11/15/15

Okay so this entry is something I was fully conscious of but noticed half way through started doing some automatic writing yet fully aware and noticed handwriting changes. Thinking I was blending.

"Today is a bad pain day. My body feels like it's been through the spin cycle. The pain feels unbearable at times. Was just finally given a formal diagnosis of Fibromyalgia and Raynaud's Disease. Have been dealing with emotions related to dad and mom and past (possibly) suppressed stuff and then feel guilty because I feel I have literally no reason to be upset because they were the world's greatest parents (in some ways). Ugh...

Also been confused about the RA (religious abuse) stuff and what to call the type of abuse I endured. Was it really RA and is it okay to call it that? I shouldn't need a label but for some reason I do. Feel so disgusted when I think about things ("weird" games) my dad did to/with me. They were so gross; actually it was the look in his eyes and the sound of his laugh and grunts that are gross to me."

Then it is here when the wording started to change a bit and the flow sounded different and automatic writing started happening.

"Not supposed to feel or show, had to be concrete pillar for daddy. Stay strong for daddy. Make daddy feel good. Protect daddy. Hate mommy. Be mean to mommy. NO LOVE FOR MOMMY. Bad Girl C.C. for not loving mommy. Daddy said you were a bad girl what is wrong with you Chantel? Why do you do these bad things? Stupid bad girl that's what we called me long ago. I heard your voices. Someone's disembodied voice in my head and remember butterflies down there."

Okay so this is where handwriting and thought flow starts to change again.

"Old bed little bed our bed my bed old house lotsa fun lotsa pain lotsa hurt Don't get it Happy times all year round"

Changes once again in handwriting and words.

"But in reality I see happy times and happy dad and then confusion sets in once again because how do I feel gross when he did nothing wrong? Like we totally had great times and he would never want to touch me in a sexual manner. I just talked to him on the phone and heard the love in his voice. And now I know for sure he would never touch me sexually..."

This looked like a child's handwriting in parts.

"...and what I said in therapy with Rebecca was all wrong and I don't know why I said what I did"