12/1/15 Journaling Part 2

So a few things I forgot, or chose to forget, from the earlier writing: 

1) Rebecca mentioned again that what my dad did was indeed the word "torture" and that he was "sophisticated" in his approach. 
2) What the fuck?!
3) Like did she really just say that?
4) Space/Time unravel
5) Is this really true? Is this possible?
6) Yes 
7) I've always known, or at least had an inkling, but could never accept it  
8) Now I'm staring it right in the fave and I'm scared shitless 
9) Back in my body/mind I contemplate what she just said 
10) He was maybe sophisticated in how he did things. I also received a word, "systematic abuse". Could it really be? 
11) Possibly, but still am not sure. Not enough proof. 

Okay, so that was more than a few things. I still have such a difficult time believing and understanding. If my dad was "sophisticated" as Rebecca said, then that would mean that he more than likely has some forethought with this - that would mean he actually planned this, maybe - how can that be true? But like I said, I don't have proof, or at least not enough. 

Today I went and had a female exam due to the pain I've been having down there. Yuck! I detest them. They're uncomfortable to say the least. But I got through it. But it sparked something in me especially as I was driving home. I'm not sure what it was now but it had something to do with the clouds and the sky and the way it generally looks this time of year. And driving home I noticed the sky. Also it had something to do with a feeling or maybe some "flash" of something in my mind's eye, I can't be sure what though as once I "see" it and have that "ah ha" moment it's gone. But whatever it is it leaves me feeling very lost, scared, confused, angry, sad, and numb all at once. 

But I do know I am having severe pelvic pain. It's worse than I let on. It sometimes hurts pretty fucking badly. Also sometimes it feels like (and I've never really admitted this but maybe have supposed it) it's ripping something inside and I feel pressure. Most of it is internal (as in my uterus/ovaries). But today I distinctly felt something in my vagina and the outside of my genitals hurt also as did my rectum. This is so fucked up. It's so painful. The internal pain very well could be an ovarian cyst, but the external/genital pain? That's never happened before when I've had ovarian cysts. And when I say genital pain, I don't mean like a burning pain. It feels like my pubic bone is aching severely and like it hurts as if something is pushing really hard against it. 

I also feel like I have this knowing feeling inside when I'm getting these pains - but I cannot say that out loud, at least not without causing extensive turmoil in the System.