close to breaking that I couldn't handle any stimulation... I felt I was going insane...

I had no idea why I was driving to 'the property' except that I felt compelled to drive there... I felt like I was being called/pulled there and it was so hard to fight. It felt like it does when I HAVE to hurt myself. The SI/SUI feelings I get that are so strong, I can't fight them. It feels like I am being controlled; like SI/SUI is a preprogrammed response to when I remember something or start to talk about these things to someone (my T or my boyfriend)... (I wonder if they are related somehow...?)

I drove to at least 3 or 4 different places all in the same area of the property. Every time I drove by one of these places I felt a "click" and then terrible, terrifying feelings would seep into me. Pure terror... The feeling and/or thought, "Something terrible happened here." But that was all it amounted to... Torture... Long story short I ended up driving by a river bottom with lots of cornfields (cornfields sometimes trigger me but I don't know why), a trail leading to our property, and 'the cabin' where I was r*ped by dad's friend. I did drive to one place that was not related to 'the property'. It was the house of a different best friend of my dad's and his friend's mom's house which is right next door. I used to go there a lot as a child. Nothing bad happened there either that I can remember but I still have these gut-wrenching feelings when I go by these places or when I think about them. And I have no idea why... Even just typing this all out, my heart rate has increased... I am trembling. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty. I feel like a dirty wh*rish girl. Need to be punished...... I am sorry. I am so lost....

Does It Really Matter?

I've often had this question and I know other survivors have it too: What is better? Being tortured with no love and all abuse? Or "loving" torture, mind games, and physical abuse with periods of intense sadistic abuse mixed in?

One of my main abusers (my father) hurt me very covertly. He even tortured me too (bending joints the wrong way just before the breaking point, pinching and grinding nerve bundles, tickle torture, throwing ice water on me while I am naked in shower, mind games, mental conditioning/pr*gr*mming, beatings, restraining me, deceit, trickery, all feigning love and playful games, etc...).

He liked to see that I was in pain but he never said this to me. He actually made it into a game. He told me I liked it. He tickled me relentlessly while hurting me in terribly painful ways at the same time so I would be confused about it all. I associated the bad torture pain with tickling and so I laughed while I was in pain. This has my current idea of love and genuinely playful "games" that I should be able to have with my bf messed up. My thinking is severely changed. How I perceive the world and people around me. How I perceive their actions and how I react to them. See, I thought those things between dad and I were all just games.

Even the possible sexual abuse wasn't direct so I am confused about that as well. I don't know his intentions at all. So I have often just wished he had been terrible and vicious and overt with it all so I would know without a doubt what did and did not take place. Then I might finally be able to feel like my anger and pain are justified. At the same time, I get very confused because he DOES love me. And most of the time he was a good dad. More now than he was when I was a child. But I know he loves me in very good ways. He himself is just messed up like me...

I think the main issue here, that I have realized now, is that ALL survivors think this way. ALL abuse is bad and no matter the intentions behind it, it obviously affects us all and leaves us with the same unanswered questions...

I can 100% see how one could think and feel the way how one is worse than the other. Just as I can see how I feel how I do. But it's really all the same.

I'm supporting you all!!!

More Shit....

Talked to my boyfriend. He said it is NOT a coincidence that every member of my family (mom, sister, dad, and yourself) has dissociative issues. Abuse seems to go back generations. But so far I have no recoedtion of sexual abuse as a child... Not "real" sexual anuse anyway. Only physical and mental, emotional, verbal, spiritual maybe even.

But this morning, I was exhausted and passed out fast once in bed. I had my back turned to my boyfriend who was also asleep or just about asleep. I had just fallen asleep. But he didn't know that and he started touching me, down there, and all over and at first I wasn't aware of it but kind of felt it at the same time. Well, during this I got scared and froze and pretended to be asleep. Even though I was very much sleepy I was semi-awake at this point. Then all the sudden he grabbed my leg and pulled me under the blankets and starting going down on me. Well, all the sudden I just wanted to scream, "Daddy!!! Stop!" "Daddy, daddy."

But all the sudden I realized it was my boyfriend... And boy am I glad I didn't call him daddy. And I started to really get into it and I was able to have a healthy remainder of the intimate moments thereafter. For that I am glad. I love my boyfriend and later in the day told him that I wasn't fully present in the beginning and that I kept wanting to scream 'daddy'. He wasn't mad at me but he was very upset with himself. He didn't know I wasn't awake in the beginning.

I'm just glad I was able to enjoy pure love and intimacy after the initial scare and fear and panic.

But the thing that I wanted to say is, maybe this isn't all in my head. Maybe there really is something there... I mean, all my family have dissociative issues and now after something traumatic (in perception but not intentionally done by my boyfriend) do I almost call him daddy and even thought it was my dad in a suit and mask that looked like my boyfriend at one point. I thought my dad had somehow got in my boyfriend's body?! How illogical is that? It's getting hard to dismiss this all away. The only drawback here is I have NO memories of sexual abuse and so this just doesn't make sense to me. And I logically knew that it wasn't my dad in bed with me but a part of me was terrified inside and just scared. But my dad loves me and wouldn't have hurt me like that!!!!! 😡

But what if he did?........... 😢

Therapy, "Possible Revelations", Switch to different shift... Life is ultra-chaotic.

So, first of all, I have been switched to full time night nurse. So 10pm - 6am full time. I never get to see my boyfriend now because he works 2-10 and we see each other in passing. I knew this would more than likely affect our relationship but didn't know to what extent... Well, it has been pretty bad.

For one, I am physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I have cried more these last several weeks than I have in the last year or more. It is crazy how emotional I am. All I do is just cry. Granted I have been dealing a lot with memories I think and flashbacks but still. In fact, one day after a fight with my boyfriend (who from now on I will refer to as S), I cried to the point where I was hicupping and gagging and literally in a ball trembling and heaving on the floor just trying to get some air... It sent me back to terrible flashbacks of when I would cry like that when my dad belted me or when I would be hurt in other ways (emotionally or physically or from terror and fear). And it was just absolutely terrible. I cried like this for like 2 hours... This was after a 10pm - 6am shift and I didn't end up falling asleep until 10am...

Also, I have been having revelations or memories or whatever... The thing is, I don't think they are really memories. Or at least not repressed memories because as far as a know I have always known this... It just all the sudden came to be and clicked and I remembered it. But once I remembered it it seemed as if I'd always known it... Confusing much?

So basically my body always hurts... I am pretty sure I have Fibromyalgia. I have what appears to be Reynaud's Syndrome and have PTSD and have had GERD most of my life (including childhood). All of these are known to go hand-n-hand with Fibromyalgia... But the pain I have been having lately seems to be different. This specific pain I am talking about is primarily my ankles and wrists. Then one night while in bed with my boyfriend, I had an 'aha' moment. This pain all the sudden made sense. Or at least I had a possible explanation. What it is that I 'remembered' is this: my dad used to hurt my wrists. When I was really little (and also not so little) my dad would put his big hand and wrap it completely around my wrist and hand and squeeze. So he would put his four fingers on the outside of my forearm right below by hand and his thumb and part of his palm on the outside of my hand and squeeze. In doing this, it would force my wrist and palm of my hand to 'meet'. I could feel it grinding and popping and it would hurt so bad. But he would stop once it got to a certain point... I told my boyfriend about this while lying in bed and said, "I think I know why my wrists hurt so bad all the time. My dad used to hurt me, hurt them, along with the other things he would do that hurt me." He said my dad tortured me. But isn't torture something that is really bad? Like setting someone on fire or something?

Move on to yesterday in therapy. I told my T about how I miss talking to my sister and how they (her staff and my mother and my cousin/my sister's POA won't let me talk to her. They told her she isn't allowed to call me at all as punishment and if she does she will be punished again. I understand she did bad things and got into trouble but this isn't going to help her. It's going to make her worse... She has a LOT of mental issues and is 100% blind... I love her and miss her... It makes me so sad and angry... It's not fair. How can they keep us from talking... I just don't get it...

I also told my T about the wrist and ankle thing... I told her, "I think I know why my wrists have been hurting so bad all the time. You already know that my dad has hurt me but I don't think I ever told you about this. See, my dad used to hurt my wrists along with the other bad things he would do that hurt me. But while he did it he would be telling me 'I love you' and 'Isn't this fun?' At the same time sometimes he would be tickling me so I would be feeling funny feelings and laughing hysterically but yowling in pain and it was so confusing for me because he was doing it in a loving manner." Not once did it occur to me that his intentions were bad. But then again, I have broken my left wrist but I have no recollection of ever hurting my right wrist. So maybe it is both things causing this pain that drives me mad.

Well she also told me that my dad tortured me... This just makes no sense to me... I can't grasp it.

My boyfriend has this ability to hear people's thoughts sometimes. I believe him because he has proved it to me by telling me some of the things I have been thinking from time to time. It doesn't scare me in the slightest. And I have been able to do this before a few times also so it makes sense to me. So the last time my boyfriend and I were at my parent's house my dad ended up going to the ER because he was in excruciating pain. Before he left, my boyfriend told me that he looked at my mom and me and thought to himself (which my boyfriend heard), "They (meaning my mom and myself) can never know. They will never know." And then he left. I don't know what he meant by this but my boyfriend told me it had a sinister and sneaky vibe to it and that maybe my dad isn't as innocent as he seems... What the heck I can't understand...

Last but not least, I told my T that my dad seems to do things in front of my boyfriend, almost like he is daring him or seeing what he can get away with? He makes references and advances to my breasts and slaps my butt. And then he will purposefully bring these incidents back up to my boyfriend when they are alone and ask him what he thinks of them and if he finds them funny. What the hell dad?!

So I told my T this and she said she thinks my dad thinks he has ownership over me and is trying to assert his power over me in front of my boyfriend to prove this to him... Right when she said that, I had another 'aha' moment. I told her, "One time my dad smacked my butt and I got really mad. I told him I didn't like it and that he had no right to do it to me and he got this pleased look on his face. It looked like he was almost happy that I challenged him or something. Eager. He replied back to me. 'I am your dad and I can touch your little ass and damn time I want to." and then he walked out the door."

She just nodded her head... Also, we talked about the fact that my mom was abused in many ways, including sexually, as a child but denies it because she has no recollection of it at all.. My dad also had a shitty childhood... But neither of them talk about it... I also know that my mom's dad was severely physically abused by his mom. Forced to hug a tree and then forced to have his wrists tied together so he couldn't get away and then severely beaten and hurt. He ran away at the age of 14 and lived by himself ever since... So, I guess abuse goes back many generations in my family? This was also an 'aha' moment for me... Is this all f*cking connected???

My head was spinning by the time I left my therapy appointment.

The Mind of Someone Else

The Mind of Someone Else

*Story Teller*

How does one explain this?

Can you open your eyes and see?

Bad things happen in this world;

Things that should never be.

So stop a moment to gather

The thoughts inside your head.

Step on a different path of life

Of Someone Else instead.

*Someone Else*

How can I explain this?

Can I help you see?

I once was a smaller form;

A child with a desperate plea.

Fear enveloped being,

Wrapped in other’s hate;

Creating inside myself:

Rage. Guilt. Shame.

I grew up despite this,

Thinking I was free.

Living day-to-day

Surviving in a dream.

An alternate reality

Where Other’s took my place

Allowing me to survive the pain.

This was a gift of grace.

*Someone Else: Internal World*

Foggy void, voices heard

Drifting in, no more words

Space and time unravel, unwind:

Sitting behind the Third.

But once inside, I look out

At a new world and I watch birds.

Beings that are beautiful and true

Distractions from the reality

Of forced agony with you…

*Someone Else: The Change*

Now I feel I can explain it.

Finally, I can see!

No longer a small child

But a woman who can be free!

Freedom from guilt, shame, fear, and rage.

All of those are from yesterday.

And admittedly still, I feel the pain

But it doesn't have to control Me today.

I can live out my life untarnished

With my Guide, my Love, and my Light unharnessed.

What's Been Coming Through

For a while in my life the last few years, off and on, there was some beautiful moments of repose. The last of which was several months ago. Don't get me wrong, I have always been struggling, but it was at least do-able. I actually thought I was starting to 'get over' this stuff. I guess it was just wishful thinking.

Or maybe it was just me thinking, "Wow. Can it really be this easy? Is it finally over?!"

But then the answer to that question came pounding hard on the door of my brain... The answer I was so hoping would never come to me... I find myself thinking, "Why did I even ask that?! Did I jinx myself?"

But in all actuality, I know that it was never over. I just had some periods where it didn't hurt as bad. I am not sure of the reasons. I guess they don't really even matter really. All I know is that I can't keep hiding with my head in the sand. I have to face this pain. I have to face reality:

I. WAS. R*PED (as an adult and teen countless times). I WAS ABUSED AND TORTURED EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY (as a child).

I have a feeling that I was even hurt in ways I may not be aware of. I have reasons for this... I do.
I have been becoming more aware of things and they point to a possible truth. I can't be sure yet, so I won't say 'yes' or 'no' to the question, "Did this happen to me?" or "Was I abused as a young child and just blanked it out?" or "Was there sexual abuse in my childhood?"
Perhaps I'll never know the answer to this, I don't know...

What I DO know however is the things I have been experiencing.

But before getting into that, I feel I should explain some other things first. I met this guy. I love him. We are living together and looking for somewhere to move. I am happy with him. He treats me with respect and loves me for who I am. I didn't know guys were this kind to women.

He is able to make connections with the spirit world. He is able to obtain higher levels of consciousness. I too have done this throughout my life but not to the extent that he has. He has been trying to help me heal by methods of metaphysics and meditation. He is able to hear and talk to my subconscious. He talks to C.C. (a child part). He says things have happened to her. I of course cannot believe this as 100% true because I haven't experienced that. He has even told me that he is not going to tell me what did or did not happen. He can suggest things and tell me what C.C. said (with her permission I would hope) but he wants me to come to the conclusions myself. It may take years... And that thought terrifies me.

Now for the things I have been experiencing that cause me to question my childhood experiences...

• Random body pains that seem to come out of no where (wrist pain, ankle pain, long bones, joints, v*gina, an*s, and other things like that)

• INTENSE emotions that come out of no where (or at least seem to): the worst of these are the guilt, shame, and anger

• The anger is more of a seething and it is so overpowering, all I can do sometimes is pace around and grunt like an animal. When this happens I want to hurt myself REALLY badly. I want to kill myself, I want to not eat. I want to do anything that will punish me for the feelings I am having. And I want to hurt myself for the guilt and shame I feel. I usually feel all these things at the same time and cycle back and forth, It's so unbearable. And I wish I could verbalize to him how truly unbearable these feelings and pains I get are, but I can't find the words to describe the horror of them... I am beginning to wonder if they aren't latent emotions that are now coming back to be processed.

• I will get these 'flashes' in my head of something but as soon as I 'see' it, it's gone. Usually this puts me in a dissociative state followed with a severe headache.

• Second nature reactions I have: ingrained thought patterns... "It's my duty to make people feel good." "I have to have sex even if I don't want it: Fake it to make it." "I am a bad bad girl." "I am revolting and unworthy of happiness." things along those lines...

• Suicide/self-injury triggers that cause me to feel like I HAVE to hurt myself or kill myself. It's about nearly impossible sometimes to NOT do what I feel I am being compelled to do. It's almost as if someone pushes a "suicide" or "self-injury" button inside my head/system and it sets off a chain reaction that has been put there on purpose... I doubt this makes any sense... And it's not just suicide or self-injury buttons; there are also other triggers or 'switches' that cause me to switch or regress to a different state and it doesn't matter how much reorienting I do, I am in this state of being and feeling terror and disgust. Sometimes I feel like vomiting because it's so terrible.

I have so much more to say but I can't keep going... This is killing me. I am so tired all the time. I feel tired in every way one can feel tired. I am so upset about all of this. And I wish I could just do what my boyfriend tells me to do, but what he doesn't understand is that a lot of these things are uncontrollable for me. I literally have no say so over what I feel. And no matter how many times I tell him, "It's not that easy." he doesn't get it. Not 100% anyway. God knows he tries and I thank him for that, but I can't expect him or anyone else for that matter to know what this is like. I wish no one knew what this was like. It is torture...

Thanks for reading this if you even got this far... Support and comments appreciated. Blessings and healing vibes to you all.

Is This Me?

This is a picture of my brain I did while inpatient. *Note* Not all parts are there. Only what I sensed at the time. This is very new to me. 

I've been drinking A LOT lately. Smoked weed, a lot of it. It was really good, but I did feel guilty at the same time only because I'm a nurse. I have been popping pills. I need to stop. I don't see a problem with weed in all actuality. Only the negative connotations society has placed upon it and as a nurse I need to be careful.

And been self-injuring a lot lately too: burning.
Scars litter my body - proof of the pain I hold inside. Some of which I'm not even aware of.

The insiders who live with me in my brain hold it. Each of us hold this freaking pain as our own little proof that we're real. Not much of anything to hold onto really, but hey, it's ours.

Sometimes I hate living and I get mad at C.C. - AKA: Small One. She's so stupid and small and pathetic. I am not sure of her age, but it varies from age 3 to about 10. It is like she has different ages too. Like she herself split off from there. A split within a split.

There is Angry One aka Rage. She gets on her rampages and it's frightening. The rage is uncontrollable and oftentimes when I am in 100% control, I can feel her rage leaking into me and it influences how I act. It makes me mean. And I truly hate being mean. I don't know why I am so mean. I don't get why she is so mean.

Miss Spacey is ever-present causing poor concentration to leak through to me and there always the threat of a spur of the moment dissociative attack. She is yellow. I can feel her color. Sometimes I feel yellow just wash over me. I can almost taste it.

The Fixer wants to do just that: fix things. It breaks her heart when she can't. But that's what she was trained to do since she was a small child. That was her role. Make daddy feel better. Hold it inside... Can't show it. We can't show it. Can't let it be known... No one can know... Make people happy. Keep them safe and give them love. That is your purpose lovely child.

Persecutor usually is the one with the bad ideas. She hurts herself: cuts herself, burns herself, honestly anything that will cause harm. Self-loathing is a grand thing eh?

Scared One  is always having irrational fears and it's stupid. They are my fears too but sometimes the irrational part of me will be in more control and these sudden pangs of fear will consume me causing panic.

MotherMii is kind of like a mother figure. She mothers me and takes care of me (us). She is kind and loving. Takes care of people and is very thoughtful and empathetic.

There are many more. I can feel them but I can't 'see' them. I am usually in executive control but on occasions when things get to be too much, I will go away completely. I will drive to towns and have no idea how I got there or walk places and buy things I don't remember buying. I will say things to people and have no idea what I said. It is so embarrassing. And it terrifies me as a nurse.

These are all me. They make up me. They are themselves, but they aren't fully split at the same time. But then again I'm not fully uniform either. Have I finally have begun to except the Others in my head (if there even are "Others"...?

Like I said, they aren't fully-split like DID at all.. But they are other "sides" to me.. And they make up me... I know everyone has this to an extent but mine feels a bit more concrete than everyday people's are, and quite a bit less concrete than those with DID... So I have no Idea what I am... A freak I guess...

Realizations About My Body and It's Problems

Headache again today... And body aches. Muscles kill me... I've been doing a lot of research... There seems to be connections between Fibromyalgia, GERD, Raynaud's Syndrome, PTSD, Migraines, and possibly even yeast infections. I battle all of these; most of them since I was young. Now, I must say, I've not yet been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia or Raynaud's Syndrome. But I have been dealing with the Raynaud's Symptoms since I was 12 or so. I'm almost 23 now. And the Fibro symptoms for at least 4 years. I fit every textbook symptom to a T... I have been diagnosed with PTSD, GERD, and have chronic yeast infections along with a myriad of other issues... It can't be coincidental... I just can't find a doctor to refer me to a specialist as they don't seem to believe me... I am getting so worn down. And dissociative symptoms bad again ad well... So fed up. I am too young for this sh*t... This isn't fair.

I mean, after all that has happened why do I have to deal with this stuff too... It's like my body f*cking hates me or something... It has been through an awful lot of sh*t... I think it blames me. I know I blame myself... Why wouldn't the rest of me and the parts of my body that are unknown to me feel that way too? I guess I thought that maybe, just maybe I could get a bit of a break. I have battled the ADHD all my life and the effects that it had on my learning abilities. Not to mention the social setbacks it caused; and God knows all the other sh*t that went along with it... The depression and anxiety... All at a young age... Let's not forget the PTSD diagnosis and dissociative issues that I have been having these last couple to several years... And possibly even most of my life... I am not sure.

I read that there is a link between Fibro and abuse in childhood (physical and emotional abuse and/or chronic psychological stress) and/or domestic abuse in young teen years... I have both of these histories. I read somewhere online that sexual abuse didn't seem to pose as a common link... I found that really odd actually. Anyway, there is a statistic that states that up to 25% of those diagnosed with Fibro have an abuse history. That just seems crazy to me but also very believable.

You see, I never really paid much mind to my physical ailments that I've been battling. But they have gotten to the point where I can hardly function some days. So, I decided to do some research on Fibro... The results that came up really shocked me. There I found that there are in fact MANY associated problems and diagnoses that oftentimes go along with Fibro... But what REALLY shocked me was how many of these conditions I suffer from... Most of them, as I said in the beginning of this post, since I was a child... This is just all too surreal... It is hard to really grasp that I can have all these f*cking issues... I MUST be making this up... One person cannot literally be as f*cked up as I am... Gosh...

In the reading I have done, I have found that people who have Fibro oftentimes, if not always, have other conditions that seem to be linked to it. I know that I already stated some of the diagnoses/symptoms in the beginning of this post but I am going state them again along with some others that I had as a child that I am not sure actually pertain to Fibro...

• PTSD (diagnosed) 
• GERD (diagnosed) 
• Raynaud's Syndrome (undiagnosed but almost 95-99% sure I have it) I literally have every single symptom of it 
• Chronic yeast infections 
• Chronic (almost every other week for most of my childhood) canker sores in my mouth. Sometimes 3-5 at a time. Sometimes I could hardly talk or eat for days to a week or longer (unsure if there is a link for this one) 
• Chronic/severe ear infections that were every other week as well (unsure if there is a link here) 
• Multiple Chemical Sensitivity - sensitivity to dust mites, mold, grasses (diagnosed) 
• Asthma (diagnosed) 
• Migraines (have suffered with them for most of my life I think) 

I guess I don't get a break. What-the-f*ck-ever... F*CK you you STUPID body....

Dissociation To The Extreme...

I've been having depersonalization and derealization I guess. I don't lose time. Not usually anyway. I think that's only happened once or twice and very fast and briefly only a few minutes. It's like there is this rapid cycling inside my head. I come in and out and there are bits of time missing but it happens so fast... Like a camera shutter.

I don't feel connected really to the world around me, or even to myself at times. I am behind a glass inside the back of my head looking out through my eyes (windows) [see above picture]. I see things in black and white during this. It's like I am under water. Sounds like I am wrapped in cotton or something. Nothing makes sense. I can't communicate right. It's all I can do but stay present. Also, sometimes I can't feel my body and it doesn't feel like mine or like me. It feels heavy and yet weightless. Like white in T, she has this big cushy red leather chair I always sit in and it feels like my body is going to melt into it but another part of me is going to come out and away. Like I am peeling away from my body and floating away... Breaking ties with this world in a sense.

It takes a lot out of me. I am prone to severe headaches/migraines during this. Odd body pains and sensations. I actually have had severe headaches all my life but everybody has that I think right? And when I was little I remember a lot of painful pressure "down there" in both "places". And the other night while trying to fall asleep. I got these horrible throbbing pains down there in my behind area. Once while at T (I don't remember what I was talking about) my girl parts started tingling and contracting. It was so gross. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. I finally told my T this after a couple months. I was just so mortified. I was laughing though. I guess that's what I do when nervous? She wasn't grossed out. She said this could be all sorts of things. The word 'body memory' came about. But that can't be right. I wasn't abused like that as a child. Only in an emotional way that had sexual overtones. I also have been having bad pains all over the last year or two. Sounds like fibromyalagia or something... The only thing that happened that maybe would have required some type of dissociation would be that I was under extreme emotional pain/stress and fear and had a heavy weight on me and responsibility. But that can't cause dissociation. Can it?

Sometimes I feel at such conflict inside myself. I argue with me inside. I feel like at certain times, my mind switches so much that I can't decide or agree on any one thing. If I do agree or make a decision I quickly change my mind. I feel like different pieces of me are loyal to those I was made to be loyal to as a child. They are always in conflict and contradict themselves and it makes it hard to function. My T says I have 'splitting'. Not like separate personalities but parts of my mental functioning that split off because it was too painful to process or deal with or because if I didn't I would have went crazy or had a mental breakdown. Or I perceived it as unsafe or bad to process at the time. Maybe like an emotional fragment/partial personality split. I used to hear voices as a child and I wasn't scared of them. I can remember one distinct time but I just have this feeling or knowing that it happened more than that. I feel like I am going absolutely crazy...

I was in T the other day and I said, "Well all people contradict themselves and argue with themselves."

She said, "Yes, but not to the extent at which you do. Your mind will change so fast and so abruptly. You will say one thing and then you will turn around and fight with yourself almost. And be very angry and defensive."

Sometimes I feel like I have no substance. I mean, like when I am in this state. I seem to be confused about who I am. My identity feels shaken. I can't formulate a thought very well and just can't think. Sometimes I feel 'small' and just want to curl up. I feel scared and little and it is hard to do adult things I should be able to do.

Is that possible? Can these emotional pieces 'take over' or influence how I perceive and do things? Like I feel what they (me?) feel and it influences what I do and how I act. I am aware. When I depersonalize and feel like I am separated from the world and from people or even myself I sometimes will continue talking. And it is like I am only half involved. I talk but I am not really even thinking about talking and it doesn't feel like me all the way. My body doesn't always feel like it is there. I can't explain any of this...

Is it possible to have layered emotional aspects? Have you ever heard of such a thing?