Got drunk last night. Getting drunk brings walls down and I feel them and communicate with them and vice versa more easily. Does anyone else have that? Being drunk helps you connect better? I'm not condoning drinking, merely asking a question. Anyway...

Journal entry written after flashbacks and talking with boyfriend whilst drunk. He said I put his hand on me 'down there' and was asking him to hurt me and he wouldn't do it. But the thing is, I remember this but it wasn't me that wanted it. It was and it wasn't. It's hard to explain. Someone else put those wants into me and I acted it out. That's the only way I "switch" and I can't even call it that because I don't switch per se. I overlap so to speak and thus I call it "phasing" or "blending". It's like me and someone else is in charge of feelings and body at the same time.

Anyway, we got up after our talk with boyfriend and wrote but was so drunk and words just poured out. Handwriting is all messed up so some of it was illegible.

11/22/15

"I am drunk. When I get drunk or under influence feelings and Others come out and surface. Can't deny. Not supposed to talk. Stuff in panties. Blankets stuffed in panties. Felt good to have blankets rubbing. So tired. Had feelings and thoughts. What if daddy did touch us, me, you, her, C.C. Chantel others whoever they are, or not even there? Biting my blanket. Has been by tw*t. Dirty girl I thought. I was for puting Blankie by V. Feels so drunk (?) (can't make out word) but okay inside not really okay feeling bad. Daddy wouldn't have touched where he did and not meant to. Bad daddy/Blankie (?) (can't make out word). Finally makes sense. Mom doesn't believe. Sucking on thumb, touching self. Boyfriend tries to help. Stopping to read why read who cares? Blanket still in mouth like child used to suck on Blankie. Bad pain, nerve shock, daddy did it to child's legs and V but not V right next to V without touching V. He loves me, us. Belts and love kindness (?) (can't for sure make out word). He had to have known. Don't wanna see or talk to him or her. Feel like bad daughter all of it was games. Fuck!!!"



Also, boyfriend took our Blankie away. He said he needed me (Chantel) to be an adult. I was and am an adult. I'm 24 for fuck sake. Why can't I be normal? Ugh. Anyway, I don't give a fuck about the goddamn blanket. It's C.C.'s and she was hurt he took it from her and he saw the look on our face and I could tell he felt bad. We smuggled the blanket in our purse for C.C. if she wanted it but can't take it out in public (a rule we set for ourself) can only put hand in purse and touch it. I think it helps to know it's just there.

Later he apologized to C.C for taking it and said he realized it wasn't the right thing to do and that he is sorry. He is learning along with us and doesn't always do the right thing. He's only human. But he cares and loves me and he admits when he has hurt us and we respect each other and he's my best friend. I can't ask for a better mate.