11/27/15 Journaling

Going to be a long entry... 

Last time we had T we read her all of new stuff in journal. She said some things that rocked us to our core. C.C. was scared, Rage was angry and just was feeling bad inside with what she said. Will get to that shortly. But first...

She said she thinks that she met someone else because she/I (but not really I) talked to Rebecca (T). It honestly felt like me but Rebecca said she noticed our body changed a bit and the way we talked was like a teenager, somewhere between 13-15 or so. Got the name Chantel. Rebecca said we were talking hyper teenager. When she said that it "clicked", I told her I have been SUPER hyper the last couple weeks off and on like someone turns on a switch, and then I'll just "be me" again. It's really out of character for me as I haven't been that hyper since I was a teenager. 

Then all the sudden that stopped and Rebecca said, "Now you seem more like yourself. You are talking like a mature 24 year old, not a young tween/teen." 

I said, "Really? It was me though. I mean I was talking to you. I remember it." 

"Yes" she said, "But your voice and vocabulary changed as did your posture and tone of voice."

I did feel different though now that I think about it. My mood changed quite a bit as did my choice of words and style. That happens all the time actually I just never noticed it. I never knew what it was. I always just thought it was me being moody or flaky or indecisive. I told her as much. I also told her about the unexplained bruising we've been having (some of which look like finger prints on our thighs and arms). She said she doesn't think we're "just clumsy". She said she thinks it's psychosomatic bruising as the mind is powerful. She also said she doesn't think I'm "just indecisive" she thinks it's because I have others influencing what I want/need. That's why I can never make up my mind or make decisions, because of the Other's. This has never occurred to me. Wow... 

Now to the thing she said that shook us... Hate rehashing and admitting this but... We told Rebecca this: 

"Dad used to put his finger and hands so close to our vagina he was practically touching it (maybe he even did by brushing it lightly but made it look like accident) but instead of molesting us (that we know of) he would take our femoral tendon and pull it out and squeeze it. We'd try not to scream as it was a searing nerve shock pain that went through our whole body but would actually end up laughing hysterically and screaming at the same time as it had this intense tickling sensation. It be some of the the worst pain imaginable. He would do the same thing to the tendons in our elbows, wrists, hands, neck, ankles, behind our knees, and so forth. It caused our vision to blur and we would collapse unable to move or do anything due to the pain. It literally felt like a shock going through our whole body all at once. Not an electrical shock but a nervous system shock as he also focused on nerve bundles in the same areas as they are all closely connected. 

He would take a towel and tell us to stick out our tongue (which we would do willingly because we were stupid and liked being hurt) and then he would put the towel around the tongue and pull. TERRIBLE pain, we'd scream! It felt like our tongue was ripping away an right out of our mouth. Can't describe the ripping pain. Plus he'd squeeze it really hard. Poor tongue... He would laugh and just keep pulling. We would follow him around the house and not fight for fear of it ripping out of our head. 

He'd pour ice water pitchers on us while we were in bath or taking showers alone or with mom (which is another weird thing) and we'd be so embarrassed as we'd be naked and the water was so cold it felt like our heart would jump m/stop and it would cause such bad headaches due to ice being poured over head/body. 

He'd bend our wrists until the palm of our hand touched the inside of our arm, or close to it. Hyperextension maybe? It was horrendous pain. Oh the pain and popping sounds... We think that's why we have such joint problems now as an adult. Just thinking about this is causing severe wrist pain. 

Beltings with lots of yelling and fear and threats from him. And gasping and crawling around and wind knocked out for me/us until we'd pass out/black out/"go away". Oh gosh that pain was the worst. I seem to keep thinking it's all "the worst". I'm such a big baby. 

He would pinch our nipples (I think?) or at the very least he chased us around the house while we were both naked and clothed chanting, "boobies, boobies, boobies" and making like he was going to catch us and pinch them. I think he even did maybe but not sure. 

He would hold us down and rub his knuckles into our sternum. In the medical field this is called a "sternal rub" and is used to attempt to test the level of consciousness in a comatose/overdosed patient as it is excruciatingly painful. He would do this to me but I'd be awake and was just a small child. It was so painful. And he would Lin out down and do it. 

One thing that was terrible and I think caused quite a bit of dissociation was tickle torture. He would instruct me to lay down and I would or he would lay us on the bed and would spread us out like a star fish and use his fingers and mouth and whiskers. He would tickle our body head to toe, we were not sposed ta react atall or else it wood get worse n last longer and be more painful/intense. We had to go inside our head and find "zombie state"/"be dead". 
I never knew what to call the feeling he gave off but I think (looking back now) it's safe to say it was sexual excitement. Ugh. I never knew what to call the feeling I received from it but I think it was sexual excitement for me too. I craved this feeling and liked it. It was sensual, like a lover caressing another lover's body with their tongue. I would try not to writhe. God what the fuck was wrong with me?!?! How sick was I!!!! What a tainted dirty child! He created that! I had to be completely "dead" and not react at all... He created a rag doll. The smile on his face an look in his eyes staring back at mines... 

Sometimes he wood mix pain and pleasure and love. Nerve shock, tickles, severe mind numbing pain whilst telling me/us, "I love you so much." "You're daddy's girl." "No one understands or loves me like you do." "You can never leave me." "I'll die without you." "You're my other half." etc... 

He would push his fingers inside our muscles in between tendons and I think (as this is what it felt like) would try and "separate" them from the bones. Usually he'd do this along with the tendon pulling. 

After telling Rebecca this she said, "You probably don't want to hear this but that's t*rture. That's sadism." 

For real?!?!? Like "real t*rture?" Shook us to our core! 

Daddy loves us. He was nice and loved us and wanted the best for us. So confused wants to cut body. C.C. is sad and wants to die and hate hate hate. Wants to hide and love dad all up because that's our purpose. 

They'd (his family) would ask us/tell us, "Is daddy being taken care of C.C.?" "You know he need you to protect him from your mommy, she is a bad woman." "Is he happy? You need to make him feel good and happy." "Don't you love him?" 

~Should have stopped crying, daddy wouldn't have belted you so bad stupid girl.~ 

Can't believe Rebecca said that... It wasn't that bad was it? Boyfriend said daddy might have done it on purpose to train us/pr*gram us. But he wasn't smart enough for that. Couldn't be... Not possible.  

And now we didn't give mommy or daddy Thanksgiving hugs because we were confused and mad at them and it hurt them greatly. They don't deserve such bad treatment. They love us so much. :( 

Today we was lookin out windo n saw clouds n thought of a memry n then it was gone but feelin n image was dark n bad. What we was memberin we don't know. 

Uh oh remembered more... He used to pull our fingers and toes by pulling them apart in a downward motion and away from each other (if that makes sense) and it felt like out skin (webbing between fingers) would rip. He laughed this scary sounding laugh that gave us bad feeluns. It had this scary and excited and perverted sound to it. The more we struggled the more excited he got an the more ruffer he'd get with us. And the more begging we'd have to do for him to stop. But that really just made him want to do it all the more. Until mom would intervene and she'd rescue us by getting him to stop. Then we'd yell at momma for being mean to daddy and tell her we hated her even tho I spose she rescued us and we'd scream that daddy loved us. Then we'd run to our room and cry and hurt ourself because we were bad. Then daddy would yell at us for being mean to mommy but we were confused cuz we was sposed to be mean to mommy but she couldn't know that. It would give daddy and his family away and we had to protect and love. It was our secret. I would have died for that secret, was 2 important. I remember the day I told Joy (an old T when I was 16) what dad was doing, cept we only told her like 1% and she told our mom and that was the day mom said to forget it all and also the day we betrayed dad. 

And now we be crying because we miss Lucy... Lucy was our dog. Got her for our 8th birthday. She was our best and only friend since we was secluded from others a lot of time, except for school where it wasn't much better in fact it was also very abusive (RA). The thing is, I hurt Lucy. We all did. We did mean things to her and made her Yelp... Dad taught us and it was just like our games daddy played with us. Except I wasn't half as mean as dad because I really didna wanna hurt her. But at the same time I did. He taught me that. I loved her. But still I did hurt her. But she was always loving and loyal. We think she knew we were trained and taught, coerced to make dad happy. We learned those things he did to us were games and we did them back. Doesn't make us any less evil and twisted. We hate ourselfs. I liked it when daddy hurt me and even asked him to hurt me. I liked it (kind of) when I hurt her even though she'd look at me like, "Please stop." She loved me anyway I didn't deserve her kindness. But I think she was an angel. I deserve to rot in h*ll because of my sin and evilness. At least some of us feel this way. I've apologized to Lucy and told her how sorry I am. I would die if I could hold her one last time and tell her how much she meant to me and kiss her face and paws. I hate myself for what I did to her. And mad at dad for telling us to do it and for teaching us to feel joy out of inflicting pain and confusin pain with love... How convoluted!!! Please forgive me Lucy my only friend. 

Can't forget about another Other. Vixen, is her name. I know as she told me via thought transfer. Her voice sounds so sensual and moanish and cat-like and sexual. Or maybe snake-like? I am not sure. She wants to be used and hurt and wants to please at all costs. She is so strong. I don't know how to deal with her when she wants out. I have to fight hard to keep control. 

Am realizing tho that dad did love me and when I was sick he'd comfort me and hold me and love me and many many memories are love-filled and perfect. We'd have such fun and genuine good times. I almost wish he'd have always been mean and bad to me/us as I wouldn't be so confused... I feel so loyal as he was always keeping me guessing plus I have love and pain and sex and so many things all twisted together. Am I terrible for wishing he'd always been mean? Just feel it would have been easier without all the conflicting and confusing messages. 

Was what he did really t*rture? Did he pr*gram us like T and bf said? 

I can maybe answer that. Or at least bf did for us. He looked us this definition: T*rture: noun, "the action or practice of inflicting severe pain on someone as a punishment or to force them to do or say something, or for the pleasure of the person inflicting the pain." If I look at it like that it seems true... But it just can't be... 

Gosh I'm so bad and evil...

11/22/15 Journaling

Got drunk last night. Getting drunk brings walls down and I feel them and communicate with them and vice versa more easily. Does anyone else have that? Being drunk helps you connect better? I'm not condoning drinking, merely asking a question. Anyway...

Journal entry written after flashbacks and talking with boyfriend whilst drunk. He said I put his hand on me 'down there' and was asking him to hurt me and he wouldn't do it. But the thing is, I remember this but it wasn't me that wanted it. It was and it wasn't. It's hard to explain. Someone else put those wants into me and I acted it out. That's the only way I "switch" and I can't even call it that because I don't switch per se. I overlap so to speak and thus I call it "phasing" or "blending". It's like me and someone else is in charge of feelings and body at the same time.

Anyway, we got up after our talk with boyfriend and wrote but was so drunk and words just poured out. Handwriting is all messed up so some of it was illegible.

11/22/15

"I am drunk. When I get drunk or under influence feelings and Others come out and surface. Can't deny. Not supposed to talk. Stuff in panties. Blankets stuffed in panties. Felt good to have blankets rubbing. So tired. Had feelings and thoughts. What if daddy did touch us, me, you, her, C.C. Chantel others whoever they are, or not even there? Biting my blanket. Has been by tw*t. Dirty girl I thought. I was for puting Blankie by V. Feels so drunk (?) (can't make out word) but okay inside not really okay feeling bad. Daddy wouldn't have touched where he did and not meant to. Bad daddy/Blankie (?) (can't make out word). Finally makes sense. Mom doesn't believe. Sucking on thumb, touching self. Boyfriend tries to help. Stopping to read why read who cares? Blanket still in mouth like child used to suck on Blankie. Bad pain, nerve shock, daddy did it to child's legs and V but not V right next to V without touching V. He loves me, us. Belts and love kindness (?) (can't for sure make out word). He had to have known. Don't wanna see or talk to him or her. Feel like bad daughter all of it was games. Fuck!!!"



Also, boyfriend took our Blankie away. He said he needed me (Chantel) to be an adult. I was and am an adult. I'm 24 for fuck sake. Why can't I be normal? Ugh. Anyway, I don't give a fuck about the goddamn blanket. It's C.C.'s and she was hurt he took it from her and he saw the look on our face and I could tell he felt bad. We smuggled the blanket in our purse for C.C. if she wanted it but can't take it out in public (a rule we set for ourself) can only put hand in purse and touch it. I think it helps to know it's just there.

Later he apologized to C.C for taking it and said he realized it wasn't the right thing to do and that he is sorry. He is learning along with us and doesn't always do the right thing. He's only human. But he cares and loves me and he admits when he has hurt us and we respect each other and he's my best friend. I can't ask for a better mate.

11/19/15 Journaling

A lot of weird things have been happening. Like unexplained bruises/brushing patterns in odd places. My boyfriend found a bruise on the back of my left arm (in a place I couldn't even see) and asked how I got it.

I said, "I don't know. I didn't even know it was there."

He said that it was huge and dark. He also said that by the looks of it it looks like as if someone had grabbed me by the arm with force. He questioned me if someone hurt me and I want telling him. I said, "No." Because I have no recollection at all of how I would have gotten such a bruise in that spot. (It's in such a place of my arm that wouldn't sustain a bruise from bumping it on something.)

It's really strange. I get these types of things quite often. I'm ALWAYS covered in bruises. I am really clumsy and always running into things. I get that for the bruises on my shins and stuff. But some of these bruises cannot be explained away by mere bumps.

Although it's weird, I once had some bruises on my inner thigh that obviously looked like it was made by fingers as there were 5 finger prints shaped bruises. No recollection of getting them or how I would have received such bruises.

Also, I have been having really bad dreams. Quite a few of them revolve around abuse/r*pe. They aren't usually flashback nightmares but rather just dreams in living me being abused and hurt in such ways.

Last night I had a dream of me turning the tables on my dad and forcing him to strip naked (his p*nis was a bunch of hotdogs in a pyramid shape, not sure if this is important or not) and then I screamed at him to get on his knees. I then looked in my hand and saw that I had a huge bamboo cane and proceeded to beat him with it. He was yelling out in pain.

I screamed at him, my voice full of anger, "I won't stop until you stop being a little b*tch!!!" (He used to tell me as a small child whilst he was belting me senseless that he wouldn't stop until I stopped crying. I usually dissociated or passed out I think I don't know as I don't remember.) I then woke up covered in sweat and screaming.

Also, I think that maybe I just have to accept the fact that I have symptoms of CSA but no memories and that might always be the case. Should I accept this for what it is and trust that I have symptoms and try not to extrapolate? Or should I keep clawing and digging and searching my way through? Will I be scared with what I find?

At the very least, what I do remember wasn't good and I guess it was "bad enough" even though I always feel it wasn't "that bad".

I just have this feeling of something "bad" or just something dark and oppressive inside when I think about parts of my childhood , even though I have good memories associated with these feelings...

Very confused.

Any input? Thanks in advance.

11/18/15 Journaling

11/18/15

Talked to Scott (boyfriend). Can't seem to get over my feelings. A lot of things seem to point toward CSA but like I've always said I have no memories of. But so many things add up. For instance my compulsion to or need to defend my dad for everything, especially when CSA is mentioned. Also the shameful and almost constant childhood masturbation. It was a dirty and secretive and shameful compulsion and need. I would hide. I also drew a very poorly drawn penis phone of my favorite baby dolls and rubbed it. I was a small child. How would I know to rub it?? Then feeling intense shame and disgust and attempting to wash it off and then trying to dispose of the doll by burying it under other toys so I didn't have to look at its terribleness. I also when I was mid-childhood tried to touch my daddy's penis and he told me it wasn't how daddy's and daughters touched. The thing is my boyfriend seems to think (and I do too, maybe) that he stopped acting on it before I was able to form memories. But it's all just speculations and feelings I have and shame and dirtiness inside. Also when I was in kindergarten I asked a boy my age (5) to go into bathroom with me and then told him to take his bottoms off and I did the same. I wanted to touch him and even tried but he didn't want me to. I knew it was dirty and wrong but needed to do it and was confused why he didn't want me to but also understood why. SHAME. DIRTY. BAD GIRL. I felt that way. And the masturbation was with blankets that I would roll up and stuff them in my panties (hate that word) and woulD keep them in my panties all day to simulate having a penis and would rub at it and roll on it until I came. I did it sometimes 7 times or more in a day every day from as far back as I can remember. And it was not for childhood curiosity it was shame and dirty. Ugh. Can feel it now. Kind of. I would also self-injure as a very small child. And would also focus on my genitals during these SI rituals. Sorry for sharing so much. 



Support and insight and opinions very much needed. Feeling very vulnerable.

11/17/15 Journaling

11/17/15

"I guess I have come to the conclusion that I may never have tbe answers I feel I need and deserve. I want to scream and cry but I feel morning at all when I think about this one memory in particular. I only feel numbness - like I'm reading a terrible story of someone else but feel no attachment to it. Logically I know I was that little girl but it feels so unreal, no emotions - daddy's concrete angel.

Purple Pajamas. 

This one specific "snapshot memory" (or set of 3-5 snapshots) takes place in our old house when, I think, I was at a pre-verbal age due to the fact that I was unable to talk. But I can't determine if this is due to the fact that I/she was frozen with terror, in excruciating pain, or due to not learning how to speak yet. Whatever the reason, this memory persists. I can remember feels and possibly thoughts but thoughts that have no words which is what makes me think I was very young. I remember from this memory severe terror, pain, fear, dread, and confusion. But I can't actually feel these things and can't for the life of me feel much to any connection to this child.

11/15/15 Journaling

11/15/15

Okay so this entry is something I was fully conscious of but noticed half way through started doing some automatic writing yet fully aware and noticed handwriting changes. Thinking I was blending.

"Today is a bad pain day. My body feels like it's been through the spin cycle. The pain feels unbearable at times. Was just finally given a formal diagnosis of Fibromyalgia and Raynaud's Disease. Have been dealing with emotions related to dad and mom and past (possibly) suppressed stuff and then feel guilty because I feel I have literally no reason to be upset because they were the world's greatest parents (in some ways). Ugh...

Also been confused about the RA (religious abuse) stuff and what to call the type of abuse I endured. Was it really RA and is it okay to call it that? I shouldn't need a label but for some reason I do. Feel so disgusted when I think about things ("weird" games) my dad did to/with me. They were so gross; actually it was the look in his eyes and the sound of his laugh and grunts that are gross to me."

Then it is here when the wording started to change a bit and the flow sounded different and automatic writing started happening.

"Not supposed to feel or show, had to be concrete pillar for daddy. Stay strong for daddy. Make daddy feel good. Protect daddy. Hate mommy. Be mean to mommy. NO LOVE FOR MOMMY. Bad Girl C.C. for not loving mommy. Daddy said you were a bad girl what is wrong with you Chantel? Why do you do these bad things? Stupid bad girl that's what we called me long ago. I heard your voices. Someone's disembodied voice in my head and remember butterflies down there."

Okay so this is where handwriting and thought flow starts to change again.

"Old bed little bed our bed my bed old house lotsa fun lotsa pain lotsa hurt Don't get it Happy times all year round"

Changes once again in handwriting and words.

"But in reality I see happy times and happy dad and then confusion sets in once again because how do I feel gross when he did nothing wrong? Like we totally had great times and he would never want to touch me in a sexual manner. I just talked to him on the phone and heard the love in his voice. And now I know for sure he would never touch me sexually..."

This looked like a child's handwriting in parts.

"...and what I said in therapy with Rebecca was all wrong and I don't know why I said what I did"

Our System

C.C. - Most concrete little (possibly an age slider) who holds most of the traumas. Is pink in color. 

MotherMii - Motherly and nurturing Other. Is green in color. 

Miss Spacey - Base layer of the System, center of all dissociative episodes. Is yellow in color. 

Rage - Seething and angry Other. Is red in color. 

The Fixer - Wants to please everyone and fix everything. Is blue in color. 

Scared One - Fearful and small Other. Is purple in color. 

Chantel - Middle to Adolescent Other. Is orange in color. 

Vixen - A very strong sexual and sensual Other. Is deep burgandy in color. 

Vixen and Chantel are new as of yesterday 11/24/15 

Vixen is extremely sexual and wants to be used and hurt. Does anyone know how to handle this? Thanks. 

New Beliefs and More realizations

So it's been awhile since I've written anything but I don't follow the Christian viewpoint anymore. And I am okay with that. I would like to call myself spiritual. I believe in God. I believe in my Higher Self. I work to align my chakras and be more full of love. That's my goal: to love. I guess that's my "religion". Love all things. Show love. Be love. I believe in reality-creation. We make our own reality. We are our future.

Also, I've realized my dad and mom and the rest of my family never meant to hurt me. I mean, I always knew this, but now I accept it. And I know for a fact the stuff my dad did wasn't for sexual gain. He just needed a confidant. So technically there was verbal sexual abuse but sexual gratification wasn't his intentions. He would never do that. The covert/emotional incest was bad enough and it messed me up so much. The beltings and other abuses were really bad although semi-infrequent.

Yes, my dad is sick in the fact that he gets off on causing physical pain. I can't explain away the "torture" type of activities. And yes I still do feel like I was intentionally brainwashed/programmed  by his family and him in a sense. But regardless of any of this, I forgive them all and accept this and love them all and know they truly do love me.

I'm blessed to have them as my family. It could have been worse but it could have been a hell of a lot better. And I am still angry with the abuse as a child but it helps to know for sure (I just know, don't ask me how) he isn't perverted. He is sick in the head but he does love me. I just wish he hadn't played the 'games' he did because now I am like him. I get off on inflicting pain. I am mean to animals and think of it as a game. I have so many programmed responses due to his abuse. But unlike him I try to retrain myself. He doesn't. I can unlearn the things he taught me. I'll make that my mission. I won't be my dad.

A Dark Web Inside

So, it's been really difficult. Yesterday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a drive. I was the one driving and I didn't really have any single destination in place. We went to get something to eat, going to my hometown. Since we were in my hometown, I decided to start driving around. After awhile, I decided to take some back roads in the country. I ended up coming out at a highway near my hometown but outside city limits. I knew exactly where I was. So I took a right on this highway. I kept going, all the while growing more anxious inside; feeling something dark, evil, and sinister creep into my mind. It felt like something was on the tip of my tongue - a word that I couldn't quite find. Except it wasn't really a word. It was these terrible feelings: pure dread, terror, shame and disgust that seemed to come out of no where. Along with these feelings, I would have these images and/or memories (of my childhood with my dad at 'the property') pop up. The thing is, these images/memories were not bad memories. They were good and happy memories. Which is why it is confusing for me because I can't understand why I have these terrible feelings associated with these good memories.

It honestly felt like I was right on the edge of making some sort of correlation between these feelings and these images/memories and then *POOF* it was gone. Right on the tip of the tongue... It almost felt like on the surface, these memories and images I was having were pretty and nice, but take off the veil and you will see all the dirtiness underneath that is hidden away. The thing is, I have no memory of anything bad happening in my childhood at 'the property'. Thus is my confusion.

So, anxiety ever-rising, I continue to drive on. Trying my best to shake out of my head and body these terrible feelings I was having... Drive. Drive. Drive. Keep on driving, something compelling me to drive a few towns over on the back roads to 'the property' (land my dad owns where I spent most of my childhood free time here. My dad's best friend owns land bordering ours. This land is one of the places where I was r*ped by dad's said best friend.) Now, that makes sense why I would have bad feelings associated with these places then doesn't it? Except the thing is most of these memory flashes were from when I was really young. Hunting trips, hiking, fishing, 4-wheeling, etc. dad and I used to take together on the hundreds of acres of land... The r*pe by his friend happened when I was 21. So it couldn't be associated with that. No, this feels like there is something deep down inside my head. Something I can 'see' but really can't actually see. I am not aware of it. But I can sense something dark and depraved. A dark ball of web deep inside me... Tainting me.

My boyfriend had no idea where we were or why I was driving to where I was driving. He was just sitting there in his seat. My boyfriend also had no clue I was struggling as I was not flipping out like I normally would. I was in a dissociative state kind of. Internally I was going crazy but for some reason I couldn't talk about it. I felt like I was being silenced. Physically and mentally incapable of talking about this... I felt like I wasn't supposed to talk about these things. It would be bad... Not allowed... Bad girl... So, I demanded silence. Which was rude of me because every time my boyfriend tried to talk I would snap at him... I just was so close to breaking that I couldn't handle any stimulation... I felt I was going insane...

I had no idea why I was driving to 'the property' except that I felt compelled to drive there... I felt like I was being called/pulled there and it was so hard to fight. It felt like it does when I HAVE to hurt myself. The SI/SUI feelings I get that are so strong, I can't fight them. It feels like I am being controlled; like SI/SUI is a preprogrammed response to when I remember something or start to talk about these things to someone (my T or my boyfriend)... (I wonder if they are related somehow...?)

I drove to at least 3 or 4 different places all in the same area of the property. Every time I drove by one of these places I felt a "click" and then terrible, terrifying feelings would seep into me. Pure terror... The feeling and/or thought, "Something terrible happened here." But that was all it amounted to... Torture... Long story short I ended up driving by a river bottom with lots of cornfields (cornfields sometimes trigger me but I don't know why), a trail leading to our property, and 'the cabin' where I was r*ped by dad's friend. I did drive to one place that was not related to 'the property'. It was the house of a different best friend of my dad's and his friend's mom's house which is right next door. I used to go there a lot as a child. Nothing bad happened there either that I can remember but I still have these gut-wrenching feelings when I go by these places or when I think about them. And I have no idea why... Even just typing this all out, my heart rate has increased... I am trembling. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty. I feel like a dirty wh*rish girl. Need to be punished...... I am sorry. I am so lost....

Does It Really Matter?

I've often had this question and I know other survivors have it too: What is better? Being tortured with no love and all abuse? Or "loving" torture, mind games, and physical abuse with periods of intense sadistic abuse mixed in?

One of my main abusers (my father) hurt me very covertly. He even tortured me too (bending joints the wrong way just before the breaking point, pinching and grinding nerve bundles, tickle torture, throwing ice water on me while I am naked in shower, mind games, mental conditioning/pr*gr*mming, beatings, restraining me, deceit, trickery, all feigning love and playful games, etc...).

He liked to see that I was in pain but he never said this to me. He actually made it into a game. He told me I liked it. He tickled me relentlessly while hurting me in terribly painful ways at the same time so I would be confused about it all. I associated the bad torture pain with tickling and so I laughed while I was in pain. This has my current idea of love and genuinely playful "games" that I should be able to have with my bf messed up. My thinking is severely changed. How I perceive the world and people around me. How I perceive their actions and how I react to them. See, I thought those things between dad and I were all just games.

Even the possible sexual abuse wasn't direct so I am confused about that as well. I don't know his intentions at all. So I have often just wished he had been terrible and vicious and overt with it all so I would know without a doubt what did and did not take place. Then I might finally be able to feel like my anger and pain are justified. At the same time, I get very confused because he DOES love me. And most of the time he was a good dad. More now than he was when I was a child. But I know he loves me in very good ways. He himself is just messed up like me...

I think the main issue here, that I have realized now, is that ALL survivors think this way. ALL abuse is bad and no matter the intentions behind it, it obviously affects us all and leaves us with the same unanswered questions...

I can 100% see how one could think and feel the way how one is worse than the other. Just as I can see how I feel how I do. But it's really all the same.

I'm supporting you all!!!