11/18/15 Journaling

11/18/15

Talked to Scott (boyfriend). Can't seem to get over my feelings. A lot of things seem to point toward CSA but like I've always said I have no memories of. But so many things add up. For instance my compulsion to or need to defend my dad for everything, especially when CSA is mentioned. Also the shameful and almost constant childhood masturbation. It was a dirty and secretive and shameful compulsion and need. I would hide. I also drew a very poorly drawn penis phone of my favorite baby dolls and rubbed it. I was a small child. How would I know to rub it?? Then feeling intense shame and disgust and attempting to wash it off and then trying to dispose of the doll by burying it under other toys so I didn't have to look at its terribleness. I also when I was mid-childhood tried to touch my daddy's penis and he told me it wasn't how daddy's and daughters touched. The thing is my boyfriend seems to think (and I do too, maybe) that he stopped acting on it before I was able to form memories. But it's all just speculations and feelings I have and shame and dirtiness inside. Also when I was in kindergarten I asked a boy my age (5) to go into bathroom with me and then told him to take his bottoms off and I did the same. I wanted to touch him and even tried but he didn't want me to. I knew it was dirty and wrong but needed to do it and was confused why he didn't want me to but also understood why. SHAME. DIRTY. BAD GIRL. I felt that way. And the masturbation was with blankets that I would roll up and stuff them in my panties (hate that word) and woulD keep them in my panties all day to simulate having a penis and would rub at it and roll on it until I came. I did it sometimes 7 times or more in a day every day from as far back as I can remember. And it was not for childhood curiosity it was shame and dirty. Ugh. Can feel it now. Kind of. I would also self-injure as a very small child. And would also focus on my genitals during these SI rituals. Sorry for sharing so much. 



Support and insight and opinions very much needed. Feeling very vulnerable.